Losing Grip

by Mercy Amare

  “To get food with Sebastian,” I answer. “Tacos are half price at the Mexican restaurant on Tuesdays.”

  “And you’re wearing that?” she asks, wrinkling her nose.

  I nod. “What’s wrong with it?”

  “Don’t you want to... dress up?”

  “Why? It’s a hole in the wall Mexican joint. Besides, I have to dress up every day in class,” I say. “I’d prefer to be comfortable tonight.”

  “I guess you have a point. By the way, what is The Pretty Reckless?” she asks, reading my shirt.

  My mouth falls open. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

  “I’m not.”

  “It’s a band. They’re awesome. Look them up,” I tell her, getting off the bed. I head towards the door.

  “I will. I’m also going to make you some more clothes, because you clearly need them,” she says.

  “Well, I’d be honored to wear another one of Hope Carter’s dresses,” I say, my hand on the doorknob.

  She grins. “I’ll see you later.”

  “Later,” I say, and walk out the door.

  When I get to the front of my dorm building, Sebastian is waiting for me. He, too, is wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He and I obviously think alike. Besides, who gets dressed up to eat tacos? Well, besides Hope.

  Sebastian grins when he sees me, revealing the single dimple on his right cheek. It’s an adorable dimple, and it makes me want to melt into a puddle right there. Sebastian is quite charming and I doubt he even realizes it.

  “Hey,” he says, giving me his hundred-watt smile.

  “Hey,” I say back. I sound breathless.

  “How was your meeting with the dean?”

  “It was really good, actually,” I answer. “Colton was supposed to do all of the talking, but I kind of took over. Dean Taylor is surprisingly easy to talk to. And he agreed to let us set up the paper online. Really, how could he not? Besides the start-up cost, it’s going to be saving the school a lot of money.”

  “I’m excited,” he says. “If there’s an app, I might actually read the paper.”

  “You have to read my article Friday,” I tell him. “It’s about the dangers of over-sharing on social media.”

  “I will read anything you write,” he promises.

  He grabs my hand and leads me out to his car. He opens the door for me and I get inside. He shuts it, then walks around the car and gets in on the driver’s side.

  And I can’t help it. I swoon, just a little bit.

  Fifteen minutes later, we wheel into Casa Blanca, the same restaurant we went to last Thursday. Only then, I was depressed over the fact that Brody ditched me. Now I am over it. Sort of. Or, at least I’m trying to be over it.

  Hope was right. Brody is the bad boy that I’m lusting over. It’s definitely nothing more and he’s not worth getting my heart broken over. As long as I can stay away from him, I should be good.

  “Are you excited about your birthday?” I ask him.

  “Birthday?” he ask, then shakes his head. “Right. Thursday is my birthday. I almost forgot.”

  “How can you forget your own birthday?”

  He shrugs. “I guess I’m not that excited. It’s not that I have anything planned. Plus, I’m focused on the upcoming soccer game tomorrow.”

  “I’m excited to see you play,” I tell him.

  “The games are always fun,” he says. “I like to go and watch, even if I’m not playing. It’s fun to hang out with everybody in the stands.”

  “I think Bryce is going to sit with us tomorrow. He has a crush on Hope and I think he’s hoping I’m going to hook him up with her.”

  “Bryce and Hope?” he asks, then shakes his head. “I don’t see that happening.”

  “Why not? Hope is very dominant. Bryce is very laid back and goes with the flow. I think they could be good together.”

  “You know, I guess I don’t know what her type is,” Sebastian says. “In the two years I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her date anybody. Actually, you’re the first friend she’s ever made.”

  “Really? That’s so weird. Hope is so outgoing. It’s easy to like her.”

  “She is nice,” he agrees. “I think you’ve been good for each other.”

  “Probably.”

  The waitress comes and takes our orders. She comes back a few minutes later with our drinks. I take a sip of my Coke and then look at Sebastian.

  “There is something I wanted to talk to you about,” I say to him, trying to work up the courage. I take a deep breath. “I trust you. Like, more than I’ve ever trusted anybody. And I didn’t mean to show you my scars, but I’m glad that I did. And I’m not ready to tell anybody else yet. I probably won’t be for a while. But it’s nice to know that I can talk to you. And I want to tell you why I’m really at New Haven.” I take another breath. “A little over a year ago, my brother overdosed on drugs. My dad thinks it was an accident, but it wasn’t. Caleb did it on purpose. And I was the one who found him in his room. He was barely breathing. So, I called 911, and by some miracle, he was okay. Apparently, Caleb had been taking prescription pills for a while and he was addicted. So, my dad sent him to rehab. He was in for three months, and when he was released, he was better. For a while.”

  “Oh, my God, Jinger. Wow. I’m sorry,” he says.

  “The day I found my brother almost dead is the day I stopped cutting. It was then I realized he needed me. He was going through everything I was. He was still mourning Jenna’s death,” I say, shaking my head. “After a month of being out of rehab, my brother started using again. It only took me a couple of weeks to realize it. I tried to help him. But I couldn’t. I was stupid. I even helped him hide it from our dad. I didn’t want him to send Caleb away again, because Caleb needed me. And, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I needed Caleb too.”

  “I don’t think you were stupid. You did what you thought was best.”

  “I know. But doesn’t mean I was right,” I say, then continue. “On the last day of my sophomore year, I saw Caleb buying drugs from the school drug dealer. I went up to stop him. I was going to confront him again, because just the night before, he’d promised me he wasn’t going to use again. And when I did, the headmistress of my school caught us. She knew that I wasn’t buying the drugs. But I wouldn’t tell the truth. I told her the drugs were for me. I was trying to keep Caleb out of trouble. Caleb and I both got expelled, and the person selling went to juvie.”

  “I would’ve done the same thing for Sadie,” Sebastian says.

  “I shouldn’t have done it,” I tell him. “My dad handled the situation at school. He took Caleb back to rehab. We tried to keep it out of the media, but people at school saw what went down in the hallway. There really wasn’t anything we could do, once it was on the internet. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, my dad decided to send me to boarding school. He wanted me as far away from Caleb as possible. Which I hated him for. But now, I’m glad I’m here. I actually like it.”

  “How is Caleb doing? With rehab?” Sebastian asks.

  “Good,” I answer. “We recently got our calling schedule changed. Starting Thursday, we get to talk every week instead of once a month. Only for ten minutes, but I will take what I can get.”

  “I just... can’t imagine how you must’ve felt... finding Caleb. Especially, after finding Jenna all those years ago.”

  “There was a day in the hospital when we didn’t know if he was going to live or die. I considered taking my own life, if he died. But then I saw the look on my dad’s face while we were in the waiting room. He was absolutely devastated. I hadn’t seen him like that since Jenna’s funeral.” Tears fill my eyes at the memory, so I quickly wipe them away. “I knew, at that moment, even if Caleb was gone, there was no way I could put my dad through that. I knew it would destroy him.”

  Sebastian looks at me. Like, really looks at me. It’s as if he’s seeing through the facade... through the mask that I’ve had on for so long... and he is seeing the
real me. Maybe I should feel exposed or vulnerable, but I don’t. I feel free, for the first time in forever. And I like it.

  “You’re amazing, Jinger,” he tells me. “I think you’re brave. You’ve been through so much stuff and yet you are one of the strongest people I know.”

  I shake my head. “I’m not brave or strong. I probably could’ve stopped a lot of bad stuff from happening if I had just gone to my dad when I knew Caleb was using again.”

  “You did what you thought was right. And you learned from that mistake. You grew,” he says. “Every bad thing that has happened has made you what you are today. And if I’m being honest, I think you’re pretty freaking awesome.”

  Despite all the pain, I smile.

  And I’m pretty sure that Sebastian is the only person in the world who could make me smile right now.

  “I think you’re pretty freaking awesome, too, Sebastian,” I say, and I mean it whole-heartedly.

  What would I do without him?

  I hope I never have to find out.

  Wednesday, September 18

  A freaking kiss on the forehead.

  Colton tells everybody on the paper about the website and the app that the dean okayed. They all seem super pumped, and can’t wait to see the finished product. Bryce offers to help me¸ which I am definitely okay with. It’s going to be a lot of work. We are meeting on Saturday morning before the soccer game, to get started. Well, I’ve already started on it. Last night after Sebastian and I got back from eating tacos, I worked on a couple of design ideas that I had. I sent a sample to Colton and he’s loving it so far.

  Last night with Sebastian was... perfect. And it really proved just how good a friend he really is. I am so glad that he’s a part of my life.

  In about fifteen minutes, Hope and I are going to leave for Sebastian’s soccer game. I’m excited about watching him play. Everybody says he’s a really good soccer player, but he keeps saying he’s not as good at soccer as he is at lacrosse. I can’t wait to see him play lacrosse in the spring.

  “Wear this,” Hope says, throwing a hoodie at me.

  I look at the orange hoodie. There’s an eagle on the front and it says “New Haven Academy” on it. I pull it over my head.

  “It’s going to be cool tonight,” she says.

  “I can’t believe summer is really over.”

  “I know. Officially on the twenty-first,” she says. “You excited about going to your first New Haven Eagle’s game?”

  I nod. “I’m mostly excited about seeing Sebastian play.”

  “He’s actually really good,” she says. “When I first met him, I assumed he was the biggest nerd ever.”

  “Why would you think that?” I ask, because that was not the first impression I got.

  “It was before he got all... muscly. We were freshman. And he was my math tutor.”

  “I didn’t know he was a tutor.”

  “Yeah, he’s super smart,” she tells me.

  “So, he’s smart, super good looking, and athletic. Plus, he’s, like, the nicest guy ever,” I say. “Why doesn’t he have a girlfriend?”

  “I don’t know.” She grins at me. “Do you want to be his girlfriend?”

  I narrow my eyes. “No way. Sebastian is my friend.”

  In fact, he’s the best friend I’ve ever had. There is no way that I can lose him. And if we dated, it would totally ruin everything.

  Hope gives me a look that says she doesn’t believe me.

  I roll my eyes. “Come on, Hope. Let’s get down to the field. I want to wish Sebastian good luck before his game.”

  “How are you going to wish him good luck?” she asks.

  “I’m going to tell him good luck.”

  “You should kiss him.”

  “Oh, my God. You are so annoying!”

  She laughs, and together we head to the soccer field.

  When I see Sebastian, he is standing with his teammates. They’re about to head out onto the field, and I want to wish him good luck, but I don’t want to bother him when he’s standing around everybody. Instead, I give him a small wave. He notices me, gives me a grin, and walks towards me. I leave Hope behind and meet him half way.

  “Hey,” I say, a little shyly. Since when am I shy around Sebastian? I fully blame Hope. She’s been putting all these stupid, romantic ideas in my head. Ideas I wouldn’t normally have, otherwise.

  “Hey,” he says back, still giving me his hundred-watt smile. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “I wanted to wish you good luck,” I tell him.

  “Thanks,” he says. Then he does something completely unexpected. He kisses me on the forehead. Without another word, he turns and walks back to his teammates and I stand there, stunned.

  I’ve never been kissed on the forehead by a guy. Really, besides a few drunken make out sessions at parties when I was fourteen, I’ve never been kissed by a guy. And it’s kind of nice. I can still feel the spot where his lips touched my skin. It’s warm and tingly, like he left a permanent mark.

  When Sebastian gets back to his teammates, he turns towards me and gives me a slow grin. One that makes my knees weak.

  I feel stupid that I’m still standing here, but I can’t seem to make my legs move. Or my eyes. I’m just watching Sebastian. Who is watching me.

  “Hey, Bae,” Drew says, putting his arm around me.

  The spell is broken, and I’m not sure if I’m relieved or disappointed. I turn towards Drew. “Hey.”

  “Want to go to the stands and sit down, or do you want to keep standing here, staring at Sebastian?”

  I feel my face grow warm. I was really hoping nobody else had noticed. It kind of felt like Sebastian and I were the only two people on the planet for a minute. It was nice.

  “Let’s go sit,” I say, turning towards the stands.

  Drew keeps his arm around me as we walk up the bleachers and I’m too dazed to tell him to move it. He sits beside Hope and I sit beside him. Bryce is supposed to meet with us, so I save a seat for him. Isaac comes up the steps and sits on the other side of Hope.

  “So what just happened with Sebastian and you?” Isaac asks.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, feigning innocence.

  “Well, you basically eye raped each other, he gave you a freaking kiss on the forehead, and then you both just grinned at each other like idiots for at least a minute,” he says. “Are you two, like, together?”

  I shake my head. “We are friends. I was just wishing him good luck.”

  “Right,” Isaac says, clearly not convinced.

  Thankfully, Bryce chooses that moment to come sit down beside me.

  “Hey, Jinger,” he says to me as he sits down. “What’s up?”

  “Not much,” I say. “Hey everybody, this is my friend, Bryce.”

  Not that I need to introduce him. In a school with only three hundred and fifty students, everybody knows everybody.

  “Hey, man,” Drew says to Bryce. “It’s been awhile. How was your summer?”

  Bryce shrugs. “You know. European girls.”

  Did everybody in the school spend their summer in Europe?

  Drew and Bryce knuckle bump and I roll my eyes. If Bryce thinks he can win Hope over by talking about other girls, he’s sorely mistaken.

  Though, now that I see them together, I highly doubt Hope will ever give him the time of the day. Bryce is a lot shorter than she is—at least four inches. And Hope didn’t even glance over when he sat down. Of course, she was watching the dance team.

  I had no idea Hope was so into dancing.

  Wait—didn’t Hope say she’s into shorter guys? Maybe Bryce does have a chance.

  Isaac, Drew, and Bryce seem to hit it off well. I convince Drew to trade me seats so I can talk to Hope. Isaac soon moves to the other side of me to sit by Drew. Both teams are warming up now. I keep my eyes on Sebastian. It’s kind of fun, watching him in his element.

  “So, really, what was that earlier?” Hope asks me.

 
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “You keep putting all these ideas in my head. And I don’t mean to think about them. But then I do. And I end up staring at Sebastian like an idiot. I’m so lame.”

  “It was really sweet,” Hope says. “I don’t think there was a girl here that wasn’t jealous of what went on between you two. Even I was jealous. I miss being in love. And I definitely miss being in a relationship.”

  “But didn’t you just come out of a relationship?” I ask.

  “Like, two weeks ago,” she says. “And it was a summer fling. I fell in love fast, and out even faster. I don’t even miss them like I thought I would.”

  “That’s a good thing, right?”

  “I guess. Though, part of me was hoping it was true love,” she says. “And now I wonder if I even know what true love is. I thought I did. I thought I had it. And I just... feel confused. And I kind of have a crush on somebody.”

  “Who?” I ask.

  “I... can’t tell you yet,” she says.

  I frown.

  “I’m sorry,” she says. “I promise I will tell you soon. I just... want to make sure first, you know?”

  “No, I totally get it,” I say, then sigh. “You know, when I first met Brody, I thought we had this amazing connection. Well, that’s a lie. The first time we met, I thought he was a douche. But the second time, we talked for, like, an hour. He walked me home and was pretty much the sweetest guy ever.”

  “Should’ve gone with your first instinct,” she says.

  I nod. “Probably.”

  “I’m glad you’re over him.”

  “There was hardly anything to get over,” I say. “I was attracted to him. He ditched me. Guys suck. I’m over it.”

  “Amen, to that.”

  “I’m going to go grab a drink from the concession stand,” I tell her. “Want anything?”

  “Nah, I’m good,” she says.

  I have to walk past two sets of bleachers to get to the concession stand, which makes me nervous. I don’t like walking in front of people. So, by the time I get there, I don’t actually want a snack anymore. I just get an energy drink and head back to where my friends are sitting.