by Mercy Amare
“I don’t have any friends,” she says. “They’re your friends. I just tag along.”
I frown at that, because she’s completely wrong. I am about to tell her.
“Why don’t you call Brody?” she asks. I can hear the sarcasm in her voice.
At the mention of his name, my heart sinks. I didn’t tell her earlier that he’d texted me. “As it turns out, Brody never was my friend.”
“Then what about Sebastian?” she says. I can practically hear her smiling.
She’s so annoying.
I pull up his number in my phone.
I could call him.
But the second he gets here, I know he will say “I told you so”, because he did tell me.
Brody only wants to be my friend when it’s convenient for him.
In fact, I’m sure he’s hooking up with some other girl right now.
I only wish I had listened to Sebastian sooner.
I see something move out of the corner of my eye and I let out a scream. Hope joins me.
“What do you see?” she asks.
“The biggest spider. Ever,” I answer. “But it’s not moving. It stopped. It’s probably feeding off our fear right now. It wants us to suffer before it comes out of hiding. Apparently, it likes playing with its food.”
“Call Sebastian,” she says again. “Please, Jinger. I’m too young to die.”
I hit the call button and slowly put my phone up to my ear.
It only rings twice before Sebastian answers.
“Jinger... are you okay?” he asks. I can hear the concern in his voice, which means he’s heard about Brody ditching me. Or maybe he thinks I’m with Brody, and he wants to come rescue me.
“I need you. In my dorm. Right. Now.” I can hardly breathe out of fear.
“Are you hurt?”
“Just get here.”
“I’m on my way,” he says, and the line goes dead.
I sigh in relief. “Sebastian is coming. He will take care of it for us.”
Hope giggles. “I can’t believe we both have an irrational fear of spiders. It seems like this is something the academy should ask before putting people together. At least one person per dorm room needs to be brave enough to kill a spider.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Will Sebastian tell anybody? Because, if I’m being honest, I really don’t want anybody to know,” she says. “Especially not Drew. I can already imagine the teasing.”
“He won’t tell if I ask him not to.” And I know that I can trust Sebastian. He knows more about me than anybody else and I know he’s good at keeping secrets.
“Good,” she says.
There is a knock on the door.
“Jinger?” I hear Sebastian’s voice from the other side.
Thank God, he was quick.
“Come in,” I yell.
He opens the door and runs over to me. “Are you hurt?”
I point just under my bed. “Behind you,” I whisper.
He turns around and starts laughing. “Really, Jinger? A spider.”
“Do you not see how big it is?” I ask. “I’m pretty sure it was about to eat me.”
“It’s a grass spider,” he says. “Completely harmless.”
“Well... kill it already.”
Sebastian goes to my bed and gets the spider to crawl in his hand. He puts the other hand over it so it can’t get away.
“I’m not killing it. I am taking it back outside where it belongs,” he says, heading towards the door. “I’ll be back.”
“Just... wash your hands before you come back in here!” I yell as he leaves.
I hear him mumble a response and then he’s gone.
Hope gets up off the floor. “Well, that was fun.”
We both burst out laughing.
“I’m pretty sure we are never going to live this down,” she says.
“Probably. But, if another spider shows up, I’m still calling Sebastian.”
“Definitely,” she agrees.
Hope hesitantly goes back to her bed and picks back up the dress. She gets back to work just as Sebastian comes back inside.
“Hands where I can see them,” I say, making sure there is plenty of distance between us.
He holds up both his hands. “No spider.”
“Okay,” I say, sighing of relief. “Thank you for getting rid of the biggest spider ever.”
“You’re welcome,” he says, then looks at his feet. “I was wondering if we could go somewhere and talk. Alone.”
I hesitate.
Mostly because I wonder if he’s going to give me the whole I told you so speech.
But then he looks up. His dark eyes meet mine, and for a split second, I can see pain in them.
A lot of pain.
He recovers quickly, looking like the same old happy Sebastian.
I nod to let him know I’m okay with talking alone.
Maybe he’s going to trust me. Maybe he’s going to tell me his story.
I trust him.
He doesn’t know my whole story, but he knows some of it. Maybe someday I will be brave enough to tell it all to him.
Sebastian grabs my hand and we walk out of my room, then out of the building. He lets go of my hand and turns to me.
“You haven’t eaten since breakfast, right?” he asks.
I start to lie and say I ate dinner.
He stops me. “Tell the truth.”
I sigh. “No. I haven’t eaten.”
“Let’s leave campus and grab dinner,” he says. “What are you in the mood to eat?”
“I’m not really hungry.”
“Do you like Chinese food?” he asks.
“No,” I say, wrinkling my nose. “I hate Chinese food.”
His mouth falls open a bit.
“But, Mexican food is my favorite,” I say.
He grins. “Me too. Mexican it is.”
Fifteen minutes later, we park in front of a small Mexican restaurant named Casa Blanca. The restaurant actually looks more like a house than a restaurant, but in my opinion, hole in the wall kinds of places are usually the best kind.
The hostess takes us to a booth in the corner.
There aren’t a whole lot of people in the restaurant. The lights are dim and there is a Spanish rap song playing lightly in the background. On the wall, there are neon signs advertising different kinds of beer they serve.
“What can I get you to drink?” a waitress asks.
“A Coke,” I tell her, and Sebastian says the same.
She walks away, leaving us to look at the menu. A couple of minutes later she comes back with our drinks and takes our order. Once she leaves, Sebastian looks at me.
“I want to tell you why I don’t like Brody,” he says.
I sit up straighter.
“I also want to tell you why I didn’t call you the day after you showed me your scars. It wasn’t just because you were out with Brody, though that was part of it.” He pauses and runs his fingers through his hair. “My freshman year of high school, my older sister killed herself.”
I let out an involuntary gasp.
“She was a sophomore and I guess she had been really depressed and nobody knew it,” he says. “She was dating Brody. And he broke up with her a few hours before she killed herself.”
“Oh, my God...” my voice trails off.
“Yeah,” he says. “I don’t know exactly what happened between Brody and her. But I do know that Brody wasn’t a good boyfriend. He treated my sister like crap and he cheated on her all the time. I know it’s not his fault she killed herself, but I think he definitely sped along her decision.”
I try to imagine Brody the way Sebastian is describing him, but I can’t.
Maybe Brody has changed. I mean, something like that would change anybody.
“I used to have a little sister,” I tell him.
I shut my mouth.
Crap.
What did I just tell him that?
�
��What happened?” he asks.
I clear my throat and shake my head. “I’m not... ready to talk about it.”
Eleven years later and it still hurts as badly as it did the day it happened.
“When you are ready to talk, I’m here,” he says, reaching his hand across the table. He puts his hands on top of mine.
I’m not prepared for the gesture, so I turn my head away. “So, tell me about your sister.”
I look back up at him and see that he’s smiling. He pulls his arms back to his side of the table.
“Her name was Sadie,” he says. “She was always smiling, which is why I think I was so shocked when she committed suicide. She just seemed so happy all the time, which, I guess, should’ve been a clue. She faked her emotions. I mean, nobody is that happy, right?
“Sadie was my best friend. We did everything together, growing up. Since she was a year older than I, she came to boarding school one year before me and being away from her was so hard. I was so excited when I was finally a freshman. It was going to be the best year of my life. Then, right before Christmas break, she took a bunch of pain pills—” Sebastian’s voice breaks. “I found her.”
His story reminds me of the day my sister... left.
I hate the word “died”. It feels so conclusive. So final. Even as a little kid, I always told myself that she was just going away for a bit. Deep down, I knew the truth. But I kept asking my parents, “When will Jenna come back home?”, “When is Jenna coming back?”, “I miss Jenna. Can she come home from her trip now?” They started sending me to a therapist. They tried to explain death. And even though I understood, I couldn’t accept it. Even now, at age sixteen, I have a hard time accepting the fact that she’s really gone. She’s not coming back.
Sometimes, I dream about her.
But in my dreams, she is still that four year old girl in pigtails that I knew. She’s never going to get the chance to grow up. She’ll never know what it’s like to kiss a boy, or fall in love. She will never get to experience life. She will always be four years old.
And then I think about how I’ve been in life.
I haven’t really lived. I’ve just been going through the motions. But Jenna... she wouldn’t have been like this. She would’ve lived life to the fullest.
Sometimes, I think the wrong sister died.
No, I don’t just think.
I know.
“What are you thinking about?” Sebastian asks me, taking me away from my thoughts.
“Just about my little sister,” I answer, trying to keep the sadness out of my voice. “I found her too. After she... passed on...”
I can’t even say the word died out loud.
I’m so pathetic.
“How old was she?” he asks.
“Four.”
“Shit,” he says. “How old were you?”
“Five.”
“What happened to her?”
I shake my head, because I don’t plan on telling him. But then I figure, why not? He could just Google it and know the truth. I know he promised he wouldn’t, but deep down, I want to tell him.
Maybe all those years of therapy is starting to pay off.
“I found her face down in the pool,” I finally say. “At first, I thought she was playing. We loved playing in the pool, but neither of us knew how to swim. Only Caleb did, he was six. We were going to start lessons soon, but we hadn’t yet. I think Mom and Dad were too busy and that was before we got a nanny. I remember walking outside and seeing her, and thinking how unfair it was that she knew how to swim and I didn’t. But then I noticed she wasn’t moving, and I thought that sleeping in the pool seemed like a very strange thing to do... And what I did next I will regret the rest of my life. Instead of going to get my parents, I got Caleb. He knew immediately knew that she was gone. He started screaming and then Mom came.”
“That’s awful.”
I nod. “They said she had been... gone... for a full hour before I found her. Earlier she asked me to play Barbies with her and I got mad over something... I can’t remember what... so I went to pout in my room. I just keep thinking that if I hadn’t gotten mad... if I had just stayed there... she’d still be alive. Then maybe my family wouldn’t be so messed up.”
“Why do you regret getting Caleb?” he asks.
“Because, it messed him up. He wasn’t the same after that. If I had just gotten my mom, Caleb would never have seen her body. Then, maybe, he would have had a shot at being normal. Instead, he’s just as screwed up as me. Maybe more so.”
“Jinger, you were five. You didn’t know,” he says. “You can’t blame yourself.”
“I know all that in theory, but inside, I feel so much guilt—so much pain.”
“Is that why you started cutting?”
I nod.
“And why did you stop?” he asks.
“When I realized that my brother needed me.”
The waitress brings our food to the table, and we change the topic to something lighter. We talk about the upcoming weekend, we talk about Brody ditching me, and we talk some about Hope.
Hope is a good roommate.
And she’s turning into a great friend.
I have a feeling that she is going to make my junior year a lot of fun.
Friday, September 13
Nothing but the best.
“Today is the day!” Isaac practically sings as he sits down at the table in the dining hall. “And I am so pumped!”
“What is today?” Drew asks, in a teasing tone. “It must have slipped my mind. Do you have plans?”
“Ha. Ha,” Isaac says, rolling his eyes.
“I’m excited for tonight,” Hope says.
“So, what are we supposed to wear?” I ask. “I mean, I’ve never been to a club before.”
“I’ve got you covered,” Hope says. “That dress I’ve been working on is your size. I may have to make a couple of alterations, but I think it’ll be a perfect fit. I finished it around midnight last night.”
“Just as long as it’s short, tight, and hawt,” Drew says. “Nothing but the best for my bae.”
Sebastian slaps the back of Drew’s head as he sits down at the table. “Don’t talk about Jinger like that.”
Drew rolls his eyes, and looks at me. “He just doesn’t understand our relationship.”
“Our relationship?” I question.
“We’re... open...” he says, carefully.
“Open?” Hope asks, with her mouth open. “To what? A threesome?”
I laugh, because I know she’s joking.
Drew doesn’t. He licks his lips and leans towards her. “I like the way you talk.”
“Ew,” Hope says, wrinkling her nose. “You are so not my type.”
“What is your type?” he asks.
This causes Hope to frown. “I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”
“What about you, Jinger?” Drew asks. “What is your type?”
“I’m not sure,” I answer honestly. “But I know it’s not a guy who wants to sleep with me and my best friend.”
Hope jerks her head up. “I’m your best friend?”
I open my mouth.
Then close it.
Crap.
What am I supposed to say? I’ve known her five days and she’s already the best girl friend I’ve ever had.
She continues, “Because, I consider you my best friend, too.”
I grin. “You’re kind of awesome, Hope.”
“Kind of? Puh-lease. If we are going to be best friends, you have to admit that I am not just kind of awesome. I am awesome.”
I like Hope’s confidence. I’m not sure if it’s genuine or if she just pretends, but either way, I envy it.
Sebastian told me that I should pretend to be confident, but look where that got me with Brody. He saw through my act, which is obviously why he ditched me last night. I look across the cafeteria. He is sitting there, beside Colton, and he doesn’t look sick. Not at all. And I want to be pis
sed at him. I so do. But I can’t. He’s right to stay away.
Isaac catches me looking at Brody. “I take it last night was fun,” he says.
I look over at him and see one corner of his smile lift into a smirk.
I like Isaac. He’s cute, with his strawberry blonde hair and light green eyes. He’s definitely the kind of guy who could get any girl into bed, but unlike Drew, he doesn’t. Though, maybe he’s not aware of his irresistible charm.
Well, I guess it’s not completely irresistible. He’s not really my type.
But then again, I don’t have a type. Maybe he is. All I know is that he doesn’t make my heart race, doesn’t make my palms sweat, or make my brain go all fuzzy like Brody does.
Why does the first guy I get a crush on have to be such an idiot?
Wait. No. He’s smart to stay away.
Still, I wish he wouldn’t be smart.
Maybe I should feel thankful. Especially after I heard what Sebastian said about him last night. Apparently he’s not boyfriend material.
Besides, I don’t need a boyfriend who had a girlfriend who killed herself. Because I’ve been there. I’ve been suicidal. I have the scars to prove it. That would probably cause a few... complications.
I’ve always wondered what it would be like when I got a boyfriend. The main reason I don’t have one is because I’ve never found a guy I trusted enough to show my scars to. I still can’t believe that Sebastian knows. And that he hasn’t told anybody. If only I had these fuzzy feelings for him instead.
Isaac waves a hand in front of my face, taking me out of my daze.
“Was last night with Brody really that good?” he asks.
“Actually, Brody ditched me,” I tell him.
Drew looks over at Sebastian. “Wait... is that where you were last night? You barely made curfew.”
“We hung out,” I tell them, just because they already know. There is no point in hiding it now.
Last night, after we got Mexican food, Sebastian took me for ice-cream and a walk in the park. It wasn’t romantic or anything like that. It was just two friends bonding. We both have dead siblings, so that automatically gives us a lot in common.
Except, of course, his sister killed herself when she was 15. Mine drowned in a pool when she was 4.