Destiny (Waiting for Forever)

by Mayfield, Jamie

  “Hey, man,” Corey said when I reached the Jeep. Emilio opened the door and motioned for me to hop in the back with Brian. Climbing into the back, I sat as close to the door as I could and fastened the belt.

  “Hey,” I said to the group in general and watched with apparent interest as Emilio climbed in. If I didn’t look at Brian, I wouldn’t feel that overwhelming urge to either kiss him or crawl into his lap.

  “Jamie,” Brian whispered and leaned over toward me. I panicked, pulled away, and tried to shrug him off.

  “Steven works in the building. He could be watching us,” I replied furiously, and immediately Brian sat straight up in his seat. I seriously doubted that he was, but the excuse worked to distance myself from Brian.

  “Let’s just go,” Corey said, and I heard a note of frustration in his voice. I didn’t know if the frustration was directed at me or Brian, but I didn’t say anything. Once he’d thrown the Jeep into gear, he pulled smoothly out into traffic. I looked back at the building and thought about what would happen if Steven had seen us. The fear and the drugs made my heart slam against the inside of my chest, and I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down. I hated feeling scared to breathe.

  “Jamie, are you okay?” Brian asked. I heard the concern in his voice. I finally looked over at him, and aside from the tan and the leaner physique, he looked just like I remembered, just like I dreamed. When my eyes met his, I couldn’t answer. I’d never been a good liar, especially with Brian. I couldn’t tell him I was fine, because I wasn’t. Instead, I just said nothing.

  As we pulled onto the highway, he reached between us and wrapped his hand around mine. He didn’t say another word until we pulled into the drive at the studio. For nearly twenty minutes, we simply sat in the back of that Jeep holding hands like nothing had changed. Mostly, we listened to Emilio and Corey, whom Emilio called “Mike.” Brian chuckled a few times at their bickering, like an indulgent brother, but never joined in.

  Alex waited on the porch, and I wondered if it was because he was waiting for me, or if he just couldn’t stand being inside. The guys gave him such a hard time. He seemed to clash with them like oil and water, maybe because he tried too hard to fit in or maybe because the guys took their lead from Brandon. Brandon and Alex were polar opposites and probably couldn’t agree on the time of day if asked.

  With catlike grace, Alex sprang off the porch before the Jeep had even stopped. He waited, bouncing on the balls of his feet, while we all got out. Rather than going into the house, Mike and Emilio stopped next to Brian when he waited for me.

  “Hey, Taylor,” Brian said and smiled at Alex as Mike and Emilio stood nearby and waved.

  “Hi, Brian, and actually, it’s Alex,” Alex told him before walking right up to us and pulling Brian into a hug. I heard him whisper something to Brian, who smiled at him. “Guys, Julio has everything set up in the backyard to do some stills. They have burgers and chips and stuff for after. We should go back so they can get started.” Without waiting for Brian, Mike, or Emilio, I nodded and followed Alex as he walked around the well-manicured corner of the big house toward the backyard. Music blared as we approached, and the babble of voices got louder.

  “Nick! They’re here,” Brandon shouted over the grating female voice on the radio. I didn’t recognize the song, but the singing was painful. Mike, Emilio, and Brian followed us around to where about fifteen guys were hanging out around the pool. A couple were holding huge white shades that I knew were used to help with the lighting.

  The yard went quiet as Nick turned off the radio and called for our attention.

  “Okay, guys, let’s start with some action shots. There’s a football over there, with a volleyball and a couple of Frisbees. Play around for a while and let us get some nice, sweaty pics,” Nick said with a loud clap of his hands, and the guys wandered over to the sports equipment he’d indicated. Brandon grabbed the football and got Brian, Mike, and Josh to join him in a game. Emilio picked up the volleyball and started hitting it to two guys I didn’t know. Alex found one of the Frisbees and threw it to me. I nearly missed it as I watched Brian pulling off his tight T-shirt. The light caught in his hair, and he looked simply beautiful.

  “Hey, stop staring and play catch with me,” Alex teased with a smirk and waited for me to throw the neon-green Frisbee. I rolled my eyes and let it sail on the air toward him. Nick and Julio snapped pictures for the next hour, stopping to give us specific instructions or position us. My stomach burned when I saw Mike with his arms around Brian’s waist in a mock tackle for the camera. A few minutes later, Julio had Mike and Emilio stand on either side of Brian, each with an arm thrown around his shoulders. My heart nearly stopped at the beautiful smile on Brian’s face. Genuine and natural, he was probably happier than I’d seen him since we had been together back home.

  “I have to hit the john,” I told Alex and stormed into the house. The door slammed behind me, but I didn’t pay much attention. Taking the stairs two at a time, I walked into the green room and took several deep breaths. The room spun as I tried to get myself under control, and I put my head in my hands. I couldn’t keep up the pretense much longer. For the last few months, I’d been able to come here, do my job, and force myself not to feel. I’d buried my emotions so deep that the people around me just figured I didn’t have any. With Brian here, I couldn’t do it anymore. Being around him, seeing him, made me feel everything so strongly. At that moment, all I felt was pain.

  “Jamie?” Brian asked from behind me. I didn’t turn around because I didn’t want him to see how out of control I was.

  “Go back downstairs, Brian,” I said in the calmest voice I could find. It sounded cold in my head, but at least it wasn’t trembling.

  “Is everything okay?” That goddamn patient concern was still there, and it infuriated me. I didn’t understand how he could still care about me, still want me after everything he’d seen.

  I turned around and felt the rage breaking the surface, like the ocean during a violent storm. All I could see was Mike’s hands, every other guy’s hands on him.

  “No, Brian. Nothing is okay,” I growled at him, and my heart broke a little when he flinched back a step. “Now go back to your real friends and leave me the hell alone.” I wanted to tell him it was killing me to see him with those other guys, that I wished it were me he was laughing and joking with, that it was my arms around him. That would make it hurt worse, and I couldn’t hurt any worse or I’d break.

  “You are my real friend,” he said, and his voice was smaller. It reminded me of the day I told him I loved him for the first time. He’d seemed so small as he sat on his bed, devastated after he saw me kissing that girl. Just like that day, I could see it clearly in his face: he thought I didn’t love him anymore. The pain in his expression cut through me like a hot blade.

  “Fine, if you won’t leave, then I will,” I said and strode to the door, not daring to hesitate. If I paused, even for a moment, I would pull him into my arms and beg him to forgive me. Bringing up an image of Steven’s rage-filled face gave me the strength to walk out and not turn back. I’d give my life to save Brian from Steven’s anger, but I was trying desperately not to let it come to that.

  Not stopping as I bounded down the stairs, I passed Mike, who was on his way up, no doubt to check on Brian. He looked angry and sped up, starting to take the stairs two at a time. Damn it, I wished I could just get him to understand, get them all to understand that Brian was far better off without me in his life.

  The sun hurt my eyes as I walked back outside to find Alex sitting next to the pool naked. With one foot dangling in the water, he reclined back, propped up on one elbow. The other foot rested on the side of the pool while he slowly stroked himself, fluffing for another shoot.

  “Nick asked about you,” he said quietly as I approached. “I told him you went to the bathroom.”

  “Thanks. I just needed a minute,” I replied and started to strip. When I had first started doing these shoots,
I had felt incredibly self-conscious about being naked outside in front of all the guys. It still bothered me, just like our stripping appearances did, but over the last few months it had become easier to separate myself from it.

  “I saw him follow you in. Did you talk?” Alex whispered as I sat down next to him on the side of the pool. Sighing, I shook my head.

  “It’s not that easy. You know what Steven is like. There’s no reason to lead Brian on. He should get on with his life and forget about me.” I stared morosely into the depths of the pool and waited for Alex’s response, but he didn’t say anything. I glanced up and saw that he was staring over my shoulder. Turning, I saw that Mike was stalking toward us, and he looked furious. I didn’t see Brian.

  I felt more than naked as he reached us and knelt next to me fully clothed. I felt inhuman, like a pet at his master’s feet. His hands opened and closed convulsively, like nothing in the world would please him more than punching me in the face.

  “Why are you doing this to him? Why don’t you just cut his heart out instead? It would be faster than slowly torturing him,” Mike said in a quiet but deadly voice. I couldn’t believe he thought I would hurt Brian for some perverse pleasure.

  “It doesn’t have anything to do with you,” I replied, trying to stay calm. If things got out of control, I couldn’t afford to lose my place with the studio. I worked for a couple of other studios when they called, but the work for Hartley was steady, and it kept Steven happy.

  “The hell it doesn’t. He’s my friend, and you’re screwing him over!” A few people looked over to see who Mike had growled at. Alex started to stand, but I put my hand up to stop him. It didn’t need to turn into a pissing match.

  “I’m not screwing him over. If he doesn’t get on with his life and forget about me, he could get hurt, and I don’t mean his feelings. Steven O’Dell has put me in the hospital, and he says he loves me. What do you think he’d do to a guy who wanted to take me away?” I asked him quietly. No one needed to know about my former relationship with Brian. Things would be simpler for both of us if it stayed a secret.

  “He’s hurting so much. Brian thinks you don’t love him anymore because he’s doing porn, that he makes you sick. It’s tearing him up. He’s not sleeping, and he drinks but barely eats. You’re going to save him right into being an alcoholic,” Mike said and then stood up. “Give him something, anything, or it’s going to kill him.” He walked away without another word, passing Nick and Julio who were coming over to take pictures. Alex handed me a bottle of water, and I drank deeply, trying to get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach.

  It turned out to be a very long afternoon.

  BRIAN was another addiction. As hard as I tried to stop myself, I went back to the library the very next Monday and went straight for the computers. Little bits and pieces of Brian sat waiting for me in my inbox, and I wanted to savor them all. I’d spent the entire week going over that first e-mail in my mind. I remembered Father Matt. He had fed me and let me sleep on the floor even though the shelter was full. If those guys hadn’t tried to roll me, I might have stayed there a few days. I might have accepted his help to get on my feet. But I was small and scared and a couple of guys decided they wanted what little I had for themselves, so I ran.

  I waited impatiently for the web page for my e-mail service to load, entered my username and password, and reordered my mass of e-mail to find the only name I wanted to see. The original e-mails were there, as well as a new one. Since I’d already done the laundry and started dinner in the Crock-Pot, I had all afternoon to sit and read, so I clicked the first e-mail, which was dated about a week after he would have gotten to San Diego.

  Jamie,

  I love you. It’s been killing me that I didn’t tell you that before you left, so I want to start with that. What your parents did shocked me so badly that I couldn’t really function. I know that sounds lame, but it’s the only thing that makes sense to me.

  I haven’t e-mailed you before now because I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me. Over the last year, I didn’t get a phone call or an e-mail, not even a postcard. I thought that maybe it was because I didn’t tell you that I loved you. But after I saw what the Sunshine Center was, I can understand that. If you’ve left that place and can find a way to get there, I’m staying at the Roadview Inn here in San Diego until I can find a place of my own.

  No matter what happens, I won’t give up until I find you.

  I love you more than anything,

  Brian

  I didn’t understand how he could think I wouldn’t want to hear from him. Of course, it wouldn’t have mattered if he’d sent the e-mails or not because I hadn’t had access to a computer while at the center, but I always wanted Brian. Those first few weeks in that place, I had thought I’d lose my mind. Brian had been a constant in my life for so long, and then I had nothing. My boyfriend, my best friend, even my parents had been taken systematically from me. I’d have given anything for Brian’s comfort.

  Going back to the e-mails, I clicked the next one. The date on the e-mail was the beginning of September.

  Jamie,

  I found a place in Hillcrest. God, it will be so perfect, it’s a boardinghouse full of guys like us. We can be safe here, happy, and start our lives. The guys here are so nice, it’s like a little family. That’s what Mike said when he offered to drive me out to the Sunshine Center to see if you were there. We’re a family and we help each other.

  A kid at the center told us about the delivery driver, and we found the guy. He told us where he dropped you off and we’re looking for you. I can’t stand the thought that you’re alone and scared. Please read your e-mail, we’ll come and get you wherever you are. I’ll take care of you, Jamie.

  I love you so much,

  Brian

  God, if only I’d have checked my e-mails when I had ended up on the streets. My life would have been very different. I never expected Brian to get on a bus and chase after me, especially since he was always so unconvinced of my love for him. The next short note had no greeting, no signature, and it made me hurt for Brian just to read it.

  Leo got a call today about a homeless man who had been murdered. I got so scared because I thought it might be you.

  Where are you?

  This is killing me.

  The next e-mail was even shorter, like he just couldn’t bear to keep writing when no one on the other end was listening.

  Hi Jamie,

  Happy birthday, baby.

  I miss you.

  Gone were the promises to find me and talk of how wonderful our life would be together. He seemed to have given up and lost hope. I clicked on the last old e-mail, and my heart broke.

  I’m cold and naked, shivering in the dark without the warmth and light of your love. I will keep searching for you and I will never stop loving you, ever. For the last year and a half it felt like my whole life was stolen from me. I feel empty and hollow without you.

  Mike and Leo keep telling me that I need to live, but what do I really have to live for without you? I know they want me to kick back and have fun. I even went out to a club with them a few weeks ago. It feels like everything has changed.

  I just can’t find a way to let you go.

  I glanced around the computer room at the library to see that I was alone and then wiped my eyes. I loved him so much, and it hurt to read the pain in his words. More than anything, I wished I could go to him and tell him that I loved him and that everything would be okay. Only, I knew it wouldn’t. He might think he could save me, but he was wrong, and I refused to let him suffer for it.

  I opened the last e-mail, the one sent in the last week.

  Jamie,

  I know you probably don’t want to hear from me right now, but I need to give you something. If you won’t accept help from me, please call the gay and lesbian center in Hillcrest and ask for Leo. I’ve told him about your situation, and he can help you.

  I love you,

  Brian />
  He had listed phone numbers for Leo and the gay and lesbian center, e-mail addresses and physical addresses, all in the hope I would find some balls and use them. I refused to let the hope kindle, because I knew I’d never use them. If I ran and Steven found me, he’d kill me. God, I hated being scared all the time, but Steven was right. I didn’t have a way out.

  With a heavy heart, I began systematically cleaning out my inbox, starting with Brian’s e-mails.

  NEXT to screwing guys on camera, stripping was one of my least favorite things in the world. Random, faceless strangers shoved money into my tiny jock with little regard for the pain it caused me. I’d gotten scratches, cuts, and even bruises from their overzealous tipping. What I hated most was knowing that, to them, I wasn’t human. I was just someone they wanted to nail. They didn’t know anything about Jamie; they only knew that Dylan was a hot bottom.

  Steven had dropped me off about half an hour early at Big Boy’s, a seedy club where a lot of the guys made extra money dancing for the crowd. We were there for a Hartley-sponsored party, and Nick wanted us to do one song each. I didn’t know when it would be my turn, so Steven said he’d be back to pick me up after he “conducted a little business.” I knew better than to hope he got arrested because then he’d just be pissed when he got out. He’d been arrested once before, and they didn’t even keep him twenty-four hours. Our justice system was screwed up.