by Annie Lyons
“Because the world doesn’t work like that. I’m sorry. I’m just being honest.”
“Then maybe the world needs to change. Maybe it needs to grow up and have a sensible conversation about death.”
“Maybe you are right.”
“So you can’t help me? I am destined for a life of adult nappies and being manhandled by strangers, am I?”
“Eudora, I want to help you. I’ve wanted to help you since we first spoke. You remind me of my grandmother.”
“Was she a difficult old boot as well then?”
Petra laughs. It’s a consoling sound. Eudora finds herself smiling. “She was very determined, like you, and she knew her mind like you.”
“And you helped her to die?”
“I did.”
“So will you help me, Petra? Please?” Her imploring tone seems to have the desired effect as Petra pauses before answering.
“I will try but I can’t promise the doctor will agree. And also, I want you to promise me something.”
“Yes?”
“That you will call me if you want to discuss any of this, however small—any thoughts, doubts, or questions. I am here for you.”
Eudora hesitates. She is so unused to human kindness that it catches her off guard. “Thank you,” she says quietly. “So you will forward my application?”
“I will. And you will call me if you need to?”
“I will.” Their promises are as sacred as wedding vows to Eudora.
“Okay, Eudora. I will be in touch and I will be here. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye, Petra.”
Eudora hangs up the phone with a mixture of hope and exhaustion. All she can do now is wait and pray. She sits back in the chair and closes her eyes, all thoughts of that day’s routine postponed for now.
She is woken by a loud knock at the door. Eudora keeps her eyes closed and decides to ignore it. It won’t be important. It’s never important. There’s another knock, louder this time and decidedly impatient.
They’ll give up and go away in a minute, she thinks with a sigh.
Unfortunately, Eudora has underestimated the person doing the knocking. The next sound she hears is that of the letterbox being scraped open. A sinking realization descends upon her.
“Eudora! It’s me. Rose. From next door.”
“Of course it is,” mutters Eudora under her breath. “Who else could it possibly be, shouting through my letterbox?” She decides to stay still and quiet in the vain hope Rose might get bored. She is out of luck.
“Eudora! Are you in there? I want to ask you something. It’s very important.”
“I sincerely doubt that,” says Eudora to no one in particular. There is a pause, during which she experiences a glimmer of hope that Rose has finally given up.
“Hellooo! Eudora! Are you okay? I know you’re home because I haven’t seen you leave the house today.”
“Good heavens above, it’s like living next door to the Gestapo,” says Eudora, heaving herself to her feet. “I’m coming!” she calls irritably.
“Okay! I’ll wait here,” says Rose in an obliviously cheerful tone.
Eudora huffs her way to the door and yanks it open, ready with a piercing glare. However, her furious scowl is quickly replaced with openmouthed astonishment. Rose is wearing her normal clothes—if you can call a fuchsia-pink ra-ra skirt, silver sequined flip-flops, and a fluorescent yellow T-shirt normal—but in addition, she has chosen to accessorize the outfit with a blue swimming cap and matching goggles. The overall effect is remarkable. Eudora is momentarily stunned into silence.
Rose seizes her opportunity. “Hello, Eudora. Would you like to come swimming with me?”
“What?” is the only word Eudora can find.
“Swim-ing,” repeats Rose slowly. “With. Me.”
Eudora is confused and appalled. “I don’t think so, Rose. Thank you.”
“Oh,” says Rose, chewing the inside of her cheek. “Is it the walk that’s putting you off? Because I’m sure Mum will drop us off if I ask her.”
Eudora considers this. She would like to go for a swim but would rather go alone. “I’m just not quite sure why you’d want to go swimming with me,” she says.
“We-ell, I’m a bit lonely and I think you might be too. And we both like swimming. And Mum’s tired because of the baby so she can’t take me. So will you? I’ll buy you a slushy.”
“I’m not lonely,” says Eudora, her hackles rising. “I’m eighty-five and I like my own company, thank you very much. Don’t you have any friends your own age with whom you could go?”
Rose shrugs. “My best friend, Lottie, is in Cornwall. You’re the only person I know apart from Stanley and Mum and Dad. And Monty, but cats can’t swim obviously, so . . .”
Something in Rose’s hopeful face pricks Eudora’s conscience. “Oh very well,” she says. It seems that when it comes to Rose, resistance really is futile.
“Yessss!” cries Rose, punching the air.
During the stuffy journey to the pool, Eudora starts to lose patience with Maggie, who keeps checking if she is happy with the arrangement.
“I know how persistent my daughter can be.”
“I can hear you, you know,” says Rose from the back of the car.
“I’m just saying that if you don’t want to, I would understand.”
“I have said I will so there’s really no need to ask again,” snaps Eudora.
“Sorry,” mutters Maggie. “And thank you. It’s very kind of you.”
Eudora is grateful that Rose allows her the dignity of her own changing cubicle, although she is obviously standing directly in front of the door when the old woman emerges.
“I stayed right outside in case you had an emergency,” she says.
“Thank you,” says Eudora uncertainly as they make their way to the poolside.
There’s a chaotic “Family Splash” session taking place in the teaching pool, so they opt for the shallow end of the main pool. Eudora gazes longingly at the swimming lanes, wishing she could be making her usual steady progress back and forth.
“Shall we jump in?” suggests Rose.
“Certainly not,” says Eudora. “I shall use the steps.”
“I might jump in.”
“As you wish.”
Rose grins at her. “I love the way you talk. It’s like something from the olden days.”
“Mmm,” says Eudora, lowering herself into the pool. The refreshing coolness of the water is almost healing after the stifling heat of Maggie’s car. Eudora allows herself to float on her back, relishing a momentary respite from the burden of old age.
“Coming, ready or not!” cries Rose, jumping in from the side.
“Careful!” scolds Eudora, blinking away her splashes.
“I made sure I missed you,” says Rose helpfully.
“Well, that’s a blessing.” Rose copies Eudora by floating on her back too. “Can you swim?” asks Eudora.
“Sort of,” says Rose, flipping onto her front and doggy paddling her way around her swimming companion.
“Would you like me to teach you how to do front crawl?” asks Eudora as the whisper of a memory flits into her brain.
“Yes, please. I can almost do it, but sometimes it feels as if I’m drowning.”
“Well, we can’t have that. Show me how you do it.”
Rose takes a deep breath and disappears under the water in a tangle of arms and legs before shooting above the surface with a loud gasp and then bobbing back down to begin the alarming process all over again. Eudora finds it both comical and terrifying.
“Stop, Rose. Stop!”
The little girl rises from the deep and stares wide-eyed at Eudora from behind her huge goggles.
“I can see why you feel as if you’re drowning. You look as if you’re drowning. Now stand here and watch me for a moment.”
Rose does as she’s told. Eudora swims back and forth along the width of the pool at a calm and steady pace.
Ros
e erupts into a splashy round of applause as she returns. “That was amazing! You look like a fish. Can you teach me how to do that?”
Eudora is buoyed by her eagerness to learn. “I’ll try. The key is to keep your body flat so you glide through the water. You need to get into a rhythm, and you need to remain calm.”
“Flat. Glide. Rhythm. Calm. Got it,” says Rose.
“Now, try to kick from the hip but not too often and spear your arms into the water, putting your thumbs in first with your palms facing out.”
Rose nods. “Okay, Eudora. I’ll try.”
Rose’s first few attempts are clumsy and haphazard, but Eudora soon finds that she is an excellent pupil and a quick learner. She still flails her arms like a person having a fit, but she is beginning to move through the water in an altogether more measured fashion.
“That’s very good, Rose,” says Eudora. “You’re getting it. Well done.”
Rose beams. “Thank you. I don’t feel as if I’m drowning anymore.”
“I’m very relieved to hear it.” Eudora glances at the large clock on the wall and realizes an hour has passed without her noticing. “I suppose we should be getting out,” she says with a hint of regret. “Your mother will be here soon to collect us.”
“Can we have just five more minutes? Pleeease? I could practice what you’ve taught me here and you could do some lengths.”
The idea appeals to Eudora. “Are you sure you’ll be all right?”
Rose nods. “I’ll be fine. You’re only in the next lane.”
“Very well. Remember to keep those elbows high.”
“Elbows high,” repeats Rose.
Eudora makes her way back and forth, keeping an eye on Rose, who soon bores of practicing her front crawl and seems content to climb out of the pool and jump back in over and over again. As Eudora rests at one end of the pool, she watches Rose star-jump, hop, and walk into the pool with irrepressible excitement. Eudora tries to remember if she was ever as carefree as Rose, if she ever viewed life as a joy rather than a chore. Sometimes, it’s as if she had been born an adult, always taking responsibility for anyone who needed her. Eudora had fun of course but couldn’t recall a time when she had been able to please herself. There had always been someone else in the background needing care or reassurance. She envies Rose a little and wonders, not for the first time, what life would have been like if her father had survived the war. There would have certainly been a great deal more joy to go around.
Eudora sets off on another length of the pool, deciding to make this her last. It has been an enjoyable afternoon, but she is tired now. As she nears the deep end, she spots Rose bobbing up and down.
“Help me, Eudora! I’m drowning!”
“Rose!” cries Eudora. Panicked, she bobs under the lane divider and with some effort pulls the little girl to the surface.
They emerge coughing and spluttering as Eudora realizes that Rose is laughing. “I’m not really drowning. I was just being silly.”
Eudora’s anger is immediate and white-hot. “You NEVER, EVER do that again. Do you hear me?” she shouts.
Rose’s face falls. “I’m sorry, Eudora. I was only joking.”
“You do NOT joke about such things. That is the end of our swimming for today, and for good.” She climbs out of the pool with Rose trailing after her.
They change in their separate cubicles before making their way out to wait for Maggie. Eudora’s silence is deafening. Even the relentlessly cheerful Rose can sense her brooding fury. She glances up at Eudora. “I am very sorry,” she says quietly.
Eudora gives her an imperious look but remains silent. She is exhausted now, not by the swimming, but by her anger. She longs to shake it off, but it has prompted a memory that is taking root in her mind, like a gnarly weed.
“Can I buy you a slushy to say sorry?” asks Rose.
“No, thank you,” says Eudora.
The heavy mood is interrupted by the arrival of Maggie, bustling in through the entrance. “Sorry I’m late. The traffic out there is appalling. How was the swimming? Did you have fun?” She spots their expressions and grimaces. “Oh dear. What’s happened?”
Eudora would rather go home than embark on this cross-examination, but Rose is ready to confess. “It was all going really well, Mummy. Eudora showed me how to do front crawl and I did brilliantly. Eudora said so. And then I did a silly thing and now Eudora is upset with me. And I’m very sorry.”
Maggie winces apologetically at the old woman before kneeling in front of her daughter. Eudora looks away as she reaches out a hand to tuck a stray piece of hair behind Rose’s ear. “What happened?”
Rose steals a glance at Eudora before answering. “I pretended I was drowning and it frightened Eudora.”
“Oh, Rose,” says Maggie.
Fat tears leak from Rose’s eyes. “I know it was the wrong thing to do and I’m very sorry. Please forgive me, Eudora.”
Eudora is aware that two sets of eyes are on her now, imploring her to forgive, expecting that a simple apology will make up for how she is feeling. “It was a very irresponsible thing to do,” she says.
Rose nods. “I know. I promise I won’t ever do it again.”
Eudora glances at Maggie. Her expression is an open book, begging her to forgive her daughter, a mirror to Rose’s. Eudora sighs. “Oh, very well. Now, please can we go home? I’m exhausted.”
“Yes! Of course. Thank you,” says Maggie. She reaches out to squeeze Eudora’s arm.
All these public displays of emotion, thinks Eudora as they walk to the car. No wonder the world is in such a mess.
As soon as they reach home, Rose leaps from the car and opens Eudora’s door. “Do you need help getting out?” she asks, eager to please.
“No. I’m perfectly capable, thank you,” says Eudora, hauling herself to her feet and heading toward her house.
“Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?” asks Maggie.
“No. No, thank you,” says Eudora without a backward glance. “Goodbye.” Once inside the house, she shuts the front door and leans against it. Her hands are shaking. She’s not sure whether it’s from fear or anger. She does know, however, that this is the last time she’s going to allow her feelings to be hijacked by a small girl with terrible taste in clothes.
1950
Brockwell Lido, South-East London
“Can’t catch me for a toffee flea!”
“Slow down, Stella. You’ll slip over!” warned Eudora as her sister skipped out of the changing cubicle into the busy sunlit pool area.
“Don’t be so boring, Dora. You sound like Mum,” said Stella over her shoulder, although she paused long enough for Eudora to fall into step with her.
Eudora placed a hand on her head. “I need to keep you safe. You’re my precious girl.”
Stella beamed up at her sister. “Shall we jump in?”
“I’m not sure we’re allowed to,” said Eudora, glancing over at the list of pool rules attached to the wall.
“It says no bombing or diving but nothing about jumping. What’s heavy petting?” asked Stella, frowning at the sign.
“It’s er—”
“Hi, Eudora, I haven’t seen you for a while.”
Eudora turned to see Sam Buchanan, the most popular boy from her school days, standing in front of her. She kept her smile locked on his face in a brave attempt to avoid looking at his rather prominent pectoral muscles. “Oh, hello, Sam. Off for a swim?”
Of course he’s off for a swim, you foolish girl! Why else would he be at the lido?
Sam nodded. “I’m here with Bill and Eric. We’ve already been in, but I might go for another dip in a minute.”
“Dora,” said Stella, pulling at her sister’s arm. “Can we get in now?”
“Sorry,” said Eudora, rolling her eyes at Sam. “Duty calls.”
“Catch you later,” said Sam with a wink.
Eudora can hear the pulse of her heart as she and Stella approach the pool. Sam Buchana
n spoke to her! And he was pleased to see her too! She felt a thrill of possibility; a hint of something different in her humdrum life. It wasn’t easy existing in a domestic bubble with her mother and sister. It was as if the pair of them had cast her in the role of piggy-in-the-middle and she was destined to play it until she could escape their situation. Eudora loved them both dearly but wasn’t sure how much longer she could endure their enmity. The thought of a precious moment’s escape with a boy like Sam gave her hope.
“Come on, Dora. Let’s jump.”
Eudora glanced over to where Sam was sitting on the side with his friends. He gave her another cheerful smile. She almost blushed at the fact that he had clearly been looking her way. Eudora dared a wink in reply as she grabbed Stella’s hand.
“Jump!” she cried.
“Yippee!” shouted Stella.
Their giggling leap into freedom was short-lived as they made a terrific splash into the pool and were rewarded by the sound of a sharp, chastising whistle from one of the lifeguards.
“No bombing,” he barked with a finger-pointing frown. “Final warning.”
“We didn’t bomb. We jumped,” protested Stella.
“It’s all right, Stella. We shouldn’t have done it,” said Eudora. “Sorry,” she added, looking up at the lifeguard, her cheeks hot with shame. He nodded in reply. Eudora cast a look over toward Sam but he was nowhere to be seen.
“Come on, Dora,” said Stella. “Let’s try to talk underwater.”
Eudora smiled. This was a game they liked to play. “Okay. One, two, three.” They took deep breaths and ducked under. Stella looked comical as she mouthed words in an attempt to communicate. They giggled as they rose to the surface.
“What did I say?” asked Stella.
“I have no idea,” replied Eudora laughing.
“God save the King!” cried Stella.
“Very good,” declared Eudora. “Now, shall I teach you some swimming?”
“Aww, Dora, swimming is bor-ing,” said Stella.
“Not if you don’t want to drown. And besides, what are we doing here if not to swim?”
“To splash!” cried Stella, batting the water with her palms.