by Luke Loaghan
Doreen wouldn’t talk or even look at me. I ignored her, and continued to write articles. I met with the sports reporters. Finally after an hour, Doreen said that she and Sam were no longer friends.
She said “From the beginning, Sam was fishing for information about my college applications.” She said Sam completed his college application similar to hers and even copied sections word for word. This did in fact sound like Sam.
I asked Doreen if she was going on the ski trip, and she said it wasn’t her “scene.” It was hard to figure out what exactly her scene was. Other than the newspaper office, she couldn’t be seen anywhere.
Later that day, Mr. Zoose asked about my senior life map. I said, “It’s coming along great. I’m almost done.” I hadn’t even started it, and didn’t know how to begin.As I left school, a sign in the lobby read, “State and City College Applications due by December 21.” I didn’t even have the applications. I was thinking that a school upstate may have been the right way to go. It had to be a school not too far away either, because I didn’t have money for long commutes. I didn’t have a car and had to keep in mind the cost of bus trips home. I was a kid from New York City, and the subways were my method of transportation.
A line formed outside the guidance counselor’s office for applications for state and city colleges. John was already on line, and said he would pick up an application for me. I said, “Only state not city, I really got to get the hell outta here.”
“You and me both,” John shouted back. I was serious about going away to college, and John would only do what his father allowed.
I left school and was walking to the subway. The psychic wasn’t outside, and the curtains were closed. I guessed she had a customer. Delancey was walking ahead with her friends, and I called out to her. The girls turned around and waited for me to catch up. To my delight, Delancey told her friends to go on without her. I offered to ride the subway with her. Her cheeks and ears were turning red from the cold, but when I accidentally touched her hand, I noticed that her hands were lukewarm.
She said that she had applied to a few colleges already.
“I’m applying to state schools. I have to be pragmatic, and only apply to schools that I can afford,” I said.
“I figured you would get a music scholarship somewhere,” she said.
“I hadn’t even considered it,” I replied. “I have to focus on getting a job and making money, and making it in music is a real long shot,” I said.
“I think you are too materialistic, and you should forget about the money and pursue your dreams.”
“Delancey, we live in a material world and it costs money to rent here. The realm you belong to is a little different.” She probably had no idea how difficult it was in a world without family money. But how could she? We rode together, and she switched trains at Times Square.
I watched as she walked on the platform, towards the front end. She was so airy and light, a stark contrast to the grimy and dingy subway. She disappeared into the far end of the station. The second she was no longer visible, I missed her. My heart sank. I was stunned by her effect on me.
At home, my grandmother, Calli, came over to help out. She did this about once a week, and we were all very grateful. My grandmother had to be grandmother and mother. I always looked forward to her cooking. It was the only time we ate well. I asked if she was lonely.
My grandmother replied that she had a lifetime of memories, and still felt my grandfather’s presence in their home. She even had dreams about him sometimes. She was all warm with smiles. Sometimes she had to turn around to make sure my grandfather was really not there.
The next day, Sam and Carlos were outside the entrance of the school smoking. This was a first for Carlos and the cigarette looked out of place in his hand. They offered me one, I wasn’t into getting cancer. They looked at each other and laughed like I was some kind of fool. Carlos said, “Sam has a great story to tell.”
I listened to his braggadocio recount of the previous day’s activity in disbelief. Sam stole money from his parents, and went for a reading from the psychic. She said that he would get into Harvard, but he would not be valedictorian. She said that Sam’s friends were against him, and that he had a very bright future in medicine. Then Sam told me that they had an intimate experience.
“The horizontal tango.”
I asked if this was a joke.
It was no joke. During their session, the psychic explained that she knew a powerful ritual that would make his future brighter and could guarantee one wish. It sounded perverse and nefarious. She offered to make all his troubles go away if he helped her complete a ritual. Sam described magical incantations that the psychic repeated. Involved were cigarettes, rum, beads, feathers, a few candles, and a little drop of blood from his lip. Sam had wished that if he couldn’t have Delancey that no one else could either.
“Do you realize that you participated in the occult?” He crudely motioned that he had gotten a lot out of it, and he didn’t believe in mumbo jumbo, voodoo, the heebee jeebees, or anything of that ilk. Carlos thought I was freaking out for no reason.
They were losers that would do anything for instant gratification.
I told John about Sam’s story. John felt this was evil and was evidently very frightened. His religious background and beliefs were making him concerned. Sam participating in the ritual was a sure sign that he had no morals or ethics. I may have suspected it in the past, but now I knew for sure.
“I thought he was intelligent and religious,” said John.
“I don’t think he really has any religion,” I replied.
John handed me an application for New York State colleges. I took it home and promptly completed it. The great thing about the application was the fact that it was free. I picked a school in upstate New York, three hours away. It seemed like a good choice. There was a picture of a pretty girl on the brochure. I needed to complete the essay. The question read, “Describe a day in your life that defined who you are as a person.” I took a deep breath, and stared at the question for ten minutes. Then I wrote my essay.
When I was eleven years old, my mother died. I did everything I could do, but I was not home to make sure she took her medication on time. It was my responsibility to come straight home from school and give her the pills she needed. I was the oldest child, and my father had to work until 6. My younger sibling was too young to be given such a responsibility. She was sick for a long time. I’m not sure if the medication could’ve prolonged or prevented the cancer from winning the battle. All I know is that I wasn’t home from school on time, and when I arrived, I opened the door with my key, and found her on the kitchen floor. I tried to wake her, but I was too late. She had already passed. I called my father at work, but could not reach him. My grandmother arrived shortly. There was no waking her up.
When my father came home, he asked if I had given her the medicine. I told him that I had not, that I came home late, and she had already passed away. “Why were you late?” he asked me. I explained that I was playing basketball with my friends, and was a half hour late. My father was angry with me, but didn’t say anything else. He didn’t speak to me for two weeks.
At my mother’s funeral, I played her favorite song on guitar. It was my way of honoring her memory. My rendition was enough to bring tears to everyone’s face. My mother’s countenance was peaceful. I have never played that song again, and I never will. It was my way of making a promise that I would never allow myself to be so irresponsible again. I also decided that instead of goofing off, I would spend my life working and helping to support my family. The day my mother died changed the way I live.
I mailed it immediately and went to sleep wondering what I had done. I knew nothing about this school, and had never been to upstate New York, but now I made a decision that put my future in play. I had knots in my stomach all night.
The ball was in motion. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be accepted to the college I had just applied to, bu
t it felt good to have at least one college application out there. Acting on a decision changes things.
At work, Mike arrived about a half hour late, and opened the Café. I told Christine about my senior ski trip. She mentioned that Eddie Lo was also going on the trip.
Mike had his routines, and the wakeup routine was one that could be written in stone. First he yawned, and then he stretched. Then he washed his face with cold water. He dried off, poured himself a cup of coffee, which he drank in silence and ate a muffin. He did more stretches, louder, animal sounding yawns, and then decided to check up on us. It was a bizarre routine to which I was accustomed.
Mike asked me what was new. I said that I applied to a college, and that I was going on a ski trip. “What college?” he asked.
“A state college in Albany,” I said.
“That’s where I went the second time around,” Mike said as he walked away.
I had to pick my jaw up from the floor. Not only did Mike go to my high school, but he went to my college? My fear of turning into Mike was first and foremost in my mind. “So what happened?” I asked.
Mike shrugged and said, “Every kid is different. My roommate in college hardly drank, mostly studied, avoided drugs, and had a great time. He graduated and is now a dentist. I would go to the parties with him, and he would stay for three hours and hardly drink. But not me, I couldn’t stop drinking and doing drugs.”
I asked, “What was the difference was between you and your roommate?” Mike did not have an answer but said that he’d get back to me.
Later that day a customer walked in to the café. He was a well dressed young man, probably in his thirties. I asked him what he did for a living, and he said he was an investment banker. I asked him what an investment banker did, and he said he made money using other people’s money. I asked if he was married or had a family and he said that it wasn’t in the plan. His words echoed in my head for the rest of the day.
I guess the guy had a plan, and it was time for me to have a plan. On the subway heading home, I pulled out a notebook and pen, and decided it was time to write.
“Life Map, twenty years from now”
1. I am married with kids. I am looking forward to a family, and a wife, and this means that I will not hesitate nor put this off. If I find the right person, then I will move forward. I am not going to be the kind of guy that is afraid to get married or have children. I think that I will only date women that have the potential of being my “significant other” and not waste my time with people that are not. I would rather be alone than waste my time with someone with whom I do not want to share the rest of my life.
2. I have a very good income, though I do not have to go to work every day for a set number of hours. My father works two jobs, six and seven days a week. This is not what I envision for myself. I am not going to get stuck in the rut of missing out on all the good things in my life and my children’s lives, the way my father did when I was growing up. I will need to either have my own business or make a lot of money in a different setting. I will emulate the owner of the café; he has plenty of free time.
3. I spend a lot time with my kids, playing sports, taking them to activities. I plan on being an active father, and allowing my kids to play sports, and do all the activities that I never had the opportunity to do.
4. I have a better relationship with God than I do now. Many of the kids at Stanton do not have strong foundations, and often have emotional problems because of this. They turn to suicide and drugs. I am not the most religious person. I have to admit I wonder where God was when my mother died, but I also do not wish to stray too far from my belief in God. In tough times, and my entire life has been tough times, it is this faith that has kept my family together.
5. I am confident in all aspects of my life. I don’t plan to be the same nervous little kid with an inferiority complex when I grow up.
6. I have good friends that I can rely on. I don’t need a lot of friends, or any fake friends. Just a handful, who I know are good people and that I can count on.
7. I am educated. I plan on going to college and actually learning something. I don’t want to go to college to just get a degree or to train for a job.
8. I have good ethics and values. I don’t want to look in the mirror and be ashamed of myself one day.
9. I am the kind of person that helps others, always shows kindness, and above all else, I have a great sense of humor and I am always laughing and telling jokes. I don’t want to change from the person that I am today. I see too many people unable and unwilling to really enjoy their lives. They are too stressed out to really take a step back and smell the roses.
10.I have income from various sources such as stocks, bonds, and real estate investments. This really is tied to not having to work every single day for a fixed amount of hours. Money is important for the quality of life that I desire, but I saw my father work and work and work and never get ahead.
11.My health is great; I have always taken good care of my health. I don’t plan on getting sick or drinking too much and killing my liver. I don’t plan on being a stoner or having no brain cells in twenty years from using drugs.
12.I drive a car, and no longer take the subways.
13.I can hold a conversation with anyone on any topic at anytime. Maybe this boils down to being educated, and maybe it boils down to being well versed in a variety of topics. I think it also comes down to being better socialized than I am now.
14.I am not shy, or intimidated by any person or situation. I am never going to shy away from a confrontation or a fight.
15.I have never been arrested. This is important because I’ve seen too many people get arrested over the years, and I am intent on staying out of jail. The best way to not get arrested is to walk a straight line.
16.I am successful in business. I’m not sure of the business, but I don’t want to be an investment banker. Maybe I’ll own a café. Maybe the music business. But I think that business is the way I want to go.
17.I have excellent common sense. I definitely would like to say one day that common sense kept me from making bad decisions. I see so many academically smart kids at Stanton that seem to lack common sense.
18.I am very happy and have no regrets. I don’t want to do anything that I’ll regret in twenty years. The next time I come to a fork in the road, or I am about to make a bad decision, I will have to ask myself if this is something that I will regret one day.
I looked at the list I had just written. I had just described a life opposite to my father’s. It encompassed who I wanted to be. I wasn’t sure if Mr. Zoose would approve of it.
I went to English class and showed my life map to him. I was not nervous about him looking it over. He’s not the kind of teacher that ever made students anxious or nervous. He looked at it, smiled, and said it was very good. This is how Mr. Zoose reacted to anything anyone ever wrote. Mr. Zoose was the master of positive feedback and made me feel at ease. Mr. Zoose then handed it back to me.
“It’s your map, not mine. Keep it in your wallet, and make decisions in your life based on the map and it will lead to where you want to be in twenty years.” I folded it and placed it in my wallet.
Sal Carus was in the hallway. I knew of him, but really couldn’t say that I knew him well. He was very smart, and a bit of nerd. Sal did well in his classes, but did not have many friends. He took his academic life very seriously and was ranked in the top ten.
“What’s up, Sal?” I said. With angst, Sal said he was done with high school. I asked if he was dropping out and he laughed. His science research project had led to a scholarship to Pratt University. This would be his last month in high school. He would start college full time in January.
Maybe there was something wrong with me; first, for not having a scholarship, second, for not starting college early, and third, for wanting to finish my senior year in high school. I was not jealous of Sal; clearly I was just not as smart as he was. He had a gift for academics that I d
id not. I was looking forward to the ski trip, the prom, and just seeing my friends everyday. After speaking with Sal, I felt like I was lagging behind, like I was at the bottom of the barrel. But I would not want to trade places with Sal. He was awkward, had no friends, no social life, and dressed funny as well.
I shook his hand and congratulated him. Mr. Mash, our principal was making his rounds. Jubilant, with a large grin, he proudly placed his arm around Sal. “It is a remarkable achievement, Ignacio,” said Mr. Mash.
“Ignacio?” I asked.
“That’s my real name. Everyone just calls me Sal because I’m Italian.”
Sal proclaimed that he couldn’t wait; his goal was to finish college in three years, and start graduate school.
Mr. Mash and Sal exited the hallways. I was about to head to my next class, when
Mr. Zoose approached with a strange look of confusion.
“Did I hear that correctly?” he asked with arms crossed.
“Sal is starting college in January; he has a scholarship to Pratt University for his science research,” I replied.
Mr. Zoose shook his head. “That’s terrible. He’s already a year younger than he should be because he skipped a grade. Ignacio’s definitely not emotionally or mentally ready for college. This is a disaster.”
“He’s really excited about going, and he’s ready to start. Sal’s planning on graduating college in three years and starting grad school,” I said.
The next thing Mr. Zoose said was like a shotgun going off.
“I’ve had to talk Ignacio out of suicide twice. Ms. Carus, his mother, has been through a lot. He’s even seen a psychiatrist for depression. It is best not to be in a hurry to finish or skip important years of your life. You can never get them back.” Mr. Zoose walked back to his class.