Behind the Mask

by J. L. Ostle

  I stand there, not moving. She is going to be around. I look back at Nate and he is looking at the ground.

  “Fuck no,” Tegan says, walking toward her. “I don’t fucking think so. I’d rather eat shit than let you join us.”

  Christal just rolls her eyes.

  “Always the dramatics.” She spots me and smiles sweetly at me. “Oh, look, it’s your little sister. Still treating her like shit beneath your shoe?”

  Tegan gives me a guilty look.

  “Hey, Blair, if you want to come work for me I can make it worth your while. The offer still stands.” She winks at me.

  “What is she talking about?” Tegan asks me.

  It was a year ago. She invited me to be her personal assistant, saying she would treat me better than my own sister, but I turned her down. I wanted to stay with my family.

  “Didn’t she tell you? I offered her a job, but she said no. That family came first. But I am sure there was another reason.” She looks at Nate before giving me a wink and that must knock Nate back into his senses.

  “Why would you offer her a job?” Nate asks her, coming back to my side, taking hold of my hand, surprising her.

  “I had my reasons, still do. So you are with her?” She stands in front of me, looking me up and down. “So you are the girl behind the mask. Did Nate finally figure out that you were his so-called muse?” She laughs.

  “You knew?” Nate asks.

  “Of course I did. When you were drunk you used to go on about the girl who only appears when you’re intoxicated. You used to describe her to a T, then I remember one night where she helped you to bed and sang you to sleep because you were upset over something and needed to be calmed down and I heard you telling her to never leave you, that you needed her. But the following day you would act like Blair was nothing to you, so I had an idea who you were mooning over, but it was fun being with you and witnessing you fucking me and other women as the one girl you truly wanted was right under your own nose, watching you be with other people. Ironic really.”

  “You are such a bitch,” Naomi spews at her.

  “I’m just honest. Not my fault Nate is an idiot. But an idiot who is good in pleasing a woman, aren’t I right, sweet Blair?” She winks at me. I look away from her. “This is going to be fun. Will see you inside.” She walks into the venue.

  “I am so sorry, Blair,” Nate says once she is gone. He takes hold of my hand, but I pull it away. He didn’t even pull back when she kissed him.

  That just hurt.

  “I’m going to go have a shower.” Is all I say when I head back to the bus.

  “Blair,” Nate shouts.

  “If a guy kissed me and I just let it happen, would you be okay with that?” I ask him, and he just looks at me. “Thought so.” I head back on the bus. Once I’m in the bathroom locking the door, I put the water on as hot as I can get it before I get in, sitting on the floor, hugging my legs into me, letting the water fall on me.

  Nate was a mess after Christal. I know now he is thinking about her. How could he not?

  I am standing on the left wing of the stage while I watch Christal sing out to the crowd. They love her. She is wearing a short black skirt with a ripped white T-shirt that allows you to see her black bra. She just screams rock star.

  She screams sex.

  Once her set is over I watch her head toward Nate, who was watching on the other side. I see her body pressed up against him as she talks to him. I don’t think they know I’m here. She says nothing to him. His head is turned a little, looking at her. She kisses him on the cheek before walking away.

  He stands there for a moment before he walks away also.

  I sigh, knowing that I have lost.

  It’s our first bump on the road and we’ve already crashed and burned.

  I head to the changing rooms, putting on my mask, looking in the mirror before heading out. I walk to the guys’ changing rooms, knocking on the door, and when I hear them call me in, I see Sam and Troy but no Nate.

  “Have you seen Nate?”

  They shake their heads.

  “I haven’t. Can you go find him? We go up in five minutes,” Sam asks me.

  “I guess so.” I huff jokingly.

  I head out, asking the roadies if they have seen him, but no one has. My gut is screaming out at me that something is going on. When I spot Rich and Gav they look at me then to each other. I can tell something is wrong. They are looking shifty.

  “Where’s Nate?” I say in a stern tone.

  “I’m sure he will be here in a minute,” Gav says sheepishly.

  “Do you want to sing a little something for me?” Rich smiles at me, but I know it’s forced.

  “You two suck at this. You know where he is, don’t you?”

  They look at one another.

  “Just nod if you do.” I turn to Rich and Gav, but they just look at me, unmoving. “I know you care about me. Please, I need to know.”

  Gav looks at a closed door behind me. It was an obvious movement. I head that way.

  “Blair, wait,” Rich calls out, but that makes me move faster, running to the door, opening it up to see Nate snorting up a line of something off Christal’s neck. My eyes fill up with tears.

  Why am I even crying? I knew this would happen.

  I guess it is the fact it wasn’t that long ago when his fingers were inside me.

  “What the hell?” I shout at him and he stands facing me, wiping his nose.

  “Blair—”

  I put up my hands, stopping him.

  “Drugs? Really?” I turn to see Gav and Rich standing behind me. “Did you know he did drugs?” They look surprised also. They just stand there quietly.

  “I haven’t touched the stuff in a year,” he says in a mumbled voice, sniffing.

  “What, so you thought you earned yourself a reward?” I then look at Christal. “I hope you’re proud of yourself.”

  She just shrugs.

  “You want him? You can have him.” I walk away, heading to the stage. Different emotions flow through me.

  I hear him screaming out my name, but I ignore it.

  Fuck him.

  Just thinking about how happy we were just a few short hours ago and now he is snorting up coke or whatever drug it is. I always had Nate on a pedestal in my eyes. I knew he slept with other girls, but no matter what he did I always still wanted him, but now, I’m seeing him in a light I don’t like.

  I’m seeing him in a different light where he will shit all over me.

  I spot Tegan and Naomi and I storm up to them. “Nate just took drugs thanks to our new friend,” I say and they both turn to me.

  “He did what?” Tegan shouts.

  “Just caught him snorting from Christal’s neck.” My body is shaking in anger.

  “That girl is such a bad influence on him. I’m going to kill Jeffery. Are you okay?”

  I shake my head.

  “Do you think Jeffery did it for promotion purposes? Get her in and make it look that Nate has to choose?”

  At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised.

  “She can have him. I’m not being with a guy who is into drugs, no matter how good he is in pleasuring me sexually. Fuck that shit. I should have stuck to my guns and not have let Nate in. I was thinking with my pussy and not my head. It stops now. We are over.” I cross my arms.

  “I did one line and that’s it? No second chances?” I hear Nate say behind me, Christal at his side. I see her wiping her nose.

  “I gave you chances. You snuck behind my back to your ex-girlfriend, snorting off her. What, you couldn’t use the table?” How many times am I going to say snorting?

  “It’s no big deal.”

  I look at him like he’s crazy.

  “What’s no big deal?” Sam asks, joining us.

  “Nothing,” Nate says.

  “He took some drugs,” I say at the same time.

  “What the fuck, man? You that stupid?” Troy says.

  “
You can talk. I’m not the one fucking Naomi behind everyone’s back just so you don’t upset Blair.” Nate looks at me apologetic. “Blair—” His eyes soften, but once again I stop him from talking. I look at Troy and my best friend.

  “Blair, I was going to tell you,” Naomi pleads with me. I wanted her to get with him, but she felt that she had to hold it back. I tell her everything. She couldn’t even tell me that she has got with the guy she was after?

  “Blair, it’s not her fault,” Troy adds in, standing at Naomi’s side.

  “I feel sick. Does anyone else have anything else to share as we are all opening up?” I open my arms wide.

  “I have feelings for you.”

  I turn to Rich, my mouth hanging open.

  What?

  “You have feelings for me?” I ask him.

  “I have for a very long time, but anyone can see that you loved Nate. I just thought you should know. I was just happy being your friend and looking after you.”

  I press my hand to my heart.

  “You fucking like Blair?” Nate shouts at him.

  “Yeah, I could see how amazing she is, and yet she wanted you, even though you don’t deserve her, and I think you still don’t. You are a player. You think with your dick.”

  Nate charges at him, holding his shirt.

  “You work for me,” Nate spits out.

  “I do work for you. Doesn’t make me think any differently.”

  They glare at one another.

  “Both of you stop it. My head hurts.” I start pacing.

  “Is everyone ready?” Travis runs over and he spots us and looks wary. “You need to start heading on stage.”

  I just need to do this show and block out everything else.

  “Fine,” I say to him. “Nate?”

  He walks toward me.

  “I’m not singing with or for you, ever again. You fell for my voice, and now I’m making sure you don’t hear it as long as I live.” I walk on stage, not letting him reply.

  I did the show. I played with what heart I had into it. Once the show was finished I showered, making sure I locked the door, and headed back to the bus. They can all go out and get drunk. I am going to sit and watch a movie on my iPad.

  I told the guys I was getting a cab to drive around and I would join them later.

  I lied.

  I am lying on the couch watching Penelope, admiring James McAvoy.

  I must have fallen asleep when I hear my phone ringing, waking me, and I see Naomi’s name. I hit ignore even though she tries again. I am grabbing a can of Coke when I hear my phone going again, but this time I see it’s Sam, so I answer.

  “Don’t hang up,” Naomi says.

  “What are you doing using Sam’s phone?”

  “You wouldn’t answer me.” I huff. “I need you to get down here. Nate is in such a state. I think he used again, and Christal is pawing all over him.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “Deep down I know you do. Do you really want him to fuck her? Yeah, he’s a dick, but he’s a rock star. It’s his lifestyle. It’s what he’s been doing for years. Relationships are hard and he’s going to make mistakes, but come on, you love him. You may not think you do, but I know it. You wouldn’t be this angry, this adamant to stay away from him if you weren’t scared.”

  My eyes start to prickle with tears.

  “I told you, I don’t want to give him my heart. Christal has only been here for a few hours and already he is hurting me.” I sniff.

  “You already gave him it, you need to fight. At least try.”

  I rub my forehead. “Fine, give me the address.”

  “Gav is waiting for you outside. I thought I should send him instead of Rich for obvious reasons.” She chuckles.

  “When did my life become so complicated?”

  “When you decided to fall for Nathanial Knight.” We hang up. I get dressed and jump in the car, heading to where the others are.

  “Fun night,” Gav jokes.

  “Yeah.” Is all I say, staying quiet until I reach the club, making sure my mask is in place. I get in with no trouble. I hear fans screaming my name, but I’m on a mission. When I spot Naomi, she runs to me with a worried look.

  “I lost him,” she says.

  “You lost him? How can you lose him?” I pause. “Right, okay, we spread out. Tell the others to do the same.” I head to the toilets, even heading in the guys’, not caring. I go to the bar, asking the bartenders. I know I shouldn’t be talking but fuck the rules.

  No one has seen him.

  Fuck.

  I am heading back to where Gav and Rich are when I hear a few girls giggling saying they saw Christal and Nate head out back. I start running in that direction. I send Naomi a quick text and I walk out through the exit door that leads to an alleyway. I look around but nothing.

  I’m about to head back in when I hear moaning. I close my eyes, and my body freezes.

  It’s too late.

  I walk slowly in the direction of the sound and a few feet away I see Nate fucking Christal, her skirt pushed up to her waist, his jeans down to his ankles, thrusting inside her. She must sense me as she looks up and smirks, not stopping him.

  I just stand there until the guys come out, standing at my side.

  “You asshole,” Tegan screeches, running toward them, pulling Nate off her, then launching at Christal. I fall to the floor, my hand pressed against my chest. I feel like I’m dying. It hurts so much.

  I said I didn’t care.

  I prepared my heart that he would hurt me in the end but nothing prepared me to seeing the guy I wanted, who said I was his, being inside a girl he was addicted to.

  “Muse, don’t cry,” Nate says with hazy eyes. You can see that he’s high. “I missed my muse. You aren’t going to leave me again, are you?” He starts to crawl toward me, his jeans still wrapped around his ankles.

  “Fuck, man, tidy yourself up,” Sam says, sitting at my side. “Blair, look at me.”

  I can’t. I can’t move. My eyes are on Nate. It is like I can’t look away.

  “Shit, something is wrong with her.”

  “Blair, sweetie.” Naomi kneels down in front of me, but it’s like I can’t process anything. I can see them, but my body won’t cooperate. “Blair.” She shakes me. “Fuck.”

  I see flashes going off.

  “Shit, who called the fucking reporters?” I hear Sam’s voice behind me.

  “Blair, you need to stand up.”

  But I can’t.

  “Troy, I’m scared, she’s not moving.”

  “Blair.” Troy shakes me hard.

  “Don’t hurt her. Fuck, what do we do? This is so messed up,” Sam says in a panicked voice.

  “My muse. My beautiful muse.” Nate is in front of me, looking at me, stroking my face. “I missed you. Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave.” He starts begging, tears in his eyes. “I will stay here forever if it means I get to stay with you.” He places his head on my lap. “Always stay with me.”

  “How much did he use?” I hear Sam.

  It’s too much. I just hear Nate’s words going over and over in my head.

  Don’t leave me, never leave me. It’s on repeat. I feel my heart going faster until things start to get dizzy, then darkness slowly takes over.

  “Blair.” I hear Naomi. I want to answer her that something is wrong, but the words are caught in my throat. “Something is wrong. Call nine-one-one.”

  “My muse.” Is the last thing I hear before everything goes black.

  I wake up to my sister screaming at someone. I open my eyes to see Tegan pointing at Nate.

  “Look at you, you are still using. My sister is in the hospital because of you and you are still as high as a kite.”

  “I just want to make sure she’s okay,” Nate says, pulling his hair.

  “Tough. Once your dick entered that whore, you lost all rights to care. I warned you. I fucking warned you. A girl flutters her eyes for one second and you
run straight into her cunt,” Tegan shouts.

  “Tegan.” I groan.”

  She runs to my side, taking hold of my hand.

  “What happened?” My head is a little hazy.

  “Doctor said you had an anxiety attack. You are okay, just a little dehydrated. But you’re going to be okay.” Tears fall down her cheeks.

  “I’m sorry I worried you.”

  She chuckles. “You are in the hospital and you are still looking after me. Just don’t do that again, okay?”

  I nod.

  “Blair.” I hear Nate and I face him and see dark circles. I cringe when I see he is still wearing the same clothes that he was fucking Christal in.

  “Get out,” I tell him.

  “Blair, please,” he pleads with me, but I can see it in his eyes that he is on something.

  “Just leave me alone.”

  “You heard her, now get out or I will force you to get out.”

  He looks at me one more time before going.

  “Thank you,” I croak out.

  “The boy just lost the one good thing in his life. It’s his loss. You are able to come back home soon; the guys have decided to cancel the tour.”

  I sit up even though it feels like my body weighs a ton.

  “Don’t cancel. I’m okay.”

  “You need to rest.” She starts stroking my hair.

  “I will rest until tonight. I am fine.” Physically, I am. Emotionally, I’m drained.

  “If you’re sure.” She looks uncertain.

  “I am.” I give her a smile.

  “You could have told me she is awake.” Naomi walks in. “I swear, bitch, if you ever do that to me again, next time I will just slap you.”

  I chuckle. “Love you too.”

  She comes to my side and bursts into tears.

  “I am so sorry I didn’t tell you about Troy. I was going to. I just didn’t want to jinx it. I was afraid if I said the words out loud, Troy wouldn’t want me anymore. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You know I love you. But seeing you pass out, it was so scary and it made me realize that if anything ever happened, I wouldn’t be able to cope.”

  I take hold of her hand, squeezing it.

  “I get it. I was just angry about Nate and I was taking it out on you. I’m sorry.”

  She smiles at me.