“Meadow?”
“Some boy said he was my boyfriend in school.”
I raised my eyebrow. “Oh?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s not how it works, Meadow. A boy just can’t tell you he’s your boyfriend.”
“Oh, I know that,” Meadow said. “I’m my own woman. I take care of myself.”
I smiled.
That was Kait’s influence there. Which was good.
“So, what’s the problem?”
“How do you know if you like someone?”
I let out a slow breath and sat back down on the bed. “Well, you just know. If you have to question it…”
“How do you know with Crosby?”
“He makes me happy. When I see him, I smile. He says nice things to me. About me. He does things for me.”
“Like what?”
“Well, today, for example. He knew I was painting at the park. So, he brought me a coffee.”
“So, I should wait for Jeff to bring me a coffee?” Meadow asked.
“Not necessarily,” I said with a laugh. “Stick to what you know, Meadow. You’ll know things when they happen.”
“Thank you, Aunt Josie,” she said. “I mean, Jeff is okay. He’s not very smart in math. I need a man who can use his brain.”
Meadow rolled to her side and I stood up.
She made my head spin.
I couldn’t imagine her as a teenager.
“I love you, Meadow,” I whispered. “Sleep tight.”
“Love you too,” she said.
Downstairs, Corey was at the dining room table, tinkering with some project for work. Kait was in the kitchen, preparing food for the next day. I made a minute of small talk and slipped out the back door and walked to the guesthouse.
I opened the nightstand drawer and took out the engagement ring Denny’s mother gave to me. I stared at the glistening diamond. My life would have been something so different than right now. If Denny had lived and he asked me to marry him and I said yes…
It made me jittery.
I closed the box but didn’t put the ring away.
Instead, I went to my closet and took out the paintings I did of Denny.
I needed to let go. I needed to say goodbye.
For good.
The entire scene felt like I should have had Crosby next to me. Pulling up to the house and parking in a spot that left me somewhat hidden, but not needing to walk a mile to get to the front porch. Lucky for me, the porch light wasn’t on or anything.
So, I carried the paintings and the ring right up to the porch. There were a couple of lights on in the house, but I stayed as quiet as I could. I leaned the paintings against the house and placed the engagement ring box in front of them. I had the paintings turned around, so Paula wouldn’t be shocked to see her son’s face when she came outside. Of course, when she turned them around, she’d understand. She’d see Denny. She’d know it was me who painted the pictures. And she’d have the ring back. To do whatever she wanted with it.
I wasn’t going to carry it around anymore.
Denny would forever be a part of me. A memory that would grow distant by the day. I loved him then. And in a way, I loved him now. Not being able to break up with him always ate at me, but the truth was maybe I wasn’t sure if I would have done it anyway. I would never have the chance to face that moment again. That moment was gone and that’s what I wanted it to be.
Gone.
I walked from the porch to my car and instead of driving back home, I drove to Crosby’s house.
When he opened the door, I didn’t expect to feel the rush of emotions that I did. Saying goodbye to a man I loved who hurt me, then saying hello to a man who I loved who took care of me.
“Josie,” he said.
“I’ll tell you everything later,” I whispered.
“Everything what?”
“I just said goodbye for good,” I said. “And I need to know that you are my forever. No fucking around, Cros.”
Without so much as a second passing between us, Crosby slipped his hand around to my back and he pulled me inside his house and against him.
His other hand touched my face. “I never believed in forever until I met you, Josie. And not that bullshit cliché forever that I write songs about. I’m talking about the real forever. The kind that makes me want to pack this house up and find somewhere new to live with you. Just you and me and the rest of our lives. With all our crazy dreams, all the crazy heartache. And with all the time we have together, knowing that it can’t last forever, but yet we somehow fucking believe in it.”
Every single word was what I needed to hear. And what I needed to feel.
I jumped up into his arms and Crosby shut the door behind me.
The rest of the world could stay out there.
We gently kissed.
I looked into his eyes and could sense something.
“What’s wrong, Cros?” I whispered.
“There’s something I want to show you, love.”
34
A PLACE TO SAY I’M SORRY…
NOW
Crosby
I knew there would be a time when I’d have to face it all.
Not get drunk. Not smoke until my lungs burned. Not run until I couldn’t breathe. Not lift until my body refused to move.
This was much different.
This was the truth that waited for me.
Out there in the stillness of the water of the lake where I lost Nicholas. Out there where so many people spent time in the summer, most never knowing what happened. And hell, for that matter, Nicholas wasn’t the only one…
The lake was a quick and cheap place to go hang out.
As teenagers it was cool to be up there and hope to see girls in their bikinis. Then try to be the tough guy who could do the craziest move off the dock into the water. And if everyone stuck around long enough, once it became dusk, you might have the chance to slip your arm around a pretty girl and sneak a kiss.
Then time did its thing, flipping around, meaning I then went to the lake as an adult. As Uncle Cros. As the guy who packed up sandwiches or bought hoagies. The guy who made sure there was water and juice boxes. The guy who would spend hours in the sand and the water, playing any and all games to make Nicholas smile.
“Are you sure about this?” Josie asked me.
“I’m sure,” I said.
The lake was closed after dark, but there was no way to actually close it. The gates were closed, but anyone could climb over or under the gate.
I held Josie’s hand tight as we approached the water.
The reflection of the moonlight danced on the water. The symphony of crickets echoed all around, along with the bellows of the frogs.
I stopped walking and stood there, my heart feeling hollowed out.
“Cros,” Josie whispered.
“It’s okay,” I said. “I haven’t been here since it happened. It’s…”
I cleared my throat.
“Well, then tell me about him. About everything.”
“I wish you could have met Nicholas,” I said. “He was fast. Smart. Funny. He created this world around him that anyone would have been lucky enough to walk in just once in their life. I was there the night he was born. Noah was halfway across the state working overtime. So, I was there. He was my little buddy. Fuck, he was more than that. He was my everything. I loved hanging out with him. He had so much life. I believed in him. And I wanted to take care of him. Of Cindi. Of everyone. I wanted to do so much… and instead, I lost everything.”
I took a deep breath.
The sadness turned into anger.
And the anger wasn’t good.
The same dock was still there.
That old piece of shit wood just floating out there in the water.
“I’ll never know what really happened,” I said. I cleared my throat again. “He knew better than to go out there. That was the rule. The one fucking rule. You do not go on that dock without an adult. Cindi ha
ted him out there at all. She hated me for taking him out there. I was just trying to be the cool uncle and the pain in the ass brother to her. I didn’t think any harm of it. That’s the way it went with us. She was overprotective, and I pushed the limits. That’s how it worked.” I looked at Josie. “That’s how it’s supposed to work, love.”
“I know,” Josie said. She squeezed my hand even tighter. “I’m the same way with Meadow. Kait is protective. And I’m the cool aunt. I give the best advice. I let her stay up late. I let her eat junk food.”
“Yeah, well, I let my nephew drown in a fucking lake,” I said. “While his father was home, high on pills because of his back. And his mother was waiting tables to try and keep the mortgage payments on time.”
“Oh, Cros…”
I pulled my hand away from Josie’s.
“I can’t say it like that though. It wasn’t their fault. It was my fault. It didn’t matter what anyone else was doing. I was supposed to be watching him. And I always did. I never took my eyes off him. Ever. Not once. But that song…”
I sucked in a breath as I took a few steps toward the water.
“Cros,” Josie said.
I put my hand back to keep her away.
This was me. This was me facing the lake.
This was me facing what had really happened.
When I crouched down and my fingertips touched the dirty sand, I shut my eyes.
Do you believe in monsters, Uncle Cros? Like lake monsters? I do. They are real. That lake has at least one good monster in it. I know it. There’s no way a lake like this doesn’t have a monster in it. I know it. I just hope whatever the monster eats is good enough to make it not eat us. Do you think it’ll eat us, Uncle Cros? I don’t think so. Maybe we should figure out what monsters don’t like to eat and have that with us.
His voice was always full of life. Sometimes squeaky. Sometimes annoying. But that’s the way a kid was supposed to be. A big heart and a bigger imagination.
My fingers dug into the sand as my teeth clenched tight.
I stared out to the water.
It never made sense.
It never fucking made sense.
He knew better than to go out there.
And he knew how to swim.
He wasn’t a professional swimmer, but still.
I remembered when he first started coming to the lake with me and Cindi, I wanted him to go take swimming lessons. There was a place offering lessons two times a week at night and on Saturdays. I offered to take him. Noah said no. Noah said the best way to learn was to just jump in the water and hope to survive.
I shut my eyes again.
It was easy to blame others. It was so easy…
I growled in my throat.
When I felt something touch my shoulder, I hurried to stand up.
I turned my head and didn’t give a damn that tears were in my eyes.
“Crosby, what can I do?” Josie whispered.
“Nothing,” I said. “That’s the worst part. There’s nothing you can do.”
She put her head to my arm as I stood there.
Uncle Cros, you have to check this out. I dug a deep hole. I mean, deep. I’m pretty sure it’s close to China. I don’t want to fall in. I mean, it’s small though. But still. It has to be a few miles deep. Can we write a note and put it in there? And maybe some kid on a beach in China will dig and find my note.
I swallowed hard.
That deep hole was maybe a foot deep, if that.
But even still, I helped Nicholas write a note and put it into the hole. He covered it with sand and was so excited that someone in China would find it.
“Cros, I know it’s probably the wrong time to say this,” Josie said, “I really suck at these things.”
“At what?” I asked.
“I faced everything,” she said. “Everything, Cros.”
“Everything?” I asked.
“I took the paintings and the ring… and I dropped them off at Paula’s house.”
“Paula?”
“Denny’s mother.”
“Oh,” he said.
“I don’t know why I’m telling you this right now. Maybe because this is the place where you lost so much too. I’m sorry for telling you like this. I just… I hate to see you in pain, Cros. But I understand your pain. I can’t say that you shouldn’t feel pain. I just hate to see it.”
“You’re the only thing that is holding me together, love,” I said. “You came into my life and just…”
“Technically, you came into my life,” she said. “I was minding my own business.”
She made me smile, even if it was just for a quick second.
I reached for her hand again. The rough particles of sand rubbed against our fingers and palms.
“I wish I could go back just one time,” I said. “So I could do it again and save him. So I could pull him out of the water and carry him to safety. I would have gotten hell for a long time about it. But he would have been okay.”
“I know,” Josie said. “I know, Cros. But you know that’s not how it all works. Even though we want it that way so badly. We wish for it so hard, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing will ever change… the truth.”
I moved away from Josie again.
She was right.
No matter what I did in my life, what happened would be there.
I looked around and felt an almost collapsing feeling in my chest.
The way the moon hit the water against the backdrop of the giant mountain made the lake look so serene.
I stepped back and stepped out of my shoes. I reached down and stripped my socks off.
“Crosby?” Josie asked.
I stared forward at the water.
With one hand, I ripped my shirt over my head.
I emptied my pockets of my keys, money, and cellphone. Just dropping them to the ground.
“What the hell are you doing?” Josie asked.
“Facing everything.”
The water had the same feel and taste to it. You were never sure if the water was actually okay to swim in or not. It was very much different from a swimming pool or the ocean. But it was still fun to swim in.
Not now.
Not then… not on the day Nicholas fell in and couldn’t save himself.
My head bobbed up and down into the water as I threw my hands and arms with incredible strength. I kicked my legs hard, thinking of every mile I ran after Nicholas was lost. And I felt the same sinking feeling in my heart and stomach that I felt that day when I knew I wasn’t going to get to him in time. The gasps of breath and the way my body hurt so much, trying so hard to save him.
I was bigger now. I was faster now. I was stronger now.
I swam with purpose.
When my head shot up out of the water, I let out a cry each and every time.
It was dark, the water was cool, and it was all but fucking terrifying to be in the water. I didn’t believe in monsters or anything dangerous in the lake, so I just kept going.
I knew the exact spot where it all happened.
That’s where I swam to.
The seconds ticked away in my head and when I reached the spot, I stopped swimming. My lungs burned, and my shoulders ached. But I was there. With plenty of time to spare. Which meant if it was that day, then Nicholas would be in my arms. I’d have him above water. I’d swim right to the dock and put him on it. I’d get out of the water and check on him. Then I’d yell at him for doing something so stupid. Then he’d cry because he’d be afraid - of the water and me. Then I’d hug him tight and I’d cry, but I’d make sure he’d never see a tear.
But none of that mattered.
There was never a chance of that happening.
He was gone.
I wasn’t.
I floated in the lake, realizing that.
I turned and looked to the shore to see Josie standing there, a hand at her mouth.
“Josie,” I whispered. “I love you.”
Right the
re in the middle of the lake, alone, I faced my pain and let myself go…
35
INTO THE NOW…
NOW
Josie
It was silent as he swam to the shore and came out of the lake. He grabbed his stuff off the ground and walked to his truck. Water dripping off his skin. Just staring forward. All I could do was be there for him. Understanding what he went through and what happened after. It wasn’t just about the loss of his nephew. It was everything after. The way he punished himself, wanting to have that one chance to try again, which would never come.
He drove home shirtless and when he got out of his truck, he waited for me and took me by the hand as he led the way into his house. That’s where he let my hand go and walked to the fridge to get a beer. It was almost as though he were a zombie as he walked by me, his eyes glazed over, going up the stairs. I waited a minute or so and then I heard the sound of water running.
Crosby was in the shower.
I walked up the stairs and followed the sound to the bathroom door, which was partially open. A sliver of light tempting me. I stepped forward and pushed the door open. A cloud of steam wrapped around me. The mirror was already starting to get fogged up. The shower had a frosted glass door, meaning I could see the jagged silhouette of Crosby as he stood there in the water.
I slowly shut the door behind me, trying not to make my presence known.
I took a deep breath in and when I exhaled, it was shaky.
There was the man I loved. The man I truly cared for. He had thrown my entire life off its rails, which was a good thing. I had been like a train under a Christmas tree, just going in the same circle, over and over, telling myself things would change. And then there came Crosby.
I took my clothes off, feeling nervous.
I moved to the shower and gently slid it open and stepped inside.
I shivered when I saw the back of Crosby’s body. The thickness of his shoulders and the definition of his back. The way his body cut down to his firm ass and down to his powerful legs…
I had to bite my bottom lip for relief.
I’m not in here for that…
I inched forward and reached out.
My hand touched his back and I pressed my fingers into muscle.
“I’m here, Cros,” I whispered. “I’m always going to be here.”
Getting Over You Page 25