by Amanda Daul
Trax’s lilting voice drifted through her thoughts, suddenly. “Your expression is telling me that I may need to apologize for something.”
She withheld the comment she first wanted to dish out, biting her lip. Being mad at him was such a natural reflex at this point, she didn’t even bother to take his reasons into account. If he hadn’t showed up like he had in Daer, then Cayl would not have jumped to his conclusions, they might have separated on better terms than they had, and her brain wouldn’t be filled with conflicting arguments with herself about exactly who Trax was and what she was to him. It was too much to process and deal with when she had little to no time as it was to figure out a way to disarm the General’s control.
“You shouldn’t have showed up like that,” she blurted out before she could stop herself. She was aware that she was likely starting something that she didn’t want to get involved in right now, something that could lead in directions that she didn’t want to explore, but her overall frustration was becoming too much, and Trax was the easiest person to take it out on.
He paused a moment, but didn’t seem at all surprised by her quick, heated snap. He was probably used to her temper by now. “Care to elaborate?”
They had paced far enough away from the camp that they were out of earshot of the other men, but even if they weren’t, Arissa wasn’t as concerned about controlling her voice as she should have been.
“Something came up, I understand, but that does not give you the right to show up on my doorstep like that! You convinced me to go back so there wouldn’t be any unresolved issues between me and Cayl and that’s what I did. I was trying to be fair about it with him so it would be easier and now thanks to you, he thinks everything I’ve ever told him is a lie! That wasn’t fair, Trax.” Her words spilled uncontrollably. Hoping that the more she blamed Trax, the better it would make her feel, but it didn’t. She still felt terrible, but it was too late to take back what she had said now. She didn’t even know if she really meant it.
He seemed unfazed, readily answering. “My apologies, love. You said so yourself that you understood why I did it, I had to save our position here, so forgive me if I’m confused as to why you are upset. If I had not warned you, you may have walked into a trap. If Cayl is upset with either of us, he can just get over it. We’ll be back in camp soon enough, I’m sure, and you’ll be back in his arms again.”
It only occurred to her now that he didn’t know what had happened after he had left their house hours ago. It shouldn’t matter that Trax know, but for some unfathomable reason, it did to her. The expression in her eyes told him as much, and he immediately questioned it.
“Trax...” she said quietly, hesitant. They were facing each other, out of reach, but the grip he had on her eyes felt unbreakable. “I left Cayl today. Our marriage is over.”
For perhaps the first time ever, Trax was speechless. His lips twitched, leaving his mouth slightly agape with his eyes widened with realization. With no attempt to speak for another moment, he looked shell-shocked, but his eyes were unfocused when he slowly clenched his jaw shut, like he was focusing more on what he was thinking than concealing his expression from Arissa.
“I didn’t realize that you had intended to split up.”
“How could I not? I can’t stay with Cayl and be out here at the same time. It’s not fair and it’s not safe for him or...” Though Trax already knew about Janelle, she still couldn’t make herself say her name, but by the sympathetic look in his eyes, she knew he understood what she meant. “I have dedicated my life to this, Trax. In his eyes, I chose you over him, and now it’s cost me my marriage.”
He was over his initial surprise, but now he just looked hesitant as his eyes flitted to the ground a moment before he spoke, nervously touching his hair. “With all due respect, Arissa, your marriage was over long before I showed up.”
In the last few minutes, her aggravations had decreased, but now, every fibre of emotion she had shot up again. She expected to feel a hot, burning loathing rise in her, the same familiar feeling she used to get every time Trax was within sight, but she didn’t. His comment completely outraged her, but more than anything else, she felt scared. Her opinion about Trax had been so chaotic that it was difficult for even herself to keep track of exactly how she felt about it. All she knew was that after leaving the house and her only family behind, she had wanted to see him, because she knew in some way that she didn’t understand, he would comfort her. Not with actions or words, just simply with his presence. It was something she knew she couldn’t allow herself to depend on.
“How dare you?” she exclaimed, breathlessly. “What makes you think that you have the right to say that? You don’t know what this feels like. You can’t say something like that when you didn’t even know either of us before any of this!”
“It doesn’t matter, because I know you now, Arissa.” The fire in his voice suddenly shot up, as well. He wasn’t angry, but he was clearly frustrated. The entire scene felt jumbled and disorienting to her. “The fact that you told me, a perfect stranger, a man that you hated-”
“Hate,” she corrected, returning a glare that would have made anybody else take a step back from her. Not Trax. He took her challenge as an invitation and instead, moved even closer to her, invading her personal space and not even caring. She knew he didn’t believe her.
“The fact that you told me more about yourself in three weeks than you told Cayl in ten years of marriage...” he repeated, letting his words trail off. His accent was heavy, his last words hissing under his breath. “Speaks for itself.”
His audacity silenced her. She wanted to hate him, but at the same time she wanted to absorb the protective safety she felt with him, but most of all, she wanted to rid herself of the burning, pressing weight in her chest. Grief, worry, guilt and confliction all boiled together to the point that she could feel her throat clenching tightly in frustration and stubborn tears attempted to sting her eyes.
Trax was not the reason she had ended her marriage. She would not leave her husband for another man. She had ended it because her involvement with the revolution was too dangerous to have loved ones, and while she did care about Cayl a great deal, she knew that she didn’t love him the way she may have once. Since the first night they had been reunited weeks ago, she knew something was off and though she had wanted for it to pass, everything had rapidly declined at a steady pace after that. Whatever was happening between her and Trax, whether it was solidarity or tolerant enemies, it had nothing to do with Cayl.
“Who do you think you are?” she inquired, not breaking the new eye contact she had found or moving away from the unusually close proximity. “First you claim to want to be my friend, then you tell me you were faking the whole time while trying to blackmail me with my own family, and now what? Are you my friend? My enemy? You hate Cayl and Landon, but you are intent on knowing me? If you want to stay a part of this team, Trax, then you have got to be honest and tell me what is going on because I can’t do this anymore with you.”
She didn’t sound angry, though she wanted to. He only watched her as her quickened words spilled from her tense lips, her dark eyes following the expressions in his face in return. It didn’t look like he had an answer ready for her, which was rare. Trax was always prepared with a remark or challenge of some kind to throw back in conversation, but now, it appeared her words had stunned him.
Continuing, Arissa felt her expression fall as she spoke. “I don’t know what to think of you, Trax. I want to hate you because you are the most obnoxious, overbearing person I have ever met in my life! You clearly have no boundaries or a sense of personal space at all, and I’ll admit that I tried to play you in the beginning, too. You are too...mysterious for me to trust and I wanted to know who you really were. But at the same time as all of this, there is something about you that I haven’t known before and it pulls me to you. When I left Cayl today, all I wanted was to find you again, because there is something about you that makes me feel l
ike I can trust you and I want to. Then you go shooting your mouth off about things you don’t understand and I just want to punch you again.
“So that’s me. That’s what I’m thinking right now, what I have been thinking for weeks. If you have any interest in playing along and enlightening me, please, be my guest. If not, I can’t work with somebody I can’t trust to have my back.”
Nobody and nothing moved. The air was dead still and Trax’s eyes had stopped shifting between hers, now they were only locked in place, processing and thinking while Arissa struggled to keep her hands from trembling. Her long speech had basically winded her and the silence was deafening.
She couldn’t believe she had just said all that she had. Telling Trax the strange power he apparently had over her could have been her greatest mistake. Arissa knew too well the chaos that could come from someone having too much control over another, having been a part of such actions for too many years.
Waiting for his reply was painful. She was mentally cursing herself, and a warm flush hit her face, an obvious betrayal of her shame. The burning tension in her chest only tightened, and against her best attempts, her bottom lip trembled from the shiver that was threatening to rack her body.
“Say something,” she whispered.
Quickly swallowing, as if to prolong his response, Trax finally dropped his gaze and his hand darted up to rub just behind his ear, nervously.
His eyes brightened immediately. “I don’t know what to say, Arissa. I will, however, admit that I am surprised by what you just told me. It isn’t any different from what I’ve been thinking myself. About you, of course.”
“Have I given you reason not to trust me?”
“Have I?”
That couldn’t be true. Her eyes narrowed, locked on his as she attempted to process what she had just heard. This was another one of his tricks, it had to be. She was so used to everyone seeing her as the impassive leader that being recognized as someone with real feelings was unsettling to her. Trax had somehow gotten under her skin and the overwhelming reaction she had felt ever since had shaken every wall she had, walls that Cayl had never been able to penetrate. Now he was telling her that it had been intentional? Arissa felt the overpowering urge to run as far from him as possible before their conversation continued, but her feet wouldn’t follow her direction and stayed exactly where they were.
“Trax...no,” she breathed, knowing he probably didn’t even hear her. “Why are you doing this?”
“All you’ve done since we’ve met is try to hide behind a front. That may have worked with the General and even with Cayl, but that type of thing doesn’t work with me,” Trax responded forcefully. His words were gritty against his accent, and the determined tone told Arissa that he wasn’t going to let the conversation die anytime soon like she wished it would. She couldn’t do this with him right now.
She tried to interrupt him, but he didn’t heed. “You talk about honesty and trust, and then you tell me you were playing me just so you could decide whether I was trustworthy or not. Make up your mind, love.”
“You did the exact same thing! When you found me before we saw the General, you told me you lied for the same reason.”
He arched an eyebrow quickly, challenging. “Did I?
Before she answered, her drowning brain was whirling back in time to the conversation they had had that night and when she recalled his words, she repeated them, making sure she had remembered them correctly. A moment later, it occurred to her and she felt a sharp pang of realization in her chest.
The night she had decided the only way to keep herself and her daughter safe from Trax’s undependability was to end his life, he had led her to believe he had only made the effort to know her to play along with her own suspicions. She wanted to keep believing that he had lied, but the expression in his softening eyes told her otherwise.
“You lied to me by telling me the truth?” she voiced, incredulously.
He shrugged, daring to look amused for a moment. “It works. I’ll admit I am guilty of misleading you, but I have never spoken a lie to you, Arissa.”
“What does this even mean? If you were serious about being...closer or whatever, why do you even want that?”
“Why is it so hard for you to believe that I want to know you for you? Arissa, when we’re together, I could care less about the world around us. I don’t care about the General or the camp or how the hell any of us are going to survive any of this. Until I saved your life at the execution, I didn’t even care about my own life. Who would? This isn’t any way to live. But you...Arissa, you make my life bearable. I don’t know why, because it’s been more than obvious that you don’t reciprocate and I still can’t get you out of my head.” Now it was his turn to gaze back at her, bewildered and breathless. There was a moment of heavy silence before he tacked on, brazenly, “Is that clear enough for you?”
There was no way in hell that the lingering, overwhelming and incomprehensible emotion that Arissa had been feeling towards Trax but unable to label was attraction. It just...no. It was Trax. It had taken weeks for her to even stand being in the same room as him, and even now, her judgement regarding him was still so scattered. She had still been married at the time! It just wasn’t possible.
Although...she thought after a moment of mentally screaming denial. Trax had just put into words precisely what she had been dealing with, and if that was the conclusion that explained his own situation...was it so far-fetched that it was the same for her? The thought had literally never occurred to her, being attracted to Trax in any way. He was gloriously handsome and even though his presumptuous personality was something to be desired, he still possessed that magical power that made Arissa feel a sense of belonging. Still...
She hadn’t spoken since his declaration and he again surprised her by taking a hasty step forward, not even acknowledging her visible start when his shoulder brushed hers.
“Arissa,” he punctuated obviously with an uncharacteristically nervous breath before flashing his deep sea eyes up to meet hers. “I will never lie to you and that’s why you need to hear this. Despite every effort, on both your part and mine, you have become something more complicated and far more valuable than just a leader or a friend to me. As much as I tried to avoid feeling this way, I can’t. Take from this what you will, but I hope you believe every word when I say that you have unknowingly managed to get a grasp on me that I have never felt before in my life.”
Chapter Seventeen
When her words finally did come, they were uneven and sounded like they were stumbling over the next. “Everything you just said is so unlike you, Trax. You can’t possibly blame me for being hesitant! An hour ago I didn’t even know if you were my friend or my enemy and now you’re telling me that you’re...what? What are you?”
“I’m doing what neither of us have had the courage to do until now. Arissa, you are the best fighter I’ve ever dealt with, but you are truly terrible at confronting what it is you’re feeling. You said you wanted all distractions out of the way before we face the General. I’m just helping you do that.”
“Not like this, Trax.” Paranoia and anxiety were rapidly beginning to fill her and she could feel her breath tightening in her throat. She couldn’t deal with this, she had to get away before she began to hyperventilate.
Her attempt to push past him was futile. He swiftly reached out to stop her, closing his soft grip around her arm, willing her to stay with a derisorily sincere expression in his eyes. She wanted to pull away and leave to put as much distance between them as she could, but her mind was preventing her from doing that. She was visibly shaken, feeling cornered and trapped and increasingly desperate to not let Trax see her as the weak, helpless woman she currently felt like. The events from the day were barrelling down on her and she could feel her strength quickly fading from trying to push them away. If he saw her completely break down, she didn’t know what would happen. No other person in the world had seen her cry, and if she allowed him to
, she was afraid it would completely change the dynamic of their warped relationship and she couldn’t consider that now.
He wouldn’t let her leave, but he was gentle, even when he spoke. “I don’t know where you’re planning to go, Arissa, but you may as well humour me. I promise you will never be hurt by my hand.”
“You are either terribly brave or really stupid to be moving in on a married woman,” she hissed under her breath.
Her muscles relaxed fractionally and the moment he sensed it, he let his hand drop, gliding lightly down her arm while doing so. There was a short pause while he was deciding exactly how to put his thoughts into words before eventually spilling them in a rush.
“Arissa, you are not married.”
It took a moment for her to regain her composure from his strange, confusing comment.
“What are you talking about? Of course I am,” she added on somewhat regretfully. Alarm immediately rose in her, wanting to know immediately what he was trying to tell her.
Slowly, he shook his head, deadpan expression in place. He looked neither remorseful nor glad as he watched her intently for her reaction, or perhaps he was just doing a good job of hiding both emotions behind the other. “Not anymore. The government has completely fallen, Arissa. The General pulled all parliamentary support, there is nothing legal binding this country anymore. All deals of legality are gone. That includes marriages.”