by J. N. Pack
Meggie bursts out laughing. LaLa just glares a moment before collapsing in a fit of laughter, “Me one him none. We got to even the score.”
My mouth forms an O and Meggie just keeps giggling. I’m shaking my head when I announce, “On that note, I’m going to find a bathroom, if I don’t see you before you and Carlos dip out, have fun!” I stand from the couch and my eyes find the only pair of eyes in this building that had the ability to break me and I know in that moment that he recognized me. He knew exactly who I was, and he hated me. Those eyes haunted my dreams and caused more chaos in me than the entire twenty-twenty election.
Chapter 5
I drop my chin and my eyes away from him. I turn quickly searching for the restroom. Only finding that the line is about fifteen people deep. I could feel the familiar crack in my chest and not even alcohol could erase the pain I was feeling. The familiar itch was quickly returning to my arms and it took all of my concentration not to scratch them. Probably should have taken my meds. I’ve been putting it off for a while now, but the anxiety is digging at me in this moment. I lean back against the wall and swipe the hair away from my face. I can still feel the alcohol burning my gut, but now it’s circling with nausea. I should probably get out of here. I glance back down the hall and just as I start to turn back, I’m caged in by a pair of muscular arms. I tense and slowly turn to face who has me trapped. I move in slow motion and am met by a pair of the darkest brown eyes in this building. The tension eases, but only a little. It’s not Caelan, but I have no idea who has me caged against the wall. He leans against me and I push on his chest. He freezes, but doesn’t move any further away, “I’ve been watching you dance all night. You’re hot. You wanna go upstairs with me?” His speech is slurred because of the alcohol cursing through him and his movements are slowed, but he’s still got strength on his side. I glance around looking for someone familiar to help me out of this situation and find no one. I push against his chest again, but I can’t find my voice. He leans in and tries to press his lips to mine and I turn my head and try to push him away. His mouth is on my neck and I’m squished against the wall cringing. I squeeze my eyes closed and it’s not even a minute later he’s snatched off me and tossed to the floor. Angry eyes land on me and then him. These eyes terrify me, but not for the reason you probably think. These eyes terrify me because they have the ability to obliterate me. He turns away from me and starts hitting the guy. I’m frozen there with my eyes wide open. Then I see Tanner charge in and try and pull him off the guy. Meggie comes to me, but my eyes are unable to focus, because I’m dead in the middle of a panic attack on top of being drunk and shocked all the way to my core. She pulls me from the wall, but I’m only able to pull myself three feet from where I was.
Tanner pulls him free from the guy and he is yelling in the guys face. The only words that ring through all of it, “…she’s a lousy fuck anyways!” Tanner jerks away from him and my eyes search the dirt on the floor unable to form a coherent thought. I can feel eyes burning into me from every direction, but the ones that mattered the most were the ones standing right next to me and the other two sets across the room. Nobody says anything for two full minutes, just looking back and forth between the four of us. Me, Tanner, Caelan, and Meggie. I can’t lift my head; I can’t pull my eyes away from the floor and when the first tear drips from my cheek and falls to the floor everything happens in slow motion. Meggie reaches for me as I run towards the door. Tanner goes after Caelan and chaos erupts in my wake. Tears are streaking down my face at a record pace and I hear Meggie shouting behind me, but I was always faster than her.
I’m a couple blocks from the party when the rain comes. My chest is so tight I’m finding it impossible to suck in a breath. My phone has been buzzing in my pocket constantly the past fuckin’ ten minutes and I have no clue where I’m going. I just know I can’t go back to my dorms right now. Part of the truth came out to night and it caused the people I love to hurt, and I can’t face that. I can’t bring myself to face them. I’m standing in the rain a couple blocks from school staring up at the rain falling from the Heavens. I spin with my arms wide open and scream! A man rushing down the street on the other side of the road jogs a little faster. I’m in a hell of my own creating. My tears are washed away by the rain and my shoulders slump forward. When the rains finally subside, I’ve been walking around for forty-five minutes. A car pulls to the curb beside me and someone jumps out circling the car and coming to my side, “Pip!” Jaxon throws his arms around me and shoves my face in his chest as the tears wrack my body. When I finally somewhat calm down, he whispers, “Come on sis. Let’s get you in some dry clothes.” He maneuvers me towards the car opening the door for me to climb inside.
When he climbs inside, I quietly say, “I don’t want to go to the dorms tonight.”
He nods knowing, “I’m taking you to Shelby’s. She has an apartment close to campus and we’re going to stay the night there tonight.”
I nod pulling my phone from my pocket and flicking the screen on. I clear all seventy-eight missed calls and start reading the text.
Unknown: Why’d you have to come here?
I knew who sent that message and it brought fresh tears to my eyes. He really truly hates me, and he has no idea the secrets I carry. No idea the things I’ve done.
Tanner: Pip call me or Meggie please.
Meggie: Please call me I’ll come get you!
Tanner: Just let us know you’re safe please
Unknown: Where the fuck you at Piper?!?!
Unknown: It’s fuckin’ raining!
Meggie: I’m calling Jaxon! I’m losing my shit.
Meggie: Please call me.. or Tanner.. or Jaxon
Jaxon: OMW Lil Sis! Don’t turn your phone off.
I’m shivering and tense and tired. No longer drunk in the least, but still feel like puking effects of the alcohol.
Jaxon glances over at me, “You wanna talk about it?”
I shake my head quickly and lean my head against the passenger side window closing my eyes to try and escape the panic I felt. Tanner now knew about Caelan. He doesn’t know the when or what went down, but he knows that at some point there was a Caelan and I. I wished I could forget.
When Jaxon pulled up to Shelby’s he doesn’t immediately turn the car off. He stares straight ahead. “I was there that day Pip. I saw your face. I know there was more to your panic than just second guessing. I also know that you checked your phone at least a dozen times. At one point you even smiled. I don’t have to know the details, but I do need to know if it was Cael on the other end of that phone.”
I refuse to look at him and instead stare down at my hands in my lap. He glances at me for a minute and when he realizes that I’m not going to give him an answer he nods his head and then lowers his head. When the front door to what is a really a town home opens, he cuts the engine. “She’s really nice Pip.”
I nod and he comes around opening the door for me.
Once we’re inside I can hear him on the phone, “Yeah man I got her she’s with me.”
It was a one-sided conversation, “Yeah I’m going to kill that dick… Just tell Meggie she’s fine and I’ll bring her back in the morning.”
Shelby brought me some of my brothers’ joggers and a tee shirt and I stand under the spray until the water no longer burns my skin. I stare at myself in the mirror when I get out. A tear leaks from my eye and I close them and sink to the floor allowing myself to fall apart in private.
Later that night while I’m wrapped up in a thick comforter on Shelby’s couch trying to fight out the chills that I have due to being in the rain tonight, I pull my phone out and look over the texts again. I reply to Caelan’s text.
Piper: You can’t hate me any more than I do
I don’t expect a reply, so I turn over and try to fall asleep knowing after tonight the nightmares will come. When my phone buzzes I pick it up and flick the screen on so I can read the message.
Unknown: Wanna bet?
/> I quickly reply.
Piper: Sure
When it buzzes again, I don’t even bother to look at the message. Sleep doesn’t find me easily tonight. I’m plagued with memories and then his words. I have to concentrate to keep from scratching at my skin as the anxiety grows stronger and stronger. I start focusing on everything around me and it helps to quiet my head. I concentrate on the drip from the sink in the bathroom. The noise from a party still happening down the street. The cars as they pass. There’s a TV playing next door and every few minutes I can hear music from it. I focus on the snoring from down the hallway, that is for sure not coming from Shelby. My eyes begin to drift closed and for the moment all is quiet.
***
“She’s a lousy fuck anyways!” His eyes turn to me and the beautiful smile turns wicked. His eyes fill with hate. “Lousy fuck.” Then another set of eyes turn to me. Pain filled them and my heart stuttered again. I tried to suck in a breath, but now they were both staring at me. Coming for me. Reaching for me. “Lousy fuck.” My body refuses to let me move. To let me breath. I reach for him and he swats my hand away. I reach for the other and he steps away. The pain in my chest intensifies. I turn back to him and he’s smiling, but it’s no longer beautiful. I step away from him and he comes for me, circling his hands around my throat and laughing.
***
My brain is trying to process what’s happening as my body is shook. Everything is foggy and I can hear muffled sounds, then Jaxon, “Fuck! Wake up Piper.” I’m fighting through the fog and my eyes start to peep open and he’s there with his hands firmly gripping my shoulders. “What the fuck Pip?”
I glance around and Shelby is standing back by the wall close to the hallway scared. A shiver runs through me. When I first open my mouth I croak out, “Whhaaa… what’s wrong?”
“You… You were screaming in your sleep. You literally had tears running down your face.” His face was six shades whiter and his hands shook slightly.
I glance back at Shelby and then Jaxon again, “I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you, either of you.”
Jaxon stands, “No, no, no, back the fuck up. Who the hell scared you like that? Why are you having nightmares like that?”
I shake my head quickly as tears began to sting the back of my eyes again. “Nobody Jax. I’m fine. I’m sorry.”
He growls and turns swinging and nearly punches a hole in Shelby’s wall. Terrified she dashes down the hall and locks herself in the room. He looks from me to her and then he takes off down the hall and I can hear him begging her to let him in and please talk to him. I grab my phone and leave. I should have never come here. I should have stayed away. I’m even causing pain for my brother and he’s the last person I ever wanted to hurt.
Chapter 6
It took me a half hour to get back to the dorms. Meggie is curled up asleep when I get there. I take a quick shower and pull on some of my own clothes. I lay in my bed and notice a missed text message. I open it.
Unknown: What the fuck does that mean?
There’s no need to reply. He’ll never understand. I hurt them all. I messed up and I can’t fix it. I closed my eyes and for the first time in a long time, I don’t dream.
I wake to someone talking. When I open my eyes, I see Meggie sitting on her bed on her phone and pull myself to a sitting position. She quickly ends the call and sits on the edge of my bed. “You okay?”
I shake my head as she climbs up the bed and wraps her arms around me and I cry into her chest. After a few minutes I begin calming down. She asks, “What’s up with you and Caelan? I didn’t know you two knew each other. I can’t give her that yet. I know once all of this is out, I’m going to be alone and I can’t. Not yet. So, I just shrug it off. She is one of the very few people who won’t push me to talk. We stay there for hours just lying there. Her scrolling through her phone and me just trying to sort my head out. I thought I had all of this figured out before I got to campus. I thought I could handle it. Maybe I was wrong. So wrong!
At noon my phones buzzes and I look at the text. Meggie had slipped out a little while ago to go meet LaLa for lunch.
Jaxon: Sorry Sis. Don’t hate me please.
I smile because I could never hate my brother. He’s had my back and took care of me in some of my worst moments. I know he didn’t mean to scare me, but I had scared him.
Piper: Never! Love you!
Jaxon: I hope you know that you can come to me and talk to me about anything. I’ve got you Pip.
I wasn’t. I really wasn’t, but he couldn’t handle my truths. I could barely handle them. I grab my journal from beside the bed and write for the first time since leaving France.
Sooo it’s been a while. I don’t really know where to start. France was hard, but this… this is killing me. I know I lose when this all ends. They don’t understand what I’ve done and when they do, they’ll hate me just like he does. Even he doesn’t know everything, and he looks at me with resentment. Tanner says he’s okay with me leaving him at the altar and that he understood, but he really won’t when the truth comes out. He will hate me. Meggie smiles, but she knows deep down that once I tell everything that our friendship will never be the same. Me, her and Tanner were a trio. We did everything together. Went everywhere together. I really am happy that they’ve been drawn together because after this they are going to need each other. I’m not ready to lose them, but my time’s running out. Especially with Caelan here. He’s on the team with Tanner. He’s Tanner’s friend. Of course, I didn’t know this until recently, but still. He’s going to tell Tan. When he does, I lose. I always lose in this scenario. I wish I could just disappear. I wish things were different. I wish… he loved me.
The tears were streaking down my face. The picture I keep stored in my journal falls to my chest and the tears intensify as I pull it to my chest and curl up in a ball under my blanket and let the hurt take me.
When I hear Meggie’s keys jingle in the lock I put the picture back in its place in my journal and put it on the corner of my night stand. I quickly turn away from her side of the room and pretend to be sleeping. She’s talking on the phone and I can tell the conversation is about me.
“I’m just worried about her. Somethings going on and she’s not talking…” Meggie.
She is shuffling around on her bed and I hear papers rattling. “She’s having anxiety attacks too. She thinks I don’t notice, but I have.” More shuffling. “I know, I just don’t know where or when Caelan fits in the picture.” She sighs. “Yeah, I’ll talk to you later. Love you.”
My insides hurt. I hate that she is worrying about me. I hate all of this. I close my eyes and force myself to sleep. The dreams come…
I’m drowning and trying to swim to him. Trying to reach him. I’m almost there and just as I get within reach, he swims away. Leaving me to sink. I try to push through the water, but I can’t. I try to take a breath and there’s nothing. No air comes. I’m suffocating on water. I see him smiling down at me as I sink.
I sit straight up in bed. Sweat is pouring down my body. I’m drenched in sweat and I’m shaking all over. I glance over to Meggie’s bed which is empty and then the window. It’s dark out. I drop back down on the mattress rubbing my hair from my face. I need a shower. My sheets were soaked, my clothes were soaked, everything was soaked so I stripped my bed. After putting fresh sheets and blankets on my bed I grab some clean clothes and stand in the shower until the water runs cold. After finally washing my hair and body I climb from the shower.
After dressing I go back to my bed and turn my kindle on. I click on the book I’ve been trying to read for the past week. It’s Saturday so I’m sure Meggie is at some party and won’t be back anytime soon. I have plenty of time to get sucked into the world Sheridan Anne created before my world comes crashing back to reality.
Before I know it I’m on the last page of the book and my reality is quickly creeping in on me. A text comes through to my phone and I check it.
MOM: P
iper Ann Burrows! I’ve been calling you all week and you refuse my calls. Your brother is no help, he just keeps saying you’re busy. So now I have to text you and I don’t like this. Texting is overrated. Why did I receive a hospital bill for you from France? What the hell happened over there? You have until Friday to call me or I’m coming to ask you face to face. Time is running out.
Well shit! She’s pissed and I don’t blame her, but she can never know what happened in France. She is already pissed because I didn’t marry Tanner. Hell, she will completely disown me if she finds out what happened. I close my phone and switch it off. I get the bottle I’ve been avoiding from the bedside table and pop one in my mouth. I then turn over in the bed and force myself to sleep. The dreams come again, but this time they are different, but just as heartbreaking.
Things are spinning. The whole room is spinning. There’s a doctor standing at the end of the bed I’m sitting on and he is smirking. Everything inside of me is quenching tighter and tighter. The doctor starts laughing now and I don’t understand what is happening. I don’t understand why he is laughing. Then Caelan is standing beside him. Caelan is angry. He is staring at me. He then points his finger at him and shakes his head. I reach for him. He laughs, “I fuckin’ hate you Piper.”
I sit straight up in the bed. I am trembling and I reach for the bottle on the nightstand taking one of the small pills in the bottle. I glance at my watch realizing it’s nearly noon. I’d slept late. Good thing it is Sunday, and I don’t have class. I climb from the bed and pull on a pair of jeans and a long sleeve tee shirt making my way to the library. I go to the section that has books on different countries and pull a book about New Zealand, Australia, and Fiji. Instead of going back to a table I drops to the floor by the bookshelves. I first open the book about New Zealand and start making a list of places to explore. New Zealand’s oldest national park is home to three active volcanoes, and they were at the top of my list of places to explore. I have to visit Whangarei falls and the ancient Waipoua Kauri Forest. I’d always wanted to learn about the Maori culture. This was the best place to do it. I almost got a page full of things to do when Tanner quietly asks, “Running away again?”