He pulled my legs apart, making me wind them around him. He trailed kisses down my neck. I arched my back towards him, which made him clutch me tighter. Pools of desire were coursing through me. I could feel the sudden wetness spill out of me. I wanted him so badly I could barely think straight.
He feverishly ripped my panties off, hitching my skirt up. And then, he was inside me. Thrusting and straining, grinding my butt into the desk.
It felt so good, like he was made to be inside me. I arched my hips up into him, making him thrust harder, and deeper. I could feel myself building, slowly, slowly. His breathing was ragged, and I could feel the rhythm increasing. I could tell that it wouldn’t be much longer for him.
And then, it happened. He started moaning, and I could feel the contractions enveloping me. It was so exquisite I cried out, making soft groans. We rode out the final spasms together, both collapsing onto the desk, his head on my chest.
The afterglow was intense. I closed my eyes, trying to return my breathing to normal. He moved off me, straightening his clothes. I sat up, pulling my skirt down.
What now?
“That was amazing,” he breathed.
“Was it?” I didn’t know what came over me. Maybe a desire to wound, before I would be wounded. Reject him, before he rejected me.
“Amber, what’s wrong?” He frowned, reaching for my hand. I stepped back.
“Well, nothing at all!” I found my panties, putting them on quickly. I pointed to the papers and pens on the floor. “You should pick up all of that stuff, Finn. Your secretary might walk in and surprise you.”
I ran a hand through my hair. My heart was thumping, uncomfortably.
“Have a great trip,” I said, picking up my handbag and walking to the door.
“Wait.” He looked at me, as if he couldn’t believe what I was doing. “You’re leaving? Like this?”
“Like what, Finn?” I looked at him, my eyebrows raised. “Like a fake fiancée should? Or someone you occasionally have sex with? Or as the nanny? I just can’t keep it straight in my own head, all the different roles you want me to play.” I smiled, widely. “See you when you get back.”
I slammed the door on his stunned face, running to the stairs. I would rather run down thirteen flights of stairs than have him follow me to the elevator. The tears came as I ran, blinding me.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
How had I made the same mistake, again? It was like my body had a will of its own, around him. Like I couldn’t control it. How many times must I learn the lesson?
He wasn’t interested in having a real relationship with me. He just wanted a woman who would pretend to be his fiancée, and who would also have sex with him now and again. Oh, and take care of his child. It was as simple as that.
But I just couldn’t do it, anymore. It was hurting too much. He would never love me. And I realised now that I couldn’t accept anything else. Better to be alone, than only have a part of him. Better to be on my own, than continue this charade a second longer.
I never knew love could hurt so badly.
Finn
I ran after her but she was gone. She mustn’t have waited for the elevator.
She had decided to run down thirteen flights of stairs, instead. She really didn’t want me to follow her. I leaned against the wall near the elevator, trying to think. What should I do? I could pursue her, but the timing was all wrong. I really did have to catch that flight to Sydney; a car was due to pick me up in half an hour, to take me to the airport. Not only that, but I was travelling with some other work colleagues, Bryce included. I simply couldn’t get out of it.
I walked slowly back to my office. Paper and stationery were strewn on the floor; I really hadn’t cared, when I had wiped the desk clean, so that I could make love to her on it.
I still tingled at the thought. It had been amazing. Amber was so sexy. I wondered how I had managed to keep my hands off her these past few weeks. We had a sexual connection that was real.
But she wanted more. Was I capable of giving it to her? Or was I a broken, cynical man, destined to spend the rest of my life having affairs, but never committing to anyone? My life a shrine to my dead wife.
Erin wouldn’t want that. She would want me to find love, again. I would get this trip out of the way, then I would sit down with Amber.
I didn’t want to lose her. I knew that.
***
It was dark when the car pulled up at the house in Toorak, the next night.
It had been a whirlwind business trip; a dinner with some potential investors, then the day spent negotiating. Meetings all over Sydney. I was beat, but I knew that I had to find the energy to talk to Amber. I had to lay my cards on the table, with her.
I walked into the house. All the lights were off. I flicked some on, frowning. It was only eight thirty at night. Amber would usually be awake, although Lilah would be in bed.
Lilah. I should go and see her, give her a kiss. It was my habit. I was rarely home in time to say goodnight to her, but I always gave her a goodnight kiss while she slept. I opened her bedroom door. The night light wasn’t on. And there was no Lilah in her bed.
I felt a wave of panic wash over me. Had she become ill, and Amber had taken her to the hospital? Why wasn’t she in bed? I ran through the house, checking my phone as I went. No, there weren’t any missed calls or texts from Amber.
I knocked quickly on Amber’s bedroom door, then opened it. She wasn’t here. The bedroom was neat, the bed still made. I walked quickly around it. Then I opened her wardrobe, a sixth sense telling me what to expect.
All her clothes were gone. And so was her suitcase. I ran back through the house, running from room to room as if the answer might suddenly emerge.
And there it was. An envelope, propped up on a vase on the kitchen table. It had my name on it. I ripped it open, scanning it quickly.
Dear Finn,
I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore.
I know that we signed a contract. I’m willing to lose the sum that you promised me. It’s just become so difficult. I can’t pretend that there is nothing going on between us anymore, and I can’t be a sexual diversion for you while you work out what is going on in your life.
Lilah is safe. I brought her to your parents, saying that I had a family emergency.
I’m returning to the States. My flight leaves tonight. I need to go home, and think through what I want to do with my life.
Again, I’m sorry. But it’s the way it must be.
Amber.
I crumpled the note in my hand. Jesus, what was she doing? I didn’t think. I grabbed my keys, running back through the house.
She hadn’t said when her flight was leaving. It would take me roughly half an hour to get to the airport. It was kind of surreal; I had only just come from there.
I didn’t think as I drove. I just knew that I had to get to her. Before it was too late.
***
I manoeuvred the car into the short-term parking bay, running to get to Departures. I scanned the flights board. There were two flights, leaving for the States that night. One was bound for New York. The other was San Francisco. That would be the one she would be getting on.
I had time, the gates hadn’t closed, yet. But it would be dependent on whether she had gone through Customs already, or if she was still checking in. I got the name of the airline, running to the check in kiosks.
There were people milling around everywhere, of course. My heart was in my mouth as I scanned the crowd. Was it too late? Had she already gone through Customs?
And then, I saw her.
She was wearing an old pair of jeans and a yellow sweater, her chestnut hair in a high pony tail. She was sitting in a chair, staring at the ground. I could see her boarding pass in her hand.
My heart leapt. There she was.
Amber
I sat in the chair, thinking through what I was about to do.
I had acted so impulsively, I still couldn’t b
elieve that I was here. About to leave Australia and my life here behind. I had been so upset after leaving Finn in his office that day, but I still didn’t have an idea of what I was going to do. I was very confused. Then, I had done what I always did when I was upset and feeling confused. I called Cara.
I just wanted to speak to her. I needed a friend. She had picked up immediately, overjoyed to hear from me. But she had known straight away that there was something wrong. I had tried to hedge around the issue, but she knew.
“Come home,” she told me. “You sound really upset. Maybe being away from him will clear your mind, and you can decide what you want to do. You can stay with me, Amber, until you decide. You know you are always welcome.”
I had been non-committal, and ended the call. But then, I had got online, searching flights. As luck would have it, there was one for San Francisco that night. I didn’t think. I booked it. I then had to arrange to get Lilah to her grandparents, and pack quickly. It had been such a whirlwind.
I had cried when I had written the note for Finn.
But I was also determined. He wanted a fake fiancée, to keep Lilah. He also wanted to have sex with me, when it suited him. But I was in love with him, and it simply hurt too much. I knew he was a mess after Erin’s death, and wasn’t sure if he was ready.
But I couldn’t wait around for him to get his shit together. He might never. And in the meantime, I would be eating my heart out for him, and getting sadder because he could never commit to me.
He had been right. Getting close had made things way too complicated.
I should have known better.
***
Not long, now. I had already checked in. I just had to walk through the Customs gates, and I would be on my way. Why wasn’t I doing it? Why was I sitting here, staring at the ground, boarding pass in hand?
Then I looked up. Oh my God.
It was Finn, staring at me. He had a wild look in his eyes, and he was breathing heavily, as if he had been running. He slowly walked up to me.
“Amber,” he whispered. I stood up, as if in a dream.
“Why are you here?” I whispered back.
“Don’t leave me.” He looked at me, tears in his eyes. “I couldn’t bear it. I’ve been so stupid. I’ve only just realised that I’m in love with you.”
“You love me?” I breathed.
He nodded, slowly. “I’m an idiot. I should have known, before now. I think I’ve been fighting it. It was just so hard, to open my heart up again. After what happened with Erin.”
He pulled me into his arms, caressing me. “I just know that I couldn’t bear to lose you. The thought of you getting on that plane, and flying out of my life, drove me crazy.”
He tilted my face up to him, staring into my eyes. “I love you, body and soul, Amber.”
“I love you, too,” I whispered. “It had just become too painful, once I realised. I couldn’t stay here, pretending to be your fiancée and fighting my feelings.”
“You love me?” He looked at me, then grabbed me, twirling me around. “You love me!”
He set me back down on the ground. He took my face in his hands, and kissed me, long and hard. I responded, ardently. We forgot where we were, for a moment. The sound of clapping brought us back to reality. We looked around, dazed. People were staring at us, smiling and grinning.
“How romantic,” said a woman, to her companion. We smiled back, a bit sheepishly.
“Let’s get out of here,” he said. “I don’t know about you, but the next thing I want to do with you shouldn’t be done in a crowded airport.”
I took his hand, not fully believing what was happening.
“Let’s go home,” he said.
***
We turned the central heating on as soon as we got inside, and he poured us both a drink. He wouldn’t stop touching me, as if he couldn’t believe that I was actually here.
“It’s fate,” he said. “If I had have been half an hour later, I would have missed you. You would have boarded that plane and be flying out of my life.” He shook his head. “Oh, Amber. I couldn’t have borne it.”
“I think it is fate,” I said. “I had my boarding pass. There was no reason why I hadn’t walked through Customs. It was like I was waiting for you, without even knowing it.”
He leaned over me on the sofa, kissing me passionately. It was like we needed to do it, to seal our connection. We had almost lost each other. It had been so close.
We made love like we were drowning, and the other was the only thing saving us from going under. I never knew such passion could exist. When he was inside me, it was like coming home.
A home I never wanted to leave.
Afterwards, as we lay in each other’s arms, he sighed.
“Amber, I need to say this.” He stroked my face. “I know what I want, now. It has never been clearer to me. But I don’t want to stop you from living your dreams. If you want to return to the States, and finish your studies, you should do it. I will provide you with the money you need.”
I looked at him. “You would do that for me?”
He nodded. “I would. We could relocate to the States, the three of us, while you do it.”
My eyes shone with tears. “Finn, you have given me a gift. But let’s not decide, for now. There are law schools in Australia. That’s always an option.”
He smiled, tenderly. “Either way, Amber my love, I want you to be my wife. For real, this time.”
“Is that a proposal?” I smiled at him.
“It is.” He got down on one knee, looking up at me. “Amber, will you be my wife?”
“I will be your wife,” I answered, slowly. “Nothing would make me happier in this world.”
He kissed me. “I think we should go shopping, tomorrow. For an engagement ring. A real one.”
I smiled, looking down at my hand. “Oh, Finn, you don’t have to do that. I already have one.”
“You do,” he agreed. “But that was given out of convenience. I didn’t even pick it. This time, I want us to go together, and we can choose a ring which we both love.”
“Okay,” I said, smiling.
I couldn’t believe it. My fake fiancée was now my real one. I couldn’t wait for our life to begin. With Finn, my one and only love, by my side. Forever.
***
The End.
Epilogue
Cara
I was shocked as I cleared Customs, walking into Arrivals at Melbourne Airport. There was a throng of people pressed against the gate, jostling signs and shouting. It really unnerved me.
I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. It had been a long, long flight. Amber had told me, of course. But the information obviously hadn’t entered my brain. I had just crossed two time zones and I felt as if I was a zombie, like I had never slept and would never sleep again. I had never experienced jet lag this bad before.
I scanned the faces in the crowd, confused. Then, I suddenly saw her.
Amber. My closest friend, smiling brightly, jumping up and down. I steered my luggage trolley through the throng towards her.
“Cara! You’re here!” Amber threw her arms around me, almost knocking me to the ground. “What was the delay? I’ve been waiting over an hour!”
“Beats me,” I shrugged, returning the hug. “We didn’t take off on time from Singapore. That might be it.” I looked my best friend in the face. “That was brutal, Amber. The longest flight of my life.”
Amber laughed. “I did try to tell you.” She paused, carefully looking at me. “You look beat. Do you want to have a coffee before we go, or do you want to get straight home? I imagine you just want to hit the sack.”
“Coffee,” I declared. “I want to chat with you, alone, before I meet your beloved. It’s been so long.”
We found a café in the airport, sipping our lattes as we watched the world go by.
“So.” I stretched, feeling the caffeine hit my bloodstream, revitalising me. “Tell me everything! When is the we
dding?”
Amber gave me all the details, her face betraying her happiness. “I’m so glad you came. I wouldn’t want anyone else to be my bridesmaid. And you will love Finn, and Lilah, of course. I can’t wait for you to meet them.”
“Neither can I,” I said. “Wow! I can’t believe that you are about to get married. And to an Australian! What am I going to do, with my bestie living on the other side of the world?”
Amber frowned. “I don’t want to think about it. I will miss you so much. But you’re here now, that’s all that matters.”
Amber’s cell phone suddenly started vibrating on the table in front of us. She picked it up, mouthing to me that it was Finn. I zoned out while Amber took the call. It wasn’t just the long flight. My mind was in a whirlwind, thinking over all the problems I had left behind in San Francisco.
My medical studies, which I didn’t think I could continue. I had hit a wall, unable to work the long hours of an intern and still work my part time waitressing job. I had felt I was on the verge of a collapse.
Then Amber had called, begging me to come to Australia to be her bridesmaid. I had jumped at the opportunity. A break was definitely what I needed. I had to think long and hard about where my life was going.
Amber ended the call, looking at me in surprise. “That was Finn,” she said. “He was calling about his best friend, Bryce. You know, the one I was telling you about? Turns out Bryce has landed himself in some hot water. One of his old girlfriends has suddenly died.”
“Why has that landed him in hot water?” I asked. “Did he kill her?”
Amber laughed. “No, of course not! Bryce is a pussy cat. He might think he’s the playboy of the Western world, but inside, he is a softie. No, it turns out the ex has a child. And the child is Bryce’s! He had no idea. He is absolutely shocked.”
“What’s he going to do?” I sipped my latte.
“He doesn’t really know.” Amber frowned. “But Finn thinks he will take his son in. What else can he do? But it’s a bit of a dilemma. He works from dawn to dusk, plus he’s just taken a secondment to work on the Gold Coast, in Queensland. He’s going to need some help.”
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