by Ainsley Shay
The air between Chandler and me was still thick from our earlier encounter. I wanted to holler something sisterly and clever, but I could tell he wouldn’t fall for it. I said a generic goodbye to both of them and went back into the house.
Blacwin closed the door behind us. “Why don’t I follow you back to your apartment and you can hang out at the bookshop while I take care of a couple things?”
I swallowed hard. “What couple things?”
He averted his eyes to one of the statues. “I want to check out a few places in the area to see if Carina may have went there and maybe see what she’s up to.”
None of this was good. He didn’t even sound enthusiastic he would find anything. “Why don’t you ask Chandler to—”
Blacwin was shaking his head before I finished my sentence. “I want to go alone so I can think things through, try to grasp some sort of understanding of what’s going on and how you’re involved.” He stepped in front of me. We were so close. Our bodies just short of touching; a sliver of space I wanted desperately to close was all that was between us. With the lightest caress, Blacwin pushed my hair away from eyes. “I don’t know what it will take for you to have the perfect life you deserve, but I’m never going to stop searching, hunting, or even killing, until you do.” I closed my eyes and leaned into his palm on my cheek. “You are all that matters.”
Slowly and with effort, I opened my eyes. His mouth was a single moment away from mine. Spiced, warm breath lingered between us before our lips touched and all the air was locked tight in my chest as our kiss deepened. I swayed in the midst of being one with him. Our arms wrapped around one another as if each of us were trying to capture this moment like a firefly in a jar. Our flamed feelings trapped in a binding embrace. This is what mattered. Blacwin was right and wrong; nothing else mattered, but it wasn’t only me, it was us. There was a countless list of words for what we were: familiarity, bond, trust, hope. This sense of being whole and alive, and...worthy, worthy of him, of chances, and of myself to be happy was almost too much to endure. Almost.
Blacwin gracefully and tenderly pulled back. Our eyes met; his, mysterious and dark like shadows, mine, hopeful and light like the moon, complimented one another’s from opposite ends of the spectrum. “Please believe me, there is an end to the past.” His thumb traced the curve of my jawline.
I wanted to believe him, but the past has haunted me to the point of wanting death. It was like a living, breathing creature that fed on pain and despair. To kill it would be the greatest gift of all. But, I also feared, destroying it would slaughter a part of me. The past and I were not friends; we had become part of the same entity, cursed and inseparable. And, no matter how much I longed for a future devoid of it, I wouldn’t be who I am without it.
I let his promise hang on a thin twine between us. There were no words to encourage or dissuade him. I nodded; it was all I could do.
He hugged me one last time before we left and he followed me back to my apartment. He told me he’d be back to stay the night.
Mr. Yves was counting the cash draw when I walked into the bookshop. He looked up and smiled. It was the kind of smile that reminded me of home. I hugged him. And then, I cried. It was just like Mr. Yves not to question or pry, but hold me and lend me his embroidered handkerchief to wipe my tears on.
I pulled away. “Thanks.”
“Anything I can do to help?” he asked.
I reached up and adjusted his beret. “That was perfect.”
He nodded. “Glad I can be of assistance.”
I glanced at the ancient cash register. “Are you closing early?”
“I was going to, yes. But, if you want some company—”
“No, I’m fine.” Mr. Yves gave me a look that had disbelief written all over it. “Really. I am. Besides, don’t you have a hot date or something?”
He chuckled. “Only with my beloved history channel, a glass of bourbon, and possibly indulge in a bowl of dark chocolate gelato.”
“Actually, your night sounds great; well all except for the bourbon part—and the history part.”
He clapped his hands together and laughed. “Ah, my dear sweet Iris, what I wouldn’t give to be young again.”
It was close to six when we closed. We said our goodbyes and I went to the apartment. The narrow staircase was dark. I thought I’d be home before now, and hadn’t bothered to leave the light on. The night had settled in early this evening. Running as fast as I could, I raced up the stairs with my key in my hand.
Once inside, I closed the door and bolted it. The studio was just as dark as the hall. I stumbled over the couch and turned on the lamp. I needed something to calm my nerves and the thought of a hot bath with lavender salts sounded perfect. I went into the bathroom, plugged the drain in the tub, and turned on the water. As soon as I unscrewed the lid of the salts, the scent of lavender filled the bathroom. I was already feeling more relaxed. Stripping down to my bra and panties, I went to get my book from my nightstand. Back in the bathroom, I closed the door, took off the rest of my clothes, climbed into the tub, and sank. The salts softened the water and it felt smooth against my skin. I breathed in deeply; the tranquil scent slowed my racing thoughts. The tenseness in my muscles began to ease.
I tried to clear my mind. It was difficult, and I reveled in the idea of nothingness. The act was impossible. Thoughts of Carina standing on the hill and the way she scrutinized me was the last thing I remembered before I fell asleep.
Dreams took hold of me and dragged me beneath the surface of the water. They were fierce, unforgiving, and then sweet and filled with love. I wasn’t sure how long I had been in the tub when I woke, the water had gone cold, and fear immediately struck. Hard footfalls were inside my apartment. I stood, my feet still in the tub. There was no time to grab the towel and wrap it around me before the door to the bathroom crashed open. I was quick to hide the important parts of my body with my hands; but most likely, not quick enough before Blacwin saw those parts. My face heated. We stood only a couple of feet away from each other in the very small bathroom, which seemed even smaller with his tall muscular body taking up most of the space.
“I...uhh...tried calling a...a lot—but you never...” Blacwin’s words were breathy, as he stammered through them. He looked away from me and toward the mirror on the medicine cabinet behind him, which only reflected my still naked body. Our eyes locked and held for what seemed like eternity. The cold I had initially felt vanished in the heat of our stares.
The look he gave me made my body warm in places it shouldn’t have. His lips parted as if he was going to say something. After today’s earlier kiss, I’d almost let anything happen. I needed to pinch the flame igniting between us, and fast. “Can you please hand me that towel?” I pointed to the towel resting on the vanity. Blacwin’s gaze was transfixed on mine for a few more seconds. Then, something snapped, the cord that held our stares on one another broke, and he looked away from me. He reached for the towel. With one brief glance, he unfolded it and held it out for me to take. Silently, he left the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Without his presence, chills covered every inch of my body. I wrapped the towel around my shoulders and stepped out of the freezing water. Grateful to have privacy and something warm to shield those parts my dad told me to keep hidden until I found love; true love. Yep, my dad had had the ‘birds and the bees’ talk with me at the ripe old age of fourteen. Of course, my dad was more uncomfortable than I was, but that was only speculation as I sat across from him and watched his non-stop bouncing leg, and the fingers on his left hand drumming furiously on the table. Throughout the entire, one-sided conversation, the man never made eye contact with me. It was laughable now.
Growing up without a mom wasn’t terrible. Since she disappeared when I was two, I rarely knew the difference. Sometimes, when I heard my friends talk about their moms, it was uncomfortable. But, Snow’s mom had always treated me like her other daughter, so I wasn’t completely without a mothe
r figure in my life. There were times I wished I had a mom to ask questions. But then, I’m not sure if I would have. I think I like the idea of asking something personal—more than the actual act of doing it. But, these feelings were something she might have been able to help me through.
I got up my nerve to open the bathroom door. Blacwin was sitting on the couch. He started to get up as he asked, “Do you want me to step out while you get dressed?”
“No, that’s okay. I’ll get dressed in the bathroom.” I went to the ladder that leaned against the wall next to my bed and grabbed a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt draped over one of the steps. Then got panties and a bra from the dresser, and went back into the bathroom. After I dressed, I looked in the mirror. I combed my fingers through my hair and thought about what Blacwin saw when he stared at me, all of me. I hadn’t felt entirely uncomfortable while being completely exposed in front of him. He glanced at me when I came out of the bathroom, then averted his eyes to the muted TV.
“Would you like something to drink?” I asked.
“No. I’m good, thanks.”
I was so thirsty I could have drunk a small ocean. Filling a glass with water, I downed it and refilled it. Blacwin got up and came to stand behind me in the kitchen. His hands rested lightly on my shoulders. He turned me so we faced each other. “I’m sorry I barged in on you like that. It was only because I was worried.”
“I know. It’s okay.” My heart sped at his touch and his gaze lingered on me, then my lips.
He bent and brushed my lips with his. The lightness of the kiss gave me chills all over again. I rose onto my tiptoes and tried to deepen the kiss, but he pulled back. “What is it?” I asked.
“I don’t think I’ll ever stop fearing I’ll lose you again—tonight...” He looked down and exhaled, “when you didn’t answer, especially after what happened today, this feeling of raw dread spread through me like poison. I couldn’t shake it until I saw you and knew you were all right.” When he looked back at me, I saw wetness pooling in the corners of eyes. He closed them, pulled me into his chest, and pressed his lips to the top of my head.
How could a man who hardly knew me be so in love, and I with him, this beautiful stranger? It was another reason I couldn’t be rid of the past. Blacwin was part of that dark time; he was the light within it I never wanted to forget. “I’m sorry I scared you.”
He took my hand and led me to the couch. We sat facing each other. His features changed, dread engulfed his face, lines creased over his brow, his mouth tightened, his dark eyes glanced away from me and squeezed shut.
I tilted his face back to me and he opened his eyes. “What is it?” I asked. I didn’t like the feeling writhing in my gut.
He took a deep breath. His voice was low when he spoke words as heavy and weighted as a stone sinking to the bottom of the sea. “I don’t want you to worry, but there’s something I need to tell you.” Fragments of scattered worries I couldn’t grasp bashed around inside my head. Before I could say anything, he said, “Carina came by the house tonight.”
The pieces of worry instantly congealed and turned into panic and disbelief. “Why? What did she want? Did she tell you why she gave me a dagger and what I’m supposed to do with it?”
He took my hands in his. “Shhh...” He raised his hand to my face and the tips of his fingers caressed my face, smoothing the tense muscles. “No. I never saw her; I only knew she had been there because she left something for me.”
“What was it?”
“One of Adelina’s journals.”
Just the name coming from his lips, Adelina, churned my stomach. It felt like an intrusion. “Why?”
He lowered his hand and rested it on my thigh. “I don’t know. I haven’t read it yet. I found it on the porch when I was on my way to check on you.” His grip tightened on my leg. “I don’t know what Carina’s up to, but I don’t like the way she’s dropping clues like breadcrumbs. If she, or her sister wants something, why don’t they just ask for it?” He glanced away from me. “With Adelina behind it, whatever it is, someone usually ends up dead.”
I did not like the sound of that. Dead. Why all the secrecy and trivial clues? What did it all mean? Adelina and Carina were leading up to something big, and I couldn’t begin to know, or even guess, what it could be. “Blacwin?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t want to die again. I’ve gained back too much in this life to start all over. I feel like I’m so close to closure. I don’t understand why I feel that, but something’s coming, and it’s vast and consuming. I want so desperately for all of this madness to end. But...I’m scared. I’m so scared of not knowing what’s around the next corner, or what will land on my doorstep tomorrow, or who will come for me the day after that.” I couldn’t stop the thoughts and fears that had been pooling inside of me since this all began, and as I put them into words, my fear only grew with each syllable I said.
“Iris, look at me.” I couldn’t. I hadn’t wanted Blacwin to see my face and the tears that were coming. He lifted my chin. “Look at me,” he whispered. I looked up to meet his stare. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you. You have me and Chandler—”
“But Adelina...she’s so powerful.” I knew he couldn’t argue; he knew I was right. “If I just knew what she has planned; or if she was on our side, or not.”
“Adelina is a mysterious witch who also happens to be a genius when it comes to screwing with people.”
I knew Blacwin knew more about Adelina than he was willing to tell me. I wanted to think it was because he was trying to keep me safe. But, I didn’t know for sure. “I still think we need to find Carina and ask her what Adelina wants out of all of this.”
Blacwin nodded. “Carina, unfortunately, will only be found, if and when, she wants to be.” He stroked the pendant that sat in the hollow of his throat. “I’ll start reading the journal, maybe it’ll tell us something.”
“Okay.” I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Will you stay with me tonight?”
Blacwin stood and led me to the bed. He let go of my hand and pulled down the blanket. I crawled in and he climbed in after me. He turned me on my side, my back against his chest, and pulled me to him. It was only seconds before I drifted off. Blacwin’s voice was low and tormented when I thought I heard him say, “I love you, Iris.” But, it was most likely my subconscious playing tricks on me.
You know that fraction of a second when you wake in the morning, and all seems right in the world? That moment of peace that is so surreal, it feels unnatural. Then, WHAM!—the second hand ticks forward to the next and reality slams into you. Thoughts of Adelina and Carina rushed into my head. I reached around for Blacwin, but he wasn’t there. The space next to me was empty. A loud banging on the door caused me to jerk up and jump out of bed. The small apartment was empty. I wondered where Blacwin was when the banging came again. Through the peephole, I saw Chandler bouncing from foot to foot. He raised his hand to pound again, but I opened it before he could.
“God, Chandler! What is wrong with you?”
“Me? You’re asking me? I’ve called you a thousand times, and you didn’t answer.” He counted off the tips of his fingers. “I called Snow, she hasn’t heard from you, I called Blacwin, and he didn’t answer. Apparently, no one responds to texts anymore. So, yeah, I’m going to come here and bang on your freaking door, and if I have to, knock the goddamned thing down.” He said it all in one smooth breath, like he had been practicing the whole car ride over.
“Sorry,” I turned away from him and went into the kitchen. It was nice to have two people who cared about me this much, but dang, I was beginning to think they were getting a little obsessed with making sure I was all right. I picked up my phone from the counter. The ringer was off. “Are you kidding? I’m surprised my phone hasn’t gone into cardiac arrest.” There were at least forty calls from Chandler. As I scrolled down I saw at least twenty from Snow, and scrolling lower, there were all the calls Blacwin had made last night
when I was taking a bath. Texts from the three of them had to add up into the hundreds.
“Where’s Blacwin?”
That was my question, but I hadn’t wanted to tell Chandler I didn’t know, so I made up something. “He went to get coffee.” It was the first thing I could think of. Acknowledging the way I felt, I hoped I was right. Coffee would be a Godsend right now. So would knowing where Blacwin was.
“What happened last night? Blacwin texted me after he got here and said you were okay. But, he couldn’t get hold of you for over an hour before that.” He plopped down onto the couch and rested his feet on the coffee table.
My hands went to my hips. “I’m pretty sure it’s still within my rights to take a bath.”
The door swung open and Blacwin came in. He was holding two cups of coffee. “Hey,” he said to Chandler, and set one of them on the table. Chandler reached over and picked it up knowing it was not meant for him.
“If you drink my coffee, I will make sure you don’t wake up tomorrow morning,” I said through clenched teeth and seething nerves.
“Snow would be very upset with that.”
“Trust me, I’ve known her a lot longer than you have, and I’m sure she would understand.”
Blacwin chuckled and took a sip of his coffee. After the small talk, and conversations between the two of them about me, in front of me, like I wasn’t even there, I got up and went into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and wished I hadn’t; I looked like hell. My hair went in every direction, and bags the size of golf balls were under my eyes. I turned on the faucet, washed my face, and ran my wet fingers through my hair to smooth out the chaotic mess. When I shut off the water, I heard their hushed whispers. I wanted to know what they were saying, but as soon as I opened the bathroom door, they went silent.
“You both know I’m involved in this too, right? So, you can stop being so secretive.”
Blacwin came to me. He took my hands in his. “Iris, we know. And more than anything, we wish you weren’t. Chandler and I only want you to be safe, and as far away from all of this as possible—”