Brian had given up everything for me.
He’d had the chance at college and a life, but he gave that up for me.
Brian did porn to be close to me.
After slamming off the water, I wrapped myself in a towel and headed for the closet, for the book that held my last few lines of coke. I didn’t want to think anymore. I didn’t want to hurt.
“STEVEN, Nick is not going to let me shoot like this,” I tried to reason with him on Saturday morning when he told me to get my shit together for the studio. My face was so bruised, cut, and swollen that I barely recognized myself in the mirror. The angry red burn from my navel up to my nipple had started to blister. Deep bruises littered my arms and back. I’d taken to sleeping on my side just to help with the pain because my stash and the aspirin had already run out.
“Then we’ll just have to make him see that it’s in his best interest, and yours, that you get paid,” he growled, and I knew better than to argue with him. My bad situation was about to get infinitely worse. No amount of makeup would cover the damage he’d inflicted over the last few days, and no way would Nick let me shoot when my body looked like a demilitarized zone. I couldn’t think of any way out, so I went to get dressed.
Steven hadn’t given me any drugs all week, so I was terrified he’d send me to the shoot in pain. My body hurt so bad, and I didn’t want to take the chance I would pass out at the studio and make Steven even more furious. I grabbed my clothes out of my dresser and checked the door. He still sat on the couch watching television, so with trembling hands, I searched his top drawer until I found two ecstasy pills. Without thinking about the consequences when he found them missing, I swallowed them dry and whimpered as I dressed quickly.
When I came back into the living room, I saw Steven had cut out three short lines of coke. He handed me a straw and looked at me expectantly. I’d only ever taken that much coke once before, and I’d already taken the E. For a moment, the fear of an overdose gripped me. Slowly, I realized death couldn’t be much worse than what my life had turned into. I took the straw and leaned over the mirror on the table. The first line went down smooth as silk. The second line burned my nose and throat, and I hesitated, swaying as the drugs started to make my body numb. The fear prickled again on the back of my neck.
“Don’t be a wimp. Do the last line,” Steven said, kicking the back of my knee so I went down in front of the table. “I don’t want any crap from you today. Do the goddamn line.”
The pounding in my head subsided as I pinched my nose and drew in the third line. A thick blanket of oblivion slid over my mind. I didn’t pass out, but my whole existence felt wrapped in gauzy cotton.
“Great, now get in the truck.”
AT THE studio, my body floated toward the front door as Steven half carried me from the truck. The door opened by itself, which I found strange, but then I stumbled into Alex’s arms. He caught me and held onto me as Steven pushed me away. The shock and horror on the faces of the guys around me registered dimly in my mind, but I couldn’t really process what it meant. Brandon stood back, looking angry, and Mike held Brian back. My Brian, always so sweet and so brave. I wanted to go to him, but I couldn’t make my legs work. My heart raced in my chest as if it was trying to get out, and my head spun. I watched as Brian pulled out his cell phone and left the room.
“Do something with him. He’s a mess,” Steven barked at Alex, who just stared. Exasperated, he added, “You know, make him up so he looks like a good little whore. At least cover the bruises and shit on his face. I need to go talk to Nick.” Steven sighed and left the room, and for several minutes, no one spoke. I just rested my head on Alex’s shoulder and didn’t look at anyone else. For some reason, it made me feel bad. I didn’t want to feel bad. I wanted to feel good, like the drugs were supposed to make me feel.
“Oh, baby,” Alex said, and I could hear the broken sound of tears in his voice. I didn’t know why he sounded so sad. I was high. I was happy. Everything was fine.
The drugs took me higher than I’d ever been, and for a while, I only heard snatches of conversation as I sat on the couch and Alex tried to fix my face. He kept pushing my hands away. Why did he do that? I felt like something was crawling on my face. I needed to stop it, but he pushed them away again.
“Twenty minutes….”
“Can he walk?”
“We need at least five minutes….”
“How the hell do we keep him busy?”
“He’s here….”
I didn’t know who the voices belonged to as I lay back with my head resting on the couch and tried to understand what they were saying. It was like I was underwater, only I wasn’t drowning. I felt warm and happy and safe in the water. I liked water. Dad used to take me swimming all the time when I was a kid. I didn’t know why that made me sad.
“He’s going to the john. We have to go….”
“Jamie, honey.” That voice was closer, and I opened my eyes to see Brian’s face above mine. “Do you trust me?”
Of course, I trusted him. He was my Brian. Brian would never hurt me. Brian loved me. I needed him. So I pushed my head through the cotton around it and nodded.
He took my hand, and we ran.
About the Author
A survivor of the ex-gay residential institution The Sunshine Center, fictional author JAMIE MAYFIELD went on to find his voice in novels. Always a great lover of books, Jamie found his passion as he began to pursue a liberal arts degree in creative writing. An avid reader, he’s a fan of gay romance, suspense, and horror—though not all in the same novel.
Jamie lives in San Diego with his fictional husband, Brian. He writes YA fiction as a way to let kids know that they have an entire LGBT family all around them. Above all, he wants them to know that they are not alone. It does get better.
Jamie Mayfield is a fictional character from the acclaimed Little Boy Lost series by female author J. P. Barnaby.
Website: http://www.JamieMayfield.com
Tumblr: http://JamieMayfieldYA.tumblr.com
Facebook: http://www.Facebook.com/JamieMayfieldYA
Twitter: http://www.Twitter.com/JamieMayfieldYA
Coming Soon
Waiting for Forever: Book Three
Brian McAllister and Jamie Mayfield have risked everything in a desperate escape and are finally together. Jamie is free of his tormentor… for the moment. But Brian and Jamie know that one wrong choice could lead him to their door.
The long, lonely hours in their safe house leave Jamie with nothing to do but think. He thinks about Brian, about the direction their lives should take. He thinks about his parents. Mostly, he thinks about drugs. Jamie wants to feel good again, forget about his self-hatred, and stop the gnawing cravings that prey upon his mind and body.
One moment of weakness may prove fatal for them both.
After being reunited with his father, Jamie attempts to put his life back together amid rehab, seizures, and the gutting loneliness of Brian’s rejection. As he tries to cope, he finds that relying on his friends isn’t as difficult as he’d imagined, and soon he can stand on his own feet. Jamie starts college, working to become the man Brian needs. Unless he earns Brian’s forgiveness and wins back his trust, their love will be sacrificed on the altar of Jamie’s demons.
Adapted from the award-winning Little Boy Lost series by J. P. Barnaby.
Coming Soon
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Now available from JAMIE MAYFIELD
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Also from HARMONY INK PRESS
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Also from HARMONY INK PRESS
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Also from HARMONY INK PRESS
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Also from HARMONY INK PRESS
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Table of Contents
Title page
Copyright
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Part Two: Fallen Angel Jamie’s Story
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Twenty-One
Twenty-Two
Twenty-Three
Twenty-Four
Twenty-Five
About the Author
Coming Soon
Now available from Jamie Mayfield
Also from Harmony Ink Press
Destiny (Waiting for Forever) Page 32