by Lucy Monroe
She went limp, her body collapsing on top of his.
He kissed her long and lingeringly before tucking her head down onto his chest.
She rubbed her cheek against him like an affectionate kitten. “That was amazing.”
“Mmmm.”
“What does mmmm mean?”
“Very amazing.”
She laughed. “That must be Sioux, huh?”
“No.” But he smiled. He liked her teasing.
“I like this, Daniel.”
“I do, too.” He sighed, wishing he could stay where he was and knowing he couldn’t. “But I’ve got to move, or we’re going to decrease the effectiveness of this condom by about ninety percent.”
“Would that be the end of the world?” She snuggled in closer. “Haven’t you ever wondered what a little Daniel Black Eagle would look like?” she asked whimsically.
“No.” He gently, but firmly pushed her off of him, his body rejecting her words as completely as his mind did, and rolled off the bed.
He knew exactly what his child would look like. Him. Just as he was the spitting image of his father. His father’s blood wasn’t a legacy he had any desire to pass down to the next generation.
He frowned down at her. “I’m not daddy material.”
She turned onto her side and propped her head up on her hand. All he could see was the outline of her body, but he could feel her eyes locked on to him. “Why not?”
He wished he’d left a blanket on the bed, or a sheet or something she could use to cover up. Even with the cold chills skating along his nerve endings from her words, his body was reacting to the gentle curves revealed in the shadowy darkness.
“I don’t want a family.” He’d made that decision a long time ago and never changed his mind. “No wife. No kids. Not even a live-in lover to visit between assignments. I’m a mercenary, not a family man.”
“You’re a mercenary trainer now. There’s a difference.” She sat up, her posture not nearly as relaxed as before. “My dad has been a good father, and according to what I remember of his time with my mom, he was a darn good husband.”
Tension clawed at Daniel’s insides. Was she building fantasies in her head around him? She’d do better to wish for the moon, damn it.
“We had sex, Josie, incredible, mind-altering sex, and maybe because it was your first time, you’re thinking there’s more to it than there was, but I don’t do long-term commitment.”
He hated saying these things, had thought he wouldn’t need to. She’d been a merc. She knew the lifestyle, and in a lot of ways, she knew him, but apparently, she didn’t see him as clearly as he thought she did. The prospect of losing her because he couldn’t promise her a future made him sick inside, but he could not have her under false pretenses.
“I’m sorry if I said or did something to make you think otherwise, but if you’re looking for some kind of happily ever after with me, we need to call it quits right now.”
“I don’t believe in happily ever after, and I wasn’t offering to have your baby, though I guess I made it sound that way.”
The coward in him was glad she could not see his face, but he wished he could see hers. Was she hurt? Was she angry? He couldn’t tell. From her tone, she could be either.
“Then why bring it up at all?”
“It was a joke, a lousy one apparently. I didn’t expect you to take me seriously or make such a big deal out of it. And for the record, I may be pretty ignorant about what it takes to make a good relationship, but even I know better than to believe I can build a future with a commitment-phobic ex-mercenary who sees me as an obsession he wants to get rid of.” She definitely sounded mad now.
“I’m sorry—”
“Don’t apologize to me again, for goodness sake.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Don’t make assumptions you can’t substantiate. I never said I was hurt.”
True, and while she sounded angry, there were no tears in her voice. “I’m glad.”
“I’m trying to change my life, Daniel. The last thing I need is a long-term commitment with a soldier. Once we find my dad and his would-be killers, I never want to set foot on another training compound or battlefield again.”
He couldn’t doubt the passionate conviction in her voice, but far from appeasing him as they should have, her words left a hollow place inside. They implied that once this mission was over, she never planned to see him again.
“Are you going to insist your dad come to Portland to visit if he wants to see you?”
“That’s not your concern.”
“It is if it means you aren’t going to see me again.”
She laughed, the sound harsh and lacking in any amusement. “Make up your mind, Daniel. You said you don’t want long-term ties.”
“I don’t.”
“Then how or where I see my dad after this fiasco is over is none of your darn business.”
“So, you’re saying you only want to be lovers while I’m helping you investigate the explosion at the compound?”
“That sounds about right. I doubt your sexual liaisons last much longer than that anyway.”
She was right, but he felt shut out of her life already, and it frustrated him. He’d had no choice but to be honest with her, but he didn’t have to like the consequences. “Do you want me to spend the rest of the night in the other room?”
“Are you saying you’ve sated your obsession already?”
“No.” In fact, now that he knew what it felt like to come inside her, he craved it even more.
“Then why sleep on the couch?”
“You’re angry.”
“Believe it or not, I didn’t go into this thinking you were going to marry me and give me babies.”
Which didn’t deny that she was angry with him. “I’m glad,” he said again, thinking after he said it that maybe he could have been more tactful.
She huffed out a breath. “It’s a good thing I didn’t weave any romantic fantasies around you, isn’t it? You’d have shot them to bits by now. You’re great with your body, Daniel, but your relationship skills stink.”
“At least you enjoyed the sex.”
The words wounded Josie for his sake more than her own.
She bit her lip as she listened with a heavy heart to Daniel’s nearly silent tread across the room and into the bathroom. Her last comment had been uncalled for and untrue. He’d fulfilled every one of her romantic fantasies except one, and he’d never once implied he had any feelings for her not wrapped up in his sex drive. She had known he wasn’t interested in marriage, or a future with her.
She didn’t know why she’d said that about what his child would look like, except that her defenses had been obliterated by what she experienced when they made love. Postcoital bliss had sent her mind wandering down dangerous paths, and her idiotic comment had been the result.
She wished she hadn’t said it. Wished even more that it had been truth rather than pride that had made her deny she wanted him to sleep elsewhere now. Her pride had refused to allow him to see how hurt she’d been by his blunt rejection. However, regardless of what she’d known before they made love, having him spell out his lack of any personal feelings for her beyond sexual desire did make her feel funny about sleeping wrapped in his arms.
Cuddling wasn’t about sex. It was about caring and togetherness. Neither of which she shared with her lover.
She looped her arms around her drawn-up knees and waited for him to come back into the bedroom. The sound of running water was followed by the shower coming on, and she dropped her head against her knees to wait for him to finish.
She felt the bed dip under his weight before she realized he’d come out of the bathroom. She must have dozed, and he must have turned off the light before opening the door. Probably trying to be considerate and not wake her. He wasn’t a total write-off, even if she wished she could convince herself otherwise.
He might not believe it, but one day Dan
iel Black Eagle would meet the right woman, get married and have kids. He had so much goodness in him, a gentle and playful side to his nature that she sensed only children would bring out in him fully. He’d probably marry someone like her mom had been, someone soft and ultrafeminine, who didn’t know the difference between a pistol and a nuclear warhead.
She threw back the covers and scooted off the bed.
“Where are you going?”
“I want to take a shower, too. I feel sticky.” She’d always thought it was the man’s ejaculation that made a mess after sex, but she’d gotten so wet, she was slippery with it.
He didn’t say anything, and she went into the bathroom. She didn’t know why, but she locked the door before turning on the light. She avoided the mirror because she didn’t want to see what a wreck she must look like after all that sweaty rolling around. Stepping into the old-fashioned claw-foot tub, she pulled the curtain around her and turned on the shower.
The hot water cascaded down out of the oversized shower head, and she began the task of washing Daniel’s scent from her and the feel of his touch from her body. At least she tried, but no matter how much hot water she let pour over her, the sensation of his fingertips on her skin remained.
She finally gave up, hoping she’d taken long enough for him to fall asleep, and turned off the shower.
When Josie came back to bed, she got in on the side opposite Daniel and stayed there, keeping the expanse of the big mattress between them. After making love the first time, they’d gone to sleep wrapped in each other’s arms. Now she seemed intent on keeping the distance of the great divide between them, both physically and emotionally.
Daniel hadn’t expected anything different, not after hearing the quiet snick of the bathroom door lock before she took her shower, but he could try to bridge the chasm between them. He wasn’t very good at that sort of thing. However, if it meant getting her back into his arms, he would do it.
“Come here, Josie.”
“I’m too tired to have sex again tonight.” Her voice was clipped with anger, not drowsy with fatigue.
Men and women were so different, and despite the way she’d been raised, Josie was Y chromosome all the way through. She was mad and didn’t want to make love, but anger would never diminish his hunger for her. Hell, even if she really was too tired, he couldn’t relate. He could be coming off a three-day assignment without sleep and summon up enough energy to make love to her.
However, despite the always there burn of desire, he hadn’t been attempting to renew their passion. “I can hold you while you sleep.”
“No.” The one word held a wealth of repudiation.
“Why not?”
“I’m used to sleeping alone.”
“You slept with me earlier,” he ground out, frustrated by her emotional distancing masquerading as logic.
“That was then. This is now.”
“Damn it, if you wanted me to sleep on the couch, why didn’t you say so?” He got out of the bed with jerky movements, his muscles tight with the effort it took not to give vent to his temper.
“I have no problem with you sleeping in the bed.”
He wasn’t playing these man-woman games. He was no good at them. His responses weren’t subtle enough. “I can’t promise not to roll over and touch you. If I do, I’ll probably wake up and want to make love. You don’t want that to happen, so I’ll see you in the morning.”
He’d reached the door when her voice broke through the silence. “I don’t mind if you want sex again, but I don’t want to cuddle.”
He spun around to face her and saw that she was now sitting up in the bed. “What?”
“We don’t have that kind of relationship.”
“What kind?”
“The caring kind.”
“You don’t care about me?” He didn’t believe her. She was too vulnerable to him not to care at all. “You think I don’t care about you?” he demanded before she’d answered the first question.
“You said you didn’t.”
He headed back to the bed. “Like hel—heck, I did.”
“It’s just physical.”
Standing over her, he vibrated with outrage at her accusation. “If that were true, I could have gotten as big a high off my fist as I do your body, and lady, let me tell you, that’s never gonna happen.”
“You said—”
“That I wasn’t looking for a forever. I didn’t say anything about not caring about you in the present.” Damn it, why did she have to make everything so complicated in her own mind?
“If you cared about me, wouldn’t you want a future?” she asked, sounding more confused than condemning.
“I don’t want a future with anyone.”
“Are you saying you do care about me?”
“Of course I do.”
“Oh. I care about you, too.”
He’d never doubted it.
Before she could ask how much he cared or get into one of those emotional discussions at which he was so hopeless, he decided to take action.
She gasped when he pushed her back into the pillows and gave a half-hearted protest when he claimed her mouth, but an hour later, when she lay sated and curled into his body like the other half of his soul, he figured she wasn’t thinking about how much he didn’t care anymore.
One thought nagged at him as he tried to sleep.
If Josie thought wanting a future together was a sign of caring, did that mean that despite what she’d said, she’d hoped for one with him?
Daniel woke up with two thoughts uppermost in his mind. The first was that despite the fact Josie had allowed him to become her first lover, she didn’t see herself as his woman.
Not only had she tried to sleep separate from him, even though she’d denied wanting him to leave the bed, but she had put a time limit on their relationship. Because they didn’t have a long-term future, she didn’t see herself as belonging to him in the present, and he wasn’t sure how to change her mind.
The second thought that came close on the first was that Hotwire would be arriving in Portland today. A man Josie freely acknowledged as a friend and admired in ways she’d never expressed admiration for Daniel, Hotwire fit into the new life Josie was creating for herself.
Daniel didn’t. He was a soldier, and she wanted a life free of them. She wanted a future, and he didn’t have one to give her. She wanted to be normal, and he’d accepted long before he left home that he wasn’t like other people.
That didn’t stop him from wanting her to belong to him right now, and the need to cement what connection he did have with her before they left the hotel that morning rode him hard.
She’d slept cuddled into his body, her bottom snug against his groin, her head resting on one of his arms, his other arm looped over her waist. He savored the sensation of physical closeness for several minutes, pressing his hand against the warmth of her belly and rubbing his thigh against hers. Josie didn’t stir. For a woman who had said she didn’t want to be held, she slept remarkably well wrapped up against him.
He derived satisfaction from that even as he planned how best to wake her. Carefully pulling his arm out from under her head, he guided her onto her back. She sighed in her sleep and turned toward him, subconsciously seeking the heat of his body, but he gently pressed her to her back again, wanting her open to his touch.
Using the same skills he’d honed to almost superhuman precision to disarm a bomb, he lightly brushed the pads of his fingers along her curves. Tiny bumps of sensual pleasure rose to the surface of her silky smooth skin, but she didn’t waken. He explored every inch of her tantalizing softness, stopping every time she moved toward wakefulness.
With gentle pressure, he pushed her legs apart, and she let them separate with another sleepy sigh, allowing his fingers access to the dew-kissed curls at the apex of her thighs. She moaned and mumbled his name as he investigated the level of her arousal. She hadn’t showered after their last session of lovemaking, and she was stil
l silky with her own rapidly renewing moisture. Her body was preparing itself for him, and his already stiff erection throbbed with the need to take her up on her subconscious offer.
He kissed each of her nipples in turn, tasting them with carefully controlled ardor because he wasn’t quite ready for her to waken. The tender peaks beaded instantly, and her torso arched toward him in unconscious invitation. He accepted it, swirling his tongue around her aureole until she made a sound deep in her throat, telling him she was coming to wakefulness.
He kissed her sleep-softened lips, opening his mouth over hers, unable to resist the urge to taste her. Sweet, like warm candy, the first lick turned his craving for her into voracious hunger. Her mouth opened on a drowsy sound of pleasure, and suddenly she was kissing him back, her mouth every bit as ravenous as his. Her hand buried in his hair, she tugged him into a deeper kiss.
They made love with nothing held back, her body completely open to his, his body intent on giving her more pleasure than she would ever know again, and when they climaxed together, she cried out his name with emotion-filled intensity.
Josie finished dressing, her legs a little wobbly from her early morning lovemaking with Daniel. He’d woken her with a kiss and then proceeded to pleasure her until she was out of her mind with it. She’d thought she’d learned the last word on pleasure the night before, but he’d taught her they hadn’t even scratched the surface.
Their shower together had been intimate and special, but not sexual—as if he was intent on proving to her that sex was not all they had between them. If that were true, then why had he taken such pains to point out how temporary their relationship, if you could call it a relationship, was?
There was so much she did not understand about Daniel Black Eagle, but that was nothing new. For heaven’s sake, she’d just figured out the man didn’t dislike her. How could she expect herself to understand the inner workings of his mind?
The breakfast he’d ordered the night before had arrived, and Daniel was letting the waiter in while she dressed.