“A reason why you’re holding out?”
Michael cringed and said, “She’s got an older brother.”
“Yeah, so do you.”
“Uh…his name might be Nathan.”
Dad lowered his head into his hands. I tilted my head to the side, and my eyes opened wide. “No, not him.” I shook my head, “No, you didn’t. She’s not Nathan Whiteside’s younger sister. Tell me she’s not.”
Michael folded his hands together and said, “Okay, she’s not.” Then he lowered his head cowering from me.
Dad looked up. He whispered, “Michael…”
I sucked in a long breath of air and said, “I can’t believe..” Then I caught Dad’s glance at me. He was right about the whole conversation. Although Nathan was the jerk who outed me to the entire school after we kissed in the locker room, that didn’t mean there was automatically anything wrong with his little sister Sarah.
I decided to appeal to my better self and asked, “Do you really like her?”
Michael looked up with one eye. “You’re not gonna hit me?”
Dad grumbled, “He’d better not hit you.”
“Yeah, she’s great,” said Michael. “We go out almost every weekend…”
His comments were interrupted by the door to Mom and Dad’s part of the suite opening. She stepped into the room with a smile and said, “I hope you have a great dinner, James. My boy is growing up. One of these days we’ll need to balance things with the need of another family.”
Her smile was genuine, and so was the noticeable gritting of her teeth. I couldn’t wait to hug her.
4
Lucas
Sophie reached up and tugged at the collar of my button-up dress shirt to straighten it. I decided to wear dressier clothes, but not a sports jacket for my dinner date with James before he headed back to college. We decided to eat at an upscale place that was a cross between a bar and restaurant on North Michigan Avenue. I looked forward to both the food and the chance to spend more time with James.
Taking a step back to take in the entire view, Sophie said, “You look so handsome, little brother.” She reached up and raked her fingers through my hair. “This is getting so long. Will you cut it when you get back home?”
“I haven’t decided. Do you think it looks good?”
She said, “You’ve always had thick hair like Father. So it’s nice and wavy at the ends. Don’t let it get much longer, but yes, it looks good now.”
I held my hand out in front of my body. My fingers quivered. “Look at me, Sophie, I’m shaking. I’ve not been like this about a boy for a long time.”
“You must like him.”
I sighed heavily. “I’m worried about that, too. James will be so far away when I go back home.”
“But you’ve said you don’t want to live in one place. Maybe you could travel back here to America soon and see if he’s the right one.”
I laughed nervously. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
“And he could help get you back on the ice. You said he plays hockey.”
I took a step back from Sophie’s primping. “I only skate for fun now. I won’t race again.”
Sophie frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t understand why not. You had a chance to be one of the best skaters in the country, Lucas. I still get messages from friends who ask when they will get to see you race again. You’re only 24.”
Shaking my head, I echoed her movements and crossed my arms, too. “How many times have I explained it? I even sat down and patiently explained it to Jerry when he asked just two days ago. I can’t go through that again, Sophie. I won’t. I’m comfortable with my painting and work. That’s where I’ll focus my time. I only skate for fun like when I met James.”
She pointed at a chair in the corner of her living room and said, “Sit. I’ll make you some tea. I still have some of that cinnamon that you liked so well. Or I can get you a coffee if you prefer that, but I think the tea will relax you before dinner.”
“The cinnamon tea sounds great.” I seated myself in the chair and found a small stack of mail on the side table. I called toward the kitchen, “When did you get this letter from Mother and Father. I don’t think I’ve seen it.”
Sophie called back. “Go ahead and read it. It was in the box yesterday.”
I browsed through the letter. My mother wrote it in her usual style. Reading her letters was like reading a journal. Sometimes she even told us what she ate for breakfast. I frowned at the comment near the end. She encouraged Sophie to ask me about speed skating. As Sophie set my tea on the table, I said, “So she put you up to it. I don’t think any of you understand how embarrassing and crushing it was. I couldn’t get out of bed for a week.”
“It was just one race,” protested Sophie.
“But I missed the lane change not once but twice. Once is enough to be disqualified. I nearly collided with the other racer. Some of the crowd were laughing out loud by the time it was over. No, I can’t do that again.”
“You aren’t the first speed skater to miss a lane change.”
My voice rose in tone and volume. “I’m the first person that I’ve known intimately who missed a lane change in an important race. I’m the only person I know who did it twice, and I didn’t have a good explanation. I know the reason, but admitting it in public would have made it all even more embarrassing.”
“It was what I think it was?” asked Sophie. “We’ve talked so little about it. I’m not sure you told me directly.”
I lowered my eyes and looked at the floor. “It was almost two years ago, and I had sex the night before with Noah. We both had big races the next day, and I knew he was going to be in the Olympic Games. I was starry-eyed, and my brain couldn’t focus. I made the mistakes because of sex, and if you tell Jerry…”
I looked up and saw a mischievous twinkle in Sophie’s eye. She held her hand up to her mouth and whispered, “I will never tell Jerry why it happened. Please let me think it’s a funny story though, Lucas. Just between you and me.”
My mouth curled into a half-smile. I said, “Okay, we can both think it was kind of funny, but I’m not a comedian. It was embarrassing. I’m not racing again. Skating is for fun.”
Sometimes I was convinced that Sophie knew about a secret door or a window into my head. So many times she was able to pick out what I was thinking. It happened again when she asked, “Did you race James?”
I grumbled, “How did you know that?”
“I know my little brother. You might not do a formal race, but you’re still competitive. I can see it in your eyes.”
“Yes, I challenged him to one lap around the ribbon. It was fun, too. He’s strong. He’s shorter than me. His compact legs are made to go fast.”
“He won?” asked Sophie.
“I let him win.” I took a sip of my tea. The cinnamon was just strong enough to tickle my tongue. I loved the sensation.
Sophie opened her eyes wider. “You let him win? Are you sure of that?”
I nodded. “I let up a little bit. Besides, I wanted to see him from behind.” I expected what happened next. Any time I talked about something close to the topic of sex, Sophie blushed. It was a fact that I enjoyed looking at James’ firm, round backside, and talking about it was my perfect opportunity to change the subject.
Sophie waved a hand. “Okay, we don’t need any more details on that. I do think the best thing to do about the skating is to try at least one more race. Prove to yourself that the mistake was one time, and it won’t ever happen again. Remember when I was in that bicycle race?”
“You were only thirteen years old. I know because I was eight.”
“It was still incredibly embarrassing. I ran into Fanny’s bicycle because I was waving at you. She broke a leg, and I sprained a wrist. Our classmates talked about it at school for the next month, but I didn’t let it stop me.”
I stopped myself from rolling my eyes and sipped more of the tea instead. The situat
ions weren’t comparable, but I let Sophie have the satisfaction of explaining her success at overcoming a tragic life event. I asked, “So what did you do?”
“I entered the race again the next year. They all laughed and joked about avoiding me and steering away from my bicycle, but I did it anyway.”
“Did you win?”
Sophie placed her hands on her hips. “You were there, Lucas. You know whether I won or lost.”
After another sip of the tea, I said, “I just wanted to make sure my memory was correct. You know how we forget details sometimes. Remind me who won.”
“Fanny won, and you know that. I came in fifth place. I was never as talented at athletics as you. That’s not the point. The point is that I got out there again, and I was able to let it go, even with Fanny gloating like a walrus.”
I laughed out loud. “You let it go. No hard feelings anymore.” I applauded and said, “I really should follow that example.”
She shrugged. “At least I’m not sulking anymore.”
I shook my head. “No is no, Sophie. I’m finished with racing on skates. My heart isn’t in it anymore. I’m excited about my painting. Soon, I’ll submit more of my pieces to juried shows. I nearly won the top prize in the first show I entered. I don’t know if it will ever be my profession, but I love painting. The graphic design is close enough that it makes work easy.”
Sophie disappeared into the kitchen and came back just seconds later with her own tea. She sat on the living room chair nearest mine and said, “I’m so happy that you came for a visit. It’s almost like old times at home, except I feel like we can get away with things since Mother and Father are still across the ocean.”
“Get away with things?”
“You know. We can do whatever we want and say whatever we think. I don’t have to be the good little girl, and I don’t think they understand Jerry.”
I sipped and said, “Well, he is a little loud, and he’s always touching me. It’s a good thing we know that he likes women.”
Sophie gasped. “Oh, you’re horrible, little brother! He’s an American. That’s just the way they are.”
“And you’re in love. I can see it in your eyes and Jerry’s, too. I envy that. Maybe someday.”
“Maybe James?”
I set my tea down. “Don’t push things too hard yet, but James is the best since Max, and he could be a whole lot better than Max.”
“Oh, Max was awful. I hope James is better than that. Max found somebody else behind your back and then lied about it. You told me he kicked you out of his place in the middle of winter when you didn’t have a ride home.”
I nodded. “Max did, but it was a bad choice to tell him that I knew at that point in time. It wasn’t good judgment from me. I should have told him on the phone or somewhere public. Max is a huge man. He could have hit me and caused a lot of damage if he was angry enough. I was worried he might do something like that right before he threw me out the door. He’s big enough to wrestle Jerry to the floor.”
Sophie raised a hand over her head and looked up. “That’s a big man.”
I smiled and said, “I like that James is shorter than me. It’s so easy to wrap him up in my arms. I hope he likes my long fingers.” I stood up and walked across the room toward the coat closet.
“Who wouldn’t like your long fingers?” asked Sophie. “Jerry’s are a little stubby and thick, but he’s so big that his fingers are longer than most, too. I won’t complain about his touch and those fingers…when they go some places.” Sophie closed her eyes, and the color rose again in her cheeks.
“Okay, that’s enough.” I tugged my coat out of the closet. “I need to go to meet James. I’ll hail a taxi when I get down to the first floor. Are you and Jerry going out for dinner?”
Sophie grinned. “We’re ordering pizza.” She stood and crossed the room toward me. “Have a great evening, little brother, and I’ll want to hear all about it. Say hello to James from your sister Sophie.”
I pulled open the front door of the condo and turned my head. “I’m sure he would wish you the same.” Then I whispered, “Don’t wait up,” before closing the door behind me.
5
James
Lucas pulled open the carved wooden door to the Decorated Hog bar and restaurant and held it for me. The Decorated Hog was one of the most unusual names I’d ever seen on a place, but Lucas insisted, “This place is awesome. The chef won some big award for his cooking. It’s going to be noisy and crowded, but the food is incredible.”
I looked around as we stepped inside. The place was bustling, and it was warm. Servers carried trays high above the heads of customers as they navigated the tight spaces between tables. People were also eating at the bar. The drinks sat nearby in all colors of the rainbow. The host said, “Welcome, gentlemen. Do you have a reservation?”
I stepped to the side and pointed at Lucas. I said, “I think he does.”
“It’s under the last name Bakker,” said Lucas.
I watched the host trace her finger along a computer screen. “Here it is.” She handed one of the servers two paper menus and said, “Anelise will show you to your table.”
As we made our way to the table, I was hit from the left and the right by the aroma of rich food. I could pick out the scents of savory grilled meats and peppery spices. It made me twice as hungry as I was when I left Michael and my parents at the hotel.
Lucas draped his coat over the back of his chair and pushed his blonde hair back over his shoulders. My heart thumped in my chest. I leaned across the table and asked, “How did you know about this place?”
“Two days after I arrived, I was shopping in the neighborhood with Sophie and Jerry. She asked me to use my phone app to see if I could find a good place to eat. The Decorated Hog came up on the screen. It had amazing positive reviews, and I showed it to Sophie. She laughed out loud. Then Jerry crowded in and wanted to see what made us both laugh. We decided that we had to check it out because of the name, and it was three times as good as what I expected.”
I said, “That’s an enthusiastic recommendation.”
By the time the end of the meal rolled around, I was completely stuffed. The restaurant specialized in small plates, so Lucas and I ordered four different items and shared them. We ate pork cheeks, bone marrow, scallops, and something made with kohlrabi. Except for the scallops, it was all food that was new to me. My mom tried to feed us kohlrabi once when I was little, and we all turned up our noses, including Dad. Maybe it was just the company, but the kohlrabi at the Decorated Pig was luscious.
While we picked at the massive slice of chocolate fudge torte that finished the meal, I asked Lucas what it was like coming out in the Netherlands. We all have stories to tell about it, and anytime I got to know another gay guy beyond the acquaintance stage, we had to share our stories.
Lucas said, “It was mostly easy. My family wasn’t surprised. I was already spending a lot of my time skating and preparing for races, so I was ignoring most of the life noise around me. I’m not sure if you do that for hockey, but my coaches taught me to narrow my focus. I remember one in particular saying, ‘Lucas, you can only focus well on five different things. Speed skating is the first three.’”
I asked, “Did you tell people?”
“Oh, I kissed a boy one day on the way home from school. We were friends, and I can’t explain how it happened. It was like pushing a snowball down a hill. Suddenly my lips were pressed against his. I still remember the shock in his eyes, but then we held hands.”
“And everybody was fine with it?”
“I got teased by some of the other skaters, but it wasn’t any worse than when one of my teammates wore the wrong skates to a race.”
I looked into his eyes. He was trying to respond in a happy and lighthearted way, but I could see a hint of pain clouding over the sky blue. “What happened to the boy that you kissed?”
Lucas shrugged. “I don’t know. We pretended that we went on three dates, but
we just walked around the city. We were too young to have any significant amount of money; so we couldn’t pay for date things. After less than a month, it was over, but afterward, I knew that I liked boys and men.”
“How did the relationship end?”
“He denied that we were dating when one of my friends asked him about being my boyfriend. His denial was both upsetting and embarrassing. I can’t stand being embarrassed like that.”
Lucas held out the last bite of the cake on his fork for me to take. I blushed. It was a sexy thing to do, and it was polite, too. Leaning forward, I slid the cake into my mouth with my lips and teeth. He reached out and touched my thigh under the table while I chewed.
Before I could swallow the cake, Lucas said, “I have an idea! Let’s have one more race before you go back to college. It’s not very late. I’m sure the ribbon is open.”
I whispered, “I’m so full.”
“We can take our time getting there. The extra time will let our food digest, but I want the chance to win. You owe me that.”
I didn’t doubt that Lucas could beat me if he wanted to win. I wanted to cuddle up somewhere in his arms, but his sister’s apartment and my family’s hotel suite were out of the question. I decided that a race on the skating ribbon was the next best option. I nodded and said, “Okay, I’ll give you a chance, but you have to promise not to cry when I win.”
Lucas laughed, and he squeezed my thigh. Turning his head, he whispered in my ear and said, “You’re going down.”
It was a beautiful winter night outside. The air was still and felt crisp and sharp. The tiniest of snowflakes drifted gently downward sparkling in the lights of the city. The skating ribbon was not as busy as the first time we raced. I was relieved because it would be easier to avoid colliding with any of our fellow skaters.
Lucas didn’t wear a cap to the Decorated Hog, but he pulled the orange cap with a poofy ball on top out of his coat pocket as we stepped up to the booth to rent skates. I asked, “Do you like the color orange?”
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