by Jenika Snow
He tore his gaze from hers and stared up at the ceiling. Embarrassment flooded her at the knowledge that he most likely was disgusted by her confession. She went to pull away, but his arm tightened around her. Almost reluctantly, because mortification still lingered, she submitted and rested her head back on his chest. He didn’t speak for several moments, but when he did his chest rumbled beneath her head.
“I wish I could tell you that I hate what I do, but I’d be lying.” Tristan stayed silent in fear that he would close off these emotions. She wanted to understand him. She wanted to know what made the two parts of him. The one side of him that was sweet, humorous, and playful, and the other side that was coated in blood and seemed to revel in dishing out pain.
“I enjoy slamming my fist into their faces. I get high off causing them pain. I want to say I do what I do for the money, but I can’t. When I’m out there and they’re screaming my name, I change into someone different.” His hand stroking her hair had her heart racing. “What we have between us can’t accelerate. I am no good for you, Tristan. The people I associate with, the way I make a living, it will soil you, corrupt you. I don’t want to be the cause of your destruction, but keeping things going between us”—his voice faltered slightly—“it can’t go any further than tonight.”
What was Tristan supposed to say to that? Disappointment, sadness, and heartache swirled inside of her so strongly that it sucked the very air from her lungs. How did she feel this strongly for someone she hardly knew? She couldn’t say she loved him, could she? No, it wasn’t love, but there was something definitely there. She didn’t respond because she had no idea how to. Whatever demons Kash fought that made him want to keep her at arm’s length, she didn’t want to bring them up and push him farther away. Trying to imagine a purely platonic relationship with him was impossible, especially after tonight.
“Was this a mistake?” That had been the only thing she could think to say since it had been on her mind since she woke. He sighed above her and she resisted looking into his eyes. “I care about you, Kash. I truly do.” As soon as those words left her mouth she knew it had been what broke everything between them. She was too clingy, too needy. That had always been her downfall. It was true that what she felt for Kash was completely new to her. Never had she desired someone so strongly, felt the need to be near them physically and emotionally. She hadn’t learned her lesson with Zac. Here she was, screwing up another relationship that could have been strong. If she would have just kept her legs closed.
Please don’t let him crush my heart.
“Tristan.” He shifted on the bed and let his arm fall from her shoulder. Instantly, coldness seeped into her. “God, I am such a bastard.” She had a feeling that what he was about to say might make that accurate.
Before she let him utter words she knew might destroy her, she found her own resolve. She sat up and brought her lips to his. He tensed for a split second, probably wondering what in the hell she was doing, but soon his mouth softened and he kissed her back like he desperately wanted her. It took everything in her to pull away. Their eyes met and she thought she would see passion reflected back, but he had erected his wall again and stared at her stoically. He sat up and turned his back on her. She felt her cheeks heat with renewed embarrassment.
“I am not what you need. I am not who you need. This thing between us”—he paused and she had a fantasy in her head that he couldn’t continue with that sentence, that what he was about to say would make her heart swell, that he would tell her he, too, cared for her—“there is nothing between us. Do you understand? I am enough of a fucking bastard that can admit I don’t need the extra baggage of a female hanging around. We had sex and that was all there was between us, nothing more.” His profile was clear and she watched him swallow before he continued. “I don’t want anything more from you than that.”
Tears pricked her eyes even though she had known that he was going to crush her. The first tear that fell splashed on her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. She didn’t want him to see her cry. He had made himself perfectly clear, made his intentions perfectly clear. She had just been a warm hole for him to use. Awkward silence stretched between them, and Tristan found the courage to pull away. Shame and humiliation surrounded her, but she was proud of herself for keeping it deep down inside. She didn’t want to see pity on his face. The disconnection and distance that covered his handsome features now were almost too much for her.
“I don’t want this to ruin our friendship.”
Friendship?
Could she honestly have only that with him? Obviously that was all he would be willing to give her, but she knew it would be painful. She put on a front because things were tense between them already. Smiling, because she didn’t know what other reaction to have, she turned and looked at him.
“Nothing has to change, Kash.” He looked skeptical. “I’m not a child that you have to walk on eggshells around. You have your life and I have mine. It was clear we both needed to let off a little steam. I don’t see why one sexual encounter has to be made into a big deal.” Those were some of the hardest words she ever had to utter.
“If this is too hard I don’t have to stay here. I should have never done this with you, Tristan. I’m sorry. I just made things more difficult.”
Anger started to slowly slip into her body and push the heartache away. How dare he talk to her like that? She was tired of hearing him say how wrong it was, how he shouldn’t have done it. “What’s done is done, Kash.” She didn’t keep the slight edge of anger from her voice when she spoke to him. “I don’t expect you to leave. We are both adults here.” She didn’t wait for him to respond, just hauled ass out of his room in search of a rock to crawl under.
Chapter Seventeen
The next morning was awkward, but the day after that, and then the day after that, was even worse. Kash’s schedule made it so that their run-ins were few and far between, or maybe he was just purposefully avoiding her. When they would run into each other, a terse moment would pass between them. She wished she could say she hated him, despised him for speaking so bluntly, making her realize that she had unattainable dreams, but that would be a lie. Deep down Tristan knew what kind of man Kash was. Hell, she knew what he did for a living. She couldn’t push away the memories of their movie nights or the way he joked with her about the cheesy sex scenes. She hated herself that she still had feelings for him, feelings that didn’t go away.
She stared out the window, thinking about the same thing she had been thinking about for the past week. Kash. Her cell phone vibrated beside her and she knew who it was before she even picked it up. She knew Kylie had a mouthful to say to her, especially since Tristan had been avoiding her all week. There was just no way Tristan could avoid telling Kylie that she had just slept with Kash.
Cell phone in hand, she contemplated not answering, but she knew she could only avoid her friend for so long. “Hello?”
“Tristan Brynn Holloway, how dare you ignore me for an entire week,” Kylie’s shrill voice screeched across the receiver, and Tristan pulled the phone away from her ear. This was only the beginning.
“I wasn’t ignoring you, Kylie.”
“Bull-fucking-shit you weren’t. The only reason I haven’t been over there beating down your damn door is because my work schedule has been busy and Kash told me you were still alive.”
Kylie talked to Kash? Tristan was on the verge of delving deeper into that but stopped herself.
“I know something is wrong and I want you to talk to me about it.” There was a touch of hurt in Kylie’s voice that made Tristan feel like a complete bitch.
“I don’t mean to shut you out. I’ve just been in my own little world.” Moping around and feeling sorry for myself because the one guy that I actually have deep feelings for used me like a piece of meat. Like she could really confess that. “I’m sorry. I really am.”
Kylie sighed. “Yeah, okay, but I want to talk to you. I haven’t seen you since the clu
b and you were acting funky then, too. Can we get together this afternoon or maybe tomorrow?”
Tristan closed her eyes. Once she was face-to-face with Kylie she wouldn’t be able to not tell her everything. It wasn’t like she didn’t want to confide in her friend, but Kylie tended to act like a mother figure more times than not. Tristan didn’t want that disapproving look Kylie was sure to give her because Tristan once again fucked her roommate. Of course, in her defense, this was only the second time, and her feelings were far different than they had been with Zac.
“I work today, but we can get together tomorrow evening if you want.” Tristan hung up the phone once their plans were made and went back to staring out the window. Kash’s truck sat in the driveway, yet another reminder that he was so close yet so far away.
* * * *
Tristan pulled into the driveway and turned off the car. The talk with Kylie had been uneventful, although she got a slight ass reaming from her best friend for avoiding her. She was a wimp because she kept her feelings for Kash to herself. It had been easier than she had thought. An image of her breaking down in front of Kylie, confessing her deepest feelings for her roommate played in her mind like a bad movie reel. In the end, her strength and mortification over everything that happened had her mouth sealed tight. It didn’t matter that there was the bad along with the good, that the sight of Kash fighting turned her on, on some primal level. She felt disgusted with herself, and so she didn’t have the balls to confess that to Kylie. She wasn’t stupid enough to think Kylie had bought her nonchalant attitude. Kylie knew she was holding something back, but she hadn’t pressed.
It took her a moment to realize she was parked right next to his truck. Her brow furrowed slightly at the thought of Kash being home. Normally he was gone when she came back from work and stayed out until early in the morning. Her heart thundered at the sight of the black vehicle. Maybe he was asleep already and that would eliminate the weirdness of a run-in. Every time they ran into each other he was cool and collected, the complete opposite of how she felt. Just thinking about her fumbled words, fierce blushing, and instant perspiration had her face heating.
She grabbed her purse and headed into the house. As soon as the door was open she smelled buttered popcorn. A glance in the living room showed the TV on but nothing yet on the screen, and a glance in the kitchen showed an impressive view of Kash’s back as he opened the microwave. The door shut behind her with a resounding click and Kash turned around. He smiled at her and held up the bag of popcorn he had retrieved from the microwave.
“I was wondering when you would get home. I have everything ready for our movie night.”
Movie night? Really?
She was a bit stunned, especially since they had pretty much been avoiding each other since their intimate encounter. Well, maybe avoiding each other wasn’t the right word. Kash had always seemed fine with how things ended. It was her emotions that got in the way of keeping everything on a normal level. It was her feelings for him that made it especially difficult to keep things platonic. She knew she would try though because the thought of him not being around, even if for fleeting moments, hurt her heart.
“Okay, yeah, that sounds nice.” She could do this, sit next to him and act like everything was like it had been before.
He smiled broadly and brought the popcorn and drinks into the living room. She watched him from the foyer for a moment before slipping off her shoes and heading toward the stairs. “Just give me a moment to slip into something else.” She dashed upstairs and quickly changed out of her work clothes. When she was back downstairs she saw Kash was already on the couch with the bowl of popcorn between his thighs. She walked into the living room, eyed the couch and then the recliner, and decided the recliner was probably the best option. She didn’t make it three steps before Kash cleared his throat.
“I know you’re not going to the recliner.”
When she glanced at him he had an eyebrow raised. “Well, I”—she swallowed—“yeah, I was.”
He shook his head and shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth. Tristan watched him, wondering how one man could act two completely different ways. There was this Kash, the one that she had grown to care about, the fun-loving and carefree man, and then there was the one that exerted his power and will over her in the bedroom, the man that used force to defeat anyone in his way. Just thinking about it made her pussy contract. He patted the seat beside him and her pulse raced as she took the offered seat. The smell of him was intoxicating. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him hold up the bowl of popcorn to her. She shook her head while keeping her eyes on the TV screen. She knew her posture was rigid, but being this close to him and trying not to have it affect her was damn near impossible.
“Hey.”
She turned and looked at him. His expression was serious and she found herself swallowing the lump that formed in her throat.
“Are you okay?” He set the bowl of popcorn aside and turned his body toward her. “You seem different, reserved.”
Was he serious? Was it that easy for him to just forget about what they had done? Was she that easy for him to forget? Her irritation and anger over the situation grew. “I’m fine. Let’s just watch the movie.” She knew she probably was acting a little childish, but his total disregard for what had transpired, like he could just pretend it didn’t happen, irked her.
“Okay.” That one word from him sounded distant, but she refused to show any more emotion.
She picked up her drink and downed half of it before the opening credits even started. If only she had the strength to not care like he obviously did.
* * * *
Avoiding Tristan had been hard as hell, but Kash had managed to do it. He didn’t know why he sat on the couch before she came home, popcorn ready and DVD in the player. He should have stayed in his room, or better yet gone out and drowned his emotions in a bottle of whiskey. Yet here he found himself, Tristan just a few inches away from him, smelling incredible and looking so attractive that a shot of lust slammed into his cock. He could do this. He could be her friend. He might be an asshole on the best of days, but she was different. He knew he was a walking contradiction. Hell, he had played ping-pong with his emotions since he first met her, yet no matter how hard he tried to push her away for her own good, he found himself right back in the same place, wanting her something fierce.
Watching the movie was easier said than done. All he wanted to do was drag her across his lap and press his mouth against hers. He knew what she would taste like, sweet and intoxicating strawberries and vanilla. He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. No matter how hard he tried, there were just some things that he couldn’t ignore, some things that tested his strength. Tristan broke the mold and he knew she was his weakness. Whether that was good or bad, he knew he would eventually find out.
Chapter Eighteen
They watched the movie, another horror one that was surprisingly not cheesy. She loved scary movies, but she was also a big sissy. The cheesy ones they had watched had been fine because the lack of horror in them didn’t give her nightmares. This one, however, scared the shit out of her. The wise thing to do was not watch movies that freaked her out, but she was a glutton for punishment, as was the case with Kash and her feelings for him. Tristan found herself becoming engrossed with the movie, and although she knew a particularly scary part was coming up, she wasn’t prepared. The monster attacked a young girl and the special effects were harrowing. Tristan yelped at the sight and found herself plastered to Kash’s side. When she realized what she had done, she tried to pull herself away. Heat flooded her and she refused to look at him. Kash’s arm was around her shoulder and he kept her to his side. She didn’t miss the distinct sound of laughter coming from him. Giving him her best irritated look, she huffed in annoyance.
“I’m glad almost pissing myself was amusing.” He grinned and chucked her under the chin with his finger.
“Aw, come on. You had to know that scene was coming. Did
n’t the spooky music give it away?” He was teasing her, and as much as she wanted to be irritated with him, she couldn’t. She found herself smiling in return. She tried to move away again, but he wouldn’t have any of that.
“Come on, Tristan. Friends hold each other, don’t they?” He stared down at her and for an instant Tristan thought about the memory of his lips on hers.
Their mouths were so close, inches apart. They watched each other for several long moments, until finally the main character’s scream filled the air. As if that had snapped them out of whatever trance they were in, they looked away at the same time. Despite the heat that traveled through her at being so close to him, she couldn’t forget his words. The longer she let herself stay so close, emotionally and physically, the harder it would be on her. Sure, she could pretend all she wanted, which she was poorly doing now, and sure, she could live with him, but having him touch her, no, she was about to explode.
When the movie finally ended, she moved away from him. Kash didn’t stop her, but he also didn’t get up from the couch. The screen turned black, bathing the room in muted darkness before turning blue as the DVD finally ended. She glanced at him quickly and was surprised to see him watching her.
“This is too hard for you, isn’t it?”
Tristan looked down and started messing with the invisible thread on her shirt. “Everything is fine. I just have a lot on my mind.” It wasn’t exactly the whole truth, but it wasn’t a lie either. She felt his finger under her chin and then he was lifting her face up. Her eyes locked with his and her breath caught. “I’m fine, Kash, really.” Those words were a whisper from her mouth. Kash’s gaze dipped down to her lips and adrenaline rushed through her bloodstream.