by Radclyffe
We gathered, somewhat reluctantly. Sara elbowed me, I elbowed her back. Tasha glanced our way and rolled her eyes. It was my turn to blush.
Nadine paused for dramatic effect, one eyebrow arching upward as she looked over. I tried to look contrite while she waved the piece of paper in her hand like a flag. “Well, my dears, not that you deserve it, but it seems that Grace Smythe is interested in seeing our little production! She’ll be here on opening night.”
All fourteen of us gaped at her for minute or so. Grace Smythe was one of the biggest critics in the country for women’s theater so this was huge. Most of the time, we were lucky to get a paragraph on the local “LGBT Things to Do Calendar.” If Grace Smythe liked us, on the other hand, we could play to full houses, maybe even go on tour. Not like New York or L.A. or anything crazy like that, but maybe Pride somewhere big enough that we hadn’t dated more than 75 percent of our audience.
Looking around, I could see everyone else thinking the same thing. Except Tasha. Her face had lit up like a candle, and she was wearing an expression that suggested that she was thinking about something bigger than our dating prospects. All of a sudden, my stomach felt like it had lead weights in it. There was no reason that she shouldn’t think big: she had a real theater background, and she was good, better than me even. She could move on and up. And away.
Nadine sensed weakness and sidled up to me, resting her hand on my shoulder. She ignored my small flinch. “So,” she continued, still trilling a bit, “I know that you’ll all want this opening night to be our very best, which means all-day rehearsals. And, of course, you will all know your lines and entrances without prompting by tomorrow.” There were two or three groans, one of which might have been from me. “Now let’s get to it,” Nadine finished as if she hadn’t heard a thing. She squeezed the back of my neck, then let go and walked away, heading purposefully for Tasha.
“What do you think she gets out of it?” Sara murmured.
“I dunno. Power. Glory. The eternal gratitude of the Immortal Smythe.” I watched Tasha give Nadine the full power of her most charismatic smile and sighed again. All I knew was that I wasn’t going to get anything out of it: I was a decent actor when I was on, but I didn’t have the chops for even off-off-Broadway. Not like Tasha. I shoved the growing ball of insecurity down into my gut where I thought I could ignore it for a while. “Well, whatever it is, Nadine’s going to take it out on us if we blow it, so I suggest we get back to rehearsing. I’ve got to leave for work soon.”
Sara didn’t move out of the way when I starting walking, so of course I bumped into her. She caught my arms when I staggered, and our eyes met from just a bit too close. There was a look in her eyes that made me feel pretty weird. I mean, we’d known each other since freshman year. She was my best friend, not someone I’d think about that way. My mouth went dry and I tried to step back.
“Hey, wake up in there. What is it with you tonight anyway? I just wanted to say that I was kidding before. You’re a great Viola.” Sara looked earnest and that extra something, whatever it was, disappeared like I’d imagined it.
“Yeah, I know. Goof.” I nudged her and grabbed my dress for the first scene, the one right after the shipwreck. My tunic and tights for my trouser role scenes were already hanging on the rack. You had to love Twelfth Night: girl disguised as boy meets boy who loves other girl who falls in love with girl disguised as boy. In short, gender-play, subtext and the chance to flirt while showing your legs off. It always made me wonder if Shakespeare spent more time with Marlowe than the history books suggested.
Everything went to hell after that. Tasha was the exception, but even she seemed distracted. Right after Chantay flubbed her lines for the third time, Nadine exploded. After twenty minutes of being told that we were completely devoid of talent, something clicked in my head. Why was I doing this at all if I wasn’t going anywhere with it? I surprised myself by turning and walking out without a word.
I could feel them all staring after me, mouths open. Truthfully, I would have been doing the same thing if it had been anyone else walking out. I wasn’t sure where I found the guts to do it either. Of course, my manager at the coffee shop had said she’d fire me if I kept being late for my shift, and I did need to pay rent. At least I could be a terrific barista even if I couldn’t act professionally, though that dream was dying hard.
Sara and Tasha caught up with me about a block away from the theater. “BJ!” Sara’s voice was insistent behind me, but it was Tasha who reached out and grabbed my arm to stop me. My stomach did a few leisurely flips, while I wondered how they’d found the nerve to follow me. Nadine must’ve called a break.
I met Sara’s eyes and cringed. I’d never seen her look so upset. Her tone matched her expression. “What the hell are you doing? You can’t walk out on us like this.”
I wondered how long there’d been an “us” to walk out on. Sara had never cared much about Bardic Women. She threatened to quit at the end of every season when the company shrank back down to Nadine, the two of us, and whoever couldn’t get an internship somewhere else. I wondered why she stayed, but it was a thought I kept to myself for the moment. “I have to get to work.” I hated how whiney I sounded, but there didn’t seem to be much I could do about it.
“Fair enough, but then say that. We thought you were bailing, like, forever.” Tasha raised an eyebrow. “It’ll be hard to pull this show off without a Viola, and I don’t know if I’m up for being a last minute understudy.”
Ah, yes, now I knew why she was here. Tasha’s expression was pure innocence, but I couldn’t help seeing something calculating swimming just below the surface. She hadn’t followed me because she suddenly cared. She just wanted to know if I was coming back. Truthfully, Viola probably should have been Tasha’s, but I had seniority, so I got the star part. Of course, giving her Viola now just might give me a shot with her.
Suddenly I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to do that. Sara was looking from Tasha to me and what I could see of her expression from the corner of my eye was weirdly blank. “Oh, yeah. I’d forgotten that Nadine made you the understudy for Viola.” I kept my tone as casual as I could. Here went nothing. “Look, I’ve got to get going. I’ll be back tomorrow to talk to Nadine, but I’m fine if you rehearse the part today.”
“What?” They both spoke at once.
I didn’t look at Sara when I said it; something told me that whatever expression she was wearing, I didn’t want to see it just yet.
Tasha hesitated just long enough to give the impression that she had her doubts about this. I tried not to hold my breath. If this got me anywhere with her, I’d be “patience on a monument, smiling at grief,” as Viola put it. It would be worth it. I hoped.
Tasha suddenly threw her arms around me and gave me a huge hug. “Thank you!” She stepped back, cheeks glowing with excitement, managing to look as though her reaction was spontaneous. “I’ll talk to Nadine and explain about you having to go to work and me filling in. See you tomorrow, BJ!” She took off toward the theater, leaving Sara and me staring after her.
Sara exhaled like she too had been holding her breath. “I’ll walk you to work. I need a break from Nadine anyway.” She headed toward the coffee shop and I trailed after her, my mood still yo-yoing up and down. “So what was that?”
I waited to be told that I was a complete idiot. When that didn’t happen, I glanced sidelong at Sara. She was frowning down at her high-tops, not even looking my way. Honestly, I wondered if I was being an idiot, too. Tasha seemed grateful right now and this grand gesture might get me somewhere with her for a little while, but was that all I wanted? I decided to deflect my personal angst. “You ever think about dating anyone in the company?”
Sara jumped about a foot and stared at me with enormous hazel eyes. “Why? What have you heard?”
Oooh, I’d struck a nerve. I gave her my best swarmy grin. “It’s the talk of the changing room.” She kept staring at me until I felt guilty. “Okay, I made that part
up. Not sure what’s actually going on, but I was thinking that you and Nadine had a lot in common.”
Sara went bright red and turned away. “And it’s just coincidental that if she was chasing me, she’d leave you alone? Of course not. This is all about my best interests, right, old pal? After all, Nadine has a lot to offer: starring parts in the plays, being just one small element.” Her voice sounded like she was off the planet somewhere and not in a good way.
“Ouch. I didn’t sleep with her to get Viola and you know it. And you do have some things in common: grad school, knitting, all that stuff. Anyway, it’s not like your romantic horizons look any brighter than mine right now.” I could feel her stiffen and realized that I probably should have left that last part off.
Sara spun around, one finger pointed at my nose. “Don’t you dare try and unload your cast-off crushes on me, BJ Drake! I know full well that you strung Nadine along for months before Tasha came along and she suddenly got inconvenient. What was it, was she a bit too old or maybe just not hip enough for you? You’re a real piece of work, you know that? As of right now, I’m officially giving up on you!” She was nearly hyperventilating when I caught her hand and pulled it down away from my face. We stared at each other for a second too long, then she yanked her arm free and took off, back toward the theater.
What the hell? I stared after her, my insides churning. I thought about going after her, but then I really would be late and probably fired. Instead I went to work, my head swimming with the different women in my life. I hadn’t led Nadine on, had I? I admitted that I had stopped thinking about her six months back when Tasha showed up. But that was just because Tasha was gorgeous and we had a shared love of acting. And…I’m sure there was something else if I just thought about it. Besides, since when did Sara care? I was baffled.
The next day, I was back at the theater, groggy but ready to make decisions. I’d spent part of my sleepless night memorizing Duke Orsino, since I was pretty sure that was the way the wind was blowing. The question was whether or not Nadine would go for it.
As luck would have it, she was waiting for me when I got there. “What’s this about you not wanting to play Viola?” Her voice was set to non-trill, which didn’t come as too much of a surprise.
I waded in. “Let’s face it, Tasha’s a better fit for the part than I am. I’ve got a lot of Orsino ready to go, if that helps.”
“Maybe I don’t think Tasha’s right for this role. Does it ever occur to you that I might actually know what I’m doing?” Nadine scowled at me. “Are you just going to blow Viola’s part if I insist that you play it?”
Man, first Sara, now Nadine. “Why the hell is everyone so down on me all of a sudden? You want to impress Smythe; maybe I’m not the one to do it.” I crossed my arms, glaring back at Nadine. I scared myself a little when I realized that I actually meant it. That was really going to hurt when I had time to think about it.
We were still having a stare down when Tasha showed up. “Hi there. What are you two up to?”
Nadine turned a momentarily icy look her way. Tasha’s face froze, which lasted right up until Nadine started talking again. “I haven’t made any decisions about changes in casting, if that’s what you mean.”
Tasha flinched slightly. “Sorry! I didn’t mean anything, really.” Her eyes darted to mine, their expression pleading. This should be good for at least coffee after rehearsal. I made myself not smile as I cleared my throat to make the big speech I’d thought up on my way in.
Nadine held up a hand and frowned. “All right. I think we’ll try it today with Tasha as Viola and see how it goes. I don’t like it, and you switch back again. No arguments. Do I make myself clear?”
Tasha nodded like a bobblehead while I took the more laid-back single nod approach. That was when the rest of the company started to trickle in, fortunately, so we went off to get into costume. “How pissed off is she?” Tasha muttered softly at me as we grabbed our respective pairs of tights.
“Not thrilled. But that’s all right. I’m sure we’ll wow her.” I grinned at Tasha like I meant it and waited for the pleasant internal flip of my belly to tell me that my crush was still going strong. When that didn’t show up, I started to get worried but decided to make my move anyway. “So after rehearsal…”
But Sara was frowning at me over Tasha’s head, so instead I switched to, “Hi, Countess. How’s tricks?” At least I could pretend everything was normal.
Sara raised an eyebrow. “Tricks? I might ask you the same thing. Are we Viola today or someone else? Or have we switched plays and are now doing The Tempest?”
Tasha snorted. “Henry V.”
“I was going to say Richard III. The answer to your snarkily phrased question is that, yes, Nadine said we could try switching roles for today.” I finished tugging on Orsino’s doublet and shoes before bowing low in Sara’s general direction. “Until later, fair lady.” She rolled her eyes and we left to go onstage.
My first scene with Tasha was awkward, filled with missed lines and flubbed cues and all the other flotsam and jetsam of a poorly rehearsed production. Then she hit her stride. By the time she had her first scene with Sara as the Countess, she was smoking up the stage. Sara was stiff, reluctant to respond, but too much of an actor herself not to. By the time they were done, I could believe that the Countess was falling in love with Viola.
It was a surprisingly unpleasant feeling. I was being upstaged. It got worse when I saw Sara giggling offstage with Tasha. Nadine walked past me as I watched them. “Do better, or else we’ll have you playing Sir Andrew Aguecheek,” was all she said. That got me sufficiently pissed off, seeing as Sir Andrew’s an idiot, that I went into the alleyway and rehearsed my next scene until I hardly needed to look at the page.
Then I stomped back in and was the best Duke Orsino I could be for the rest of rehearsal. Nadine gave us all a nod of approval as we finished up the last scene, the one in which everyone finds their true love and everything is set right. I still had my arm around Tasha when we finished our bows: I had very nearly forgotten that the Duke wins her in the end. That was something, at least.
She shrugged loose from my arm the minute we finished, bolting over to Nadine like she had wings. I watched her go and felt some of the smitten run out of me like I’d sprung a leak. “You know,” Sara said thoughtfully from somewhere near my right ear, “she’s starting to grow on me.”
“Because she’s after my part and she’s likely to get it? Or because she’s oblivious to my charms?” I crossed my arms and scowled.
“Both. She’s giving you some competition, and frankly, you needed it.” Sara was studying her nails like they were going to do something interesting.
“Indeed?” I stalked away, then slowed down and tried to stroll toward Tasha and Nadine like I hadn’t a care in the world. I couldn’t help but notice that Nadine wasn’t glaring at Tasha anymore.
In fact, she turned around as I walked up and threw her arm around my shoulders like we were the best of buddies. “I take it back, BJ dear. You were right. I think Grace might really go for this.” She was glowing and eyeing Tasha in a speculative way that was quite familiar.
I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. Was the whole world topsy-turvy today or what? Tasha eyed Nadine right back and switched the wattage on her smile just a bit higher. I was looking at the new Viola, that much was clear. “Congratulations,” I muttered through clenched teeth.
Tasha barely glanced at me. “I’ve got tons of rehearsing to do. Nadine, do you think you’ll have time to help me go over my lines again tonight? I want to make sure I’ve got everything perfect.”
Nadine’s arm vanished from my shoulders like smoke. “Certainly, dear. Let me just finish up with the rest of the cast.” Dear? I was “dear.” She glanced at me. “Decent Orsino, BJ, but you need to pitch your voice a bit farther to make sure that you’re audible in the back.” She patted my arm and walked off like I was yesterday’s news.
I was standing the
re with my mouth open when Sara walked up. Gently, she lifted my lower jaw until my lips closed and I jerked my head away. “I suppose you think this is pretty funny.”
“Nope.” She stopped as if thinking about it. “Well, maybe a little. You can’t say you didn’t have some of this coming. You played one too many games this time around.” I was staring moodily off into space, determined that I wasn’t going to respond. “I’ll call you later, if I get back at a reasonable hour.”
Startled, I gave her a long look: makeup, black leather boots, green silk shirt with a plunging neckline. She looked hot. Really hot. “You’ve got a date!” I said, realizing that it sounded like an accusation.
She pursed glossy lips at me in an air kiss and left me standing there like an idiot in a doublet and tights while the lights went out around me. Now what? I changed into my street clothes, cursing Nadine and Tasha and Twelfth Night under my breath the whole time. I couldn’t really blame Sara, seeing as it was my dumb idea in the first place.
I did wonder who she was going out with tonight, though. Funny that she hadn’t mentioned that there was anyone she was interested in. I wondered if she was cuter than me, whoever she was. Now where had that come from? An idea bubbled up from my little brain as I headed outside to go to my lonely little efficiency. I dismissed it firmly….
Only to have it work its way back up to the surface later on that evening when I was eating my leftovers in front of the TV and fending off the cats. Clearly, I was getting nowhere with Tasha and that wasn’t going to change. So I was back to contemplating all the other constants in my life. It was a short list. I thought I knew who’d be left standing at Bardic Women after this production was over, for instance. But this time, I wondered if the list would include me.
That was when it occurred to me to wonder why Sara stuck around, show after show. She wanted to study and teach drama, not actually perform. Then I remembered how I thought she’d looked at me yesterday. Oh. So this was what a facepalm moment looked like from the inside.