That had rocked his world a few years ago.
He had been consumed with guilt, for letting his fellow officer down. Michael’s words came back, hitting hard, because it was the first time anyone had ever said them to him.
Colt, are you keeping yourself from having what you want—Lexi and children—because you feel guilty? You didn’t get to Gavin quick enough. You couldn’t save him. You couldn’t save his wife the pain of losing him. So you shut yourself off and you pushed aside your own happiness. Is it about protecting Lexi, or your own guilt, because you’re alive and he isn’t?
When Michael first made that statement, Colt had walked out of their counseling session.
Small towns didn’t have grief counselors for their officers. The week after Gavin had been shot, the state had sent a counselor, but Colt hadn’t needed to talk. He really hadn’t needed to tell someone what he felt about losing Gavin. He knew.
He might have known more if he’d talked to someone three years ago. If he had talked to Lexi. If he had shared with her instead of shutting himself off, things might have been different.
One hand on the steering wheel, he dialed his phone. Michael answered.
“You were right,” Colt said. “I felt guilty. I should have been there sooner. I could have stopped it from happening. I could have been on that stretch of road, instead of Gavin.”
“Hold on, I’m in the middle of hammering shingles on a roof. Let me get down so we can talk.”
“Don’t fall.”
“I’m not planning on it.” Michael grunted and exhaled, his breath loud through the phone. “Okay, where are you?”
“On my way to Iowa.”
“I see. Why?”
“I have to see Gavin’s wife. I have to tell her how sorry am. I have to deal with what happened.” He leaned forward, looking for his exit. “I have to do that so I can move on with my life.”
“With Lexi.”
“With Lexi. I can’t live without her. I’ve tried for two years, and it hasn’t been much like living. I think I could go on, I could survive without her, but I would miss her. Forever.”
“You’d better hurry home before you lose her.”
“I’ll be back in a couple of days.”
“I’ll see you then.” Hammering again, on Michael’s end, and people talking in the background. They were working on homes.
“Could you do me a favor?” Colt turned off the highway.
Of course he would. Colt told Michael the plan and when he hung up, he felt pretty good. He felt better than he had in three years. His chest was lighter. The weight was lifting.
Three hours later he pulled up to a pretty house on a quiet street. It was dark, and there were lights on inside the house. Through the sheer curtains he could see a boy, tall and gangly, standing in the center of the room. A younger boy was jumping up and down, grabbing at something the older boy held over his head.
Colt smiled, knowing that game.
He got out of his car and walked up to the front door. He hadn’t called. He should have. Two years was a long time. He didn’t know what had happened in her life after she moved here.
He paused at the door, but it opened, not giving him the opportunity to walk away. The man standing in front of him was tall and broad-shouldered. Huge. Maybe it wasn’t her house.
“I’m looking for Lisa….” He felt like a fifteen-year-old kid, palms sweating and feet itching to run.
“She’s here. Could I ask who you are?”
“Colt Ridgeway. I’m the chief of police in High Plains, Kansas. Her husband worked for the county I live in.”
And then she was there, smiling and looking as if life had been good to her—her brown hair had light streaks and her eyes sparkled with laughter because a baby, barely walking, held her fingers.
“Colt, what in the world…”
“I’m sorry, I should have called.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. I’m glad you’re here, I just wondered why. This isn’t really in your jurisdiction.”
“I was driving.” He sighed. “I was actually on my way to Wichita.”
“You’re nowhere near Wichita.” She laughed, and the man standing next to her motioned him inside. He held out a hand.
“I’m Jake Barton. I’m Lisa’s husband.”
Husband. He hadn’t known. Colt took the offered hand. “Good to meet you. I really don’t want to intrude.”
“You’re not intruding,” Lisa insisted. “Come in and have coffee. After a drive like that, you probably need some caffeine.”
“Coffee would be good. I don’t want to be any trouble.”
“You’re not.”
He followed her through the house, seeing her kids, who were smiling and playing a game. The last time he’d seen them, a month after their dad’s funeral, they’d still been quiet, still sad, still grieving the loss of their father. Lisa had been strong, telling him it wasn’t his fault, he should let it go, and spend time with his wife.
But he hadn’t spent time with Lexi, because he’d felt guilty for still having someone to come home to. He shook his head and followed Lisa and her husband into a big kitchen.
“Have a seat and tell me why you’re here, Colt. I know you didn’t get this far from home by accident.”
He sat down at the island. “It wasn’t really planned. I was going to meet a friend in Wichita, and I made a decision to come here and check on you. I had your address in my cell phone with your number. I should have called.”
“You’re fine.” Lisa poured water into the coffeepot. “How’s Lexi. Do you two have kids yet?”
He shook his head, unsure of what to say. Lisa set the coffeepot down and looked at him, her eyes narrowing as she got it.
“Colt, what’s going on?”
“We’re divorced. I wasn’t a very good husband. I…”
“You couldn’t let go of what happened.” She switched the pot on and sat down next to him. Her new husband picked up the baby, touched her shoulder and then left the room. “Colt, look at me, I moved on. Gavin would have wanted us to move on. He wouldn’t have wanted us to lose our joy in life. He wanted you and Lexi to have kids.”
“I know, we talked about it. But when I knocked on your door that night and I saw what it did to you, to your kids…”
“You didn’t want that to happen to Lexi.”
“That, and now I realize that I didn’t know how to have so much happiness when Gavin was gone. He wouldn’t be coming back to his family.”
“Gavin isn’t in Heaven worrying about this, about you having your life with your wife. He would feel bad if he knew that you’d tossed it all away out of guilt.”
“I’m starting to realize that.” He folded his hands and stared down at the finger where he’d once worn a wedding band. “I feel like I’ve been on a long journey and I’m nearly home. I’m finding my way back to having faith. It’s been a long time. I think I blamed God as much as I blamed myself.”
He was seeing things from a different perspective. He was seeing Tommy with a family, and Michael reunited with Heather.
“You’re not so unusual, Colt. We all deal with grief, with guilt, with blame.” She covered his hand with her own. “We struggle with doubting God’s presence. And in those moments, we dig down and look at all He’s done. We use the tools He’s given us to get through.”
“Lisa, I really appreciate you inviting me in this way.”
“Colt, you were one of Gavin’s dearest friends. He wouldn’t want to see you hurting like this. I don’t want to see you like this, throwing away what means so much to you.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“So, a lot has been going on in your life.” From where he sat he could see her kids, the new husband and the baby.
“Oh, you wouldn’t believe the half of it. We’re getting ready to move to South America. We’re going to be missionaries.”
She got up and poured coffee. Colt took it and
listened as she told how she’d met her husband, about the new baby girl and their move to South America.
And he kept thinking of Lexi, and what it would be like to have a child that looked like her.
Chapter Fourteen
Lexi drove past the police station. Colt was on duty again. He was back from Wichita. And he hadn’t called her. He hadn’t stopped by to say hello.
What did that mean?
A block past the police station she saw Chico. The crazy dog was chasing someone’s cat. Lexi pulled over and whistled. He looked at the cat, in the process of climbing a tree, and back to Lexi.
Master. Cat. Master. Cat. She laughed, because he was standing there with his tongue hanging out, his tail wagging and looking from her to the cat, and back again.
“Chico, now.” The dog took a few steps in her direction, looking perfectly obedient, and then he dodged past her and headed for town, to Colt. That silly dog whistle.
What would Colt do with Chico in a city the size of Wichita? If that was his plan, master and dog would both be miserable. She knew that, even if he didn’t. But who was she to throw stones when she had driven into Manhattan twice in the last week to look at houses her mom had found for her.
Today she was giving herself a break and taking a look at the house in High Plains—her dream house.
She pulled up in front of the craftsman with the dark shingled siding. Jill had met her and was parked in the driveway. They were planning on peeking in the windows, to see if it was as cute as Lexi imagined. And then she planned on calling the Realtor.
Jill got out of her car and pointed to the sign.
“Too late.”
Lexi nodded and felt like crying, because something else had been taken. The words Under Contract now covered the real estate sign.
“It’s just a silly house. That shouldn’t upset me so much. You have to possess something for it to be taken away from you. A dream isn’t a possession.”
“It was a dream of yours for a long time. You’ve always loved this place.” Jill gave her an easy hug. “Come on, maybe the contract will fall through.”
Lexi laughed. “You want me to hope for someone else’s misfortune?”
“No, not for misfortune, only that they come to their senses and decide they would never want this house.”
Colt’s Jeep cruised past, Chico in the passenger seat, head out the window. Lexi waved, but he didn’t stop. He barely looked her way.
“Well, now that’s odd.” Jill bit down on her bottom lip. “What’s up with him?”
“I don’t know. He came home from Wichita, went to work and I haven’t heard from him.”
“I thought the two of you were working things out?”
“We were trying to be friends. That was an obvious mistake. Now we can’t even talk to each other.” Because being together had been too big a reminder of what they’d lost.
Jill didn’t say anything. Lexi shot her a look and Jill shrugged. “I’m not commenting. No matter what I say, you’re going to do what you’re going to do.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“So, you don’t want my advice?”
Lexi unlocked her truck and got in. “Not really. Besides, I think this house being under contract is my answer. I was holding out for this place. With it taken off the table, I’m going to give serious consideration to the house in Manhattan.”
“I think…”
Jill backed away for Lexi to close the truck door. Lexi’s phone buzzed.
“Shoot, the Johnstons, they have a mare down. I guess you’ll have to tell me what you think later.”
“Nice save…” Jill hesitated. “I have a date tonight.”
“Someone to spend your weekends with other than me!”
“Sorry, sweetie. Lunch tomorrow?”
“Lunch.” Lexi started her truck. “I’ll see you then.”
“Lex, don’t give up.”
“I’m not giving up. I’m exploring new plans for my life.”
A few hours later Lexi pulled into her drive, exhausted and ready for something to eat, even if it was just a sandwich. She didn’t care what it was, as long as she could eat it sitting on her couch and vegging in front of her TV. Something moved at the corner of her house, catching her attention.
Chico. He walked to the front door and sat down. Lexi climbed out of her truck and walked toward the dog, who didn’t move. Her heart caught a little, because that wasn’t normal for Chico.
“What’s up, buddy?”
Chico’s tail thumped the ground and he lay down, whining a little.
Lexi kneeled in front of him, rubbing his soft head. The dog leaned into her, whining. “I guess you can’t tell me what’s wrong.”
She put a hand under his head and tilted it to look into eyes that were clear. He licked her hand and crawled closer. Something hung on his collar. Lexi moved the leather strap and pulled off the piece of paper tied to the rabies tag with string.
A phone number. She dialed and waited.
“Hello, Miss Harmon, how are you today.” Colt smiled and he couldn’t begin to explain to anyone how that moment and hearing her voice on the other end of the line felt.
“Colt, what have you done to our dog?”
“I told him to stay. Amazing, huh?”
“Yes, amazing. But he’s your dog.”
“He still loves you.” He still loved her. And he could say it now. He wasn’t afraid. He wanted her to know that.
“That’s good.” A wistful tone to her voice vibrated through him. He wanted to end it all now, but he couldn’t.
“I need to talk to you.”
“We’re talking…” She hesitated. “This is starting to feel like police harassment.”
“I’d rather think of it as a friendly hello.”
“Fine, hello. Did you have a nice trip?” Miffed. He knew that tone. He wanted to remind her of another time they’d played this game, a scavenger hunt. She’d found tickets to a vacation at the end of the game.
This time he had to go a little easier on her.
“I did have a good trip. I’m sorry I haven’t called. I had a lot to take care of. And I noticed you have a Realtor sign in your front yard. Going somewhere?”
“Manhattan. Could you please tell me what this is all about? I’m really hungry, and I’m tired.”
“Okay, but you have to humor me.”
“Humor you, how?”
Man, he really loved her. She was smart and beautiful and loving. She made him want to start having a family tomorrow. Or as soon as they could say “I do” again. If she would have him.
“There’s a note under the doormat.”
“Fine.” She paused. “I have to find a house with a blue roof and hardy mums the color of a sunset. Do you know that describes every house in this neighborhood?”
“It has a blue door.”
“Okay, blue door. And what will people think when I walk up and pull something off the windshield of their car?”
“They won’t mind.”
Because everyone in town, but her, knew what he was up to. He knew people would be watching out windows and from backyards, waiting. Because Tommy had a family. Michael and Heather had found each other again. And now Colt and Lexi were making up.
One tornado, a lot of damage, and lives restored. He couldn’t fix it all in his mind, but he could see that God had used that storm to bring him to this place, where he had faith, and where he could look beyond the bad things that happened and see God using it for good.
He would tell her that later. When they met face-to-face.
He would tell her that God doesn’t stop every bad thing from happening, but He protects and He restores. He redeems.
God even redeems and protects stubborn, hardheaded cops who think they have to take care of everyone because they believe God is falling down on the job.
He shook his head at his own foolishness.
“Colt, what are we doing?”
“Playing a
game.” He heard her sigh. “See you in about thirty minutes. If you’re that good.”
“Um-hmm, you’d better have a steak dinner on the other end of this little game.”
He hung up. And for a moment he watched, because he could see her walk to the corner of her yard. She stood there, the breeze lifting that brown silk curtain of hair.
He had never known anyone like her. And she hadn’t given up on him.
Lexi walked down the block in the direction the note told her to go. Colt was out there somewhere, she knew he was. She didn’t see him, but he was watching; she could tell by the change in Chico, suddenly on the alert, his ears up and tail wagging. That was the dog’s “Colt’s here” look.
For a moment back there, she’d been upset with him. She was tired. He hadn’t stopped by all week. Now he wanted to play a game. There were reasons to be mad. And reasons to feel some funny sense of hope, because Colt sounded like Colt again. He sounded like the man she had married, a man who found humor and joy in simple things. Like a scavenger hunt.
As she passed a house with children, she stopped and looked. A blue door. A paper, held to the windshield of the family minivan by the wiper blades, flapped in the breeze. A little girl waved, as if Lexi had been expected.
She picked up the paper and read it, feeling fourteen and a little silly. “There’s a piece to this puzzle at a house with red shutters.”
That was it, red shutters. And how did she know what to look for when she found the house? She started walking, looking, feeling ridiculous. When she caught up with him, she was going to let him know how she felt.
How she felt. Like the fact that she still loved him. Maybe they were back to square one, still not communicating effectively. He couldn’t know how she felt, because she hadn’t told him.
She picked up her steps, in a hurry now to get to him, to see what he would say. And then hesitating, because what if he told her they couldn’t go back? Friendship hadn’t worked and marriage hadn’t worked. Then what?
The house with the red shutters was easy to find. An elderly woman walked down the drive and handed Lexi a large envelope. She took it and thanked the woman, who smiled big and walked back to her house.
Rekindled Hearts Page 17