There were still nights when I wandered through the halls staring at memories scattered all over the walls reminding me of the life I had once shared with Ethan. The man I thought I had an eternity with. My heart still ached for him and I missed him every day, but Logan helped me heal and I felt my wounds closing tighter the longer he was around.
I was falling for him, and falling fast, and I wasn’t the only one. Maddie thought Logan hung the moon and loved spending every waking moment with him. There were times when I would question myself for allowing Maddie to give her heart to another so easily, knowing she could get hurt, but I was learning to let my instincts guide me and everything inside me was screaming that this was right. So I let her fall right along with me and took a leap of faith that we wouldn’t get hurt in the process.
“Logan, are you and Mommy having a play date tonight?” Maddie asked as the three of us sat around the fifties inspired diner sharing an ice cream sundae on a sunny May afternoon. This was one of Maddie’s favorite spots to come during warm afternoons. The waiters wore white uniforms and knew her by name. She loved to fiddle with the miniature juke boxes, making me read every song title and artist.
“Nope. Your Mommy is spending the evening with Leah doing super-secret girl stuff. I’m not allowed,” he teased as he scooted his spoon around the ice cream pushing the nuts to my side of the bowl. He hated nuts.
I stuck my tongue out at him, and he returned the favor, laughing. Maddie giggled at our childish behavior before digging out an enormous bit of strawberry ice cream and shoveling it into her mouth. She looked like a chipmunk storing food for the winter.
“Well, it’s not like you are going to be lonely. When does Declan’s flight arrive?” I asked.
Declan was a one of Logan’s friends since boarding school and was an up and coming actor in Hollywood. I’m sure Leah knew all about him, including his shoe size, his favorite type of food and who he was currently banging, but I had chosen not to mention his visit because he wanted to keep a low profile. As much as I loved her, Leah was anything but low profile. A Civil War film he was starring in and executive producing was scouting the area. Declan was here to follow up on a few possible locations the location manager had found.
Apparently production was his true love and acting was just something he fell into. Having looked him up online out of sheer curiosity, I could understand why. With a rock hard body and a bad boy image, Declan was seriously hot.
Since I was spending the evening with my best friend, Logan was spending some time with one of his. Although Logan didn’t look too happy about it. Something told me their relationship was strained and Logan would rather not being spending a night with his longtime friend. But he agreed anyway, and after picking him up from the airport, they were going to meet Colin for dinner and go do whatever else boys did for entertainment.
“He arrives in an hour, which means I need to head out,” he announced in answer to my question.
“Okay, have fun. But not too much fun,” I said with a quick wink before leaning across the table to give him a brief kiss goodbye.
“Promise,” He grinned, sliding out of the booth. Before leaving, he bent down to Maddie, ruffled her hair and gave her a quick tickle in the side, which caused her to laugh.
“See you later, princess.”
“Bye, Logan!” Maddie said before returning to the sundae.
I watched him as he disappeared out the door and walked to his car. He tossed on a pair of sunglasses and ran his hand through his disheveled hair before gracefully sliding into his car. Yum.
My attention returned to Maddie, who was currently shoveling ice cream in her mouth like it was her last day on earth.
“Hey! Leave some for me!” I said, pushing her spoon out of the way with my own.
She giggled again and we continued to eat the ice cream, talking about preschool and enjoying our time together for the rest of the afternoon.
“Okay, I think that’s everything Mom,” I noted, managing to haul the last of Maddie’s things into my parent’s house. Who knew a four-year-old required so much stuff for a sleepover? I swear I used to pack less when she was an infant. It took us forever to get here because we sat in her room arguing over how many stuffed animals she had to bring with her. We compromised on three, which was two more than I had wanted, but four less than she had originally requested.
“Okay, sweetie. I’ll take care of the rest. Just put it all in her room and I’ll make sure she’s washed and fed.” God, I loved my Mom. She was a saint. As soon as Maddie was born, my Mom turned one of the spare bedrooms of the house into “Maddie’s room” with pink and purple wall paper, gingham curtains, and a beautiful handmade quilt for the twin bed. Until she was old enough, there was a portable crib in there, but that was long since gone. Even before Ethan got sick, my Mom and Dad were always willing to take Maddie if we needed a night off. Both of them were retired, so I think having the chaos of a young one in the house gave them something to look forward to.
“Thanks Mom. I really appreciate this. Leah and I are looking forward to a night out,” I confessed.
“It’s no problem. You know I don’t mind taking her. For whatever reason,” she lingered, making clear she knew more than she was letting on.
“You know, don’t you?” I asked bluntly.
“Yes, Leah mentioned you were seeing someone.”
Annoyed at my mother and BFF for talking behind my back, I asked, “I swear, did you adopt Leah somewhere down the road, and I just didn’t know about it?”
“You know she’s always been like a daughter to us. But you are my actual daughter. You could have told me. Are you ashamed?”
“What? No! I’m not ashamed. I just thought...I was afraid you would be angry, or...feel betrayed,” I admitted.
I made the difficult decision to move on, but had my parents? It was still something I struggled over, and something I battled with constantly. But I didn’t give them the choice when I made my decision, and I didn’t know how they would react.
“Oh sweetheart, no. You loved Ethan more in the few years you had together than most people do in a lifetime. You gave that man everything and he gave you everything in return. But don’t think you are done because of it. Ethan died, yes, but you didn’t. When you married him, he became our son and I loved him more than I can say. His death hurt us all, but that doesn’t mean you should carry that sorrow forever. I want nothing more than to see you happy again,” she assured me.
My Mom always seems to know the right words to say and the exact moment to say them.
I nodded, letting the tears fall freely down my cheek. And just like she used to do when I bruised a knee or came home from school with another broken heart, my mom pulled me into her arms and held me. Her warm, familiar embrace gave me the comfort only a mother could.
“Does this man make you happy, Clare?” she asked softly.
“Yes Mama,” I answered, pulling back to look into her beautiful green eyes that mirrored my own.
“Do you love him?”
“I think so. I don’t know yet,” I answered honestly.
“Take your time, sweetie. Know your heart before you give it away.”
Later, as I was readying myself for a night out with Leah, my thoughts drifted to the conversation I had with my mom, and I found myself looking over at my nightstand, the keeper of my husband’s last words. I hadn’t forgotten the letter. I still pulled it out late at night when I needed to feel him close to me. When the memory of him felt too far away and I couldn’t quite remember the exact sound of his laughter or the way he looked in the morning when he’d just woken up, I’d touch those frayed edges and remember.
The familiar sound of the drawer sliding open calmed me as I once again pulled out the worn envelope and held it in my hands. I ran my hands over the cryptic message written on the outside, remembering the years I had with him and how suddenly it all had changed. We were supposed to have forever. I would have gladly spent every day of
my life with him, never regretting a single second. But he was gone and all that remained was me and Maddie....and an unopened letter. Taking one last look, I placed the letter back in the drawer, hoping one day I’d be ready for whatever lay sealed in that envelope. But it was not today.
“So, let me get this straight? It’s been three weeks since your super-hot and heavy date?” Leah practically shouted in my ear, trying to be heard over the crowds of people in the popular downtown bar we had chosen for the evening. Downtown was a madhouse on the weekends and I usually tried to avoid it, but Leah loved the crowds and the excitement. She said sitting back watching people make fools of themselves all night was the best free entertainment in the entire city. I personally would rather be home in my fuzzy slippers reading. But whatever. At least I looked hot.
I nodded, taking a sip of my drink. White Russian, yum.
“And you still haven’t had sex?” she asked, swirling her cranberry and vodka around with a straw.
I shook my head in confirmation.
“Wow, that guy must have balls of steel!” she laughed.
“Oh my God, you’re horrible. He said on our first date I wasn’t a casual fling for him and he wanted this to work. I’m letting him work through that, however long it may take.”
And good God, I was starting to think I might spontaneously combust if he waited any longer. For a guy known as a walking man whore, he had the patience of a saint when it came to me. Or so it seemed. For the last three weeks, he’d been the perfect gentleman. I would have thought he was losing interest if I hadn’t caught the heat in his eyes when he thought I wasn’t looking.
We had barely spent a minute alone in the last three weeks and I think it was part of his master plan. Having Maddie around meant he couldn’t jump me, so he kept her around like a sobriety sponsor. When Maddie wasn’t around we went someplace public. It was exasperating. The other day he came over to give Maddie a guitar lesson. It was the first time I’d heard him play. He was amazing, and also failed to mention he could sing. After fifteen minutes I was barely able to sit still, I was so turned on by his long, talented fingers strumming that guitar. I abruptly asked Maddie to take a few minutes and go play in her room and then I pounced, straddling him on the couch and kissing him with fierce passion. I thought I finally was making headway when his hands went under my shirt and cupped my breasts, but then he shot off the couch, panting, muttering something about a plan.
“See, you should have just taken my advice when you called home that night of your date. You would be sitting here a much, much happier woman,” Leah scolded.
I rolled my eyes recalling the conversation I had with Leah that night in the Bed and Breakfast. It took a full five minutes to convince her that there really was a downed tree in the road that was preventing us from getting home. She thought I was making some lame excuse for not coming home in order to stay the night with Logan. Finally, after she believed I was telling the truth, it took another five minutes for her to stop trying to convince me to sneak into his bedroom late that night, completely nude, telling him I was cold, and needed help getting warm. I had no idea where Leah thought this shit up. She must sit around, daydreaming pornographic scenes all day.
“No, I definitely shouldn’t have. I think it’s sweet. And I fully support him,” I said defensively.
“Uh huh, and how many times have you masturbated in the last two weeks?” she asked.
“Leah! I can’t believe you would ask such a question!” I snapped, feigning innocence.
She just looked at me, waiting for my answer.
“Fine. Every day, happy?”
“Not as happy as you, apparently.” We both laughed and raised our glasses, toasting to the countless times we’d spent together laughing and sharing our lives.
Our waitress continued to bring us rounds as we emptied our glasses. I think we were about three drinks in, and my head was starting to feel fuzzy, when she saw him.
“Oh my God. I think I just saw Declan James walk in. What the fuck would he be doing here, in Richmond?” she shrieked in excitement, hitting me on the arm to get my attention.
Oh shit.
Not good. So not good. She was gonna be pissed when she saw who he was with.
“And, what the hell? He just walked in with your boyfriend! Something you forgot to tell me, Clare?”
Crap.
Logan
So far, so good. We made it through dinner and no one seemed to notice Declan. Or me. Not that I was usually recognized outside of bars and clubs. It did help that he had a baseball cap pulled tightly around his head and dark glasses. The bar we just walked into, after dropping Colin off at home, was one he picked and I wasn’t too confident in his choice. It was packed, bodies pressed together, filling every square inch. But it’s what the guy wanted and I was letting him run the show.
Even though he hadn’t reached true fame yet, Declan was on his way. He played a supporting role in a movie last year that had created a lot of Oscar buzz, and now he was suddenly on the radar of every major director in Hollywood. But Declan was choosy. He refused to do a movie based on how much money or fame he could gain, and instead chose roles based on the script, producers and director. I don’t know much about Hollywood, but I don’t think there were many actors left like Declan, which made him a nightmare for agents and a godsend for the screen.
I had known Declan since we were kids. His father and mine were friends, which meant Declan and I spent a lot of time together when we were still too young to be shipped off to boarding school. We were not the best of friends until later on in life. Even as toddlers, our Nannies would find us wrestling over toys. I was stuck up and snobby, constantly worrying over what my father might think. Declan was the opposite; constantly getting into trouble and causing fights every chance he had. By the time we reached high school; he had been kicked out of every boarding school his Dad could find, until he finally resorted to private tutors. He had always been a bit of a wild horse, not easily tamed. Acting has calmed him down a bit, but I still wondered if he would ever be fully domesticated. It was one of the reasons I didn’t want to be around him. He reminded me of my past. A past I wanted to forget. A past I was desperately trying not to remind Clare of, and I wanted him gone before he had the chance to show her.
As we made our way through the bar, I could see his eyes scan the room, looking for exits or surveying the crowd, I couldn’t be sure. It was one the things I had noticed that changed about him, he was constantly alert. A bit of his carefree attitude was gone and I feared what real fame might do to him if he was already this intense.
As his eyes continued to analyze the crown, he narrowed in on a leggy blonde seated at a table in a corner. Her eyes were filled with laughter as she held her drink in one hand and made excessive hand gestures with the other. Declan looked mesmerized and hungry. It appeared he’d found what he was looking for. Maybe I could go home.
Wait a second! I knew that blonde.
Leah’s eyes locked with Declan’s and widened. She leaned across the table and whispered something to Clare, who was seated with her back to us, and she visibly stiffened. Was she upset that I was here? I wasn’t exactly happy about Clare and Declan being in the same room, but I wasn’t leaving now. Not now that I was so close to her.
Oh God, she thought I was a stalker.
Leah looked back up at the two of us, eyes still full of excitement. It wasn’t until she saw me standing next to him that her expression suddenly went from confused to pissed. Putting the puzzle pieces together, I finally relaxed. Guessing from the obvious scolding Clare was getting, I wagered that she left out the part about Declan being a close friend of mine and his visit to Richmond. It didn’t appear to be going over well.
Leah composed herself rather quickly and whispered something in Clare’s ear. Clare nodded before turning herself toward us to wave. She plastered a smile on her face that I knew was fake, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Poor Clare. I knew she was probably just rake
d over the coals and was in need of some serious saving.
I looked over at Declan who hadn’t broken eye contact with Leah until he saw Clare’s wave.
He finally glanced in my direction, confusion and a bit of humor showing on his face, and said, “Friends of yours?”
“Uh, yeah. That’s my girlfriend and her best friend Leah,” I stammered.
“Girlfriend? You?” he arched his brow in surprise.
I nodded. We hadn’t discussed Clare. I wasn’t ashamed of her, but for Declan, monogamy is a four letter word that wasn’t uttered in his presence, so I figured he wouldn’t understand.
Based on the last few times we hung out, I really didn’t want to talk about women with him. At all.
He shrugged, “Well, why don’t we go say hello then?”
We made our way over to the girls’ table and Clare slid over to make room for me next to her. As I leaned down to kiss her hello, my lips lingered, savoring the sweet taste. The last three weeks had been the best of my life. They had also been the most torturous. Even since that first date, I’d been trying to give her time. It may be time she doesn’t think she needs, but she does. She had lost someone and I didn’t want to be just a replacement for him. I wanted to be the one she wanted. I also needed time to prove to her I was worth it. I think I needed to prove that to myself as well.
But the waiting was pure hell. Every smile, every brush of her skin set me on fire. I had spent three weeks in a perpetual state of need. I don’t think I’d jacked off so much since high school. But, as each day went by, my will started to falter and my walls crumbled a bit more. Time or not, I didn’t think either of us could hold out much longer.
“Hey, funny meeting you here,” I whispered against her ear.
Smiling, she answered, “Great minds think alike, I guess.”
I gave myself a moment to look her over from head to toe. She was wearing a tight fitting halter top that tied at the nape of her neck and showed off her shoulders and back. Rimmed in kohl, her eyes smoldered, the brilliant green still shining through. She was wearing a sexy jean skirt which showed off her toned legs and I could feel the high heel of her pump as it slid up my calf.
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