Shooting Blindly in the Dark

by Nicole Jackson

  He cut his eyes at me and stamped on his brakes. “You believe that shit?”

  Cars behind us honked their horns.

  “What?” I squinted. “Go. You holding up traffic.”

  “I don’t give a fuck!” he spewed. “Do you believe that shit?”

  I thought about it. Maybe I was just in my feelings a tad. “No,” I sighed.

  Without saying anything else, he continued driving. I really didn’t know what to do. Being in this place felt so weird. We had so many ties that I couldn’t just up and leave, because I wasn’t getting my way. But I so desperately wanted to find my happy again. I wanted us to be good again, but I just didn’t know how.

  Chapter 18

  Kaydoa

  I stepped into my crib, after a exhausting day. I had been ripping and running, grinding harder than I had ever done before. There was so much more at stake now. Jasmine didn’t know, but I’d paid her lawyer off the same day she caught the case. But the way shit was going I had to set money aside in case we had to appeal and shit. I just couldn’t see her doing time, while carrying my baby.

  I won’t front. A huge part of me was still pissed at her. She should have listened to me, and stayed her ass at home. And then when all the shit happened she should’ve just let me take the case. I mean, I knew what my finger prints hitting the system could mean for me, but it was a chance I was willing to take…for her.

  I really felt like I was going crazy. I didn’t even want to imagine her not being around for years. And to bring a baby into this…man, that was a horrible feeling. Nothing was for certain anymore, and I was doing my best to cope wit it all.

  Jasmine could just frustrate the shit out of me. She knew that we’d been slowly but surely elevating in the game, and life for us wasn’t the same. Going to the hood took on a new meaning, and after experiencing the shit that she had, you’d think that she’d know that by now. Now, I know we from the ghetto, and she loved coming to kick it, but it wasn’t that simple. In Houston niggas was killing over ounces. Fuckin’ ounces. And she’s running around, knowing that we distributing kilos, and that slippers get got.

  She needed to understand that her running around like that left everybody vulnerable. Cause if something happened to her and my baby, then the whole team was gonna move, and everybody in my path was gonna have to lay down.

  I stepped through the condo, and could hear music blasting in our bedroom. Jasmine had been staying at home, and she didn’t seem too happy about it. Nobody was stopping her from doing normal shit, but I meant what I said. She was banned from the traps, and for the time being, she couldn’t even come to the hood.

  I stood in the bedroom’s doorway, and watched her. She was sitting Indian style in the center of our king-sized bed, with her hair in a ponytail, singing along wit the song. I won’t lie. She sounded better than the lady actually singing the song. Her eyes were closed tight as she crooned, “Now you say the juice is sour. It used to be so sweet. And I can’t help to wonder if you’re talkin’ bout me. We don’t talk the way we used to talk. It’s hurting so deep. I’ve got my pride. I will not cry! But it’s making me weak…”

  I was about to laugh, when I noticed the stream of tears, easing down her face.

  “You like to think that I’m crazy when I say that you’ve changed. I’m convinced I know the problem. You don’t love me the same!”

  “That song got you in yo feelings, huh?” I interrupted her little moment.

  She boldly looked at me wit tears glistening her eyes, and continued to sing, “Ooh baby. Look into the corners of your mind. I will always be there for you. Through good and bad times. But I can’t be that superwoman that you want me to be. I’ll give my love everlasting if you’ll return love…to me!”

  I swallowed hard. Our eyes locked, and I was overcome wit emotions. I climbed onto the bed wit her; shoes and all. I grabbed her chin. “What’s the tears about?”

  “I’m so lost and confused, Kaydoa,” her lips trembled. “And I’m scared…I’m scared that I’m losing you,” she admitted.

  I frowned. “Where did that come from? You think that I put in all this time for nothing? As mad as you make me sometimes…I love the shit out of yo ass. Can’t nothing change that. I’m just going through it, Jas. Imagine how I feel. We facing some real shit, and we got a baby on the way. I get butterflies in my stomach every time you gotta go to court. This shit don’t get easier for me.”

  She nodded, as her tears flowed freely. Grabbing my head, she kissed my lips. “I love you so much.”

  I wrapped my arms around her, and for the very first time…I felt my baby kick. “What was that?!” my eyes bucked.

  She giggled. “That’s this baby. She’s been doing that all day.”

  “She?” I raised my eyebrows.

  She smiled. “I can just feel it.”

  “Is that right,” I growled, as I gripped her chin, bringing her mouth back to mines. Easing my tongue into her mouth, all my worries were placed on the backburner. I laid my girl down, and showed her that she aint had shit to worry about. I wasn’t goin’ nowhere.

  Black Reign

  I sat on the examination table, waiting for the doctor to tell us what was up. I was five months pregnant, and it was time to find out the sex of the baby. Kaydoa was sitting there, right by my side, looking anxious. Things had gotten so much better between us, and I was so grateful. He’d been attempting to come home at a decent hour, and he didn’t seem as angry.

  “Okay,” Dr. Hintu sighed. “There’s definitely a little girl in there.”

  My heart skipped a beat, as I glanced at Kaydoa.

  For a few long seconds he just sat there, until a wide fiendish grin slowly emerged onto his face. “A little girl, huh? That’s what’s up. She gonna be pretty just like her daddy.”

  “Whatever,” I tittered.

  I felt that everything was going great for a change. We had a healthy baby on the way, and I was getting the girl I wanted. So, I didn’t understand the change in Kaydoa’s demeanor on our drive back home. He seemed so cold and disconnected.

  I thought about asking him what was wrong, but I didn’t want to spark a argument. Therefore, I kept my comments to myself. When he pulled into the garage I damn near hopped out of his truck, before it come to a complete halt. He was moodier than me, and I was the one carrying a baby.

  I stomped through our townhouse with a attitude. I was half thinking that he was gonna hit the streets, and leave me there by myself. But he flopped down on the couch, and flipped through the channels on the 70 inch plasma TV. For a couple of hours he sat there ignoring me.

  I was making all kinds of noise, wanting to disturb him, but he never uttered a word. Eventually, I was fed up. I stamped right in front of the TV. “Okay, Kaydoa, what the fuck is the problem? You was just all smiles at the doctor’s office, but now you acting like somebody pissed in ya cereal. What’s the problem?”

  “Say, main,” He gripped his nose. “You need to move.”

  “No! Answer the muthafuckin’ question!”

  He shot to his feet. “Sit yo stupid ass down!”

  I leaned back a bit, appalled by his outburst.

  “You wanna know what’s my fuckin’ problem? Huh?!” he breathed. “You! You, Black Reign!” he roared. I knew right then he was tripping, because he hadn’t used that name in forever.

  “What did I do to you?”

  “You fucked everything up! Yo dumb ass standing there pregnant, and is about to do a fuckin’ sit down!” he beat his chest. “Why couldn’t you just let me be the man? Huh?!”

  I was furious. “Nigga, are you crazy?! Did you forget about that fuckin’ pistol you left on a crime scene? Do you know what would’ve happened had they taken you down? There would be no fuckin’ bail, Kaydoa!” I broke down crying. “I took my own case because it was the right thing to do. For the both of us.”

  “Fuck that! I knew what the fuck I was doing!” he stalked over to me. He gripped my jaw, and gritted, “You
just so fuckin’ hard headed!” she shoved me away. “I can’t believe this shit, main!” he swung his arms. “Fuck!” he spewed, as he reached back, and punched a hole in the wall. His chest heaved up and down, before his shoulders trembled. Dropping down to his knees, he lowered his head, and released a gut wrenching sob. “What the fuck am I supposed to do, Jasmine?” he cried, breaking my heart.

  I ran over, and dropped to my knees, and wrapped my arms around him. “I’m sorry, baby. I should’ve listened to you. I should’ve listened,” My lips quivered. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around me, as we rocked back and forth.

  Together we cried. I sat there on that floor filled with so many regrets. If I could I’d take it all back. I’d still somehow be with Kaydoa, but fuck everything else. The money, the cars, the clothes…none of that mattered. If I could I’d give it all back, because it wasn’t worth it. It just wasn’t worth it.

  ******

  I woke up from a peaceful sleep. I moved a little, and realized that I was still wrapped in Kaydoa’s arms. I caressed his strong arms, feeling so safe. The night before was a first for us. I had never seen him shed a tear, but he cried because of my circumstances. That’s when I knew wholeheartedly that he loved me. With no preservations.

  I knew that we were facing a uphill battle, but after last night I somehow felt stronger. Crying had seemingly cleansed our souls. My man was right there loving on me, giving me that reassurance I dreadfully needed.

  His phone had been buzzing all night, and he hadn’t bothered to answer. He was keyed in on me, and I didn’t realize how I’d been starving for his love and affection. He’d been caressing my body ever so gently, just putting my mind at ease.

  I thought that he was still sleep, until he squeezed me tightly. “Damn, I slept good.” He kissed my neck.

  I smiled just because. “Me too.”

  “Well, it’s a win-win, huh?” he rubbed my belly. We’d both fallen asleep naked, after bathing, and his palm on my skin felt marvelous.

  “Umm hmm,” I moaned.

  I giggled, as he began tongue kissing my neck. My eyes rolled into the back of my head, as I felt myself becoming wetter. I was so lost in the moment that I didn’t realize he was rock hard, until he was working his way inside of me.

  “Ugh,” I gasped, as he rooted deep within. No matter how many times we went at it, his size always took me by surprise.

  Slowly, he rocked inside of me, causing my toes to curl. With one hand he cuffed a breast, while giving me the death stroke. My mouth fell open, as he hit my spot.

  “You like that?” he spoke roughly into my ear.

  I bit my bottom lip. “Yeah, daddy. I love that shit.”

  “You love this dick?” he breathed.

  “Uh, yeah, I love it!”

  “You love it, huh?” he did a dip, making me feel it in my stomach.

  “Now, wait a minute, muthafucka,” I growled. “Don’t go and knock Kaylah out of me.”

  He chuckled. “I thought you was a big girl. Let me find out you can’t handle this dick.”

  Never backing down from a challenge, I arched my back and bounced my ass. I backed him down with my ass, wobbling all on his dick.

  “Ooh, shit,” he released, as he went hard. WHAP! He slapped my ass. “Work that pussy,” he encouraged, before reaching around me, stroking my clit with his index finger.

  “Oh…oh, God!” I panted, as he stroked my clit ferociously, while he pounded into my gushy.

  “Aww!” I howled, cumming all over him.

  “Yeah, that’s right,” he gritted, as he hammered away. My legs began to tremble, and I tried to break free, as my heart began to race. He’d clamped down on me, making me accept the overwhelming pleasure.

  “Uh,” my body shook, as I felt him busting inside of me.

  “Fuck, I needed that,” he breathed into my ear, as his head rested on mines.

  I intertwined my hand with his, before kissing the back of his hand. “I know.”

  For a few long minutes, we laid there in silence. Honestly, I was waiting on him to say that he was about to leave out for the day. Instead, he hit me with this, “Baby, I just wanna chill for a few. Let’s go somewhere.”

  I grinned, thinking he meant like the mall or something. Still, I decided to fuck with him. “Yeah, like New York.”

  He paused for a few seconds, and then, “Shit, let’s do it.”

  My eyes danced with excitement. “You serious?”

  “Hell, yeah. Let’s make it happen.”

  Kaydoa

  “Nay, you see these shoes?” Jasmine asked.

  We was at the Louis Vuitton store on West 157th Street in New York, New York. Yeah, we’d come to visit on a whim, but it was perfect timing. My connect wanted me to meet wit his daughter out there to discuss expanding the business. I really didn’t know what they wanted me to do all the way out there, but if it was money involved then I was all ears. Still, me, Jasmine, Hurt, and Monay had come to chill.

  Personally, I always wanted to visit New York, and honestly for a while I thought that doing that kind of shit was out of my grasp. I used to have such a backwards way of thinking, and I was slowly beginning to see how simple minded a lot of niggas back in the hood were. Like everybody in the hood knew about True and Robin’s, but was living in a rent house that would never be theirs. It was so much going on in the world, and so much shit to see, and sadly so many niggas would never see anything beyond Fifth Ward. Me…I loved my hood, but the more I saw the more I knew that the hood wasn’t big enough for me. I wanted to live my life to the fullest. And I wanted to begin making moves that would lead to a better life, maybe away from the dope game. Eventually. The notion was just a twinkle in my head at the time, so I kept it to myself.

  Me leaving that pistol behind at Tuka’s had changed things for me. I thought before I moved. That’s why I’d structured my team. I had it where I didn’t have to be the one getting my hands dirty. That was for the lil’ niggas. I mean, yeah, I was gonna carry a pistol, which I had a license for, and I wasn’t afraid to pop a nigga. But I’d put in work, so I didn’t walk around wit a point to prove. Some niggas wanted to stick their chests out, trying to show how hard they were. Niggas knew what I was about. I aint have to watch my back for enemies, because all them muthafuckas was dead.

  For the time being, I just wanted to leave all my troubles back in Houston. I had three days before I was gonna meet Jorge, my connect’s, daughter, Callie. So, me and my gal was gonna enjoy the city, and clear our heads. I was done wit being mad at her. That wasn’t going to change shit, and I’d come to realize that life just ran smoother when she was happy. Seeing her happy made me happy. She made me happy, and I guess that’s why it was hard to accept that she might have to do time. I wanted to forget about all that, and just focus on her and my baby.

  “You like everything you see,” I teased Jas.

  She gazed at me giggling…the way the she used to, before all the chaos. “Whatever. They’re cute.”

  I found myself staring at her. Her belly was nice and round, and her skin looked so soft. She was glowing…from carrying my baby. Just then it was all sinking in. She was having my child. We were going to be bonded for life…and I marveled at the notion. This shit was for real.

  I eyed the $2,000 Louie flats. “You like those, huh?” I my eyes wandered over that body. “Well, get ‘em.”

  “And it’s just like that?” Monay snapped her fingers.

  Jasmine waved her off. “Shit, don’t get it twisted. I can cop his shit. With my own money. It’s nothing.” She claimed.

  I chuckled at her cockiness. It was…cute. My lil’ mama did have her own bread, although mines was much longer. I wanted her to sit on her cash, so I didn’t mind sponsoring her shopping sprees. Aint that what I hustled for?

  “So, you don’t want daddy to buy them for you?” I teased.

  She sucked her teeth. “Shit, I aint crazy, now. Of course, daddy can get that for me.”

  I tapped her
ass. “That’s what I thought.”

  “Whatever,” she cheesed, liking that shit.

  We racked up that day, spending a grip. I’d copped myself quite a bit, as well as Jasmine. We then all grabbed a bite to eat at this spot called Amy Ruth’s in Harlem. The soul food definitely tasted different from the food back in Houston, but it was cool.

  Jasmine’s greedy ass was fuckin up a few plates, while Monay was right on her tail, putting in work too. Them being pregnant together was a sight to see. Surprisingly, Jasmine was one of those chicks that pregnancy agreed wit. But Nay’s nose had spread something serious. I guess lil’ boys did that to women.

  “Nigga, eat,” Jas playfully placed a half-eaten chicken leg up to my lips.

  Deciding to taste it, I bit into the chicken. “It’s a’ight,” I chewed.

  “Whatever,” she leaned into me.

  I rested a arm around her, as I took a sip of soda. I glanced at my boy Hurt, my cousin Monay, and finally my gal. In that moment we were all straight, and I was wishing that we could stay there forever.

  Chapter 19

  Black Reign

  “Got damn, how many people are coming to this shit?” Monay spoke into my ear.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  I peered around, checking out the scene. Kaydoa and Hurt had the brilliant idea of having both baby showers at the same time. They’d rented out a large reception hall, and it was still jammed packed. I had my family, Kaydoa’s people, Lil’ Hurt’s, and even though Monay was Kaydoa’s cousin she still had her daddy’s side of the family there as well, therefore the event felt like a family reunion.

  It was all love, though. Everybody was kicking it, enjoying themselves. Even Kaydoa’s mama, Pebbles, had been rather cordial. It was no secret that she was team Farrah. The lady had actually been inviting Farrah over her to house, when she knew that me and Kaydoa were coming through. They supposedly had this special bond. Whatever the fuck that meant. I wasn’t sweatin’ the shit. Everybody wasn’t gonna like me, but ask me if I gave a fuck.

  I aint gonna lie, our baby shower was turnt up. The atmosphere resembled the club scene. The deejay was jamming the hell out of various rap songs, and people were actually dancing like they were in the damn strip club. A few bitches were begging to get their asses whupped. My sister’s friends were cutting up, along with, Kaydoa and Hurt’s cousins. Shit, everybody there wasn’t related. Hurt’s cousins were all in Kaydoa’s face, while Monay’s cousins on her daddy side were clinging to Hurt.