She dropped to her knees in front of me, placing her hands on my thighs. “Now that he knows I’m serious and I’m actually gone, I really don’t think he’ll be a problem. Besides, my brother can keep an eye on me too.”
Snorting out my disbelief, I dropped my head back and stared at the ceiling for divine intervention with this situation. “Yeah, because he’s done a stand-up job of that so far, right?”
“Kayde, that’s not fair. We all deal with grief differently. I’ll talk to him. I’ll let him know what was going on. I never should have kept it from him in the first place, but I fell victim to Lawrence’s scare tactics and threats. Surely he won’t do half of what he said. He’s a fucking cop, for crying out loud. There are repercussions. He’s not God or above the law. If you’re that worried about me, then stay. Don’t leave.”
Did she understand what she was asking? Didn’t she realize it wasn’t easy for me to just up and relocate either? And I didn’t have someone potentially stalking me. She did.
“Babe, I can’t.” It briefly crossed my mind to just wrap her up and drag her back with me kicking and screaming, but I was pretty sure that wouldn’t have gone over well going through the airport.
Squeezing the muscles of my thighs for emphasis, she sighed and said, “Then you’ll just have to trust that I’m a big girl and I’m making my own decisions for the first time in over a year.”
“This is a bad idea. You know I can’t, in good conscience, leave you here unprotected. But I can’t stay, babe. I have to get back. I have a job, a club, a life there. I’m on the verge of buying the tattoo shop I’m working at. This is big for me. Please consider coming back with me. I don’t want to walk away from you again. I can’t protect you from up there. If you were with me, I could keep you safe.” The thought of leaving her had my insides knotted and churning. Anger simmered under the surface, biding its time, waiting to rupture the fragile control I had on it.
“It doesn’t matter where I am, you can’t guarantee my safety. Unless you’re going to be with me 24/7, and even then, shit happens. That’s life and you know it. We’ll just have to keep in touch, and we can visit back and forth until we figure all this shit out. There’s FaceTime and a million other ways to stay close thanks to technology. Unless you’re saying you don’t want to do long distance and you just want to call it quits now.”
The dark, ugly part of me wanted to lash out and say yeah, if I couldn’t have her, I didn’t want to see her or talk to her. Then the thought of never seeing her or Ty again left me feeling broken and bleeding.
Gathering her up to the couch, I pulled her to lie on top of me and brought one leg over hers, anchoring her to me. Her spun-silk hair escaped over her shoulder, and I twirled it around my hand. Using it as leverage, I pulled her lips closer to mine where I whispered across her dark pink lips, “We’ll figure it out. Somehow. Someway.” Just after our lips joined, our tongues tentatively reached out for the other. What started as a sweet, tender kiss morphed into a battle for dominance with no winner. It happened every single time. We ripped at each other’s clothing, desperate for the maximum contact of heated skin.
Breaking away, gasping for a lungful of oxygen, she gazed down at me, lust shining in her flushed cheeks, swollen lips, and glittering eyes. In that quiet moment, I knew I would die for her if need be. She was everything, and without her, my life was nothing. I was sure I’d be able to convince her to come back with me. I just needed a few days.
But a few days later, everything went to shit.
Uncle Javier’s club had come through with an apartment for Sera, and they would only let her pay enough to cover the utilities. She’d been pissed, thinking she was getting handouts or preferential treatment, but as far as they were concerned, she was family.
After checking out of the hotel, we grabbed the few things she’d acquired since she had left the asshole and brought them to the apartment. It was furnished and had all the things someone would need to stay for any period of time, so she didn’t have to worry about furniture or household stuff, just personal things.
Then I’d broken down and told her I was leaving the next day. I’d begged her again to come with me. Again, she had refused. Misery etched her face, and tears cut a path down her cheeks. “I need to be here. Tyler’s mom needs me and Ty. My dad needs us.”
“What about you, Sera? What do you need? You can’t keep doing this to yourself, living your life for everyone else. You can’t keep doing this to me. You traded one mantle of control for another, but you refuse to see it! I’m sorry you lost Tyler, that his mom lost him. I’m sorry we all lost him, and I’m so happy we still have a piece of him in Ty. But goddamn it, Sera, I already love that little boy like he’s my very own. Like I planted him in you the night we made love. Yeah, we made love that night. At least I did. Maybe it was born of grief and a desperate need to feel alive, but I fucking made love to you because I’ve loved you since the day I met you. I don’t want to leave either of you here, where you’re not safe.”
“What? Are you fucking serious? Then why didn’t you ever say anything? Why didn’t you fight for me, if that’s how you felt? Maybe because that’s bullshit. I remember how after Tyler and I started dating, you had some new fucking slut hanging on your arm every other day! That’s not a guy in love. I heard you, Christian, and Tyler talking when you were playing football in the backyard and you thought I was reading. Talking about those heifers and the things they did to you. Why would I think for a second you cared about me? Then you up and left me, Kayde. Left for the Marine Corps and never looked back. Oh, you sent or replied to an e-mail here or there. Occasional cards. But you never came back, Kayde. Just like everyone else, you fucking left me.”
“Jesus, Sera. I was a teenage kid. Did I fuck up? Yeah, I did. But I was hurt, and I was lashing out. I fucking knew you were listening with your nosey little ears perked up to hear every word. That’s why I made sure to say those things. Why I flaunted girls in front of you. Because I wanted, and hoped, to hurt you as much as you hurt me. I thought maybe you would show me that I mattered, that my feelings weren’t one-sided. It was wrong, and I admit that, but I was pissed that Tyler had what I wanted. And as far as leaving you? Fuck, would you have wanted to sit and watch me with some other girl? Her hands touching me in front of you day in and day out? Wondering if I fucked her slow and easy, or hard and rough? Because I couldn’t do it.” The shocked and hurt expression on her face almost had me stopping to find a way to give in to her. To stay here and give up everything I had back in Iowa. But I couldn’t do it. Yes, I loved her, but she obviously didn’t love me the same way or she would at least consider coming back with me.
At her continued silence, I decided to throw down the gauntlet. “Does that make me weak? Maybe. But there was no way I could sit around and watch the two of you have what should have been ours, if only I had opened my fucking mouth. If only I had not worried about betraying my best friend by wanting his little sister. Unfortunately, Tyler didn’t have such concerns, and he got to you first. So yeah, I wasn’t strong enough to watch him hold you while I held a bunch of cold ‘if onlys.’ You were going to divorce him, and now Tyler’s dead. Your brother didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on with you. Your dad works sunup to sundown, and you have one single solitary friend, thanks to that fuckwad you were with, but instead of giving us a chance, you want to stay here in your misery, wallowing in your self-pity about everyone leaving you, yet being here for everyone else. Not only that, but risk being found by the man who beat the living shit out of you for over a fucking year! What if, when he finds you, he turns that on Ty? What then? Will it still be worth staying here in this godforsaken town? So you make your choices. No one is forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do. I love you heart and soul, Sera, but I’m leaving tomorrow.” Pausing, I dropped the two plane tickets I’d bought and paid for, when I foolishly thought she would jump at the chance for a fresh start away from all the crap and memories here, on the coffee
table in front of her. “If you don’t show, I’ll know what your decision is. But regardless of your choice, I’ll always love you more than my next breath.”
Before I could cave, I walked out the door, got on my uncle’s bike, and headed back to my grandfather’s place. I was having dinner with everyone tonight before I left. I’d planned to stay with Sera and Ty tonight because I really thought she would’ve changed her mind and decided to get the fuck out of Dodge. Now I needed to clear my head. Needed some space.
I’d totally meant what I said. My next breath was less important than her, but I couldn’t keep hanging my heart out for her to shoot full of arrows because she wanted to use me up, but not love me back.
“Falling Apart”—Papa Roach
THE DAY HE RETURNED to Iowa was almost worse than the day Tyler died. It hurt too much to watch him leave, so I stood in the apartment, fighting tears and losing, as he walked out the door. Those tickets taunted me from the coffee table where they sat for days after their date. It was impossible for me to throw them away, so I had put them facedown in one of the kitchen drawers. More than anything, I wanted to use them, but it wouldn’t be fair to my family or Ty. Before he left, Kayde had set Ty and me up in a small but clean two-bedroom apartment in a fourplex his uncle’s club owned. Javier said they used it for when they had club members or family visiting from out of town. We’d been there for about two months with no word from Lawrence, so I counted my blessings.
There was only one full-time resident, and she was also a single mother. She was quiet and, initially, we rarely had in-depth conversations. All I’d known at first was that she was a former brother’s “old lady.” That term still cracked me up because I really thought she was going to be actually old when Javier told me about her. Anyway, by former I mean he died when a truck ran a red light and T-boned him, killing him instantly. Poor girl. Her baby had been a mere year old at the time. Then, after his death, Emily had lost her job because they said she missed too much work after he died. I’d never understand how people could be so heartless.
After about a week or two of shuffling Ty around to my family members and Amy, Em caught me in the small laundry building out back and we got to talking. She was still struggling with the loss of her fiancé to the accident and was crying when I walked in with two heaping baskets and Ty on my heels. Ty had broken the awkward moment in his guileless little boy way by climbing up into the chair next to her little girl and introducing himself. It sent a pang to my heart as it transported me back in time to a little boy who looked so much like Ty and that little girl who told him he was going to be her best friend forever.
Shaking my head to clear the memories and the pain in my chest, I watched as she tried to wipe away the evidence of her grief and paste a smile on her face. “Hi, I’m Emily. This is my daughter, Rose. I’m sorry I’ve been kind of antisocial. It’s been a rough day. Hell, it’s been a rough year.”
“Hey, I understand. Trust me. I’ve….” I took a deep breath. “I’ve been there.”
That was the catalyst for one of the toughest conversations either of us had probably ever experienced. Finding out she wasn’t alone helped her open up. She’d had a hard time because she had no family in the area, and her few friends didn’t understand since they had never experienced an unexpected loss like she had. They all thought she should accept it and move on because it had been over a year since his death.
One thing led to another, and we were talking about my schedule and how hard it was to find daycare. That’s when she told me she did medical coding from home for a couple of local clinics and offered to watch Ty for me. It was a mutually beneficial situation for us; she earned some extra money to help with her bills, and I had a great sitter right in my building.
Since then, we became friends, and on my weekends off, we were often together. She and Rose had even joined me a few times for dinner with my dad. He had taken to Rose as if she was another grandchild and was even trying to teach her Spanish. Amy even loved her, and we had enjoyed a girls’ night in my apartment where we painted our nails and drank wine while the kiddos slept in sleeping bags on the living room floor, propped up with pillows from the couch. They had tried to stay up late watching Frozen, but couldn’t hang with the big dogs.
Knowing I had time to get changed, I trudged up the steps to let myself in the little apartment. Dropping my keys on the kitchen table, I shuffled my tired legs into the bedroom and peeled off the nasty scrubs spattered in blood from the hellish day I’d barely survived. Glancing at the clock, I shot off a text to Em to let her know I was home and was taking a five-minute shower to get the germs off me before I went down to get Ty. She answered right away, telling me to take my time, the kiddos were playing but she was putting Rose to bed soon, so if she didn’t answer to let myself in.
For just a few minutes, I stood letting the hot water wash over my exhausted body, easing the tense muscles. After scrubbing vigorously, I rinsed and rushed to get dried and dressed. Every day I worked, I missed Ty like crazy, and I couldn’t wait to get down there and grab my little ray of sunshine.
Another person I missed like crazy was Kayde. For almost a month after he left, we didn’t talk. Ty would ask about him nonstop. I’d finally broken down and called him. Not having him to hold me at night was awful, and that first night I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I almost said “fuck it” and packed our things to go to the airport. Then guilt settled in, and I knew I couldn’t just leave my family like that. But not being able to even hear his voice had been killing me, so one night after Ty went to bed, in case Kayde told me to fuck off, I called him.
Since then we’d talked every damn night. As a matter of fact, he should be calling in about forty minutes so he could FaceTime with Ty before I put him to bed. It was hard to say which of them looked forward to that more. I hurried to get ready so I could go grab Ty.
This separation had been hard on all of us, and I told myself every damn day that I needed to figure out a solution that worked for both of us. No, for all of us. Ty was definitely a part of this impossible equation.
My phone rang and I lifted it, looking at the number on the screen first. “Hey, girl, you okay after today?”
Amy blew out a frustrated sigh. “Barely. Today was a bitch, huh? Is it a full moon or something? Damn, how many traumas did we have? I think I lost count.”
There had been several motor vehicle accidents that had ended up at our ER. “There were three, but it just seemed like there were more because there were so many people involved in that second one. They should come up with a safety feature on cell phones that disable texting while in a moving vehicle. Something. Did you hear two of the three accidents were direct results of texting and driving? Dumbasses. Anyway, I’m frickin’ beat. Just getting ready to head down to get Ty from Em, then talk to Kayde before I crash for the next two days.” Laughing, I opened the fridge to grab the orange juice. Pouring a small glass, I sipped it as I slipped my feet into my slides.
“Damn, girl, that man is hot as hell. I can’t believe you didn’t run after him with the clothes on your back and Ty tucked under your arm like a football.” Amy had literally smacked me in the back of the head when I told her everything that had transpired with me and Kayde. She told me I was being foolish, that we only got one life and we should live it to the fullest, grabbing every bit of happiness from it we could.
“It’s not that simple.”
“The hell it’s not, Sera. It’s exactly that simple. Your dad is a grown man, and he isn’t decrepit. He doesn’t need you around to babysit him. Neither does Marla. And I think they would want you and Ty to be happy above all else.” This was the same argument we’d had when I first told her.
“Not tonight, Aim. I’m too tired to hash over this with you.” Closing my eyes, I leaned back against the counter.
“I’m sorry, girl, I didn’t call you to argue or stir shit. Really, I just wanted to know if you wanted to have a girls’ day, get a pedi and do a l
ittle shopping the day after tomorrow. I wanted to do it tomorrow, but they just called and asked me to work because Julie called off sick with the flu. So I figure the next day is my only day off this week, and I’m gonna need some girl time. You know, shopping therapy. Maybe have lunch after?” Her voice was hopeful, and I felt bad for being short with her. She had been by my side for everything. Hell, she’d wanted to go shoot Lawrence when I finally broke down and told her what I had been enduring.
“You know what? That sounds amazing. Let me see if Em will watch Ty for a few hours for me. But I need to go get my little man. After those kids today, I just need to hold mine close, you know?” That was the worst part of working in the ER sometimes—the kids. Whether sick, hurt, whatever. The bad outcomes made you want to just appreciate the little miracles you were blessed with every day.
“All right, chica. I’ll swing by to get you at about nine. If Em can’t watch Ty, it’s no biggie. He can be my little date when we go.”
Smiling and letting out a little laugh, I agreed and ended the call. Maybe I didn’t have a lot of friends, but the one I’d managed to keep had been die-hard and I loved her like crazy. She would go nuts when I told her I had asked for the week of Christmas off to go up to spend it with Kayde. Hell, Kayde didn’t know yet because I wanted to surprise him. I must be nuts to even be thinking of going up there in the middle of the winter. A shiver snaked down me at the thought of driving in that cold white crap. Despite my fears of the driving conditions, I was excited. It was only another few weeks away. His gift was wrapped and sitting under my tree with a big huge bow Ty picked out.
Though my legs were tired, the trip downstairs to get my boy shot an extra boost of energy to them and I was down in record time. When Em didn’t answer to my light knock, I knew she was putting Rose to sleep, so I opened the door.
Kayde's Temptation: A Demented Sons MC Novel Page 14