by Shey Stahl
“I’m sorry for how you ended up here…but I’m glad that you came. For whatever that’s worth.”
“Me too.” Holding my face in his, looking at me with soft, sad eyes, his voice shook. “I…” he swallowed “...I have to go to Anaheim next week.”
I smiled, my voice just as shaky. “I know.”
And we left it at that because deep down we knew. We knew everything would change after Anaheim.
CHAPTER 12
Rowan Jensen
Dust Bowl
This is a condition when the track is very dusty and causes limited vision for riders. It’s referred to as a dust bowl.
September 10, 1997
If I ever had to ever pick a time when I was the happiest, it was that summer with Parker. I got to know him more every day. We spent every day together riding in Belfair, camping out by the creek or watching movies together. By the end of August, I didn’t feel whole unless I was with him sneaking out to the tree house or the clearing or messing around in his truck.
It didn’t take long and school began. Between classes and frequent trips to the parts room, a few things happened. Parker and I didn’t get much sleep those first few days of school, making up for the time when we couldn’t be together.
Parker had met with Yamaha on multiple occasions, but we avoided talking about it. Like a dust bowl track, I was seeing this relationship with limited vision.
Avoiding the inevitable, I was the happiest I had ever been. For once in my life I felt like I belonged to more than my family. I belonged to a boy. I, Rowan Jensen, had a boyfriend.
Just like most things in my life, it came to end.
That morning, Parker called and asked if I could meet him at the shop after school.
He’d missed the last few days of school since he had to travel to Anaheim to meet with Lonnie, the Yamaha representative. His voice seemed off which had me concerned, but I was so excited to see him, I decided to look past that and just be thankful we were going to be together.
When I got to the shop, everyone was gone. Parker stood leaning against the side of the shop with his head bent forward, staring at his feet.
Though he didn’t say anything, I had a feeling why he flew to Anaheim again and what this meant. He signed a contract with them.
We both met at the shop and without saying a word, we walked silently around the back, out of view from the traffic along Shelton-Matlock Road.
“You’re leaving?”
Our pace slowed to barely moving as a light mist of rain fell. He nodded and then sighed without looking at me. Instead, his eyes focused on his feet while he mumbled, “I got a factory ride with Yamaha. My flight leaves in three hours.”
I nodded and then shrugged, swallowing over the lump in my throat and trying to be strong.
What did I really think was going to happen?
I knew Parker was a good rider, and when the Yamaha reps began hounding him, I knew it was a possibility. Hell, Parker told me it was a possibility.
Who was I to hold him back from his dream? No one with that kind of raw talent would go unnoticed.
“It was a summer romance, Parker.” I sounded so broken in that moment it was hard to even get the words out. “I wasn’t expecting us to get married or anything.”
Parker’s eyes shot to mine, stunned maybe by the harshness in my tone.
His head tilted sideways and his brows pulled together as though he was in pain. “Summer romance?” His voice broke a little at the end as he nodded a couple times. “That’s what you think?”
“Parker, let’s just call it what it was.” I felt the tears pooling and threatening to spill any second. “We’ve known for a while it would come to this.”
“That’s all it was to you?” He squinted, as if the sun was in his eyes but it was just a ploy to stop his glazed eyes from revealing the emotion he didn’t want me to see.
Tears couldn’t be helped; they slid down my heated cheeks. They felt cool compared to the temperature of my face.
“I didn’t go into this thinking…” I let out a whoosh of breath as I tried to continue but couldn’t. I lost it completely and starting sobbing.
Parker reached out to me, pulling me against his chest, and whispered in my hair. “Please, Ro, I don’t want—”
A sharp pain radiated through me. I wouldn’t let him finish before I shoved him, my hands struggling to maintain strength. “Just go, Parker.” I pushed against his chest. Rain drops on the only sweatshirt I hadn’t taken from him coated my hands. “You don’t want to be late. Good luck.”
Parker cocked his head staring at me, holding my gaze.
I wanted him to be happy, I did. I wanted Parker to be happy more than I wanted myself to be happy. I had to let him go so he could reach his full potential.
I started to walk away when he reached for me once again, spinning me to face him. “You’ll never―” His eyes blinked quickly before his hand slipped away from mine and he gave up. The cool breeze shook me without the warm comfort—cold and aching just like it was when he was away from me.
I could tell by his expression he was both angry and confused at my response. I knew it wasn’t just a summer romance to either of us, but facing reality wasn’t an option for me. I didn’t want to.
Without saying anymore, I left him standing there and walked back to my truck around the front of the shop. When I got inside and saw him still standing there looking at me, I lost all will again and cried. There was no emotion to describe that moment; no words could clarify it. It was what it was. I definitely didn’t want to fist pump the air. I wanted to punch the air for taking away the boy I loved.
Parker had a talent and I wasn’t going to hold him back. I also didn’t want to be that girl that sat around at home wondering if her superstar boyfriend would call. Just like that, everything changed. My life changed.
Parker flew to Anaheim after that and followed that dream. He was signed as a factory rider with Yamaha in the AMA Supercross Series for the 1998 season.
It didn’t stop me from keeping up with him. I used the internet to watch everything I could on him and learn everything I could on his racing career.
Reading articles about him made me realize how little I knew about it. I didn’t know when he won his first race or who his idol was. I didn’t know stats or career highlights.
I knew Parker O’Neil. I knew the aqua blue that held me in the moonlight. I knew the dark mess of hair and what it felt like to run my fingers through it. I knew his strong body and the way it felt pressed against mine. I knew his favorite CD was the Lonestar one he kept in his player at all times, a country boy at heart. I memorized his every move, but I didn’t know him.
I never knew what the scar above his eye was from or the burn on his shoulder that resembled an exhaust pipe. I never knew why he wore a brace on his left knee or the story behind the five inch scar on it.
I never asked, and he never said.
Parker had dreams and they were his dreams, something he didn’t share with me.
But maybe he didn’t share it because our time together was short and limited. I wasn’t sure I would have the answer, but I still followed him because my heart wouldn’t let go.
I’d like to say I continued on as though I was fine but I wasn’t. Nothing about me or my life was the same. Once again, words couldn’t describe what I felt nor could words describe how devastated I was with his departure. It literally was as if my world just stopped turning for this one boy and now he was gone.
There were times I had to take a few deep breaths to mentally prepare myself for another day, another hour without him, and another day of letting go.
Letting him go was easier said than done. I dreamed about him every night. That smile and those blue eyes haunted me. Suddenly, I was pulled back into his world, and I was willing to go too. I looked forward to sleeping just so those eyes could hold mine. When I closed my eyes, we were together and I needed that just to move on.
Why did i
t hurt so bad? Why did I love him more now that he wasn’t here than I did when he was? Why did I let him go? I let him go. I did that. I could have stopped him…but I didn’t.
Slowly, I had to come back to reality. The warmth faded, my smile fell, and my conscience reminded me that Parker was gone.
I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t. I wanted him here with me. I wanted our summer where everything was the same for once and not changing. I wanted to look out my bedroom window and see the dust cloud and the hum of his 250 screaming through the forest.
When I least expected it, I would see a commercial for the upcoming season with Parker standing next to a few competitors. Honestly, my television was always on ESPN in hopes that I would catch a glimpse of him.
And those were the moment his memory would come to me, and I would smile remembering his shy smirks and sighs and the clothes I stole from him.
I missed my boy.
CHAPTER 13
Rowan Jensen
Off Camber
This is a turn where the outside of the curve is sloped downward.
September 28, 1997
It didn’t matter that I was in full-blown depression. I still had to work and go to school. Thankfully, Addy was there to keep from turning into traumatized little ball. She would have rather been spending time with her boyfriend, but she was there for me helping me through it.
She was there for me every night when I would fall apart providing endless patience and giving me plenty of time to hurt because hurting was what I was doing.
The only distractions I had from that hurt was of course school and work.
Sunday mornings were always quiet since we were technically closed, but the shop was usually open while I finished up paperwork from the previous day. Being at the shop was the one place I felt close to Parker. When I closed my eyes, I would imagine that he was here, working, and when I opened my eyes, I would imagine that he was standing in front of me, smiling, waiting to drag me back to the parts room. But he wasn’t.
That’s when Sean found me. I was actually surprised that Addy wasn’t there that morning, but she called and said her and Justin went to the beach for the weekend.
Justin had stayed in Shelton. Usually, Justin would have went with Parker and his family, but once he started dating Addy, he couldn’t leave. He got an apartment and went to work for my dad full time to be with his girl. Part of me was insanely jealous of Addy because her boy stayed and mine left. I wondered how Parker felt about Justin staying too.
I had all these thoughts and conclusions and just plain confusion in my head and no real way to wrap my mind around what happened, so I was just there, depressed and just there.
Sean cocked his head at me and pushed a cup of coffee my way, leaning towards me. “Are you okay?”
For such a simple question, it was a loaded one for me. Parker filled that question with shy smiles and fading memories. My urge to cry was stronger than I wanted it to be. Addy wasn’t there and Sean was with open ears ready to listen.
So I did. I bit the bullet and told someone how sad I was and how much it hurt that my first heartbreak was destroying me.
“I miss Parker.” I said, bowing my head, my cheeks getting hot.
“Sorry,” Sean said, not really reacting to my confession. “That first heartbreak is always the worst, huh?”
I nodded, feeling the tears I didn’t want to shed slide down my face.
I wasn’t sure why, but he asked me out after that which seemed weird. I said no because it was too soon. I wasn’t sure I would ever date again after Parker. I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
Sean shrugged, his eyes getting cold, his smile falling from defeat. “Maybe next time?”
“Yeah, next time.”
Sean nodded as an understanding look came over him. “I’ll hold you to it,” he said and then raised his brows at me, his eyes getting softer.
I never thought other boys found me interesting. In my mind, Parker was the only one. So now I found it strange that ones I had known all my life were suddenly interested in me.
That next time came on my birthday.
That time I went with him because, well, it was my birthday and the one boy I wanted to go with wasn’t there and he didn’t call.
It wasn’t until I was alone, with the lights off, when I felt the pain the most. And that was when I would let the pain flood. I would throw my arms over my head and welcome back Parker’s memory. I would beg it to come back because as much as it was killing me, as much as it hurt, I didn’t want to forget anything. I would go back over everything endlessly, committing it to memory. I wanted to remember his hair and his shoulders, the way his cheeks flushed, and those long dark lashes. I wanted to remember the way he looked on his bike and the smile he had when riding. I wanted to remember everything he ever said to me, the shape of his hands, the smell of his skin, and the taste of his mouth. I never wanted to forget.
October 16, 1997
After Parker left, I was a distant version of myself to say the least. A distant, depressed version that was constantly wondering what he was doing, who he was with, and if he was giving someone else all those shy smiles and winks. Was someone else in his bed? Was someone else kissing him? Was someone else wearing his hoodies and sneaking into tree houses with him?
That was when the disappointment came in. I let a boy in and the boy broke a heart that he never knew was his. Then the girl felt the pain she never wanted to feel.
I’d like to say I recovered, but as the winter progressed, I didn’t. The hands of time moved and I stayed frozen as winter took over.
Addy tried daily to get me to cheer up and so did Justin, but nothing worked. I almost felt like she wouldn’t understand. She had Justin. Surely she wouldn’t feel the pain I was feeling. In my mind, no one had ever felt the way I had. My gut told me no one would understand.
Mom and Dad tried as well, but nothing worked. I had a broken heart and nothing could put it back together. After a while, even I was worried about myself. I had lost around ten pounds, ten pounds I didn’t need to lose, and I was getting sick constantly. My body was trying to tell me I was being stupid, but just like my heart that begged me to call Parker, I didn’t listen.
Alone in my bed at night with the pale moonlight shining in, I remembered him. I thought about what he was doing and if he was thinking of me.
I didn’t have his phone number or his address so I couldn’t call or write. Did I really want to?
I was just pathetic enough to sit around and wait for everything to change. I was still in love with him and that wouldn’t change. It couldn’t.
January 7, 1998
The shitty thing about the situation and something I kept kicking myself for was that I never gave him a chance. I just assumed we were over. What else was I supposed to think? He left. In the eyes of that seventeen-year-old girl that was breaking up.
Parker was the first boy I had ever considered a boyfriend. And though we never did come out and classify our relationship that summer as girlfriend/boyfriend status, I just assumed that was what we were until he left.
Now, knowing all this, what I never thought about was that Parker would consider us still together after he left.
The AMA Supercross season began in January that year, and I watched it in the privacy of my bedroom so I could cry like a baby any time the camera scanned to him or they interviewed him.
I didn’t sleep that night, or the next, or the next. It seemed I threw myself into some sort of pattern that any time I saw him, I couldn’t sleep or eat the days following, and that wasn’t even seeing him in person. What would happen to me if I actual saw him?
After round two in Phoenix, Addy clipped an article out of the Seattle Times for me.
Parker O’Neil wins first two rounds of the 1998 AMA Supercross West Series for the 125 Lites division!
It went on to talk about his career highlights, but the part that caught my attention was they asked about his relationship status since
he was eighteen in a sport that was becoming wildly popular among the female population.
He was quoted, in Phoenix I might add, nearly three months since I last saw him saying, “Nah, that’s not for me. I have a girl back in the northwest.”
Was that me?
I hadn’t heard from him, but on Christmas roses were mysteriously delivered to my house with a note that simply said: I haven’t forgotten.
I didn’t know what that meant, and at that point, I didn’t care to look into it. The boy broke my heart and like it or not, I was eighteen and still lacked maturity and absolutely no common sense.
Not long after reading that article, I was intending to finish up some homework until I found myself browsing the web and decided to take a peek at the AMA’s website.
When I logged onto their website, given internet was fairly new at that time and our computer was about as speedy as cows crossing the road, I was able to find his profile on the AMA website.
It had been exactly three months since he left, so I glanced up at the date the profile was added and it said yesterday’s date. A sharp pain shot through me knowing I hadn’t heard from him since he left, yet the website had been updated with his information.
It was as though I was jealous of the stupid website for knowing him better than I did. Pathetic.
Reading on, I stared at the picture for about ten minutes. He was dressed in riding gear, his mop of dark hair scattered in odd directions, and had that shy smile I loved. The picture was a shot of him at his first race in Anaheim last month when he won. His arms were raised to the crowd, eyes closed and a smile gracing his beautiful lips. Another pain overcame me knowing he was living his dream and I was frozen in time, wishing a boy didn’t break my heart.
The words below the picture read:
ParkerO’Neil on his first AMA Supercross win in Anaheim
Underneath that was a short bio of him.
Parker Aaron O’Neil
Birth date: September 1, 1980