by Annie Lyons
She starts to pack after breakfast. It doesn’t take long. Eudora tries not to dwell on the fact that she only requires a certain number of outfits now. She puts her official documents in the orange foolscap folder she bought specially and lays it on the bed alongside her small wheeled suitcase. It had been a gift from the bank when she retired. “For all your future adventures, with best wishes,” said the card. If only they knew.
Eudora stands back and appraises what’s left of her life. It doesn’t look like much, but then what are humans when it comes down to it? We arrive with nothing, accumulate far too much, and leave with nothing. The thought makes her breathless with dizziness and also resolved to telephone Stanley. The last thing she needs on her trip to the airport is a yawning hollow of silence in the back of a taxi, forcing her to contemplate the enormity of what she is about to do.
He answers after three rings. “Stanley? It’s Eudora. I wanted to ask if the offer of a lift to the airport still stands.”
“Of course. I’m a man of my word. What time’s your flight?” His tone is cursory. Eudora regrets the loss of their jocular, easy chatter in some ways, but it will make things easier in the long run.
“Thank you. I’m traveling tomorrow. My flight leaves from Gatwick at 1:50 p.m.”
“Okay. I’ll pick you up at ten o’clock to give you enough time.”
“Thank you. That’s very kind.”
“Right-ho.”
Eudora stares at the handset for a moment after he’s gone. It’s better this way. Better for everyone.
The journey to the airport is mercifully short. Luckily, Stanley has the radio on and they’re playing the music quiz he likes. Eudora doesn’t join in this time. She is struck dumb with nerves. She wants to get to the airport and get on with it now. As they approach Gatwick, she notices Stanley following the signs to the car park.
“You can just drop me off at the terminal. I don’t want to put you to any trouble.”
“It’s no trouble at all, Eudora,” he says. “I can help you with your bags and make sure you check in okay.”
Eudora can see how determined he is. She doesn’t want an argument today and besides, she would appreciate someone to help her find her way. “That’s very kind.”
Stanley is true to his word. He escorts her all the way inside, waiting while she checks in for her flight.
“Thank you, Stanley. I’ll be fine now,” says Eudora. She’s not sure how to say goodbye. She sincerely hopes he’s not going to try and hug her.
Stanley glances at his watch. “You’ve got hours to wait. How about a coffee before you go through?”
Or a stiff whisky, thinks Eudora. She is surprised to realize how welcome she finds his suggestion. She thought she would be happy to banish Stanley and face this alone, but in the cold light of day, and with the hours stretching before her, a little human company is precisely what she needs. No sense in dwelling on the inevitable. “Yes, very well. Thank you.”
Eudora finds a table while Stanley fetches the drinks. It’s the first time she’s ever been to an airport and is finding the hum and chatter of its constant activity rather dizzying.
“Here we are,” says Stanley, setting the drink in front of her. “A white coffee just as the lady likes it.”
“Thank you,” says Eudora, momentarily thrown by the thought that it is the last time they will do this together. She bats away memories of that magical night at the pizza restaurant with Stanley and Rose.
Focus, Eudora. The wheels are turning. This is no time for emotion.
“Are you looking forward to your holiday then?”
Stanley’s question pulls Eudora back to the present. For a second, she wonders what on earth he’s talking about and then remembers her half-truth. Eudora doesn’t enjoy lying. It’s not in her nature. Part of her longs to tell him the truth, to share it all. It would be a relief in some ways, but she knows it’s impossible. He would never understand. She hopes he might comprehend it a little after he’s read her letter. She regrets the fact that there’s no alternative to her course of action but consoles herself that he has Sheila and Rose. They will survive without her. “It will be good to get away,” she says, stirring her coffee with a teaspoon.
“Shame you didn’t give me a bit more notice. I might have come with you.”
Stanley’s hurt tone pricks Eudora’s conscience. “It’s best this way,” she mutters.
He frowns. “What’s going on, Eudora?”
She studies her cup, avoiding his gaze. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that you’ve changed.”
“No, I haven’t,” she says indignantly, starting to regret her decision to agree to coffee.
Stanley fixes her with a look. “Yes, you have. Ever since Rose started school, actually.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She longs for him to leave, longs to be on her way and for this all to be over. She doesn’t want Stanley to lift the lid on the feelings she has carefully packed away.
“Oh, don’t you? Then let me spell it out for you. You’ve become distant and unfriendly. I thought you were someone I could rely on. A friend. But when I wanted to talk to you about Sheila, you cut me off like you didn’t care. And I found that hurtful, Eudora. I thought we were friends.”
Eudora doesn’t know what to say. She stares straight ahead.
“See?” continues Stanley. “You can’t even look me in the eye, can you? You think so little of me. Why is that, Eudora? Why can’t you let people reach out to you? Why do you push us all away?”
Eudora is breathing fast now. This is exactly what she wanted to avoid, but it feels as if she’s at the top of a hill about to hurtle down the slope. She can’t hold back much longer. Maybe it’s time to speak the truth. Stanley is staring at her now, waiting. She knows she owes him an explanation, that she’s let him down. Eudora keeps her eyes fixed forward as she speaks. “Everyone I’ve ever cared about has left me. And you will too.”
“What do you mean?” asks Stanley, frowning as he tries to understand. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Eudora takes a deep breath. No going back now. “No. But I am.”
A shadow of fear clouds Stanley’s face. “What are you talking about? You’re going to Switzerland.”
She turns to face him. She needs to look him in the eye as she says it. “To die, Stanley.” She is surprised by the sense of calm that descends on her when saying this out loud.
Stanley slumps back in his seat. It takes him a while to speak. “No,” he says, shaking his head in disbelief. “You can’t do that.”
Eudora folds her arms. “I’ve decided. I wasn’t going to tell you, but you may as well know.”
He’s still shaking his head. “I don’t understand. Why would you do that?”
She fixes her gaze on him. “Because I’m old and tired and done with life. My body is failing me. It’s time. I want to choose the way I die, and this is the only way to do that.”
“But what about the people left behind. What about Rose?”
Eudora shifts in her chair. “Rose has her family and school friends. She will be fine. She will forget about me. And so will you,” she says quietly.
Stanley shakes his head rapidly. “You’re lying to yourself and you’re wrong. We’re your friends. We care about you. We want you to be happy.”
Eudora sighs. “You can’t make people happy. I tried to make my mother and my sister happy but I couldn’t. People make their choices, and this is mine.”
A bloom of red rises to Stanley’s cheeks. “And that’s it. You’ve made your choice and to hell with Rose and me?”
Eudora glares at him. His refusal to see her side of things galvanizes her determination. “Of course not, but I need to be in control of my death. Surely you can understand that.”
Stanley shakes his head. “I don’t understand at all. I watched my Ada die right in front of my eyes. It was the most peaceful thing I’ve ever seen. She slipped away.”
“That’s what I intend to do. I want a good death like Hannah described when she gave the talk at our group. But it’s not possible in this country. Everyone is so busy trying to save your life rather than just letting you go.”
“But you’re going too soon. You’ve still got life to live.”
Eudora purses her lips. “I’ve made my decision. I’m sorry you can’t respect that.”
Stanley throws up his hands. “And that’s it, is it? You’re just going to go all on your own, chasing after your so-called good death.”
“I can assure you, Stanley, that my chasing days are far behind me.”
His eyes flash with anger. Eudora has never seen him like this. “Well, let me tell you something, Eudora, and I never thought I’d say this. I think you’re a coward.”
Eudora is affronted. “I am not a coward. It is my life and my death, and I will end it as I see fit.”
“And you think this will be a good ending, do you, alone in some stuffy room instead of surrounded by people who love you? You’d rather some strangers did it for you? Why can’t you let it happen naturally?”
Eudora is angry now. Why won’t this infuriating man understand? She jabs a finger as she speaks. “Because I don’t want to end up like my mother, dying alone in the hospital, my life prolonged unnecessarily. I want to go on my own terms.” She bangs her fists on the table as she says this, slopping coffee into the saucer.
Stanley lets out an exasperated sigh. “You’re not your mother, Eudora. Why can’t you realize that? And you have so many reasons to live, people who care about you and need you, who love you, who’d be there for you to the end if only you’d let them!” Eudora shakes her head. She doesn’t want to hear this. It’s too late. Stanley’s phone begins to ring. He forces his gaze from Eudora to the screen. “It’s Rose. She’s trying to FaceTime me.”
“You’d better answer it then,” says Eudora, grateful for the interruption.
“Hello, Rose. No school today?” says Stanley, glancing at Eudora as he answers.
“No, I’ve got a cold. I thought I’d phone to see if you’d arrived at the airport? I love airports.”
“Yes, we’re here,” says Stanley. “I’m just having coffee with Eudora.” He holds up the phone so that Eudora can see Rose’s face.
Eudora’s throat goes dry. She forces herself to speak. “Hello, Rose. Sorry to hear you’re not well.”
“I’m okay,” says Rose. “Are you excited about your holiday? I wish I could come with you.”
Eudora avoids Stanley’s gaze. “I think you’ll have more fun with your new school friends.”
“Mmmm. When will you be back?”
Eudora sees sadness in her eyes. “What’s wrong, Rose?”
Rose sniffs. “Nothing. Shall I show you a coin trick? Stanley taught me.”
“What’s wrong, Rose?” repeats Eudora. “Is it Jada?”
The little girl shrugs. “It’s nothing.”
“Tell me, Rose. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.”
Tears spring quickly to Rose’s eyes. “She’s being mean. She started off all friendly, but now she won’t talk to me and she won’t let anyone else be friends with me either. It’s exactly the same as at my last school.” She sobs as the words tumble from her. Eudora catches sight of Stanley’s worried expression. “Sorry,” says Rose, wiping her tears with balled-up fists.
“It’s all right, Rose,” begins Eudora.
“So when are you coming back?” she asks, her face hopeful with forced bravery. “It’s my birthday soon. I need you to help me plan my party.”
I need you. Eudora swallows. She can feel Stanley’s eyes boring into her. “Listen carefully, Rose. This is very important. You are the most remarkable little girl I have ever met. You are clever and funny and wise. Jada doesn’t deserve a friend like you. You must ignore her and find another friend—someone who is worthy of you.”
“You’re my friend, Eudora. You’re the most remarkable old lady I’ve ever met, and I bumped into Mary Berry with Mum once. She’s lovely but nowhere near as lovely as you.”
Eudora doesn’t realize she’s crying until she notices the teardrop on her hand. She hears a voice in the background at Rose’s house. “That’s Mum calling me for lunch. Sorry, Eudora. I’ve got to go but I’ll see you soon, okay? I miss you. Bye.”
Eudora dabs at her eyes with a freshly pressed handkerchief as the little girl’s face disappears from the screen. “Goodbye, Rose,” she says. “I’ll miss you too.”
August 1940
Sidney Avenue, South-East London
“More tea, dear?” asked Beatrice, gesturing toward the Sadler teapot nestled in its hand-crocheted cozy. The cozy was the product of a recent period of intense domestic activity on Beatrice’s part, which had also resulted in a room-by-room spring cleaning, three new dresses for Eudora, and several pairs of socks for Albert.
“Your mother is nesting,” said Albert to Eudora one night when he was tucking her in to bed. “It’s something mummies do when they’re getting ready for their baby’s arrival.” Eudora wished her mother would stop. The whole thing was making Beatrice extremely irritable. Eudora didn’t see why it was necessary to hang new curtains in the living room. It wasn’t as if the baby would notice. Her mother seemed to be wearing herself out. The thought of being left alone with her after her father’s departure was making Eudora sick with nerves.
“I’ve got time for one more cup,” he said. “Thank you, darling.”
Beatrice’s face lit up. As the years rolled by, Eudora would often return to the truth that no one ever made her mother smile as her father had. She reached for the milk jug. “Oh dear, we’ve run out of milk. Eudora, would you be a dear?”
“Of course,” said Eudora, carrying the jug to the kitchen. She could hear her parents talking in low voices. Eudora lingered by the door so she could eavesdrop on what wasn’t meant for her ears.
“I don’t know how I’m going to manage, Albert.”
“You will, my darling. Dora is a good girl. She’ll help you.”
“But she’s just a child. I wish you didn’t have to go.”
“I know. So do I.”
“What will happen, Albert? What will happen to you?” Beatrice’s voice had a hysterical edge, her words melting to tears. Eudora heard her father’s chair scrape against the floor as he moved forward to comfort his wife.
“It’s all right, my darling. Everything will be all right. Shhh now, don’t cry. You have to be strong and promise me you’ll go back to Suffolk at the first hint of danger.”
“I promise,” she said in a muffled voice.
Eudora waited until she heard her mother’s sobs subside before returning with the milk. Her father stood up as she entered the room and smiled at her. He placed a hand on Beatrice’s shoulder and held out his other to Eudora. She put down the milk jug and reached for it as Beatrice looked up, resting a hand on top of Albert’s.
“My wonderful girls,” he said. A shaft of sunlight was streaming through from the garden and everything was bathed in light. Eudora would recall this moment whenever she was in need of comfort. She had felt so loved, standing in the radiant warmth of her father’s presence.
Eudora accompanied her father to the end of the road. Beatrice accepted his advice to stay at home and rest. They both knew it would be too much for her. Eudora had hopscotched up and down the pavement while she waited for them to say goodbye.
“Careful you don’t step on the cracks, or the bears might get you,” said Albert with false cheer as he joined her on the street and they fell into step.
Eudora gave a weak smile but inside her stomach was churning. She reached for his hand. He squeezed it in reply as they walked in silence. She wanted this moment to last forever and she most certainly didn’t want to let go of his hand. Albert kept a steady pace. Eudora’s heart sank as they neared the end of the road.
“Can I walk with you to the train station?”
Albert gazed d
own at her. “I’m sorry, Dora. Your mother would worry and so would I. Let’s say our goodbyes here, eh?”
Eudora panicked. They hadn’t even reached the end of the road. There were at least a dozen paces to go. Albert saw her distress and knelt down in front of her, hands resting on her shoulders.
“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well,” he said. “You don’t need to worry, Dora. Whatever happens, I’ll always be here.” He placed a reassuring hand over her heart, kissed her on the cheek, and took his leave. Eudora blinked back tears, wiping her eyes with the handkerchief her mother had pressed for her yesterday. She had to be as brave and strong as her father now. She turned swiftly and marched back along the street, taking care above all else to avoid the cracks in the pavement.
Chapter 20
The kitten is Eudora’s idea. She checked with Maggie and Rob first of course before asking for Stanley’s help in finding a suitable candidate. He agreed without hesitation. Their relationship had changed since that day at the airport. After Eudora had finished the call with Rose, she told him everything: about her father, mother, Stella, and even Sylvia. She wept as she recounted Stella’s sorry story and the lifetime of regret she had packed away as a result. At first, Eudora was mortified at her own open display of feelings, but when she saw Stanley’s face, so understanding and compassionate, she realized there was no need.
“You do understand that none of this was your fault, don’t you?” he said, eyes wrinkled with kindness. “You did your best for your mother and sister, but you’re not responsible for their lives and how they chose to live them.”
Eudora stared at him openmouthed before a great gaping sob rocked her body. Stanley shuffled his chair nearer and, without hesitation, Eudora buried her face in his shoulder. He held her close and let her cry. He didn’t need to speak. His steady embrace was enough.
Eudora now knew that she couldn’t go to Switzerland. She hadn’t been able to help Stella, but she was going to make sure she helped Rose. She wouldn’t leave while there was unfinished business to attend to.