To us.
To me and Crosby.
“Josie,” Kait said with a smile that was a mile wide.
That didn’t help matters.
“Kait,” I said. I looked at Crosby. “This is my sister-in-law. Kait.”
Crosby was quick to offer his hand. “Nice to meet you, Kait. I’m Crosby. I’m a friend of Josie’s.”
“Friend,” she said with a nod. “A sweaty friend.”
“Oh, yeah,” Crosby said. “I’m secretly in love with Josie and when I get near her, I sweat like crazy. It’s why she won’t go out with me.”
“Asshole,” I whispered and elbowed him in the ribs.
He jumped and coughed.
“And she hits me,” he said.
“Interesting,” Kait said.
“Oh, Christ,” I said. “Crosby was out on a run. That’s all. No big mystery here.”
“No need to get defensive,” Kait said. “I was just going out for a walk. And I came to say hello.”
“Hello,” I said. “I think Crosby was just about to pick up his run again.”
“Sounds about right,” he said. “Finished my smoke, so now I run.” He put his hands together and nodded toward Kait. “Namaste.”
My jaw almost hit the ground when I saw the look on Kait’s face.
Crosby started to laugh.
He slipped an arm around me and gave me a quick side hug.
“It was nice to meet you, Kait,” he said.
“You too, Crosby,” she said.
He then took off, charging down the street with impressive speed.
I really had no idea how he ran the way he did. Or why he actually ran. Maybe he cared about the way he looked, but I had a hunch that that wasn’t the case at all. The mystery boy that lived across from me was now the mystery man. All I knew was his name and a couple of other little things that didn’t matter all that much.
Once Crosby was out of sight, I had to deal with Kait.
“What?” I asked her.
“Nothing,” she said. “Nothing at all.”
“Oh, please. I can see smoke coming out of your ears.”
“Well…?”
“Well, what?”
“Come on, Josie. I don’t just want to be your sister-in-law. Okay?”
“Oh, jeez,” I whispered. “Okay. I didn’t mean to offend you. Sorry.”
“You’re not offending me. Who was that guy? He’s hot.”
“Hot?” I asked. “You’re married.”
“Yes. And happily so. Madly in love with your brother. At what point does teaching yoga mean I can’t look at a hot guy and make a comment?”
“Wow,” I said. I touched my forehead. “Okay then. Yeah. Crosby is hot.”
“Killer hot,” Kait said. “I mean, his shoulders… and arms…”
I reached for my cigarettes and offered the pack to Kait. “Do you need one of these to relax?”
“Oh, stop it,” she said with a laugh. “How do you know him?”
“It’s a strange story.”
“Walk with me then. Tell me.”
“Sure, why not,” I said. I let Kait lead the way. “He actually lived next door to me when I was much younger. I never knew who he was though. And we kind of just randomly bumped into each other. I don’t know. It’s a weird story. We kind of looked at each other and realized we knew each other.”
“See? That’s how the universe works. You put out that energy and it comes back.”
“What energy did I put out?” I asked.
“Something about your past. Maybe you were thinking about Denny. But look what happened.”
My stomach twisted at the mention of Denny’s name.
“I don’t know about that, Kait.”
“I’m being serious,” she said as she touched my arm. “He’s in your life for a reason. Then and now. What was it back then?”
“Back then? I didn’t even know his name. He was just some kid that lived across from me. I was going through a rough time and went to live with my aunt. I painted pictures in my room and he would sometimes sit outside and play his guitar.”
Kait turned so fast in front of me, I walked into her.
“Did you paint when he wasn’t playing guitar?”
“What?”
“Answer the question, Josie.”
“I don’t remember.”
“Did you paint better when he was playing guitar?”
I opened my mouth and let out a sigh.
I knew where this was going.
“Kait…”
“That’s the reason,” she said. “He was meant to be there back then because nobody else believed in your painting but you. That’s what it was. You met someone who was into the art stuff too. Just musically. And now, all these years later, it’s the same thing.”
“How is it the same thing?”
“Call me crazy all you want, Josie, I don’t know. But he’s feeling the same way you are in life. That’s why you two have met up again. This is amazing.”
“Kait, stop,” I said. “Stop. He goes for a run. He stops to have a cigarette with me. Then he keeps running. That’s it. It’s something small and stupid, but I enjoy it.”
“Okay,” she said. “You enjoy it.”
Kait grinned and I realized I had just played into her hands.
We finished our walk around the block and I tried my hardest to not make it look obvious that I was looking for Crosby.
He was fun to talk to. He was fun to flirt with.
And if by some dumb chance Kait was right, then it would be nice to know someone who was like me.
But like me was a dangerous thing.
I was still getting over the man I loved… whose heart I planned on breaking… but who died before I could tell him how I really felt.
9
LETTING IT HAPPEN…
THEN
Josie
I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to feel wrong about things that had happened. Everyone I knew had been messing around with certain stuff as a teenager. I thought that was just part of growing up. But my parents took it too far.
It was a miracle that they allowed me to stay with Aunt Sarah for a little while. I guess they trusted her to either talk to me about certain things or maybe they wanted to scare me. I wasn’t as dumb as they thought. They wanted me to see Aunt Sarah living poor so that I would never want that kind of life.
Here’s the thing…
Aunt Sarah was happy.
She didn’t care about the size of her apartment or the way it smelled. She appreciated every day of her life and every breath she took. She knew that one day would someday be her last, just like everyone else in the world. To her, it wasn’t worth planning because you were simply wasting the present.
On top of all that, it was so quiet and relaxed there.
She gave me my own room and told me to paint away. She told me I could do anything I wanted. If I wanted to drink, smoke, get high, anything.
All I really wanted to do was paint. And read books. And sleep.
As long as I kept up with my schoolwork, there was no reason I would have to deal with my parents again. This wasn’t a forever thing. I knew that. But the time I had at Aunt Sarah’s house, I was going to enjoy the heck out of it.
I walked from the kitchen to my bedroom and flicked on the light.
There was a bed, nightstand, lamp, and a makeshift easel made out of boxes, pieces of thin wood, and clothespins. It was kind of embarrassing to look at, but Aunt Sarah told me if something did its job, how could it be wrong?
My eyes looked to the curtains.
Aunt Sarah liked see-through curtains, which was a little weird to get used to.
However, in my room, there was a little bit of a payoff if things went the right way.
I slowly peeled open the curtains and I saw him.
I gasped and blushed.
He was the cutest boy I had ever seen in my life.
He lived right next to me.
&nb
sp; In a different house-slash-apartment building. But so close that if we both reached our hands out, we could probably touch fingers.
Oh, he was so cute though.
His clothes were always baggy. His hair messy and down over his ears. He was in need of a haircut but never got one. His lips were thin and made me wonder what they were like to kiss. His eyes were super dark, like he was really mean, but he was never mean to me.
Well, to be fair, we never talked. Ever. Not once.
If I opened my window, it was a sign for him to play his guitar.
I thought it was really cool that he played guitar.
He wasn’t all that good at it, but still… it was cool.
I wasn’t a great painter by any means.
It was like we both sucked at the one thing we enjoyed. And we did it together, but without talking or judgment.
Everything about him was this total mystery and sometimes I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, I would paint about it.
The boy became my inspiration.
I would paint the balcony he sat on. I would paint him playing his guitar. I would paint the strings of the guitar, all twisted and winding, like a long, lost road.
Tonight, I just stood there and stared at him.
He was in a dirty white chair and he had his feet up on the balcony railing.
He turned his head and saw me.
He gave a head nod.
I did the same back.
He strummed a chord.
He stared at the neck of the guitar, looking at his fingers as he moved them to another chord. When he strummed that one, it didn’t sound so good. So, he tried again, this time sticking out his tongue, fully concentrating on hitting all the notes.
I slowly smiled.
This was happiness for me.
Music, art, painting… a cute boy playing guitar for me.
I would sometimes stay awake in the dark at night and think about him. Think about asking him what his name was. Or if he would meet me out front. We could go for a walk and talk about things. Just get to know each other.
I was too nervous to do it though.
He really lived here. I was just visiting.
A boy like that… in this neighborhood and this life…
It was scary.
When he looked at me again, he stopped playing. I watched his mouth move as though he wanted to say something to me. My hands shook a little as I leaned at the window.
I wanted to hear his voice.
I wanted him to hear my voice.
Only he didn’t speak. He strummed the same chord again.
I backed up and took a seat at my makeshift easel.
I painted a picture of lips. And messy letters all around. Letters that made up words… but they couldn’t be contained to make up those words.
The cute boy next door wasn’t my first crush. He wouldn’t be my last crush either.
But he definitely made me feel stuff I’d never felt before.
10
LETTING IT FEEL SOMETHING…
NOW
Crosby
Jonny showed up to my house just as I was getting ready to head out for another run. With one bag thrown over his shoulder, he threw another bag at me, hitting my legs. I didn’t even try to catch the bag as it fell to my feet.
“You’re an asshole, man,” Jonny said.
“So, I guess I shouldn’t offer you a beer?” I asked.
“Paid trip,” Jonny said. “Jackie wants us there in person. Nashville, man. A free trip to Nashville. We go there. We drink all we want. We get into a bigger studio. Show off a little. Meet the band Jackie’s pushing…”
“Save it,” I said. “I don’t need to meet anyone, Jonny.”
“Why?”
“I promise you, we’ve already met them before,” I said.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. Four guys in their early twenties. They all look the part to make women’s hearts throb. The lead singer is the best looking, obviously. Decked out in all kinds of jewelry. All the way down to the bassist, who will sit there barefoot and quiet, like he doesn’t know why he’s even there. Just waiting for someone to tell them what song to play and what line to sing and how to cash the check.”
“Hey, brother, we cash the checks, not them,” Jonny said.
“I’m not going.”
“I already packed for you.”
“You packed for me?” I asked.
He kicked the bag. “We’re all set. All you wear are jeans and plain t-shirts. And then you change to work out. Which, by the way, I made sure our hotel has a state-of-the-art gym so you can still work on your bod.”
“My bod?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Isn’t that what you fitness freaks call your body?”
I curled my lip. “You don’t know shit about me, Jonny.” I hooked my foot under the bag and kicked it back at him. “Believe me, just leave it be.”
“You’re going to skip Nashville… for what? To sit around here? To go on three hundred fucking runs? You write such good music, man. And you have a chance to have everyone lick the lint from between your toes.”
“I already talked to Jackie,” I said. “He knows I’m not coming.”
“So that’s it then?” Jonny asked. He folded his arms. “I’ve gotten to know you, Cros. And I know you better than you think I do. I can say shit right now that would set you off.”
“Then say it, Jonny. You think we’re friends, right? So, say whatever you want.”
“I know why you do this to yourself,” he said. “Why you punish yourself. You write all these songs and never care enough to play them for people because you feel like you don’t deserve it. And running… you’re just running from it all. Hoping to never come back. But you always come back because you’re meant to do this. What happened to your nephew was tragic. It was a tragic accident, Cros. And that’s the word that’s hardest to accept. The word accident…”
I stepped out onto the porch and had a handful of Jonny’s shirt. I drove him back to the right pillar on the porch. I looked down at him, my teeth gritting tight enough to shatter.
Jonny had the balls to say something like that, and to stand there, ready to take a punch from me for opening his mouth about a situation that nobody else in the world understood but me.
“What time do you fly out?” I asked.
“Three hours from now.”
I pushed away from Jonny. “Safe travels, man.”
“That’s it?” he asked.
“I have to go do something,” I said and stepped off the porch.
Before he could say another word, I started to jog.
At the end of the street, I broke out into a full run.
The strange part - if there could be one on top of everything going on - was that I had no idea which house she lived in. I always met her at her car. And she told me she parked down the street from the house because she didn’t want her niece to see her smoke.
It was sweet, yet still made her this kind of bad ass woman.
“You’re late,” she said, already smoking as I came to a stop next to her.
“Had a business thing,” I said.
“Business thing?” she asked.
“Yeah. I’m supposed to be flying to Nashville.”
“What? Right now?”
“Soon enough,” I said. “But I couldn’t miss my favorite smoke of the day.”
“Are you being serious right now, Crosby?” Josie asked me.
I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t feel like going.”
“Are you supposed to go?” she asked.
I lit my cigarette and turned to lean against her car. “Enough talk about me. How’s your hippie sister-in-law?”
“Probably doing a yoga pose over a jackfruit.”
“What the hell is a jackfruit?” I asked.
Josie laughed. “Look it up.”
“Wait, that’s a real thing?”
She nodded. “It’s this massive fruit that
can be used to replace meat.”
“Replace meat with fruit,” I said. “Wow. I have so much to learn from you and your family.”
“Hold up now,” Josie said. She touched my arm. “I don’t think anyone needs to learn about me or my family.”
“Ah,” I said. “So that’s your way of telling me to keep this thing at your car?”
“I never said that. You want to come inside right now?”
“Why don’t we start with why you live with your brother.”
“That would ruin my smoke break.”
“Why do you need a smoke break?” I asked.
“Why do you?”
“It gives me a reason to talk to you,” I said.
“Please,” she said. “Don’t start that flirty stuff with me.”
“I can’t help it near you, Josie.” I stepped away from her car and turned to face her. “So, what’s the deal?”
“Why? Do you only date women who have their own places or something?”
“Dating? Is that what we’re doing right now? Are these dates?”
“I’m not sure,” she said, her cheeks flushing red. “Would that matter?”
“No. But it’s good to know.”
“Why’s that?”
“Well, if I decide to go on this business trip, I should probably get you something, right? Maybe a coffee mug?”
“Or a keychain,” she said. “I mean, if we were really close, then a shirt. But I don’t even know where you live…”
“Oh, that’s easy to get to,” I said. “Two miles away, Josie. I live nestled away on a dead-end road. Rose Street. Can’t miss my house. Second one on the right.”
I winked at her as I took another drag of the cigarette. I didn’t even care about the smoke at that point. I was hooked on her. My eyes locked to hers, picking out all the little features that her amber-brown eyes had to offer. Like the way they seemed to change color in the sunlight. They could be super dark, or super light. They could have a hint of yellow or orange, almost like a smooth, honey color.
“I’m sure your life didn’t go as planned, right?” she asked me.
“No, it didn’t, Josie,” I said. “I don’t think anyone’s life does.”
“Except my brother’s. Corey had his shit figured out from day one.”
“And you were the rebel, huh? That’s why you were sent away.”
Getting Over You Page 7