by Shey Stahl
All this resulted in more time spent with Sean, since he worked there, and less with Parker. He won the Motocross championship with his perfect season. That meant he was heading to Australia to race in their Supercross series.
Just when I expected I wouldn’t get another call for months, he called.
“Rowan?” the familiar velvet voice asked.
“Yeah?”
“Can you get away?” he asked, seeming more cheerful than he had the last time I spoke to him. “I’m heading to Moab for the week and well, I want you there with me.”
“Who else is going?”
“Just me,” he answered.
Starring off into the shop, I saw Sean through the glass looking back at me. We had a date tonight. A date that would end the same as all the others did, me leaving and him hanging on to something that would never be.
“Yeah, I’ll come with you,” I told Parker and once again blew off Sean.
I knew I was being an idiot. Jesus Christ was I ever. I led Sean on back home, thinking I could be what he needed and then running to Parker any time he called.
It wasn’t fair to anyone involved. But with Parker, we attached ourselves to each other in ways we shouldn’t have, but we tried like hell to feel what we did that summer, both for different reasons.
Once I was in Moab with Parker, he confessed why he seemed different the last time I saw him. He was getting a lot of pressure from his sponsor to win, and though he placed third in the 125cc Lites Supercross championship and won the outdoor Motocross series with the perfect season, they wanted a repeat.
“I feel like nothing is ever good enough for them. Like no matter how much of myself I give, it’s never enough.” His hair fell into his face, water drops slid down his nose and cheeks.
“But it’s what you love to do, right?” I asked, pulling my towel up over my shoulders.
Under the moonlight, we talked, we confessed, and we loved.
“You know,” he began as we sat by the pool kicking in the water much like we had done last year. “I built these barriers up saying that I would never make it, that I’d never have the opportunity to be on top because let’s face it, as an amateur I was overlooked a lot just because I wasn’t the most aggressive rider. Then an opportunity presents itself and a way inside opens up.” He looked at me, an anxious glow to his eyes. “Then what?”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know what I mean.” He sighed, leaning back on the concrete to look up at the sky. A smattering of stars scattered through the black sky. “I don’t ride for the money. I do it to prove that I can, but when is that enough? Is there ever a point when I’ll be content with proving myself?”
I thought about his question for a minute and deliberated how much of it had to do with riding and how much of it had to do with proving himself to his dead father.
“I think only you can answer that, Parker.”
Parker saw himself as a rider that had to work harder than everyone else because that’s the way he was raised. Nothing he did was ever good enough for Jeremy, his dad, and in truth, Parker never let go of that. It affected him whether he intended it to or not.
The mood changed after that, and Parker laughed, pointing to the hills. “Do you remember that spot over there?”
A grin crept over me, my tummy giving me a tickle. “How could I not?”
“I came here in June with Wesley and Nate,” he said, rolling to the side, his hands finding my waist. “We rode past our spot and I took a picture of it,” he admitted. “It’s in my wallet.”
“That’s probably the cheesiest thing you’ve ever done.” I was trying to be cute. His fingers dug into my skin threatening a tickle.
“Oh.” His eyes sparkled as he teased. “So stealing my sweatshirts and having a box full of newspaper clippings is better?”
I glared. “I’m gonna kill Addy!”
Parker laughed. “I have to get my dirt somewhere.”
And that remark scared me. “How often does Addy give you dirt on me?”
And that look he gave me right then confirmed it. Addy told him more than I wanted him to know. “Not often…but I wanted to know that you were okay.”
“And she told you?”
He swallowed hard before leaning in to press his lips to my forehead. “She said that you were dealing with it about as well as I was.”
I would love to say we talked more, but we didn’t. It was left like that, changing again. I was leaving and he was in heading to Australia for three weeks.
Every time I left, it felt like it was the first time all over again when he took me back to the front of the shop.
I found it necessary to eat a pint of ice cream with my mom each time I returned. Not that it made it any better, but at least it was comforting in a sense.
After a week in Moab, Parker had to know about Sean. I was almost certain Justin would have said something since he saw us together. But when I was with Parker, he never said anything.
Parker went on to race another season in Supercross the following year. We continued the running towards each other every now and then, but it eventually tapered off.
CHAPTER 16
Rowan Jensen
Kicker
A kicker is a short jump that has a sharp angle to the ground on the launch. Kicker jumps are notorious for bucking riders of the bars.
May 13, 1999
After Parker’s first 125cc Lites Supercross Championship win, he called and asked that Justin, Addy, and I fly to Nevada where he and his team were celebrating for the week. We did and ended up renting a house boat on Lake Mohave.
It was times like that when I was with him that I felt like his girl. Sure, there were girls all around us, tons actually, skinny ones, tan ones, ones that had better bodies and made me look way too average, but when I was there, I was his only. He made me feel that way.
With the summer heat, coconut tanning oil, and shy glances I remembered and loved, I was his, if only for a few weeks.
I got drunk for the first time with Parker that weekend, something I never did these days.
Parker got drunk too, and that’s when we finally talked. We were alone up on the top of the boat. The party below us was in full swing, the sun setting in the distance. With beers in hand, we finally talked.
“I wait for your call,” I told him, wanting to shut myself up but also wanting to get it off my chest and out of my heart. “I sit and I wait for everything to change, so I can run back to you, be with you like I’m the only one.”
“You are the only one.” His glossy eyes closed and shadows danced over sun kissed cheeks. “I know how you feel. I know because I live for the moment I hear your voice when you answer…and everything changes for me. I live for the hello.”
Right then, in those familiar arms, I had no worries. There was a perfectly good reason why we did this. We did this because that was what we did to feel. We didn’t worry about what was waiting after our time was up. Instead, we were there on a houseboat living for the time we had before everything changed.
Before I left that week, he said something to me that really hit home. “I’m being stupid about this, aren’t I?”
I didn’t answer because I was acting just as bad.
He sighed, his head resting against mine. “I know I am. One day you won’t be there waiting for me to get my shit together, will you?”
The shitty thing was I couldn’t answer him because I would be there. I was there waiting to go head first over the bars anytime he wanted, and I hated myself for it.
Parker and I existed in this very fragile little world that was only ours, and at times it was strange that no one else knew about it.
There were times when I was away from him and I would forget what it was really like between us. It was like I was trying to block the memory should he not call again.
My memories of him were dreamy and sweet and mine. Then I was with him and his presence would take over. When I looked into his eyes, th
at sweet, shy smile suffocated me and made my blood rush to my face when he touched it. That was when I would remember and over the bars I went. No would ever make me feel the way he did, completely aware, completely alive, over the bars in love with him.
When he looked at me, he looked so far inside of me, farther than anyone else ever had. He was the only one that saw me for me.
September 3, 1999
When I wasn’t with Parker, Sean and I got closer, but not as close as he would have wanted. Addy and Justin were engaged by Christmas last year, and before I knew it, I was helping my best friend plan a wedding.
The problem with Justin and Addy getting married in September was that Parker would be coming back home for the first time in two years after the outdoor Motocross season ended. A lot had changed around here in the last few years. We may have avoided talking about us when we were together, but that was easy. We were away from it all and the only thing that mattered was we were together. Having him here, it wouldn’t be as easy to avoid the reality of what was happening.
Addy brought it up a few days before the wedding when we were dress shopping the morning Parker was set to arrive.
“Does Sean know about Parker?” Addy asked, slipping into her wedding gown. She looked beautiful but her question had my heart pounding.
“No…I’m not sleeping with Sean though.”
“But you’re sleeping with Parker?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Apparently.” She smiled and went back to her wedding planning, but then she stopped and faced me again. “You’re hurting him, you know that right?”
“Who, Sean?”
“No, yes...” Addy rolled her eyes, unzipping her dress to put her clothes back on. “I mean with Parker.”
“What are you talking about?” I was trying to play it cool, but I knew she and Parker talked. He indicated that in Moab.
Addy sighed and turned back to me once she was dressed. “Ro, Parker is so in love with you it’s pathetic. He hangs on everything you say and do…but he can’t for the life of him make a move to show you. Why don’t you do it? Tell him. Stop whatever this is with Sean and give Parker the chance to do right by you.”
I glared, feeling my cheeks burn.
“Just think about it.” Addy reached out to touch my cheek. “Give him the chance at least.”
Addy knew me well enough to just leave that fire smoking, and we parted ways.
Later that afternoon, we all gathered at the shop planning the bachelor and bachelorette parties for the evening when Parker arrived with Kurt.
Good-natured ribbing, pats to the back, and cheering rung out around us as the boys welcomed home a superstar. Though I usually avoided the lifestyle surrounding him, I knew he was huge in the Supercross and Motocross scene, having won both championships last year. But my time spent with him was behind closed doors. Now, out in the open, our friends understood a hometown boy was emerging into a legendary rider.
“You look good!” I heard Addy say to him. She hadn’t seen him Washougal in July. “Look at you all tan and shit.”
I heard Parker laugh at her before they embraced in a hug. “It’s good to see you too.”
I stayed back in the office, hanging out the side door. He did look good dressed in loose gray cargo shorts, a black O’Neil Racing t-shirt, and a white hat. He stood tall and lean and it was everything I missed since I last saw him.
Dark hair spilled out around the edges of his hat. The scruff I knew well called to me. I wanted one of those pathetic moments from movies where I’d run to him, wrap my legs around his waist, and kiss him until he couldn’t breathe.
Ben and Joey found him soon enough, escorting him inside the shop. Loud raucous remarks followed until I removed myself from the office and made my way into the shop.
Our eyes found each other across the distance. The familiar heat spread over me when I felt his burning stare. He smiled and I smiled. That always present electricity and draw lingered, charging the air, and suffocated me to the point where I thought I would burst if I wasn’t in his arms.
When he reached me, he immediately drew me in close, his head buried in my hair as we hugged. “I’ve missed you,” he spoke softly and only to me.
“Where’s Sean?” Ben asked, stepping inside with Justin and Addy, ready to get the night started.
Parker’s arm dropped from around me as he created space between us, sensing the crowd gathering near him. One thing was certain, Parker didn’t like attention called to him. Now wasn’t any different.
“Ask Rowan,” Joey said bitterly, spitting into his Mountain Dew bottle. “She was with Sean last night.”
Joey was bitter that I wasn’t dating him, and his remarks reflected that. Was I even dating Sean? Was I dating Parker?
Parker’s eyes, apprehensively guarded again, blinked slowly, dropping from mine to the floor when he heard Sean’s name mentioned.
Without saying anything to me, he hung his head and walked outside to talk about Justin’s bachelor party with Kurt and Justin’s best friend, Adam.
If Parker didn’t know about Sean, he knew now. The worst part for me was that he seemed upset about it.
Not once did I say or allow myself to feel anything when I logged onto the AMA website and saw him with Kayla Lucas or another Red Bull girl, Leslie Peterson. Not once did I give him the look that he was giving me in that moment.
“Hey guys,” Sean said, walking in with his happy go lucky grin he usually had. “Is that Parker out there?”
“Yeah,” I mumbled, wanting to lick the side of Parker’s face like my dad’s dog always did after he got into the garbage. It worked as an apology for the dog, maybe it would work for me. But then again licking Parker’s face would most certainly result in something else. Shit, I wanted that something else too. “He’s in town for the wedding.”
Part of me wished that wasn’t the case. I wanted him in town for me and only me. I wanted him to want me to lick his lick. It was selfish but for someone who had been spending her life hung up on him, that was how I felt.
“Oh...” Sean put his arm around me “...well that was nice of him.”
Sean and I made small talk for a moment before I made an excuse to leave and find Parker.
When I found him Parker was waiting for me at my house, sitting on the porch with his head down. Knowing I needed to get to Olympia for Addy’s bachelorette party, I didn’t have time to tell him everything I wanted to say and that resulted in saying nothing at all. Instead, we ended up in my room within minutes. Thankfully, my parents weren’t home.
It was the same scenario we found ourselves in every other time we were together.
It was a battle of dominance to get clothes off quickly, grunting with each forceful move. His hips were frantic. Arching into him, my body told him just how much I still wanted him.
His mouth, soft and tender, quickly gave into the urges, his arms of steel grasping me closer. “Fuck, I miss you,” he rasped just before his mouth found mine again.
I couldn’t speak. I could barely breathe. We ran right back to where we knew, a place and a moment we were comfortable.
“Oh God, Parker!” I moaned when he found all the same spots that he knew so well. “Don’t stop.”
I had been so wound up with everything that this was exactly what I was craving, a familiar out.
“Never.” He grunted, flipping me over. His large hands covered my own as I dug into the sheets. His stomach pressed to my back, pushing me further into my mattress. “I’ll never stop. I need this too bad.”
His hands withdrew, slowly moving their way over to my hips. His thrusts seemed dominating whereas before, he was always gentle. “Jesus, Rowan…fuck...” his grasp tightened “...tell me I’m the only one, please. Tell me you haven’t been with him.”
“You are,” I moaned before finding his lips. “Only you Parker.”
He panted, nodding against my shoulder, the scruff of his jaw scratching against my back. “Than
k you.” He grunted, pushing harder into me, his hips erratic and just as forceful. His hands wrapped under and over the tops of my shoulders pulling me into him.
There, he knew I didn’t do anything with Sean. I didn’t dare ask the same of him because it would kill me if I wasn’t his only.
September 4, 1999
Parker and I parted ways that night, and I went about my night with the girls. I’d love to say I was the Maid of Honor I should have been that to my best friend, but I wasn’t. Instead, I was wondering what Parker was doing and if he was thinking of me and if Sean would say anything to him.
At the rehearsal dinner was where the shit hit the fan so to speak.
Noticing my frequent and just downright blatant starring at Parker, Sean said something I thought I’d never hear either of them say. I think it’s was Sean’s way of testing the water.
“I’m surprised you could get away with all those women all over you.” Sean scoffed at Parker with another beer in his hand. Sean wasn’t exactly the best drunk, but then again, neither was Parker.
He gave Sean a look of pure hatred. “Yeah, well, that’s never been my thing.” His eyes shifted to mine. “I only have one girl in mind.”
I never once told Sean I still saw Parker, but now he knew for sure. He wasn’t stupid.
Sean got defensive, his brow scowling at me and then Parker. “I think she’s moved on,” he said, stepping towards Parker with a new confidence.
“I don’t know about that, Sean.” Parker laughed softly and I knew where it was going. His eyes darted to mine in warning. Then he winked and looked back to Sean. “Why don’t you ask Rowan. She never mentioned you while she was on my dick last night,” he said arrogantly. “Maybe she hasn’t moved on like you think.”
My head whipped around to look at him. I’d never heard him so crass, so bold. “Parker!” I shouted, pushing him back away from Sean. “Stop it.”
Sean stepped forward calmly. “You’re right Parker…” He paused, his brow pulled together, his jaw tight. “She never mentioned me…or you for that matter.”
Kurt and Justin heard the commotion and came running before a fight could break out.