by Claire Cray
“And when I’m gone, this need will disappear?”
There was silence.
“Yes,” he said at last. “Eventually.”
But mine would not. I was sure of it. My soul was going to break.
Merrick turned his eyes to me again. He looked like a ghost. “Rest,” he said softly. “I will be near.”
“I cannot rest.”
“I will bring you some tea.”
“I do not want it.”
He shook his head with a wan smile, and disappeared.
I stared at the empty doorway and the leather moving slightly behind him, a knot in my throat. I was still looking when he returned with a steaming cup.
“You are not well,” I accused.
He did not meet my eyes. “I have not been out these four days. I will go tonight, and take Theo with me.”
Four days!
I watched him leave the cup on the nightstand and depart once more. The knot in my throat remained. Anxious and overwhelmed, I was certain I would not sleep. All I could do was rest my eyes and repeat Merrick’s words in my mind, again, and again, and again…
Chapter 26
“Wake up, little morsel.”
My eyelids fluttered as I was jostled.
“Wake up. He’ll be here to dismember me any second.”
I squinted in the dim light and beheld Theo leaning over me, shaking me roughly by the shoulders. “What…”
“He means to kill himself,” Theo said. “Repeat that back to me.”
“What?”
“He will kill himself, shithead. To keep from turning you.”
Blinking stupidly at him, I could only repeat, “What?”
Theo slapped me lightly on the cheek. “Wake up,” he growled. “Silas intends to kill himself.”
In the distance I heard something like a drumbeat. I looked around, puzzled, but my attention was held on Theo. “Why?”
He slapped me again.
I moved to slap him back. “Insufferable little…”
Theo caught my wrist and leaned closer, hissing his message into my ear. “I drained your blood for a reason. He must turn you. He will turn you. It does not matter if he sends you away. He’s chosen you, and he will crave you until the craving overwhelms his shit reason and his shit morals and he will track you down and take your blood and feed you his own. The only way to stop it is to kill himself. So when you leave, he will build a fire and throw himself upon it and that will be the last of Silas Merrick.”
“Stop him,” I blurted.
The pounding in the distance was now combined with a strange cracking noise, like wood splintering.
Theo grabbed my collar and hauled me up, glaring into my eyes. “I cannot stop him. Nothing can stop him. He will turn you, or he will die. Do you understand me?”
I was jerked violently forward as Theo suddenly went flying backwards, before my shirt ripped in his fist and I tumbled back onto the bed.
“William.” Merrick’s voice was dark with fury. He stood between us, his shoulders heaving, his furious eyes fixed on Theo where he was crumpled against the wall.
“Y-yes?” He could be quite terrifying, when he wanted to be. I noticed then that the hide covering the mouth of the cavern was swinging, and quickly realized that the pounding and cracking I’d heard had been the sound of Merrick battering his way through the heavy wooden door. Theo must have managed to slip past him and lock him in the cave in order to deliver his message to me.
“Are you bitten?”
Theo replied angrily. “I didn’t bite him. I told him the truth.”
“Is it true?” I blurted, horrified, and then stood to face Merrick. “Tell me!”
“Is what true?” he growled.
“You will kill yourself!”
“That is ridiculous.”
“Shit on your stupid airs!” Theo snapped, sitting up and pounding his fists against the floor. He looked quite ferocious now, for a twit. “You condemn this young man to a life of misery!” He thrust his finger towards me. “Do you think he will forget it? You think you can send him back to his old life? Does he not deserve a choice in this matter?”
“There is no choice to be made.”
“Damn you, Silas!” Theo shouted. “Are you prepared to kill me?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I will not allow it,” the blue-eyed vampire raged, and shot to his feet. He stood inches from Merrick, and though he was no match for Merrick’s height and size, he looked ready to throttle him. “You are right,” he seethed. “There is no choice here. For I will not allow it.”
Merrick said something in French. Theo’s eyes widened, and he spat out a startling epithet.
After a few more words exchanged through clenched teeth, Theo turned stiffly and stormed out of the room.
Merrick turned back to me, his features taut with anger and dismay.
“Is it true?” I asked, my throat tight.
“Yes,” Merrick whispered.
“Why?”
“I have lived long, William.”
“Why?” I demanded.
As he looked at me, his shoulders slowly sagged. He lifted his hand to rub his brow and let out a long, tired breath. “Sit down.”
I stared at him for another moment, then sat on the edge of the bed.
Merrick pulled the wooden stool in front of me and sat heavily upon it. Then, in a weary, reluctant tone, he began to explain.
“When a vampire has lived well past one lifetime,” he said, “A century and a half or so, perhaps two centuries, something happens inside of him. Immortality loses its novelty. The thrill and the pleasure of feeding fades, and killing becomes a grotesque routine. He struggles with guilt over the lives he has taken, the thousands upon thousands. He has learned to envy humans for their warmth, their fragility, their innocence, their capacity for fresh feelings and surprise and fear, their sense of wonder. His own existence comes to feel like a perverse joke – for he realizes he is nothing but a parasite. And yet night after night, he is compelled to take another life – destroying another heart, mind and soul to sustain his pathetic existence for another day.”
Merrick covered his face with his hands, rubbing it tiredly, and then clasped them between his knees and continued with his head hanging.
“He loses his will to exist. And then he loses his will to kill.” Merrick paused. “Every vampire goes through this, in his own way. Many do not survive. Some leave off of feeding until they fall into a deep sleep – leaving their shriveled bodies vulnerable to discovery or any number of mishaps. Others cut their misery short and immolate themselves. Perhaps all vampires would perish in this season of despair, if not for the strange instinct that compels our kind to reproduce.”
He fell silent.
I could only stare at him, astonished. Just as I was about to prod him for more, he spoke again.
“My own troubles began nearly a century ago. I was with Theo, then. I had seen him go through the same thing decades before, but Theo is a determined survivor, and did not hesitate to choose a mate at the first sign of discontent…” He paused again. “You see, just most men and women driven to create new life, so are most vampires compelled, at some point, to create others in their own image. The compulsion strikes deeply in this time of despair. For Theo, who has always enjoyed company, it was only a matter of choosing a beautiful and clever young creature to be his protégé. And I saw how quickly the passion returned to him, how vibrantly his curiosities and senses were revitalized by the experience.
“But for me it was not as simple, for I was never one to form bonds easily. And as the shadows slowly crept over my mind and soul, I became even more solitary. Theo urged me to seek a companion, but I could not summon the desire. Instead, I dragged on. I made some attempt to distract myself with medicines and the healing arts. At night I hunted criminals exclusively, thereby easing some of my guilt over killing. In this way I endured the growing darkness for decades. Still, I knew I was n
ot immune to what others had gone through before me. I would have to choose a mortal to turn, or I would fade from being.
“Word of the New World sparked the first glimmer of curiosity I’d felt in ages, and I boarded a ship for these shores with the particular intent of getting to know the Indians. Studying their methods and rituals lifted the gloom for a few years, but then it returned with a vengeance.
“I have been a fading shadow for decades now. I’m less and less inclined to sustain myself – and it is all too easy to avoid killing here, where potential victims are few in number. I am sure I would have fallen asleep if not for the constant letters from Theo, which kept a small flame of desire glowing in the back of my mind – the desire to go on, to share my knowledge with one who would remind me of the beauty of the world that I once loved.
“At last, one of the letters struck a nerve. I suppose I had reached a point of ennui that allowed me to act on Theo’s advice. Using a ritual I had learned decades ago from the Indians – from your mother’s people, in fact – I sought a vision to guide me. It was a moving experience, and left me with the absurd but distinct notion that I was to seek an apprentice.”
“So that’s why,” I burst out. Good God, it had taken long enough to solve that mystery.
“Yes. That is why.” Merrick opened his eyes and looked at me with tired regret. “I brought you here to turn you into a vampire, William.”
“So? Why didn’t you? You had ample opportunity.”
“You enchanted me,” Merrick murmured. “Your intellect, your grace and character, your beauty. I desired you at once. But it all became very complicated. I might have changed you that night, but you were so warm and open to me, even when you thought I was an old man. It impressed me deeply. And when I sensed your desire and confusion, it…” he paused, looking down. “It aroused feelings deep within me, feelings that brought my senses back to life, along with my will to exist. And as desire grew between us, so my spirits lifted. I was pleased to see you every morning, to lie beside you here. I had a reason to feed at night. And I felt no immediate need to turn you – your mortal companionship was thrilling enough. I yearned to taste your blood, yes, but not to change you. Not yet.”
“But why did you send me away?” I asked, impatient.
A cloud covered his handsome face. “When I saw you next to Sarah Brightwell,” he said. “The two of you so young and carefree…”
I frowned. “You must be joking.”
“It was a startling blow to the illusions I’d concocted. We had shared a kiss the night before, when you had confessed your desire...”
“I know,” I interrupted, a bit peevishly.
“I already loved you deeply, William. And when I saw you standing there with her, saw her eyes alight with girlish admiration, I realized the magnitude of what I intended, eventually, to do. And right away, with perfect clarity, I realized that I could not.”
“That seems a bit silly,” I said, though I wasn’t sure I ought to be arguing against his decision not to turn me into a vampire. Perhaps I ought to. Perhaps not. Christ, I didn’t know.
He made another attempt to explain. “You are an extraordinary person, William. You are on a path toward a wonderful life. You are curious, kind, intelligent, adventurous, and hard-working. You have a lovely mother who loves you, a fine and interesting trade that you enjoy, and with all your charms, you will never lack for friends or lovers. When you were alone with me, it was easy to convince myself that you could be happy with me. But when I saw you smiling and talking with that girl, all the beauty and potential of your humanity overwhelmed me. I will not take it from you. I cannot.”
I stared at him. He looked so tired and so sad. “Then what will you do?” I asked. “Why don’t you find another?”
“I will not find another.” He paused. “Perhaps I cannot. Theo believes the choice is final for everyone. He claims that once he tasted his chosen mate, nothing could have stopped him from turning him.”
“Then what will you do?”
“I will die.”
I felt my face twist with something between despair and disgust. “You are willing to die?”
“I am content to die. I have lived nearly three centuries.” He looked into my eyes, and I saw that sorrow had changed to gentle calm. He reached for my hand and covered it with his own. “And I have met you, William. I assure you, I’ll go peacefully thinking of the time we spent together and the life you have ahead of you.”
My jaw had dropped. Frozen stiff, I could only stare at him, aghast.
“Of course, I will leave my assets to you,” he said.
I wrenched my hand from his and shot to my feet, reeling. “Are you mad?” I cried.
Chapter 27
Merrick looked up at me, sympathetic. “I know that it seems gruesome. But in time, you will come to—”
My voice rose. “How could you expect me to stomach this?”
“Because you have no more choice than I do.”
“Who says I don’t have a choice?” I yelled, and then furiously demanded, “Did you intend to…after sending me away…” I saw the answer on his face and felt such rage I nearly leapt upon him. Instead I turned and paced around the bed, turning back to face him with some distance between us.
The madman! The bastard! He expected me to take my broken heart back to the city knowing he would soon burn himself alive! He expected me to inherit his money and spend it!
“Your words disgust me,” I said, my voice trembling with anger. “You have already left my heart in ruins once, and now you insult me with this…”
“Insult you?” Merrick did not stand up, merely watching me with incredulous eyes that no longer sparkled as before. “William, I merely…”
“You offend me with your suggestions! Do you expect me to go on with my lovely life carrying your death on my conscience? Damn you, Merrick! I have never heard such idiocy!”
“I wish there were another way.” Merrick looked disarmed by my vitriol. Good.
“There is another way,” I retorted without thinking.
“I will not turn you.”
I glared at him for a long, tense moment.
My mind was made up.
“You will,” I said.
Merrick looked shocked, then horrified, then grim and resolute. “I will not.”
I stalked towards the door. Merrick moved in front of it. When I tried to shove him, he grabbed my wrists.
“I will not,” he repeated, and this time his voice was dark and threatening.
I glowered up at him. He was bluffing. If I left his sight, Theo would find me again and do the same thing he’d done before. I could tell the French twit wasn’t one to give up. And if Theo failed, I certainly would not. After all, I could just as easily drain my own blood, couldn’t I?
Then again, perhaps Merrick wasn’t bluffing. Perhaps he was prepared to let me die. I hesitated a moment at the thought.
No. That wasn’t the Merrick I knew. He was ready to kill himself to protect my human life. I could not believe he would allow me to die rather than let me be reborn.
He let me pass him at last, following closely behind me.
Theo was sitting sullenly at the table, spinning a knife on the surface. When I entered, his eyes met mine and gleamed with smug mischief. A little smirk appeared on his lips, and this time it did not annoy me. For the time being, bizarrely, we were on the same side.
I sat across from Theo, fixing him with an even look.
“What’s on your mind, Willlll-iam?”
I ignored it. “I want to return to the city and see my mother.”
“Are we negotiating terms?” Theo smiled.
Merrick said something tense in French. Theo pretended not to notice him.
So did I. “Is it possible?”
“You mean, you’d like me to stand guard while you make a few farewells to your mortal life?” Theo stroked his smooth chin, looking sweetly upwards with a thoughtful hum. “He’s stronger than I am, yo
u know. It’s possible he could overpower me somehow. Perhaps trap me in a box or something and make off to do the deed.”
There was another snarl in French from Merrick. Again, we ignored him.
Suddenly Theo snapped his fingers, his face lighting up. “I know! I’ll just disappear instead. And if he destroys himself, I’ll head straight to the city and snap your neck.” Theo leaned back, tittering with delight. “Why didn’t I think of this before? I suppose I was trying to be nice about it.” He shook his head, apparently amused at the thought.
I shuddered inwardly. Evil little… “That sounds tenable.”
“It’s lovely to have you on board,” Theo said. “Why didn’t you tell me you were so smitten? Things would have gone so much easier from the beginning if I’d known you were willing.” He spread his hands with a flourish. “It’s not nearly as bad as he’d have you believe, you know…”
“Stop,” Merrick said quietly.
“It’s too late,” Theo retorted. “I told you I’d keep my promise.”
I shot him a dirty look. As if he’d orchestrated the entire thing!
“He won’t ever kill me, you see,” Theo said to me, not minding my expression. “Our bond is too deep, since…Well, you’ll learn all about it, I suppose.” He rose from the table. “Shall I take my leave?”
Merrick was looking down.
“Merrick, au revoir, mon ami.” Theo moved toward him.
Merrick abruptly turned away, disappearing into the bedroom.
“It is a promise, Merrick!” Theo called after him. For a moment, despair crossed his face. Then it was replaced by a stubborn scowl. “You’ll forgive me!” he shouted. “You’ll thank me!” He muttered something in French, his features tightening with worry for another moment, and then he sniffed and turned from the door. Crossing his arms, he looked down his nose at me.
“I hope you appreciate what I’ve done,” he said haughtily.
I scowled and was about to say something sharp when I noticed the flush in his cheeks and the flicker of pain that kept showing up in his eyes every few moments. Poor Theo, I realized. There really was a little substance beneath the gilded exterior. It was plain to see that he had fought to keep his friend alive, and that Merrick’s cold shoulder was a painful blow.