by Shey Stahl
He was trying to convince me of it.
“I hate that you’re drinking now,” I said, lying back in the sand and kicking the beer in his hand. He said nothing so I asked, “Why are you drinking so much these days?”
Parker looked at the bottle in his hand, tipping it with a contemplative glare. “I know what it’s like to have life chew you up and spit you out like you’re nothing. Hiding behind a bottle is easier than facing reality.”
“What?”
“Nothing.” He lay down beside me. “Why do you care anyway?”
“I care about you.” I looked up at the stars wishing they could provide me the answers I wanted and the words I needed. I wanted those tiny twinkling wishes to provide a cure to the incurable. I wanted them to take away our pain because I couldn’t.
“Could have fooled me,”
“Don’t be a jerk.” I nudged his shoulder with my own.
“Don’t lie then.” He lifted the bottle to his lips, took a long sip, and then handed it to me.
“I’m not lying, Parker.” I pushed the bottle back at him. “I do care about you. More than I should.”
He sighed heavily, the sound annoyed, frustrated, and relieved.
Another few beers and he turned to me, propping himself up on his elbow. “Why did you leave in Anaheim? What did she say to you?”
“It’s not important but she gave me the impression I was a distraction you didn’t need.” Speech was easy now. Beer would do that to you. “She made me feel like she was what you needed.”
Parker nodded. “Kayla and Dusty were…none of that matters now. They got what they wanted. I mean fuck…I won nine goddamn championships back to back too. One accident and it’s over. Everything I worked for…everything…” His guarded pretense wavered as did his voice. “Everything I gave up and one accident ended it all.”
“It wasn’t for nothing. Look what you did in five years… You became the best Supercross and Motocross racer in the world at twenty four. Not to mention the X-Games and all the freestyle racing you did.”
“It doesn’t mean shit now.” He recoiled, looking over at me with an appalled glare. “It doesn’t mean a goddamn thing. I’ll never race freestyle again or any other series.”
“Yes it does.” I was just as appalled. “You made history.”
There was an eerie quiet as the waves crashed against the rocks, and then he spoke again. “I’d give it all back to have what he has.” Parker gestured to the ring on my finger with his beer. The metal clanked against the silver of the band.
“So…Dusty and Kayla?” I wanted to draw the conversation away from me.
“Yeah, but it’s not like I gave a shit who she fucked. What I can’t understand was why she thought it was her responsibility to control who was in mine? I was so fucking pissed at her for what she said to you that night in Anaheim.”
“You remember that night?”
“Every fucking detail of it…including you leaving, again.” His eyebrows rose and he looked at me out of the corner of his eyes, bringing his beer to his lips.
“Maybe she loved you.”
“For the wrong reasons.” He snorted, both annoyed and confused. “Kayla loves money and fame.” He rolled on his back, his hand lifted to run through his hair, sadness consuming the blue I loved. “Would you have stayed if it wasn’t for her?”
“I think eventually I may have, but I can’t say for sure. It wasn’t our relationship that was the problem. It was the lifestyle. I didn’t want to be the girl that followed her boyfriend around and had no life of her own. Look at me now though. I gave up any dream I had for myself and what…I work for my dad, real winner there.”
In all actuality there was nothing wrong with the life I chose. It was stable. Not everyone goes the path they thought they’d take. Some people got out of school and you found a life that worked. Then there were people like Addy and me that went to work right after school. Five years later, and I was doing the same thing wondering where those plans for college and a better life went. I went back to school last year and was taking night classes to become a massage therapist, but I hadn’t finished yet. I was making an attempt to change my life but wasn’t quite there.
“But I don’t have that lifestyle anymore,” he added quietly as though this was depressing for him. His eyes told me his next question before he asked it. “Why him?”
For a brief instant, I contemplated how to answer that because I had constantly asked myself that very same question. The thing was that when Parker didn’t call, I didn’t know what to do with myself until Sean came around and provided me with what I was missing. He gave me that little piece I needed, or so I thought. “He can give me the life that I need. Something stable. My mom thinks I’m graduating from high school and the other day she brought home a car seat because she thought I was pregnant. I just wanted to have a normal life and be my own person.”
Parker gasped. His mouth gaped open, and I knew the part that had caught his attention.
“I’m not pregnant…” I blew out a breath and tucked my hair behind my ear. “Do you know what it’s like having to explain every day to someone that their life is not as it seems? Or to be so hung up on a guy you basically stop living and wait for their phone call?”
“No, but I do know what it’s like to be hung up on someone.”
“I don’t think that’s entirely my problem. Deep down I was afraid you’d leave me. I didn’t know how to make what we had real without the possibility that I would be left brokenhearted with no life of my own.” Wow, this was easier than I thought. Well with beer it was. “I guess what I’m saying is that back then, after Kayla, I thought for sure that if I was to stay, I would be just like her.”
“How so?” he replied, sort of lazily. “I loved you. I would have never hurt you like that.”
“Loved?”
“Don’t worry.” He snorted, pushing his bottle into the sand beside him. His arms rested on his stomach. “As much as I want it to be past tense, it’s not. You know what I feel for you, Rowan.” He was closer now. I could feel his breath wash over me. “If you would have just…” he shook his head wistfully “...given me a chance... You never…it just seemed like you thought you knew how I felt and then decided for yourself what was best for us.”
“You still love me?”
His eyes closed, a smile ghosting over his lips. “When I saw you that day in the shop, when I came back, I knew it wasn’t over. All those feelings were still there regardless of what happened in Anaheim or that you never called. I didn’t give a shit though. I still couldn’t stop. I told you, I’ll never stop. I will never love another woman. I can’t. I’ve tried so many times not to love you, I even tried…I couldn’t.”
He didn’t have to say it. I knew exactly what he was talking about. He tried to be with someone else physically and couldn’t.
Parker’s hand that was once holding his beer touched my hip scooting me closer. His thumb pressed into the sliver of skin showing under my tank top. His hand moved and settled on the small of my back, dragging me towards him. Our legs tangled in the sand, and once again, our lips met. The same feeling jolted me, consumed me, and owned me all at the same time. Parker had such control over me that I completely forgot why I needed to push him away, and instead, with the safety of the alcohol, I gave into what I wanted, what we wanted.
For a brief moment he paused. His eyes were on mine as the pad of his thumb dragged over my lower lip, slow, remembering, like he could never forget the way it felt to touch me. He raised his hand that was joined with mine and placed it against his chest, over his heart. “I didn’t imagine this, did I? This thing we have?”
I shook my head.
He pushed, I pulled. He gave, I took. He breathed, I inhaled and everything changed.
Our lips were frantic as always. Each movement seemed to ask an unspoken question of the past and present. He groaned and I knew then that he wanted this just as much. Rolling me carefully, his body presse
d me further into the sand. I could feel his hardness pressed right where I so desperately needed it. I wiggled slightly, savoring the feeling should he pull away. He groaned and I shiver ran through me.
“Please don’t push me away,” he whispered as his hips shifted, his cheek sliding against mine, the stubble scratching me. “I fucking need you so bad.” His hips lurched forward and he growled, desperately rocking against me. The thin fabric of my summer dress allowed the friction to consume us both. “Just give me tonight, please just give me that.”
Nodding, my mouth found every inch of exposed skin I could. I was losing the fight against my will and couldn’t care less about that. His intoxicating physical presence that I couldn’t ignore seemed to be taking over like a virus lying dormant in my body waiting for the right time to control me completely.
“Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll stop.” His voice was low and throaty, and I couldn’t tell him to stop because in that moment, I needed this just as much. “Tell me you don’t want it, and I’ll let you go.”
Words weren’t necessary. He knew how much I wanted him. My body wasn’t leaving any questions.
He growled against my neck, teeth sinking into my flesh, his grip on my waist tightening. “Do you want this?” His hand moved lower to slip inside my panties. Moving the fabric aside and my dress up around my waist, his finger dipped inside my wet center. “Fuck.” He grunted, his head falling forward against my shoulder, his needy hips moving. Parker’s rigid breath brought me back for a moment. “Don’t do this unless you mean it.”
“I mean it,” I told him with no amount of regret at that moment. I squirmed under his rough touch and then hastily began removing any clothing I could get my shaking hands on—his and mine.
Parker hovered between my legs, leaning back on his heels, he unbuttoned his shorts and then his hands reached forward to hook his fingers in my panties, quickly dragging them down. My heart was beating out of control, but it could have been from the alcohol too.
Leaning forward again, his lips found my neck. “You sure?”
“Yes.”
And I meant it. I was sure at that moment I wanted nothing more than the man who owned my heart to claim me once again. All these years, he was the only man I ever let claim me in any way. Now was no different.
With harsh breaths, he entered me, a shudder moving through his body as he moved. His hold on me tightened, revealing his need. The feeling, well it was more intense with each time. To understand the connection we had, words wouldn’t suffice. No more than the truth being spoken, the truth in what we were, what we’d become when everything changed. The crash of each wave signified a deeper meaning for what this really was. Grunts and moans mixed together as he pushed into me deeper. I clawed at his back wanting more of him. Over the years, throughout whatever this was between us, our sex amplified each time. He gave more of himself each time just I had. Now it seemed he was giving me everything, like an anchor to the tide. Every single fucking thing he had, he gave me as if he was saying, “Here, have it all. I can’t take it anymore.” He didn’t have to say the words. I felt it with touch.
Parker pulled back, his hips erratic. He was barely holding on. His mouth moved from one naked spot to the next, all the while, grunting and pleading for more.
It didn’t seem to matter to either of us that here we were on a beach in the middle of the night. No, we were both too far gone.
His hands that were once wrapped around my shoulders now moved to my hips and then slid along my ass in the sand.
“Oh God, Ro, fuck…I’m gonna come…” He moaned, throwing his head forward.
I moaned at his words knowing I was right there with him. Then his movements sped and I couldn’t think anymore, I could only feel.
I could feel everything right then. His breaths and his hardness between my legs and inside of me, it was like I was feeling and seeing every detail under a microscope. That was when I felt him harden and jerk forward. “It’s been too long.”
I was there too. I couldn’t hold back anymore. His large hands were still on my hips as I continued to gyrate into him, needing anything he’d give me and everything he wouldn’t. My hands dug into the muscles in his chest covering the scars that reminded me of everything he had just been through and everything I wasn’t there for.
My entire body was alight with a burning tingling sensation. Our bodies were speaking, and not just skin to skin. Every little movement he made, every touch made me respond, made my skin burn and my heart pound. I felt intensely alive and every bit of my body, mind, and heart was here with him. He took it all and gave me back all of himself for the first time.
The moment was so heavy I was almost scared of what was happening. Parker didn’t let me retreat into my own head. He held me there with his eyes, his gaze steady and burning. His face just inches above mine, his mouth open, he gasped for each breath.
I could feel him harden again, his body shaking releasing into me. The muscles in his neck tensed as he bucked his hips, letting out a low strangled moan that sounded vaguely similar to my name. I felt my pulse in every inch of my skin and his too.
Our bodies relaxed, the impact of the situation lingering with the haze of the alcohol. Parker slid to my side but never released me. I curled into him, tucking my head under his chin, breathing in the scent of his warm body.
The sky was turning from black to blue tones when we spoke again.
“I don’t want to pressure you but I also don’t want to lose you. Remember under the moon we could say anything?” He paused, looking up at me. “Whatever that was, it’s still there. I feel it. I can’t tell my heart to let you go, I’ve tried. It won’t listen.”
“I don’t want you to let go.”
Parker held both my hands in his, waiting for me to say more but I didn’t. I couldn’t.
I looked deep into his eyes and saw myself reflected back in them. He was feeling the same way I felt and just as desperate to have what we had back then.
I knew I could never keep him away again without breaking my own heart as well as his all over again. I only hoped we didn’t destroy each other in the process. How could you tell your heart not to love someone? It was almost like I had to be bitched slapped to fight for myself in this and fight. His words and his truth bitch slapped me and damn if my cheek didn’t sting.
“I can’t stay away from you,” he whispered, kissing me.
“Then don’t.” And for the second time that night, he covered my body with his. It was a force I couldn’t resist. Not then and certainly not now.
CHAPTER 25
Rowan Jensen
Ditch the bike
When a rider jumps off his bike it’s referred to as ditching the bike.
July 27, 2002
Two days later, we found ourselves back where it all began for us, surrounded by steep valleys and questions we’d never find the answers to.
As the sun rose over the canyon, I knew the promise I was about to break, the one that started with a question.
Words would be spoken. A vow would be made. A ring would be exchanged and a kiss would be placed.
That meant something to me, but when I saw Parker standing there against the shop wall the day he returned, I couldn’t remember the promise I was set to make because it meant nothing since it would be promised to the wrong man.
When the ground shifted beneath you and everything you thought you once knew changed, could you handle that?
I couldn’t. That much was evident, and I collapsed just like everyone else, and ran from the unknown. Lately, it seemed like it was just one mistake after another with us. Five years later, under the warm summer night air of Moab Utah, we were tangled up in skin again. The bright orange sun danced across the valley of red rocks as it set in the distance, the shimmering light catching sparks from his chocolate hair.
“Oh God, what have we done?”
“Are you going to tell him?” His voice was anxious.
“What? No
…it would kill him.”
His face fell and I realized that by not telling Sean I was killing both of them. Parker’s eyes held the same disappointment they did when he left the first time, only now any hope he once had was gone.
His face fell and I realized by not telling him, I was killing both of them. His blue eyes held the same disappointment they did when he left the first time. Only now, any hope he once had was gone.
It was hard to understand how we were here once again when we swore we never would.
Parker turned to me, his face twisted both in anger and hurt. “I won’t say anything. You can go back to your new life and pretend this never happened.”
My hands found his and then his shoulders, hoping he would look at me, really look at me, and see that even though I wasn’t sure I could tell Sean about Parker, what we were doing wasn’t something I wanted to pretend never happened.
His shoulders were tense, his body taunt against mine as his breathing and mine seemed forced. He lifted his head a little, just enough to see my eyes. “Do you regret it?”
“No,” I murmured, never looking away as I reached up and traced the edge of his face, running my fingers over his temple and cheekbone, touching him the way I always had before any of this happened. Before Sean, before the phone calls, back when we were in this very valley and whatever it was that formed here remained here.
His eyes closed and he kissed me again, soft and gentle this time. His fingers slipped off my face, down my neck, traced over my collarbones, dragging over my shoulders, barely skimming the sides of my bare breasts. He was watching me again, waiting to see my reaction. I wondered what his eyes saw as he looked at me. Did he see what I saw? A girl who held on so completely to a boy that she gave up everything for in hopes that one day everything would change?