by Amy Lilwall
She knew exactly where she was going… But should she really do that? Really? After all those things that she’d been thinking about… Now, when she tried to bring them up inside her head, her thoughts turned to falling feathers again. Pictures emerged: the big She-one eating with the silver stick and not being allowed to clap ‘yes’ and ‘no’. Trying to speak and, and, and just making her mouth into silent shapes. Not being able to get her own breakfast when she was hungry. What she was about to do now just seemed so… weird.
‘Spoon. Silenced. Dependence,’ said the inside of her head. That was the other littler. The littler that lived on the inside of her head and helped her to straighten out her thoughts. ‘Silenced,’ he insisted, then: ‘Independence.’ She was sure that he was a he, because sometimes she thought that she could see him, this old littler. She was sure that he was old.
Laughter came from the dining room and, at the same time, her feather-thoughts dropped into place. They were stopping her from clapping. They were stopping her from eating morsels with sticks. They were stopping her from using a spoon. So why did she need it from them now? Why did she still need it, knowing everything that she now knew?
‘Love,’ said the old littler. And as she rounded the doorway and they both looked down at her, she could see that they were happy to see her; especially the big She-one.
‘What ya doin’ there, kiddo?’
Bonbon unbuttoned her humcoat and let it fall on the floor. Why did she always ask questions that Bonbon couldn’t clap out the answer to? She walked under the table that separated the two biggerers; big bowl-shapes hung like dark clouds over her head as she looked up at them through the glass. It was good that the He-one was there. He was always a bit better than she was. He would let her walk about him and wouldn’t pick her up, or move her, or try to brush her hair. He preferred just to let her make herself comfortable somewhere on him – a knee, or a thigh, or his tummy – and when she’d found the best place to lie down, she would kick him to remind him of his job in all of this and he would start to stroke her back. Now, as she approached the long sleeping animal that was his shoe, she realized that she had control over him. Not just over him, but over herself when she was with him. She knew that she could leave as easily as she came and he wouldn’t try to pick flakes out of her hair or look inside her ears. Control, she thought as she tugged his trouser leg.
‘Respect,’ corrected the inside of her head.
Hmmm. Respect. That was a nice word… It had ‘pecked’ in it. It probably meant the opposite to being pecked… Where were these words coming from? A hand landed on the floor next to the sleeping shoe-animal and waited for her to sit in the middle of it. She did.
But how could there really be respecked if he let everything be the way it was? Late breakfasts and no spoons?
The hand travelled upwards so that it was level with a knee and waited for her to step onto a waiting lap. She did. She lay, belly down, on one of the legs, and when she was ready she kicked the waiting hand. A wave of fingers brushed the whole length of her back so that the nail was just grazing the skin and made her feel so shivery that her ears stopped hearing. She closed her eyes. As soon as she felt the littlest finger lift off her right buttock, the first finger landed on her left shoulder blade. Down it travelled, almost not touching her skin, before lifting off her left buttock so that the second finger could start the journey from the base of her neck down to the bit in her back where she was sure she could feel a little tail sometimes. It lifted off. The third finger continued the wave. She rested her head in front of her on her own folded arms and let her skin get tinglier and tinglier and her ears get deafer and deafer.
‘She loves that…’ said the faraway voice of the She-one. ‘Especially when you do it; you must have the “touch”.’
‘They both love it. Although, Jinx hasn’t come to me for a while…’
‘Oh!’ Susan let her chopstick-free hand flap next to her face. ‘I didn’t tell you! Jinx has a boyfriend!’
‘Oh really?’
‘Yes!’ mumbled a mouth full of food.
Lucky old Jinx, thought Bonbon, imagining that the fingers on her back were Chips’s hands. She imagined rolling over and looking up at his face. She scowled to herself; no, that would be weird. She allowed the face to change, and now it wasn’t Chips’s hands that brushed her back, but Jinx’s hair. She imagined Jinx lying down, so that all of her weight was on Bonbon; fronts of knees against backs of knees, toenails tickling soles of feet, a warm cheek against her own.
Susan’s mouth swallowed before continuing. ‘That time when I got up in the middle of the night, I found her in her basket with a boy.’
‘No!’
‘Yes!’
‘But where was this one?’ Bonbon felt the wave on her back stop for a second, before continuing.
‘In hospital,’ came the reply through another mouthful.
‘Oh, it was that night! She didn’t waste any time, did she?’
‘Nope.’
‘But they can’t… You know…’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘It really wouldn’t surprise me. After what you said about the clapping and the laughing.’
‘Oh, I’m positive that they can do a whole load of stuff that we don’t even know about.’
Bonbon’s eyes flew open. That was it! That was the problem! The biggerers didn’t know. They had no idea that the littlers… Well… That they… She jammed her eyes shut again. It was all so confusing because she didn’t even know what she had realized… ‘That we are human,’ said the old littler. Her eyes opened again. Really? Was that it? Were they… Were they exactly the same but little? She blinked. Somehow, she had known this all along and yet… And yet she had only just realized: why was that? She’d never thought about it because… Oh, this was difficult.
‘In fact,’ the big She-one went on, ‘and I know you love a nice conspiracy theory, but after seeing the way the shop assistant reacted yesterday when Bonbon clapped, it was almost like… How can I put it?’
It was all so difficult because… because… Bonbon scrunched her eyes shut. The old littler blew a bubble in her direction with an image of herself inside, sitting on the floor next to her breakfast, gazing up at the biggerer using a spoon.
Susan took a deep breath. ‘It was almost like a cover-up; does that make any sense? Like they can’t let them progress to a level of verbal communication not just because that doesn’t fit the role of “pet” but…’
Pet. Pet? What was ‘pet’, old littler? The mean grey cat walked to the front of Bonbon’s head and swiped its hand at her while hundreds of angora rabbits tumbled behind him. He picked up the Dead Bird in his mouth and stalked away…
‘But because, I think that they are worried about what they might say.’
‘I’m sure they’d start by asking for some clothes, a normal bed. Maybe a nice entrecôte and a glass of Saint-Émilion.’
And a spoon, thought Bonbon.
‘No, silly! I mean about everything they go through before they are adopted.’
The smell of tiles came back to her suddenly. A picture blew up in her head of a small space, filled with sleeping littlers and funny white bits on the floor that stuck to her feet. Chests moved up and down quickly as they breathed and the heat made her skin all sticky.
Hamish smirked. ‘It’s the same thing, Susan. As soon as they can verbally express facts about their lives, be it past or present—’
‘Then they have to be heard, yes, I know that, Hamish.’ She pushed her tongue into the pouch that her lip made in front of her lower teeth and slit her eyes at him. ‘What I’m saying is that what they know might be more powerful than what we know… Letting them speak could reveal top government secrets about alien landings and, and spies and…’
Hamish let his eyes almost close while lifting his eyebrows. ‘Oh dear… We have just reached what I call the Bonkers Point, Susan. The point at which – having listened to a patient present a very r
easonable little story – they let slip something that makes me stop and say: “Ah; you are actually bonkers, aren’t you?”’
‘No, but…’ Susan was laughing. ‘If you know nothing about something, then how can you actually know anything?’
‘Non-bonkers people actually know what to keep inside their heads—’
‘You weren’t there yesterday! You would’ve totally… Shit!’ She covered her mouth with her hand.
‘What?’
‘I never called round to see Mrs Lucas.’
‘Oh Susan… You’d better do it now. That poor lady.’
‘Do you think she’s found her?’
‘Don’t know. I hope so.’
‘Maybe she came home. I would have heard otherwise, wouldn’t I?’
‘—.’
‘Could I just phone her… Or?’
‘Why not? Good idea.’ The fingers stopped waving up and down Bonbon’s back. ‘I need that hand to finish my dinner now, Bonbon.’
Bonbon lifted her head. This was strange. Normally she could stay as long as she wanted. She got up and stepped onto the waiting hand. But then again, she didn’t usually get it in the dining room, and never while they were eating. That had to be the reason.
‘Yeah, I think I’ll call her. I did check the garden to see if her littler had got trapped somewhere or fallen over or something.’
‘Well, you’ll have to tell Mrs Lucas that. She’s probably too polite to call us and is just sitting at home alone…’
‘Oh Hamish, don’t!’
The hand travelled down towards the sleeping shoe.
‘Waiting for her little… What’s her name again?’
‘Blankey.’
Still sitting in the middle of the hand, Bonbon looked back through the glass table. Blankey?
‘Waiting for her little Blankey to come back. Worried sick about where she could be…’
Blankey was missing? Jumping up so that she was now standing on the hand, Bonbon clapped twice. Four eyes looked through the table towards her.
‘That means “no”,’ said Susan.
Hamish raised his eyebrows. ‘Wow! That’s actually quite strange when you see it for the first time.’
‘Didn’t you want to get down?’
No! She didn’t! Bonbon clapped twice again. She needed to know what had happened to Blankey!
‘She doesn’t want to go. Do you think she’d like a piece of brie?’
‘No, Hamish! She’s not allowed.’
‘Why on Earth not?’
Susan thought for a moment. ‘I don’t know… It would make her ill, wouldn’t it?’
‘I don’t know. I guess, if she’s never had it before… Sorry, Bonbon,’ said Hamish. ‘I want to finish my dinner. And I can’t give you any of it.’ Bonbon huffed noiselessly, her gaze darting about her. Several wisps of Jinx’s hair curled into the far corner of the dining-room doors. She jumped from the hand and ran out of the dining room, across the hall and out through the vacuum hatch.
CHAPTER 8
‘Blankey’s gone!’ Bonbon yelled as she fell running into Outside. Then stopped and screamed. Chips was squashing Jinx up against the edge of the dining-room doors while eating her face. They heard Bonbon scream and pulled away from each other to look at her.
‘What were you two doing?’
Chips looked at his feet.
‘Kissing,’ said Jinx, putting her hands on her hips.
Chips looked back up at Jinx and grinned. He loved it when she put her hands on her hips like that in front of Bonbon. He decided to do the same.
Bonbon wrinkled her face at them for a moment. ‘Blankey’s gone missing.’
‘What?’ Jinx dropped her hands. ‘Where?’
‘Don’t know.’ Bonbon shrugged.
Chips hugged his arms around himself, ashamed of the little voice in his head that said ‘Yes!’ as soon as Bonbon had told them about Blankey. That was a horrible thing to think. Horrible, horrible. He was such a horrible lying liar.
‘How do you know?’ asked Jinx.
‘They were talking about it.’ Bonbon tipped her head towards the dining-room window.
‘Oh.’
Chips’s tummy felt weird; how could she go missing? He had only seen her the other day, all wavy and grinny with her new shoes. And now…
‘The last time I saw her was when I got back from being poorly and I was in your Outside, with my humcoat on, talking about you. And then you came home: do you remember?’
Chips looked up at Bonbon, his face suddenly very hot. Last night? Last night was when he had found his humcoat in a bag under the kitchen cupboard. Last night was when he had found Blankey’s rose. Last night was when he had told Jinx that they should stop looking… that his humcoat wasn’t anywhere to be found. Last night was when… was when he had lied.
Jinx looked at Chips. ‘Have you seen her?’ she asked in a voice that had stopped being all cuddly and kissy. ‘Have you seen Blankey?’
‘No!’ yelled Chips. ‘Liar!’ yelled the inside of his head. I’m not a liar! I haven’t seen her! ‘No!’ he yelled again out loud, pulling his collar up around his face, squishing his eyes shut. ‘I have to go now.’ And he turned and ran away.
Jinx’s lip started to quiver. Bonbon noticed. She walked towards Jinx and put one arm around her. Jinx looked up, surprised again at the new Bonbon. The old Bonbon stood inside her head, complaining about her ears heating up and she let out a sobby laugh. Bonbon’s hand squeezed her shoulder as Jinx wiped her nose on the back of her own arm; her gaze following the faraway black blob of Chips as it disappeared through the tunnel and her eyebrows popping up as she realized something. ‘But, he’s got his humcoat back, Bonbon,’ she said. ‘He must have been to Blankey’s house; he must’ve seen her!’
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’m going after him!’
‘But no! We… We can’t go through there…’
Jinx turned around. ‘Yes we can, Bonbon. I’ve done it before.’ She turned back to run towards the tunnel.
‘Wha… What are you going to say to him?’
Jinx stopped. Good point. What was she going to say to him? ‘I just…’ She turned back around. ‘I just want to know how he got his humcoat.’
Bonbon blinked. ‘Blankey must’ve left it in his house.’
‘Yes, but…’
‘But what?’
‘She’s gone missing.’
Bonbon gripped a handful of humcoat skirt in each hand. ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Well, what do you think has happened to her?’
Jinx thought. Blue peacocks strolled through the middle of her head, turning their heads to the side and looking at her through one eye that tapered towards its beak like a colourful fish dipping for food. They all walked swishily, one foot placed right in front of the other, and pink flowers fell from their backs to the ground. ‘I think she’s been to see Chips.’
‘But he said that he hadn’t seen…’
‘I know. But I think he said something that wasn’t…’ she wrinkled her eyes, ‘true.’
Bonbon shook her head. ‘That’s silly; why would he do that?’
Jinx took a deep breath. ‘Because he’s been kissing with Blankey.’
Bonbon opened her mouth only to close it again. Her eyes danced towards the top of the wall where the bars were as she thought about what Jinx had just said. Yes… Yes, she thought she understood. In fact, the whole thing made her feel quite tingly. He shouldn’t really be kissing with Blankey; not if he was kissing with Jinx. Not without telling her. She wanted to talk about it more. ‘Does that make you feel weird?’
Jinx stepped towards Bonbon. She wanted to talk about it too. ‘Yes.’
‘Yes,’ agreed Bonbon. ‘Do you want to go there and see if they are kissing?’
Jinx scrunched up her lips and puffed out her cheeks.
Bonbon laughed.
Jinx grinned. ‘Why are you laughing at me?’
‘You look funny when you do that
!’ she giggled again.
Ah… That was something that would really take some getting used to. It was so nice to hear the sound of Bonbon’s laugh. She was lovely when she laughed.
Bonbon stopped laughing and they smiled at each other. ‘I don’t really want to go to Chips’s house,’ she said, finally.
The peacocks reappeared. They’d gone away when Bonbon was laughing, and now that she had mentioned Chips, they were back. The inside of Jinx’s mouth tasted funny: dry and yucky and still a bit like kisses. She blinked down at the new Bonbon, who was still clutching the skirt of her humcoat, hoping that Jinx would say that they could go back inside the house. ‘It’s alright, Bonbon.’ She walked over and took her hand. ‘Chips will come back. He always comes to our Outside.’ As she said it, questions started to ask themselves: but what if they were kissing? What if Blankey gave him his humcoat and started to cuddle him? What if they’d been doing that for a long time and Jinx hadn’t even known about it? ‘Blankey doesn’t poo!’ repeated Chips, inside her head. She frowned.
‘Are you sure, Jinx?’
The questions paused. Bonbon never asked her if she was sure; never, ever, ever. Bonbon wasn’t better. Bonbon needed looking after.
‘Yes, Bonbon. It’s alright. Let’s go inside.’
‘But we can talk about it all inside, Jinx. We can work out what we’re going to do.’
‘That’s right, Bonbon. We can talk about it all inside.’
‘Oh! Jesus! Are you alright; why are you staring at me?’
‘Were you asleep?’
‘Hmm?’
‘You were asleep, weren’t you?’
‘What time is it?’ Susan propped herself up on one elbow to look at the clock projection on the opposite wall. ‘I was asleep, yes.’
‘So who was making that noise?’