by Amanda Daul
“I’m sorry, Trax.” The words were barely audible. Unloading the emotional weight on him had been unfair, but it had been easy. Suddenly, Trax wasn’t the same obnoxious annoyance he had been, he was someone she could confide in. Someone that she now trusted.
He didn’t answer her right away, only watched her expression shifting from ashamed to apologetic and finally settling on uncertainty. Normally, she would be hiding her emotions behind any barrier she could use, wiping her expression clean. Trax was different right now than he had always been before, reciprocating her bared display of emotion. Instead of being awkward or tense, it was oddly comfortable and suddenly, it was as if they both finally understood each other, speaking more in eye contact exchanges than their actual words.
“We both have things we need to apologize for in life, but dwelling on what has happened and cannot be changed is pointless. There is no better waste of life.”
“It’s more difficult than just forgetting about it and moving on, Trax. Regardless how it happened, I was still with Cayl for over ten years. We have a daughter! It doesn’t matter how many times I leave them behind, I still feel like I have to be loyal to him.” Neither of them said the obvious question in words, but it was hidden in every word they spoke, underlying in their voices. A double entendre could be assumed, but she was too afraid to come out and say it any clearer than she already had. It made the situation too real, as if it wasn’t enough already.
His grip on her eyes tightened, his jaw visibly flexing before he asked her, not expecting an answer, just wanting to make the point.
“Even though you don’t love him?”
It worked. Arissa felt an uneven pang in her chest at his words, not knowing how to feel or what to think. She was exhausted and sleep was the only thing she would have welcomed, but she doubted she would get any rest tonight.
She didn’t answer him, couldn’t speak past the tension in her throat, but she didn’t need to because her hesitant expression was all the invitation he needed to begin advancing. His pace was almost threateningly slow, blue eyes drilling into her own so intently that she almost wanted to shy away. Her heart quickened a bit with each of his excruciatingly slow steps.
“I’ll tell you what I think,” he enunciated in his smooth, lilting voice. He stopped less than a pace from her, so close that Arissa had to look up at him to make up for their slight difference in height. His expression was so compassionate and buoyant that it scared her. If she had her voice, she would have tried to stop him.
“Screw Cayl.”
She felt another wave of surprise hit her, hearing her own strangled exclamation before she realized she had spoken. “W-what?”
“Screw him,” he spaced the words harshly. “He may be a good man, Arissa, but he’s not good for you. He wanted you to turn your back on all of this and made you feel guilty about everything you were doing. That’s not right, and you deserve better than that. You deserve someone who cares, who worries about you, but knows enough not to keep you from doing what you are meant to do. Someone who is able to overlook your past, but doesn’t want to because who you were is what made you into the woman you are now. You deserve somebody who can appreciate both the hero and the villain. Arissa, I can give that to you.”
The whole time he was speaking his profoundly heartbreaking words, she was shaking her head, willing him to stop, but he didn’t heed. She didn’t want to hear this. “Trax...” she began, her tone desperate.
As forceful as he had ever been to her, he cut her off. “No, don’t talk. Just listen to me, Arissa. You spent ten years with him, but if you didn’t love him, then what was it really like? You never opened yourself up to him, you told me so yourself that you never felt completely safe with him. He wasn’t willing to fight for his family or his country. Why would you still care for a man like that?”
“Because I was afraid!” she practically screamed, forgetting they were barely out of earshot of the rest of the camp. “I didn’t know what I had gotten into with the General and I was terrified that I had been set into a trap and one day I would wake up and see the trap had sprung. Why else would the General force me to marry Cayl, pretend I was in love with him? There had to be a reason, he always has a reason! I didn’t just stay with Cayl because of the threat, I stayed with him because it was familiar. It was the only constant thing I had in my life and I grew more attached to that feeling of stability more than I was to Cayl. I care for him deeply, but he’s changed, too. It’s clear we no longer see things the way we used to, but with everything that’s happened or is about to happen...I can’t be worrying about a fake relationship.”
Tears had burst anew in her eyes and this time, she didn’t even try to hold back the wracking sobs and shattering cracks in her voice. “I didn’t want to hurt him, but I didn’t know what else to do! All I want is my daughter and now I can’t ever have her back. You called me a hero, Trax, but I’m not. Everyone is depending on me now to fight the General and I don’t even know what I’m doing! I can’t do this! I just want to feel safe for once.”
Her words weren’t even audible anymore, she was sobbing so ridiculously hard. She buried her face in her hands, hair tangling in her fingers as she felt her knees beginning to weaken. This was it. Finally, everything that had been weighing on her, torturing her for so many years had broken the heavy wall keeping the emotions away and now she was drowning in them. She wanted it to end, somehow, just stop. All she wanted was for something to chase away all the horrible memories and emotions and the unbearable guilt and heartache so she could breathe.
At least one wish was answered. In the next moment, she felt herself being pulled into Trax’s arms as he rushed forward to support her, all qualms of personal space obliterated. For the first time, she didn’t fight him and he didn’t question her.
The strength of his arms held her tight against his chest as she sobbed, her shoulders heaving dramatically as her tears fell onto his leather vest, quickly slipping down the smooth material. He whispered hushed, soothing words to her, holding her protectively close to her with one arm, threading his other hand into her hair and rested at the back of her neck as she relaxed her head against his chest.
Arissa actually reached out and pulled him even closer to her. His strength and warmth was the only comfort she had known lately and now, with both of them stripped bare of their defences, it was only amplified. He was the only person who had ever seen her cry, the only one who had given her this sense of safety regardless of the list of threats hanging over them. Only moments ago, Trax had basically confessed how deeply his hidden feelings for her ran, nearly as desperate as she was for something solid to cling to amongst the destruction around them. Even now, when all she had to focus on was how securely he held her, the exact tone of his voice, and each quiver in his muscles around her, Arissa didn’t even care what happened tomorrow. Right now, she felt whole for the first time in her life.
Her crying had eased since he had taken her into his embrace, but he never relaxed his grip, as if afraid to let go of her for fear that she may retreat again. Somehow, he moved slowly and gently and in the next instant, they were both sitting on the ground next to the fire that was only aflame enough to reflect onto their skin.
Arissa’s knees were drawn up and she didn’t even hesitate to heed the natural instinct to lean even deeper into Trax’s hold, settling against his side. She relished the moment, instead of drawing back like she would have expected. Another few moments of his gentle voice and the rhythmic stroking on the back of her shoulder and her total breakdown had all but eased away. The only traces left were the wet paths down her cheeks, which Trax gently swiped away, taking an extra moment to let his fingertips linger against her skin. She welcomed the warm sparks that shot through her.
His next words would have made her roll her eyes a day ago, now it should have made her smile, but her energy was completely drained and she was too exhausted and suddenly comfortable to react, but she acknowledged the spark of hope t
hat rose in her. “Just in case you decide to go back to hating me after you’ve had time to process all of this, I just want you to know that I meant everything I said with the most utmost sincerity I have ever possessed. You have my word that I will do everything within my grasp to keep you safe. Everything you told me will be kept in confidence, of course.”
Arissa was sure that in the morning she would be cursing herself for indulging so many of her dark secrets to him. She wasn’t even sure why she had felt the need to in the first place, and she voiced her thought, sounding annoyed , sad and exhausted all at the same time.
“Why am I even telling you all of this?”
Trax adjusted his grip on her, bringing her even closer and refusing to let up. He tucked her head against his chest, resting his chin in her hair before answering.
“Because, love, whether you like it or not...” he paused, his words trailed as his hand did the same down the length of her arm, deftly catching her hand in his own, weaving their fingers together. They were both surprised and relieved, when she returned the gesture. Somewhat uneasy, he added on, quietly, “I’m all you’ve got.”
Chapter Nineteen
The night passed completely dreamless for Arissa. She had been dreading the nightmares that would likely plague her the moment her eyes closed, but from the moment she fell asleep in Trax’s embrace until she opened her eyes in nearly the exact same position, her sleep was completely peaceful. She couldn’t remember the last time she had awoken with a smile, but it made her feel encouraged before she even opened her eyes or heard Trax utter a morning greeting in his gravelled accent.
Her morning bliss didn’t last long, however. Only moments after they had rejoined the other men, while ignoring the curious looks they exchanged between them, Raze had erupted into distraught whinnies, followed by a gunshot echo close beside them.
They were all on horseback and galloping through the woods in the direction of their base camp before Arissa caught sight of their pursuers. Seven men of the General’s army, all armed and intent on running them down, luckily they had given away their position by firing too early.
No one even had the chance to speak until they had gained enough ground on the advancing group to give the horses a moment’s rest. Arissa and Trax were exchanging words quickly, completely ignoring the other men and their worried questions.
“No, Trax!” Arissa exclaimed, struggling to calm Raze for a moment. They were stopped directly next to Trax’s stallion and the second horse’s panic was setting off all the other horses in the group. “We came this far, we are this close to the General! We’re not turning back!”
“We have to, Arissa, we’ve lost our advantage!” he shot back, just as anxious and worried. The sound of galloping horses could be heard approaching fast, but she still felt torn. Her hatred for the General, the drive to kill him was making her want to evade the men that would soon be upon them. Seven men with rifles would be hard to take on, with only blades and a single bow among themselves. Challenging them would be stupid, she knew, but her inner warrior couldn’t let them just get away.
Arissa chewed on her lower lip nervously, ignoring the hesitant input from Ramsay, the man who had been hit the day before. Her eyes were focused on Trax, hoping that his urging expression would inspire an idea to occur to her. When the man spoke, Trax shot a hot look to him, silencing his useless contribution. Most members of the General’s army were apparently more worthless than even Arissa had thought.
Suddenly, an idea did spring to mind, and she didn’t even give herself time to examine it. It was their only option.
“Follow me!” she yelled over the whinnying horses to Trax, just as a new gunshot cracked through the early morning stillness, echoing between the trees for probably miles.
Raze’s fast gallops churned up the soil beneath his hooves at a frightening pace. Even though the air was completely calm, the wind whipping in her face stung her eyes and caused tendrils of her black hair to whip around her face. Only bits of early sunlight were washing between the trees, casting shadows over everything. Still, Raze had no problem manoeuvring the forest. Several times, Arissa had to glance behind her to make sure the others were keeping up.
Arissa hadn’t realized they were so close to their hidden encampment in the valley. When she had left Trax to go to Daer, they had been half a day’s journey away, but with their unexpected relocation, it must have brought them part of the way back. She recognized these woods, though they were not as well travelled as other parts of the land that she knew. It was only occurring to her now how disturbingly close to their main camp the General was.
Not bothering to stop again to ensure they were still being followed, Arissa urged her stallion on, aiming for a second path that was parallel to the camp. She had been hunted enough times to recognize the eerie urgency rushing up her back and the alert posture of her horse that told her she was still being followed. Raze was just as good at spotting patrollers and pursuers as Arissa was.
Soon, when she was just beginning to slow the horse at her desired destination, her heart leapt into her throat when another large group of men suddenly appeared on the trail before them around the last bend of the trail. She roughly jerked Raze to a halt, narrowly missing the first man who seemed to be leading the other ten. They were all armed, moving quickly on foot, but when Arissa and the others came into view, they all stopped and appeared just as surprised as she was.
Her first instinct was defensive. She had already reached behind her to draw the long, curved blade from the strap across her back, holding it out instinctively. Immediately, something felt wrong, though. None of the other men were brandishing their weapons as if to attack, but they were still holding them completely nonthreatening. Another moment and she noticed that she actually recognized the weapons they held. Paranoia rose instantly in her and she held her weapon even more securely as she locked eyes with the first brunette man who seemed to be the leader.
“Arissa, stop!” Trax’s quick voice shouted up to her from a short distance behind.
Confused, Arissa dared take her eyes from those staring back at her to see Trax holding his horse back from breaking into a startled bolt as he slowed between her and the men on foot, holding his hand out up to her with a warning expression in his eyes. “It’s okay. This is Travis Sayer, the new Captain from the General’s army.”
The Captain. She hadn’t even met him before she had taken off in search of the General the first time. He was not as she had expected, although in her mind, the Captain was still the deceased criminal who she had begrudgingly worked with for years in the IT. He had met his well-deserved end in the Varkland Mountains when Arissa had finally tracked down Cayl after the kidnapping. Ironically, it had been Trax who had pulled the trigger, before they had even met.
This man lacked the superior, patronizing aura that Captain Lovett had always possessed, appearing just as normal as any of the other men behind him in both facial features and dress. He looked barely older than herself, his eyes narrowed slightly as he shifted his attention between Arissa and Trax. She knew he and Trax were well acquainted, and by the way he was eyeing him, it looked like the Captain was expecting some type of explanation, but offered one instead.
“Something very serious has happened at the camp. Arissa, you need to come back now,” he informed, not bothering with introductions of any sort.
“What’s happened?” she questioned immediately, alarm shooting up in her voice.
“For security reasons, I feel as I should not disclose any information here. I can assure you it’s vital.”
Understanding, she nodded and gave neither of them a chance to speak any further, especially after the sound of advancing horses began welling up through the forest again. Her voice rose harshly, shouting loud enough for everyone in their emergent group to understand. “These soldiers are not going to go away. They cannot find our camp, that is the only thing we care about right now! I’ll go ahead and secure the camp and warn the guar
ds. If they do get that far, I have to make sure that none are able to escape.”
Motioning quickly to the men on the ground, she added on, her voice slightly hoarse, “You will all go this way and lead the soldiers through the outskirts at the back of the valley. Don’t be afraid to kill and do exactly what Trax and the Captain order. Understood?”
They all answered back in agreement, immediately taking off ahead of them, disappearing on both horse and foot into the small, second trail that wound around the back of the camp, only a few miles away from the actual settlement. Arissa caught the Captain’s approving glance before he nodded once to her and disappeared with the rest of the men. The only one that remained was Trax, both still on their mounts.
His pleading eyes gave away his apprehension. “Arissa...” he began, before she jumped in quicker.
“There are gas pits not far from here in that direction,” she informed, indicating to where all the men had just vanished. “I don’t care how many men we have to lose, you just make sure that none of the soldiers make it out of there alive. If they find our camp, we’re all screwed, Trax.”
She knew that he agreed, probably having guessed her plan miles before they even arrived here, but there was hesitation in his eyes.
“Arissa, are you sure? I don’t know how many of our own men I can protect in there. There’s no going back from murder.”
At his last words, she understood his indecision. After everything they had disclosed and confided to each other last night, he now knew her just as well, perhaps better, than she even knew herself. He wanted to give her the option to be better than she had been in the past, a chance to be more hero than villain, as he had put it earlier. The gesture would have been overwhelming if there had not been seven murderous soldiers about to emerge into sight at any moment.