She gave a nod.
“And who was the second?”
She found it hard to breathe, to utter those words that will make it true. “Daniel. He’s gone.”
Dr. Vogele scribbled on her pad. “Can you tell me what happened from the start of the relationship?”
Olivia shook her head, unable to bear thinking about the beginning, and risk reliving the entire wonderful, doomed affair. So she began from the beginning of the end, speaking of the day when Daniel had asked her to flee with him and ending with his mysterious disappearance from the ballet.
“And you said you’d go with him, even though you weren’t sure he loved you?”
“At the time, I was sure he did. At least, on some level. He’s not the kind of guy who lets people get close to him. So when he said he cared about me, I believed him.”
“And now?”
She thought back to the crumpled goodbye note that sat at the bottom of the trashcan in her bathroom. “He said he left for me. For my own good.”
“And you don’t believe him?”
“I don’t know anymore, Kara. I mean, how can deserting me be for my own good?” She cleared her throat. “Anyway, I went to his apartment again this morning, because I thought it might have been just a dream, but it was still empty. And then I had a panic attack right there in the middle of his living room. I really thought I was dying.” She clamped her mouth shut and stopped short of saying that she was actually disappointed when she’d continued to breathe.
Vogele wrote furiously for a few moments then earned her steep hourly rate by asking, “Are you having suicidal thoughts, Olivia?”
It took her a while to summon a reply. “I’m not actively trying to kill myself, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“And passively?”
Olivia blinked slowly, her eyelids suddenly becoming heavier. “I don’t know.”
“If someone came along and tried to kill you right now, would you stop them?”
“I don’t know.”
The doctor leaned close once again, concern written all over her middle-aged face. “Olivia, this worries me. You realize that this is not healthy, don’t you?”
She took a deep breath and imagined coating her heart with a candy shell, but no matter how hard she tried, the hurt would not remain contained inside. “I can deal with it, Kara.”
Dr. Vogele was silent for a long time, not writing, just considering Olivia through her brown horn-rimmed glasses. Finally, she said, “You don’t always have to deal with it on your own, Olivia. That’s what I’m here for. You don’t have to be composed all the time.”
“I do! I have nobody but myself in this world.” She bit the inside of her cheek. “I have to take care of myself. I can’t be weak like her.”
Dr. Vogele sighed and took off her glasses. “You’re a lot like your mother, Olivia. But the one thing you are not is weak. You know that.”
“And what if I am?”
“You’re not. I know that for a fact.” She paused. “Did she ever tell you that she used to see me as well?”
Olivia shook her head, her breath coming faster at the memory of her mother, at the very idea that she, too, needed a psychiatrist. “No. She and I didn’t talk a lot in the last year of her life. We were both just so busy. I didn’t know she was struggling…”
“You have to let yourself off the hook, Olivia. It wasn’t your fault she committed suicide.”
Olivia closed her eyes, unable to verbalize the thoughts in her head. She was only equipped to deal with one crisis at a time. To stave off another panic attack, she pictured Daniel at the foot of the Chrysler Building, his eyes boring into hers as he’d kissed her forehead.
Please don’t change your mind, he had said, looking as if he genuinely couldn’t bear to live without her.
Dr. Vogele put her glasses back on and retrieved her writing tools. “Okay, let’s change the subject. What about Daniel. What would you say to him if you saw him right now?”
The corners of her eyes began to sting and she knew that the tears would flow if she didn’t try and tune out all tender thoughts of Daniel. She took a deep breath and eyed her therapist steadily. “I would tell him that he is a bastard for leaving me behind.”
“But remember, from the beginning, you said he wasn’t someone you could keep around for long. You knew he wasn’t going to stay.”
“Yes, I said that.” Yet she had foolishly held onto the hope that Daniel might have been the one person who would stop and linger amidst the revolving door of people in her life. “I was stupid to get my hopes up.”
“Is there anything else you would say to him?”
Olivia nodded, battling the tears that blurred her vision, making her see the world in nothing but shades of charcoal. “I would tell him that he made a mistake in leaving because, if he returns, I won’t be that same person he abandoned.”
Olivia laid her head on the back of the couch and, with her eyes closed, tried to commit to memory each word they’d said, each kiss they’d shared, wanting to remember him as he was; the secretive, formidable, passionate force of nature that left as quickly as he came. And, though it took a while, by the time the tears dried into nothing but tracks of salt on her cheeks, she had finally found the will to seal away those memories.
She felt a tiny shift inside and by the time she opened her violet eyes, she could say with some certainty that she would recover in time. But no, she would never again be that same hopeful, naive person that Daniel Johnson willingly left behind. She had changed, he had made sure of that.
So heaven help him if he ever decided to come back.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Wilette Youkey is a daydreamer who was born in the Philippines, raised in Australia, and now calls the United States home. At the age of ten she penned a short story inspired by a Judy Blume novel and has been unable to stop writing since.
She has lived on four different continents and most recently inhabited a 240-year-old castle in rural Germany owned by a Graf. She now resides in California with her husband, two daughters, and a mini schnauzer.
Her stories are drawn from dreams, fantasies, music, and trips through airports. Apart from her lifelong affair with words, she also loves graphic design, singing in the shower, Dunkin Donuts, and working out.
If she were a comic book character, she would be called Shorty Smalls and would have the uncanny ability to grow several inches on command.
Visit www.wiletteyoukey.com for more information on upcoming projects, news, and short stories.
Look out for the sequel to The Origin,
due for release in 2013.
THE FORSAKEN
She can never be the same person again…
Olivia King’s life was transformed with one touch from Daniel Johnson. And now that he’s gone, she must learn to deal with the lasting repercussions without losing herself altogether.
The Origin Page 26