I nodded. That seemed to be enough.
When Noah pulled into my driveway, he got out of the car and strode quickly to the passenger door to open it for me. I gave him a look, but he interrupted me before I had the chance to speak.
“I like doing it for you. Try to remember so I don’t have to sprint every time.”
Every time. I felt strange as we walked up the brick path to my front door. Something had shifted between us.
“I’m picking you up tomorrow morning,” Noah said, as he brushed a strand of hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear. His touch felt like home.
I blinked hard, and shook my head to clear it. “But it’s out of your way.”
“And?”
“And Daniel has to drive to school anyway.”
“So?”
“So wh—”
Noah placed a finger on my lips. “Don’t. Don’t ask me why. It’s annoying. I want to. That’s it. That’s all. So let me.” Noah’s face was so close. So close.
Focus, Mara. “Everyone’s going to think that we’re together.”
“Let them,” he said as his eyes searched my face.
“But—”
“But nothing. I want them to think that.”
I thought of everything that would imply. Because it was Noah, people wouldn’t just think that we were together, but that we were together, together.
“I’m a bad actress,” I said by way of explanation.
Noah skimmed his fingers down the line of my arm and lifted my hand to his mouth. His lips brushed over my knuckles, impossibly soft. He looked into my eyes and killed me.
“Then don’t act. See you at eight.” He let go of my hand and walked back to his car.
I stood on the doorstep, breathless as Noah drove away. I turned his words over in my mind. Let me try. I want them to think that. Don’t act.
Something was starting between us. But it would finish me if it ended. When it ended, which would be soon, if Jamie was to be believed. Dazed, I went into the house, leaned against the back of the door, and closed my eyes.
“Welcome back.” I heard the smile in Daniel’s voice, even though I couldn’t see it.
I tried to regain my equilibrium because my brother was in it deep, and I was not about to let it go just because my insides were mid-quiver. “You have some ‘splainin’ to do,” was all I managed to say.
“Guilty,” Daniel said, but he didn’t look it. “Did you have fun?”
I shook my head. “I can’t believe you did that to me.”
“Did. You. Have. Fun?”
“That’s. Not. The. Point,” I said back.
Daniel’s grin widened. “I like him.”
“What does that have to do with anything? How could you tell him, Daniel?
“Okay, hold on a second here. First of all, the only thing I told him was why we moved from Laurelton. There was an accident, your friends died, and we moved to start over. You don’t have the monopoly on that explanation, so relax.” I opened my mouth to protest but Daniel continued. “Second, he’s a good guy.”
I agreed with him, but didn’t want to. “Other people don’t think so,” I said instead.
“Other people are usually wrong.”
I glared at him. “Moving on. Tell me what happened. Leave nothing out.”
“After our first day of school, I went to discuss my independent music study with the teacher and Noah was there. He composes, by the way, and he’s really freaking good. Sophie told me she did a few open mic nights with him last year.”
I thought of little blond adorable Sophie, and felt a sudden urge to kick her in the shins and run away.
“Anyway, when he found out my name, he asked me about you.”
I rewound my thoughts. “But I didn’t meet him until our second day of school.”
Daniel shrugged. “He knew you somehow.”
I shook my head slowly. “Why lie, Daniel? Why pretend not to know each other this morning?”
“Because, I surmised—and correctly, I might add—that you would flip out. But really, Mara, you’re overreacting. You were barely mentioned in our conversation. We spent most of the time discussing the Kafka-Nietzsche nexus and the parodic sonnets in Don Quixote.”
“Don’t try to distract me with your smart talk. You shouldn’t have gone begging for friends for me. I’m not that pathetic.”
“That’s not what I did. But even if it was, have you exceeded your friend quota here in Miami already? Is there something I missed?”
I stiffened. “That’s a dick thing to say,” I said in a low voice.
“You’re right. It is. But you’re always insisting that everyone treat you normally, so answer the question. Have you made any other friends since we’ve been here?”
I gave him the death stare. “Yes, actually.”
“Who? I want a name.”
“Jamie Roth.”
“The Ebola kid? I heard he’s a little unstable.”
“That was one incident.”
“Not what I’ve heard.”
I clenched my teeth. “I detest you, Daniel. I really do.”
“Love you too, sister. Good night.”
I went to my room and slammed the door.
When I awoke the next morning, I felt heavy, like I’d gotten too much sleep, but my head ached as though I hadn’t. I glanced at my clock. 7:48 a.m.
I swore and stumbled out of bed, rushing to put on clothes. But when I passed my desk, I stopped. A small white pill floated on top of a napkin. I closed my eyes and inhaled. I hated the thought of taking it—hated. But the art show debacle was scary, not to mention the bathtub incident last week. And I didn’t want to freak out in front of Noah again. I just wanted to be normal for him. For my family. For everyone.
Before I overthought it, I swallowed the pill and dashed out of my room. I collided with my father as he turned the corner, and sent the accordion file he’d been carrying flying. Papers scattered everywhere.
“Whoa, where’s the fire?” he said.
“Sorry—gotta go, late for school.”
He looked confused. “Daniel’s car’s not here. I didn’t think anyone was home.”
“A friend’s taking me,” I said as I bent to pick up the papers. I shuffled them and turned them over to my father.
“Thanks, honey. How’ve you been? I never see you anymore. Stupid trial.”
I bounced a little on my feet, eager to meet Noah before he got out of his car. “When is it?”
“Opening arguments in two weeks, with one week scheduled on the docket,” he said, and kissed my forehead. “We’ll talk before I leave for base camp.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“Moving to a hotel for trial prep.”
“Ah.”
“But don’t worry, we’ll talk before I leave. You go. Love you.”
“Love you, too.” I pecked him on the cheek and brushed past him into the foyer, slinging my bag over my shoulder. But when I flung open the front door, Noah was already there.
These were the things that added up to Noah that morning, from bottom to top:
Shoes: gray Chucks.
Pants: charcoal tweed.
Shirt: slim cut, untucked, thin and pinstriped dress shirt. Super skinny tie, knotted loose around his open collar, exposing the shadow of a screen-printed t-shirt beneath it.
Days unshaven: somewhere between three and five.
Half-smile: treacherous.
Eyes: blue and infinite.
Hair: a beautiful, beautiful mess.
“Morning,” he said, his voice warm and rich. God help me.
“Morning,” I managed to reply, squinting. From the sun, or from staring at him for too long. Flip a coin.
“You need sunglasses,” he said.
I rubbed my eyes. “I know.”
Suddenly, he crouched down.
“What are you—”
In my rush, I hadn’t tied my shoelaces.
Noah was now tying them for
me. He looked up at me through his dark fringe of lashes and smiled.
The expression on his face melted me completely. I knew I had the goofiest grin plastered on my lips, and didn’t care.
“There,” he said as he finished tying the laces on my left shoe. “Now you won’t fall.”
Too late.
When we pulled into the school parking lot, I began to sweat despite the blast of the air conditioner. Dark clouds had filled the sky during our drive, and a few splatters of rain hit the windshield, prompting teeming multitudes of students to bolt to the front gates. I was nervous—terrified, really—to walk into school with Noah. It was so public.
“Ready?” he asked, with mock seriousness.
“Not really,” I admitted.
Noah looked confused. “What’s wrong?”
“Look at them,” I said, indicating the hordes. “I just—everyone’s going to be talking about it,” I finished.
He half-smiled. “Mara. They’re already talking about it.”
That didn’t make me feel any better. I chewed on my lower lip. “This is different,” I said. “This is putting everything out there. On purpose. By choice.”
And then Noah said just about the only thing that could make me feel better. “I won’t leave you. I’ll be there. All day.”
He said it like he meant it. I believed him. No one seemed to care what Noah did at Croyden, so it was not a stretch to imagine him sitting in on my classes. But I’d die if it came to that.
Noah grabbed his blazer from the backseat, shrugged it on, opened my door, and then there we were, standing side-by-side as every stray eye turned in our direction. Panic constricted my throat. I looked at Noah to gauge his reaction. He looked—happy. He liked it.
“You’re getting off on this,” I said, incredulous.
He arched an eyebrow at me. “I like being beside you. And I like everyone seeing us together.” He placed an arm around my shoulders, drawing me closer to him, and my anxiety dissolved. Somewhat.
As we approached the gate, I noticed some guys loitering by their cars parked near the entrance. They all had the wide-eyed cud-chewing look in common as they turned to look at us.
“Dude!” A guy named Parker shouted to Noah as he jogged in our direction. Noah cocked an eyebrow at him.
Parker’s eyes met mine for the first time since I’d arrived at Croyden. “ ‘Sup?”
Did people really say that? “Hey,” I returned.
“So you guys are like—?”
Noah glared at him. “Go away, Parker.”
“Sure, sure. Hey, um, Kent just wanted to know if we’re still on for tomorrow night?”
Noah half-turned his head to look at me and said, “Not anymore.”
Parker looked at me pointedly. “That blows.”
Noah rubbed the heel of his palm into his eye. “Are we finished?”
Parker smirked. “Yeah, yeah. See you guys later,” he said, winking at me as he left.
“He seems … special,” I said, while Parker went to rejoin his pack.
“He isn’t,” Noah said.
I laughed until a voice from behind cut it off.
“I’d hit that.”
I kept walking.
“I’d hit it harder,” said someone else. Blood whooshed in my ears but I didn’t look back.
“I’d hit that so hard whoever pulled me out would become the King of England.”
Noah was no longer by my side when I turned. He had Kent from Algebra pinned against the car.
“I should injure you considerably,” he said in a low voice.
“Dude, chill.” Kent was completely calm.
“Noah,” I heard myself say. “It’s not worth it.”
Noah’s eyes narrowed, but upon hearing my voice, he released Kent, who straightened his shirt and brushed the front of his khakis.
“Get fucked, Kent,” Noah said as he turned away.
The idiot laughed. “Oh, I will.”
Noah whirled around, and I heard the unmistakable impact of knuckles meeting face. Kent was on the concrete, his hands clutching his nose.
When he started to get up, Noah said, “I wouldn’t. I’m barely above kicking the shit out of you on the ground. Barely.”
“You broke my nose!” Blood streamed down Kent’s shirt and a crowd formed a small circle around the three of us.
A teacher parted the throng and called out, “Principal’s office NOW, Shaw.”
Noah ignored him and walked over to me, inordinately calm. He placed his good hand on the small of my back and my legs threatened to dissolve. The bell rang, and I looked at Noah as he leaned in and brushed his lips against my ear.
He whispered into my hair, “It was worth it.”
34
THE TEACHER STOOD A FEW FEET AWAY. “I’M not kidding, Shaw. I don’t care whose kid you are, you’re going to Dr. Kahn’s office.”
Noah pulled back slightly and searched my face. “Will you be all right?”
I nodded. Noah’s eyes lingered for a moment longer before he kissed the crown of my head and sauntered off.
After a dumbstruck moment, I collected myself and walked through the gauntlet of eyes alone. I made it to English just before Ms. Leib began the lecture. She was giving us a review of her term paper expectations, but I was the one that had the class’s attention. Furtive glances were shot over shoulders, notes were passed among desks in a chain, and I sunk low in my seat, futilely trying to melt into the hard plastic. I thought of Noah in the principal’s office, answering for his chivalry. His dick-measuring display. Whatever it was, I liked it. Much as I hated to admit.
Noah appeared halfway through English, and a ridiculous smile transformed my face the second I saw him. When class ended, he took my bag and slung it over his shoulder as we walked out the door.
“So what happened in Dr. Kahn’s office?” I asked.
“I just sat there and stared at him for five minutes, and he sat there and stared back for five minutes. Then he told to me to try and learn to play well with others during my two-day suspension, and sent me on my merry way.”
My face fell. “You’re suspended?”
“After exams,” he said, seemingly unconcerned. Then he grinned. “That’s what I get for defending your honor.”
I laughed. “That was not for me. That was you marking your territory,” I said. Noah opened his mouth to say something but I cut him off before he could. “So to speak,” I finished.
Noah grinned. “I neither confirm nor deny your assertion.”
“You didn’t have to do it, you know.”
Noah shrugged lazily and stared straight ahead. “I wanted to.”
“Is it going to screw with your transcripts or anything?”
“With my perfect GPA? Doubtful.”
I turned to him slowly, just as we reached the door to my Algebra class. “Perfect?”
Noah smirked. “And you thought I was just a pretty face.”
Unbelievable. “I don’t understand. You never take notes. You never have your books with you.”
Noah shrugged. “I have a good memory,” he said, as Jamie appeared on his way into Algebra. “Hey,” Noah said to him.
“Hi,” Jamie said, and shot me a look as he slid past us.
If Noah noticed Jamie’s reaction, he didn’t mention it. “I’ll see you after?” he asked me.
The thought warmed me up. “Yeah.” I smiled, and walked into class.
Jamie was already at his desk and I sat next to him, dropping my bag on the floor with a thud.
“Much has changed since you last I saw,” he said, without looking at me.
I decided to make him work for it. “I know,” I said with a dramatic, exasperated sigh. “I cannot even tell you how much I am dreading exams.”
“Not speaking of that, was I.”
“Why are you Yoda-ing me this morning?”
“Why are you avoiding the subject du jour?” Jamie asked, filling out squares on his graph paper to form
a really weird picture of a fire-breathing dragon with a human arm.
“I’m not avoiding it, there’s just nothing to say.”
“Nothing to say. The lonely new girl is suddenly kickin’ it with Croyden’s hottest piece of ass, and there’s a sketchbook of Shawporn depicting this unlikely relationship? ‘Nothing to say,’ my tuchus.” Jamie still refused to make eye contact.
I leaned in and whispered to Jamie, “There’s no porn sketchbook. ‘Twas a ruse.”
Jamie finally looked at me and cocked an eyebrow. “It’s all a sham?”
I sucked in my lips, then bit them, then said, “Not exactly.” I wasn’t sure how to explain what had happened between me and Noah yesterday, and wasn’t even sure I wanted to.
Jamie turned back to his graph paper. “Well, at some point, you’re gonna have to break this down for me real slow-like.”
Anna interrupted my train of thought before I could respond to Jamie. “How long do you give it, Aiden?”
Aiden pretended to study me as he spoke to her. “The end of this week, if she gives it up. Otherwise, she might last a couple more.”
“Jealous much?” I asked calmly, though inside I was furious.
“Of what you’re going to go through once Noah’s done with you?” Anna said, her prim little mouth curving into a malicious grin. “Please. But he is an awesome lay,” Anna said to me in a stage whisper. “So enjoy it while you can.”
Anna sat back down, Mr. Walsh walked in the room, and I seethed quietly in my seat as I pressed my pencil down on my notebook very, very hard. My stomach soured at the thought of Anna acquiring that particular piece of information about Noah. Jamie told me they’d dated. But that didn’t have to mean—
I did and didn’t want to know.
When the bell rang, I got up from my seat and another girl in the class, Jessica, elbowed me as she walked by. What was her problem? My arm hurt and I rubbed it before picking up my textbook and notebook from my desk. As I made my way to the door, someone knocked them out of my hands. I whirled around, but no one around me looked particularly guilty.
“What the hell?” I muttered under my breath as I bent down to pick up my things.
Jamie crouched with me. “You’re unraveling the very fabric of Croyden society.”
“What are you talking about?” I shoved my things into my messenger bag with unnecessary force.
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