Behind the Mask

by J. L. Ostle

  God, I need help.

  I do the test check, hearing my voice echo around.

  “Sing something,” Naomi shouts out, smiling at me. “You know you want to.”

  I bite my lip before temptation pushes me over the edge.

  I decide to sing Pink’s “Try.” I find that song is so moving. I have learned the guitar version, I know the words by heart, and I also know the dance moves from the music video. In college I did dance. I wanted my soul, life, and body to be about music. Mom and Dad always said I was born to shine, that music is in my heart.

  Singing along to the words, images of my parents enter my head. Seeing them smile at me, cheering me on. Tell me they will always be my number one cheerleaders. A few tears fall down my cheek.

  I miss them so much.

  The song comes to an end and I keep hold of the microphone, not wanting to let go. I take a few deep breaths and when I turn the whole crew is standing there watching me, their eyes never leaving me. Soon they scream out in cheer, them all running to me, telling me how good it was.

  “Yes, she was amazing, let the girl breathe.” Naomi pretends to sweep the people away.

  “Little star, when’re you going to get famous and hire me?” Travis winks at me before getting back to work.

  “Girl, God, you get better—”

  Naomi gets interrupted. “What’s going on?” I hear Tegan yelling as she walks down the isle, heading to the stage, with the rest of the guys behind her. They normally walk through the back. Why are they entering from the front?

  “Nothing,” Naomi answers her. “Testing the instruments are working okay.” She shrugs. Tegan looks at her, but Naomi gives nothing away.

  “Blair,” Travis shouts. He would never say my nickname in front of Tegan. I walk over to him and he is holding a brown bag. “The tequila,” he whispers.

  “Thank you,” I whisper back and without saying another word I leave Naomi and Tegan to it.

  Heading to the changing room, I put the tequila on the dressing table with a few shot glasses by it. I check the salt to make sure it comes out okay. Cutting the slices of lime, I smile when I see it all set out.

  I take a step back, admiring my handiwork when I bang into someone. I turn my head to see Nate, his front pressed against my back, his hands on my waist. My heartbeat has picked up. I can’t tell if I’m breathing faster, or if I’m hardly breathing at all.

  I look in the mirror and his eyes are watching me through the reflection. His hands don’t leave me. His eyes intensely on mine, like he is trying to figure me out. His fingers dig in a little and a gasp escapes me.

  By that simple sound I made, it’s like it knocks him out of whatever trance he was in. He lets me go, shaking his head. He grabs a shot glass and pours the tequila, downing it without the salt or lime.

  “Want one?” he asks me, his eyes looking at me, but they have gone emotionless.

  “No, thank you.” He shrugs and takes another one.

  “You shouldn’t drink that much. You need to rehearse a couple of songs before the concert,” I tell him in a shaky voice.

  “I know I shouldn’t, but when I do, it gives me a chance—” He stops.

  “A chance for what?” I take a step forward. I want to know what he was going to say.

  “It doesn’t matter. You wouldn’t understand.” This time he drinks from the bottle.

  I sigh, heading to the door when I hear him standing up. I feel him right behind me. I turn around and he is looking down at me.

  “Were you in my room earlier?”

  I swallow.

  “I was dropping off your food and man perfume,” I say weakly.

  “Man perfume.” He chuckles. First time I have seen him smile in such a long time.

  “Was that it, you dropped it off and went?” He takes a step forward, making him closer to me. Should I say I watched him? What would he do if I did? Would he kiss me? Fuck me right here, thinking it’s a turn on? I want to say it, but I can’t.

  “Yes, I didn’t see you, so I left it on your desk then went.” I bite my lip and his eyes pierce into mine. None of us says a word for what feels like forever.

  “Shame,” he says, walking away, sitting down on the couch that is opposite the door. I watch as he takes another sip from the bottle before leaving. I lean against the door, my head spinning.

  Did he know I was lying?

  Was he drinking even then? That’s why he’s unsure if it was me.

  I grab a seat, taking it to the front of the stage. Naomi soon joins me. I want to tell her what happened. I keep looking at her, opening my mouth about to spill everything when I decide not to. Shaking my head, I look forward once again, but then I change my mind and face her again.

  My mouth turns into a fish, opening and closing.

  “If you don’t spill, I am going to staple your mouth shut. You have been bugging me for the last ten minutes.” She turns, smiling at me.

  “Nate—” I begin, but she interrupts me.

  “What’s he done now?” She moves her body so she is fully facing me.

  “I was sorting out his tequila as normal and then he showed up out of nowhere behind me. His hands were on my waist holding me…” I suck in some air.

  “And…”

  “He then asked me if I was in his room earlier.”

  She comes in closer. “Holy shit did you tell him. Did you say you saw him rub one off?”

  “I told him I just dropped off his stuff and left.” I watch as her body slumps in disappointment.

  “Thought you were going to say something juicy. You got your panties in a twist over that?”

  “He did say what a shame before walking away from me,” I add in.

  “Now that’s interesting. Maybe he was hoping you were watching him and wanted to fuck you, make your head spin.” She pretends to fan herself. “I really should write this shit down.”

  The concert is about to begin. Naomi and I are standing at the west wing. I have my clipboard in my hand with everything ticked off. Everything is pitch-black on this side apart from a few low lighting. I look at my phone, seeing it’s time for the band to get on stage.

  “Sam, are you ready?” I whisper to him and he nods, walking to his drum kit that I help guide him with my phone. When I see him sitting, I walk to Tegan. “Have fun,” I tell her and even though I can hardly see her, I know she rolled her eyes at me. She walks along the stage, placing the guitar strap on her shoulder. “Troy, go get ’em.” I clap his shoulders and he messes up my hair before heading to his spot.

  “He touched you, you lucky bitch,” Naomi whispers in my ear.

  “Yeah, you can give him the pep talk next time.” I glide my fingers through my hair. I turn to get Nate, but he isn’t standing where he should be. I know he was just here.

  Dammit.

  I walk away from the stage area to try and find him and I see him not that far away pacing. Oh, please don’t have doubts now. Nate is one of the most famous rockstars out there, but he still gets nerves, even after all these years.

  In my eyes, it makes him more human.

  “Nate, you need to head on stage,” I tell him. It’s like he doesn’t hear me. He continues to pace. I look at the time on my phone and I know the crowd will go crazy if he doesn’t play soon. I walk in his path, making him have no choice but to stop. He looks up at me and his eyes look so sad and bloodshot. “Nate, you got this. You always have this.” I try and reassure him.

  “Why do I keep feeling like this?” he says in a weak voice.

  “Feeling like what?” I know I shouldn’t, but I take hold of his hand. I try and ignore the electric sensation running up my arm.

  “Alone.” I barely hear him say. “I just wish… I… she…” He keeps tripping over his words, but once I hear the word she it is like a punch to the chest.

  He’s upset over a girl.

  “You are never alone. We are your family. Let’s go play, play to those who believe in you.” I must have sai
d something right as he nods and we start heading to the stage area. One thing I do notice is that he keeps hold of my hand until we reach the stage and he stands in his spot, the center of the stage.

  “What was that about?” Naomi asks me as spotlights hit each member of the band.

  “He got stage fright again.” Looking at him now, talking to the audience, smiling at them, you wouldn’t think he had.

  “You think he would be used to all this by now.”

  “You can’t help how you feel. He also said something interesting,” I say sadly.

  “What’s that?”

  “He mentioned a girl. Think he is hurting over a girl.” Saying it out loud is a kick in the teeth.

  “I’m sorry, honey. You think we would have known if there was a girl. He kept that very well hidden.” She pulls me to her side, giving me a sideways hug.

  I watch as the band plays another amazing show. I can feel the excitement, the adrenaline run through me by the crowd and I’m not even playing. The fans’ energy just shoots right through you like a drug.

  It is the last song of the night. This is my favorite part. The crowd quiets as the place turns into darkness. Nate always sings a cover song, a song that touches your soul.

  His voice captivates you.

  I hold my breath, waiting to hear him sing when the first words leave him, I know I can’t look away, even if I wanted to. He sings “Apologize” by One Republic. The whole place is quiet apart from him and the instruments following his lead.

  There is only a single light in the whole room and that is on him.

  His voice is haunting. I can see the sadness and hurt written all over his face. I just want to run out there and hold him, tell him everything is going to be okay. I wonder if it’s the girl that has damaged him.

  “Shit, the boy can sing,” Naomi says, transfixed on him also.

  All I can do is nod. I am holding my hands against my chest, my heart screaming out to him. Like he can hear it, his head turns facing me. He can hardly see me as I’m hidden in the darkness, but he looks for me, then looks away, to the ground, as he finishes the song.

  The light goes out and the crowd screams in awe. My eyes are still on him, watching him. He doesn’t move. He stays rooted to the spot until Troy comes up behind him, clapping his back. They all start to walk off the stage.

  No final words.

  No goodbyes to the crowd, but they love them.

  Well, more like they love him.

  Naomi and I walk behind them, with Rich and Gav walking right behind us. Tegan tells everyone she is going for a shower and walks off and I look at Nate and he watches her go for a second before looking away, heading to the meet and greet room.

  What if the girl who has hurt him is my sister?

  Makes sense. She is gorgeous. They do make a cute couple. But it would mean that she has slept with him, he has been inside her. I shake my head, getting rid of the disgusting images. I don’t want to be seeing my older sister sleeping with the guy I crush on.

  “You are making weird faces,” Naomi whispers as we stand in the far corner of the room. Great, now I look like I’m having facial spasms. “What’s up?”

  “I think the girl is my sister,” I say, defeated.

  “What makes you think that? She’s a bitch. I know she’s your sister, but she is. You think if the hottest guy in the world was fucking you, you would be happier.” We both look at Nate and like he can sense us looking at him, he turns looking at us both. Naomi and I badly try and look elsewhere, but I know that failed badly.

  “Can we be any more obvious?” I whisper-shout at her.

  “He’s probably used to girls looking at him.” She shrugs.

  “I don’t want him to think we do, though.” I place my face in my hands. “I can’t wait for this day to be over. I need sleep, big time.” I yawn.

  “Tell me about it. I need to sleep so I can dream about Troy doing very bad things to me.” She looks at Troy, who is stretching. In doing so his shirt lifts, exposing his toned abs. “Holy fuck, I swear I just clit orgasmed.”

  “Clit orgasmed?” I chuckle.

  “You know where your clit does that pulse thing, like a clit contraction.”

  I look at her like she’s mad.

  “I have never had a clit orgasm.” I thought there was only one type of orgasm. I haven’t even had a normal one. I’m no virgin. I’ve been with two guys, but unfortunately, they never gave me the big O.

  I have toys but nothing.

  Maybe my vagina is broken.

  Would explain a lot.

  “Oh, girl, it’s an intense feeling. It makes you want a dick inside you so badly after, it sometimes wakes me up when I have a sex dream. My clit just goes…” She opens and closes her hand like it’s pulsing quickly. “Have you got a bullet? A bullet, it’s a sex toy,” she explains.

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Get one. It’s for clit stimulation. Put it on the highest setting and press it against your clit until you feel a good sensation and keep it there until your clit pulses. Trust me, you know when it will happen.” She winks at me.

  No harm in trying it out.

  “Okay, will order myself one. I better get a very good clit stimulation.” I chuckle, walking backward to go grab a couple of bottled water when my back hits what feels like a wall. When their hands hold on to my waist, I know who it is without having to look.

  God, if you love me, open a hole for me to jump into. I plead.

  I feel myself burning up. Why did I have to say that out loud?

  “You looking for some stimulation?” Nate whispers in my ear, causing my body to shiver. His fingers dig a little harder into my sides.

  “We were just goofing around,” I say, embarrassed. I look at Naomi and her eyes are as big as saucers watching us.

  “You should be careful who hears you.” He pulls me closer to him. “Don’t know what effect it may have on someone.” He lets me go. I turn and he is already walking away from me.

  “Holy fuck, that was fucking hot. I mean, porn hot. I had to stop myself from doing anything as it was that steamy.” She fans herself. “Shit, girl, no wonder you can never move on when he does shit like this.”

  “Yeah, when he has a drink in him, but he has never been like this.” I look at him and he is taking a swig from a bottle of tequila. “He did it in front of you, a few feet away from the band. It’s so unlike him.”

  “Maybe he’s doing it to rub it in your sister’s face? What better revenge than to screw the little sister?”

  “You know what to say, don’t you?” I say sullenly.

  “Sorry. It might not be. You know how I can be a drama queen.” I open my mouth to say something else when I hear screams at the door, a few fans running in, heading toward the band. After a minute Tegan walks in.

  I look at Nate to see if he noticed Tegan walk in, but there are two blondes pressed up against him, fluttering their eyelashes, flipping their hair. They look flawless. His eyes are on them, smiling seductively.

  I cross my arms, watching them, and when Troy has his tongue down some redhead’s throat, I see Naomi looking disappointed. At least I’m not the only one.

  “You girls not having fun?” Rich says sarcastically, his eyes on the band.

  “Yeah, tons,” Naomi replies.

  “When’re we hitting the club? I just want to hurry and get to my bed.” I pout. Rich looks at me, smiling sweetly.

  “Is that an invitation?” He winks at me before looking back at the band.

  “You are so bad.” I hit his arm.

  “I know. I’ve been told that many times.” I burst out laughing.

  “Well, as you two flirt the place up, I’m going to get some fresh air,” Naomi says angrily. I turn to see Troy in a corner of the room kissing the same girl, but his hand is obviously under the girl’s skirt.

  “Let’s go,” I tell her, grabbing hold of her hand. “They better get in the limo in ten minutes or I’m taking it.” I
point my finger at Rich.

  “Be careful where you stick that thing,” Gav says. I stick my tongue out at him. We head to the door and before leaving I turn around. Nate is watching me. The two girls’ bodies are pressed against him on either side. He is looking at me as he takes another swig of his drink.

  I then walk away.

  Once the fresh air hits me, I take a few steps out in the open space with my arms out, my head falling back. “This is what I needed.”

  I look at Naomi and she is leaning against the wall.

  “Are you okay?” I stand next to her.

  “I’m good. I just had to get away.”

  I place my head on her shoulder. “I know. Men suck.”

  “They really do.” We chuckle.

  “Let’s go sit up front in the limo with Max. We don’t want to catch any slut cooties,” I joke. I grab hold of her arm, dragging her toward the limo. I open the passenger door, taking a seat, startling Max. “Sorry, Max.”

  “What you girls sitting up here?”

  “We don’t want to catch any diseases,” Naomi says.

  “The band are enjoying some perks of being rock stars.”

  He nods in understanding.

  “Is it okay if we sit here?”

  “Of course.” He smiles. “Don’t want you to be catching any diseases.” We all chuckle.

  We sit here for ten minutes talking and laughing until the back doors of the venue open, the band and a few of the fans stumbling out. Max steps out, being the perfect chauffeur. Naomi and I look through the window gap, watching them all settle in.

  Nate looks up when he sits down, surprised to see me. The blondes he was with climb in, kissing his neck. I give them a disgusted look before facing forward, putting up the tinted screen. I wouldn’t be surprised if they have an orgy in the back.

  “Let’s get going,” Max says, putting the limo in gear. I watch the black car behind us with Rich and Gav on our tail.

  Once we reach the club, Max climbs out, opening the door. Cameras, fans, reporters all step forward, wanting to get closer. The guys sign a few autographs, Troy answering a few questions. Tegan just walks right into the club. The fans who came with us straddle up next to the guys, enjoying their five minutes of fame.