‘Don’t, Andrew.’
He slumped back against the sofa. ‘What’s the matter?’
She paused, looking at him. Did she really want to do this now? She might spoil their whole night.
‘What is it, Lizzie?’ he asked with a bit more tenderness.
She took a breath. ‘We don’t seem to have a relationship any more.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘We used to talk and talk all night.’
‘I just don’t want to talk about work,’ he protested. ‘It’s been a long day and I want a break.’
‘Okay,’ said Liz, ‘but aren’t there other things to talk about?’
‘Fine, go ahead, you want to talk, then you do the talking,’ he said, picking up his glass again and sitting back.
Liz decided to push ahead. She’d been wanting his input on something for a while anyway.
‘Well, you know my work hasn’t been very fulfilling for some time,’ she said.
He nodded.
‘So I’ve been toying with the idea of going back into surgery.’
‘Why would you want to do that?’ he frowned.
‘Same reason you’re doing it. Because it’s exciting, and a challenge . . .’
‘That’s not why I’m doing it. You know I don’t really have a choice, I’m the breadwinner. Do you have any idea how often I look at your life and envy it? Regular office hours are something I can only dream about.’
‘Then why didn’t you do another specialty?’
He rubbed his eyes. ‘Liz, you know all the reasons why. I was already a surgeon by the time Danny was diagnosed. To start all over again then would have been impossible, the study, the hours. Why do you want to go over old ground?’
‘I don’t,’ she said. ‘I’m just saying, things aren’t as green as you imagine on my side of the fence. I’ve never stopped missing surgery, you know how much I loved it.’
‘You shouldn’t be thinking the grass is greener for me either,’ said Andrew. ‘Don’t forget the hours, the stress . . . It’d impact on our time together.’
‘So what are you saying? I should put my life on hold so I’m available at your beck and call, whenever you have a spare moment to drop in for a quickie?’
‘Hey,’ he said, putting his glass down and turning to her. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Andrew, you’re it, you’re the only partner I’ve got. I would appreciate your support when I share things like this with you.’
‘Okay, but Liz, you have to know you’d be a long shot for a surgery program.’
‘I realise that, but I’ve been looking at the criteria –’
‘You have? So you’re serious about this?’
‘That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you,’ she insisted. ‘Anyway, a letter of recommendation from a surgeon of your reputation –’
‘Liz, you can’t ask me to do that.’
She stared at him. ‘Why not?’
‘Well, ethically . . .’ He just shrugged, like it was so obvious.
‘Andrew, you worked with me, you were my supervising registrar.’
‘Ten years ago,’ he reminded her. ‘And yes, you showed promise back then, but I don’t know what kind of weight that would hold now. And anyway, you know I can’t write a letter . . .’
‘Because we’re sleeping together,’ she said flatly.
‘It opens us up to all kinds of scrutiny, if someone wanted to dig a bit and challenge it.’
‘I don’t believe I’m hearing this.’ Liz shook her head, slamming her glass down on the coffee table. She got up off the sofa and walked over to the window.
Andrew followed her across the room.
‘I have made so many sacrifices and compromises for you,’ said Liz, without looking at him, ‘and for your wife, and for your kids. People I don’t even know. Danny’s needs are paramount, and you can’t forget about Samantha, and then Jennifer needs support, so your job is vital. And I come last.’
‘No you don’t,’ he said, placing his hands gently on her shoulders. ‘Not to me.’ He turned her around then, to face him. ‘I know it doesn’t always seem that way to you, and I’m sorry for that. But you have to know that you are so precious to me, you are the best part of my life. And because of you, and only you, I can face the rest of it.’ He held her face in his hands. ‘You’re the only thing keeping me together, Liz, and that makes you more important to me than anything else.’
Later, after they’d had sex, and Andrew had left, Liz lay awake staring at the ceiling for a long time. She knew she was important to him; she knew his life was hard and that she made it easier. She gave him something he couldn’t get anywhere else. It was selfish to think about herself, her needs, when his needs were so much greater, when he needed her so very much. That’s what love was all about, wasn’t it?
But there was a voice inside her that had been murmuring away in the background for a while now. Lately it had started to grow louder and more insistent.
What’s in it for me?
Surry Hills
By the time Ellen and Liz arrived at the bridal salon, as Emma insisted on referring to it, Cara had already been and gone and Tayla was standing on a podium while a seamstress knelt at her feet, pinning up the hem.
‘Hi,’ Evie greeted them with a forced smile.
‘You look great,’ said Ellen, kissing her on the cheek.
‘How much weight have you lost?’ Liz added as she kissed her on the other cheek.
‘I’m not sure,’ she shrugged. ‘I haven’t really been keeping track.’
‘Okay Tayla, I think you’re done,’ Emma was saying. ‘You can take her back to get changed now, Evie.’
‘Wow,’ Ellen turned to Tayla, ‘don’t you look gorgeous.’
Tayla was clearly chuffed.
‘That’s a beautiful shade,’ Liz remarked. ‘What do you call that, Em?’
‘Champagne,’ she said briskly.
‘So is that just for Tayla?’ Ellen asked. ‘Or are you thinking about it for everyone?’
‘I’m not thinking about it – I’ve decided. This is the colour. Kate’s already in the dressing room getting changed, so hurry along, Liz, and we’ll get this over and done with as quickly as possible.’
As they ducked behind the curtains, Ellen whispered to Liz, ‘What’s her hurry?’
‘I don’t know. She must have to dash off somewhere.’
‘Yoo-hoo, Kate, I’m here,’ Ellen called.
A moment later Kate stepped out of one of the cubicles. She looked lovely; the dress was simple but beautifully cut, and the colour was perfect. ‘You look stunning. Come on, let’s go show Aunty Em, I think she’s going to be very pleased with the effect.’
She was, though still oddly businesslike about it all. Kate was up on the podium having her hem adjusted when Liz, Evie and Tayla rejoined them.
‘I really do like this colour,’ said Liz, doing a twirl in front of the mirror.
‘I’m glad you approve,’ said Emma, ‘but I was having it anyway.’
Liz and Ellen glanced at each other. What was she so tetchy about?
‘Why are we just standing here, Mother?’ Tayla whined, tugging on Evie’s arm. ‘We have to go, it’s four o’clock already.’
Evie sighed. ‘It’s a sleepover, Tayla, you’ll be there all night. Another half an hour is not going to make a difference.’
‘But everyone else was getting there at four!’ she carped.
‘Hey Tayla,’ Kate said, ‘you know it’s so not cool to be the first at a party. The coolest people arrive after everyone’s there and make an entrance. And how many of your friends will be able to say they’ve been to get fitted for their bridesmaid dress?’
That got her thinking, and shut her up in the bargain. Evie mouthed a silent ‘Thank you’ to Kate. ‘Still, we better be on our way. Sorry we don’t have more time. Haven’t seen you all in a while.’
‘Hmm,’ Liz agreed. ‘Everything okay?’
‘Yeah, busy, as always.’
‘Motherrr!’
‘Okay, bye everyone.’
‘So am I done now, too, Aunty Em?’ Kate asked after they left in a flurry of hugs and kisses.
‘Yes, sure, you can go and get changed again.’
‘Great, thanks, I need to get going as well.’
‘Oh, okay,’ said Ellen. ‘The thing is, I drove Aunty Liz here, so if you can just wait till she’s finished –’
‘It’s all right, Mum. I’m meeting some friends in the city,’ she said, stepping down off the podium.
‘Oh, you’re not going back to your father’s?’
‘No. Dad’s got something on tonight anyway.’
Ellen felt a ripple of irritation down her spine. So Tim couldn’t even rearrange his hectic new social life around one weekend a fortnight?
‘What about Sam? What’s he going to do?’ she asked Kate.
‘I don’t know,’ she shrugged.
As she disappeared behind the curtains, Ellen took out her phone and flipped it open. ‘I should ring and find out what’s happening with Sam.’
‘No, you shouldn’t,’ said Liz, quickly snatching the phone from her.
Ellen blinked. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Saving you from yourself,’ she said. ‘Sam is Tim’s responsibility this weekend.’
‘But if he’s not taking that responsibility seriously –’
‘– it’s none of your concern,’ Liz finished.
‘She’s right,’ Emma chimed in. She’d been circling Liz, pulling and tucking and adjusting the dress as she went.
Ellen regarded them both, crossing her arms. ‘You know, they are my kids, I think I know what’s best for them.’
‘I’m sure you do,’ Emma said, yanking Liz’s straps in at the back so the bodice lifted. ‘But they’re Tim’s kids too, so he gets to do what he thinks is best when they’re with him.’ She came around in front of Liz. ‘Ah, there’s your cleavage! I knew it had to be in there somewhere.’
Liz pulled a face.
‘Can I have my phone back?’ Ellen asked her.
‘Not if you’re going to call Tim,’ said Liz.
‘I’m not going to call Tim.’
‘Are you going to call Sam?’
‘Are you telling me now I can’t call my own son?’
‘I just don’t think you should do it tonight, you’ll only make yourself upset.’
‘I’m already upset,’ she returned. ‘Now I’ll be worried about him all night as well.’
‘How about I buy you a drink when we’re finished here?’ said Liz. ‘Take your mind off it.’
Ellen gave a grudging shrug.
‘Won’t be much longer,’ Emma said sharply. ‘We just need to do your hem,’ she added, helping Liz up onto the dais.
‘That’s fine,’ said Ellen. ‘No hurry.’
‘Well, I don’t want to take up your time when you’ve obviously got other places to be.’
‘We’re only going for a drink,’ said Liz. ‘Have you got to be somewhere?’
‘No,’ she said simply, glancing at her watch. ‘Not for hours anyway.’
‘So what’s the big rush?’ Liz persisted.
‘I don’t want to hold you up.’
‘Would you stop saying that?’ said Ellen. ‘We only just decided to go and have a drink. It’s not like we had big plans or anything.’
‘Why don’t you come with us if you’re not doing anything?’ Liz suggested.
‘That’s all right,’ said Emma. ‘You’ve already made your plans.’
‘What plans? We just decided. Do you know any places we could go around here?’
‘I know a few.’
‘Good, then we can walk.’
‘Will my car be all right? It’s parked on the street,’ said Ellen.
‘Of course. Surry Hills isn’t what it used to be,’ said Emma.
‘So you’ll come?’ Liz asked her.
Emma hesitated for a moment, then the beginnings of a smile hovered around her lips. ‘Okay, then, I guess you talked me into it.’
‘I think we should have champagne,’ Liz announced, studying the wine list. ‘Seems appropriate – champagne to toast the champagne.’
Emma had led them up the street and around the corner into the next block, to quite a glam little bar that was decked out all retro style.
‘So you do like the colour?’ said Emma, after Liz had ordered the champagne.
‘I really do,’ said Liz.
Ellen was nodding. ‘And it looks so good on everyone. How did you come up with it?’
‘Oh, it’s all right,’ she shrugged. ‘You don’t have to pretend to be interested.’
‘But I am interested.’
‘I’m interested too,’ said Liz. ‘You haven’t told us anything lately. You haven’t sent any emails for a while either. Is everything okay?’
Emma glanced around, avoiding eye contact with either of them. ‘Oh, well, I think I was a bit too concerned with pleasing everyone, and getting everyone’s input. I needed to remember whose wedding it was and make a few decisions on my own.’
‘Well, this one was a good one,’ said Ellen. ‘I remember you said that once you had the colour, everything else would fall into place?’
‘That’s right.’
‘So?’ Liz prompted when she didn’t elaborate. ‘Tell us.’
‘It’s okay, you don’t have to act interested.’
‘Would you stop saying that, Em?’ said Liz. ‘You’ve gone from the sublime to the ridiculous. Are we going to have to beg?’
That was all the encouragement she needed, and Emma launched into a lengthy description of her quest for the perfect bouquet. The waiter returned with the champagne and they toasted the bridesmaid dresses. Emma had moved on to menus by the time the waiter returned to top up their glasses.
‘Anyway, that’s enough about the wedding,’ she said finally, sensing their interest flagging. ‘What’s going on with you two?’
‘Well, since you asked,’ said Liz, ‘I’m toying with the idea of going back into surgery.’
‘You’re kidding?’ said Ellen.
‘Can you do that?’ asked Emma. ‘Is it possible?’
‘Probably not,’ she shrugged. ‘I’m probably having myself on. I’m getting too old, I’d be competing for a place along with all the young guns straight out of medical school.’
‘So what’s brought this on?’ Ellen asked her.
‘I always wanted to be a surgeon. The only thing I wanted to do more was have a family, so I took the safe option, a specialty with no emergencies, regular hours.’
‘I didn’t realise that,’ Emma mused.
‘So much for being the brains of the family, eh?’ said Liz with a lame smile.
‘You’re still young enough to have a family,’ said Ellen pointedly. ‘If you put yourself out there.’
‘And that’s enough about me,’ said Liz. ‘Your turn.’
Ellen glanced warily at them. ‘I’m thinking of applying for a job in a private school.’
Emma’s eyes widened. ‘Ooh, what will Mum and Dad have to say about that?’
‘I know,’ Ellen groaned. ‘That’s the only thing stopping me.’
‘Nonsense,’ Liz declared. ‘They coped when I went into private practice.’
‘That’s because you can do no wrong,’ returned Ellen. ‘You’re a specialist.’ Emma chimed in on the word ‘specialist’.
Liz stared at them. ‘Oh that’s crap. If anyone can do no wrong, it’s you, Ellen.’
‘We’ll see about that if I leave the public system.’
‘So you really are going for this job?’ said Emma. ‘You’re not just thinking about it?’
‘I don’t know,’ she sighed. ‘I don’t know if I even want to go into the private system, but money’s so tight at the moment, I have to do something. But it all feels too hard. You should see the application alone. And then if I actually get an interview,
well, look at me. I just haven’t had the time to fuss over myself lately. Look at my regrowth,’ she said, dipping her head.
‘I noticed,’ said Emma.
‘And I don’t have anything decent to wear for an interview.’
‘I can help you with all that,’ said Emma.
‘Thanks Em, but I wouldn’t fit into any of your clothes.’
‘Of course not,’ she dismissed, like it was a given. ‘I’m talking about taking you out shopping.’
‘I can’t afford it right now, Emma. That’s why I need the job.’
‘You don’t understand,’ she persisted. ‘I have sources. I can take you direct to designers and probably find you samples. You’d be surprised how inexpensive they can be.’
‘I’m sure I would be.’ Surprised at what Emma would rate as inexpensive. ‘Look Emma, it’s really nice of you, but I just can’t be thinking of new clothes for myself now, with all the expenses for the wedding.’
Emma frowned. ‘What expenses do you have for the wedding?’
‘Kate’s dress, and shoes, and well . . . everything.’
‘But you’re not paying for any of that.’
‘That’s really generous, Em, but I can’t expect you to do that, and it isn’t fair to everyone else –’
‘What are you talking about?’ said Emma. ‘I’m paying for every one else.’
‘You don’t have to do that, I can afford it,’ said Liz.
‘That’s got nothing to do with it,’ said Emma. ‘What planet are you girls from? The bride pays for her bridesmaids, that’s basic etiquette.’
‘I don’t remember paying for yours,’ Ellen mused.
‘Of course you didn’t – you were nineteen years old and we were all still living at home. Mum and Dad paid for everything.’
Ellen was frowning. ‘Still, I don’t know . . .’
Emma waved her hand. ‘It’s already taken care of. You’re not even going to know how much the dresses cost.’
‘Seriously?’
‘End of discussion,’ Emma said firmly.
‘Well, in that case, let’s order another bottle of champagne,’ Ellen declared happily. ‘On me.’
‘Better make it on me,’ said Liz, beckoning the waiter. ‘You still have your car to pay for.’
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