by Joan Rivers
Arkansas is “The Natural State.” By “natural” do they mean the women don’t wax and the men sleep with their kinfolk?
Wyoming has two nicknames and they’re both wrong: “The Equality State” and “The Cowboy State.” Unless there are millions of cowboys and they’re all the exact same size, I say, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.” For the sake of accuracy, Wyoming should be called “The Local-Boy Dick Cheney Likes to Shoot His Friends in the Face State.”
I could go on forever… and I will, in the States of the Union, a little later on.
I hate parochial schools with names. I grew up in New York. Our schools didn’t have names, they had numbers, like P.S. 68… or for the slutty kids, P.S. 69. But the Catholic school in my neighborhood was called Our Lady of Perpetual Motion. It was the only school that gave scholarships for St. Vitus’s Dance.
There were other Catholic schools with names like Jesus the Savior or Christ the King. This upset me as I never saw a Jewish school named Elliott the Gonif or Schmuel the Inseam Specialist or Murray the Furrier. (I imagine they’d have a fascinating football team; the quarterback would start calling signals, “Thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-three and a half, thirty-three extra long… Lenny, do we have this with cuffs and a pleat?”)
I hate people who give themselves grandiose nicknames. Frank Sinatra was known as the “Chairman of the Board” and “Ol’ Blue Eyes.” I think it was selfish, selfish, selfish of him to have two nicknames. Apparently he was not only a crooner but a hoarder, too. One nickname would have been enough. Frank should have stuck with “Chairman of the Board” and let Sammy Davis, Jr., and Sandy Duncan share “Ol’ Blue Eyes.”
Michael Jackson was called the “King of Pop” and Benny Goodman was called the “King of Swing” and Johnny Carson was called the “King of Late Night.” I think if you want be a king then you have to kneel down in front of a queen. Just like Carson Kressley does. Only Carson isn’t really a king and the queen he’s kneeling in front of isn’t Elizabeth, it’s Stanley.
And can I just say that the only king I actually knew was Marvin, “The Zipper King of Flushing,” and he didn’t have a career in showbiz, he had a showroom.
I hate celebrities who change their names “for show business.” That’s the most ridiculous thing in the world to do, or my name’s not Joan Molinsky Rosenberg.
In the old days, Hollywood was run by studios and the bosses owned the stars, and they would change their names to protect their investments. And in a way, I understand. Cary Grant’s real name was Archie Leach. “Cary Grant” sounds like a movie star. “Archie Leach” sounds like a primitive medical treatment. The great dancer Cyd Charisse was born Tula Finklea. I wouldn’t talk to anyone named Tula, let alone let them touch my Finklea. And I don’t understand why, if she was going to change her name from “Tula,” she would change it to “Cyd.” I hate names that aren’t gender specific, like “Jamie” or “Pat” or “Kelly.” “Cyd” doesn’t sound like the name of a gorgeous woman with million-dollar legs; it sounds like the name of a fifty-eight-year-old discount haberdasher from Weehawken, New Jersey.
Everyone knows that Marilyn Monroe’s real name was Norma Jean Baker, but did you know that John Wayne’s real name was Marion Morrison? Butch, huh? Sounds less like a cowboy than a librarian with a yeast infection.
Tony Curtis was born Bernie Schwartz, but the Hollywood muckety-mucks, i.e., the self-loathing Jews who ran the studios, thought it sounded too Jewish so they changed it to Tony Curtis. I don’t know if they were right or not, but the man became a huge star. Ditto with Kirk Douglas, who was born Issur Danielovitch. Kirk was feisty, though. I hear that when they asked him to change his name because it was too Jewish he wanted to change it to Kirk Lookatmybeautifulcircumcisedpenis.
And yet when Caryn Johnson becomes “Whoopi Goldberg” it isn’t too Jewish; times have changed.
A lot of rappers change their names, frequently to beverage items. Ice-T was born Tracy Marrow; Ice Cube was O’Shea Jackson; and Vanilla Ice was Robert Van Winkle. Should I ever become a rapper I would change my name to “I Asked for No Ice in My Soda.”
I hate Paris Hilton. Not because she has no talent or because she’s a big skank ho, but because she’s named after the city of Paris. And I hate the city of Paris, which I already explained to you, in another chapter, mes amis. But it’s not just Paris Hilton that annoys me. I hate Savannah, Brooklyn, Austin, and Dallas, too. When Hillary Clinton said, “It takes a village,” she didn’t mean you should name your children Levittown and Kalamazoo. She meant we should collectively, as one, beat the shit out of parents who name their children Pacoima or Secaucus. If you’re going to name your kids after towns and villages then be original—“This is my son, Little Rock, and my daughter, Bangor. And I believe you know the twins, Perth and Amboy? And their bull dyke cousin, Buffalo?”
I hate babies with trendy names like Tiffany and Britney and Heather and Noah and Blake and Justin. I’m sick of Olivia and Chloe and Eva and Madison. I hope Aiden and Jayden and Braden and Graden all suffer minor head injuries while reading Dr. Seuss. Enough already with the cutesy-poo baby names. What happened to John and Dave and Sue? Babies with trendy names grow up to be adults with ridiculous names. “This is our CEO, Micah.” “You know what, Micah? I want my money back. I’m closing my portfolio. I’m going with Michael. He’s a grown-up.”
One day all of these trendy-named children will grow up and become parents and then grandparents, and it’s all wrong. Grandma Tori? Zayda Jared? Nana Savannah?
A lot of people think that all maniacs and murderers have three names. I hate that. That’s soooo cliché. Yes, some madmen do have three names—John Wayne Gacy, Lee Harvey Oswald, Mark David Chapman—but not all. For example, Adolf Hitler didn’t go by Adolf Terri Hitler. It wasn’t Saddam Todd Hussein. And nobody refers to Mahmoud Bobby Ahmadinejad. There are puh-lenty of nut jobs who only use two names, like Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer and Hannibal Lecter. These psychos had self-respect; they didn’t need three names to make their point. They were men! “We’re crazy and we’re proud!”
I hate black people that give their children preposterous names. “Refrigerator” is not a name, it’s an appliance. Lashonda, Latiqua, Lakisha, Laquandra, Latrine, Lamode and Labia are not names; they’re jumble puzzles from the Daily News. And there are other people who don’t think those names are ethnocentric; they think they’re stupid. Don’t take my word for it: Ask Condoleezza Rice. I’ll bet even she thinks they’re bullshit.
I hate that black people can’t decide what they want to be called. First they were “colored,” then “Negro,” then “black.” After that they became “people of color” and now they’re “African-American.” I say: Pick one! White people aren’t that smart; we can’t follow. I’ll call you ultrasuperduperstar if it makes you happy, but for God’s sake give me a final answer! The back-and-forth is giving me a migraine. And, can I just say that I don’t understand ethnocentricity? For example, where did “African-American” come from? My friend Beverly always says, “I’m African-American.” And I always say, “You’re from Massapequa Park. Exactly where in Africa is that? Is it part of the Serengeti or maybe Kenya adjacent?” Last time I checked Massapequa Park was four stops after Bellmore on the Long Island Railroad.
Italian-Americans, Irish-Americans, Polish-Americans, etc., only refer to themselves like that when they want a big parade in their honor, so they can drink in public and get alternate side of the street parking waived. Otherwise they’re plain old Americans.
And FYI, no one has ever, in my 239 years on this planet, called me a Hebraic-American. Jew bitch? All the time, but Hebraic-American bitch? Never.
I hate people who name their children as though they’re still living in the “old country.” The children and grandchildren of Holocaust survivors are big on this. I assume it’s the result of that “never again” mentality because surely they can remember the camps without naming their kids like it’s 1939 Warsaw. I don�
��t want to go to my grandson’s school play and discover that Dorothy and the Wicked Witch are being played by Chava and Ruchel.
I hate Chinese names because I can’t figure out which is the first name and which is the last name, and quite frankly, neither can the Chinese. Is it Dong Ding Ding or Ding Dong Ding or Ding Ding Dong… or are they all really just Avon ladies? I’m afraid to get Chinese names wrong because they’re a very proud people and instead of calling someone by their name I might accidentally be ordering sub gum duck. (And by “proud” I mean inherently angry and frequently armed with small explosives.)
I hate that there are 800 trillion people in Russia and they only have seven names to work with. Alexi, Sergei, Vladimir, Nicolai, Boris, Viktor and Mikhail. If you think I’m wrong try and name thirty Russians who are not named that. Yes, yes, every now and then you’ll find a Leonid or Ruslan, but those are novelty names; they’re the Lashonda and Laquisha of Russia. And by the way, I say “Russia,” not “the former Soviet Union.” Who am I, Tom fucking Brokaw?
I hate that we can name dogs based on their appearance but we can’t do the same with people. A lot of dogs are named for their physical characteristics. My friend has a chocolate Lab named Cocoa. Another friend has a white Samoyed named Snowball. My neighbor has a Dalmatian named Spot. And the guy across the street has a hairless Chihuahua named Marc Anthony.
I think people should be named the same way we name our dogs. It would make life a lot simpler. Let’s say you’re at Sotheby’s for an auction (I was there for the Elizabeth Taylor jewelry sale. Screw the Krupp Diamond, I was in awe of the pearl earrings shaped like gravy boats), and you run into a guy you know you’ve met before but you can’t remember who the fuck he is. If you’re with friends, you can work out a system where they cover you by introducing themselves so you don’t have to stall while you’re trying to remember his name so you don’t look like a schmuck. That’s an awful lot of work just to be gracious to someone you don’t give a shit about. However, if his parents had the decency to name him the same way they named their pets you wouldn’t be in an awkward position, and instead of having that uncomfortable “Geez, I think I met him in Cleveland and his name might be Frank” moment, you’d be able to walk up and say, “Hello, Lazy Eye, it’s so nice to see you again!”
If we can say, “These are my dogs, Fluffy, Curly, Brownie and Whitey,” then shouldn’t we be able to say, “These are my children, Backfat, Lardass, Pockmarks and Clubfoot”?
I love gangster nicknames. And I say that because if I say I hate them I’m afraid I’ll wind up in the trunk of a Buick and I’ll have spent thirty million dollars on Botox for nothing.
I remember turning on the TV and hearing about “Lucky” Luciano, and I thought, The man spent thirty years in prison, was shot in the face and had a droopy eye… What kind of luck is that? And then there was George “Pretty Boy” Floyd, who compared to Al Capone was pretty, but compared to Brad Pitt was an absolute dog. Also back in the day there was Al Capone, who was called “Scarface,” which is ironic, because today that’s what we call Jocelyn Wildenstein.
In the beginning John Gotti was known as the “Teflon Don,” because no crimes he committed ever stuck to him, but then he went to jail for life. I wonder if he then became known as “The Guy Who Forgot to Use Pam?”
My favorite was the famous Jewish mobster, Israel Alderman, who was called “Ice Pick Willie.” He could murder someone and help with catering at the same time. Perfect.
STATES OF THE UNION
New York is called “The Empire State” because of its wealth and diversity. I always thought it was named for Empire Szechuan on Columbus Avenue, but what do I know? Anyway, there are a lot better nicknames for New York than “The Empire State.” In fact, there are better, more thoughtful names for every state than the ones they actually have.…
Alabama: The Yellowhammer State
Should be called
The Room Temperature I.Q. State
or
The Dull-Normal State
or
The Everybody Has Grandpa’s Eyes State
Alaska: The Last Frontier
Should be called
The July 11th and The Rest Is Winter State
Or
The Let’s Gun Down Dinner State
Or
The Elk Don’t Have a Fuckin’ Chance State
Arizona: The Grand Canyon State
Should be called
The Early-Bird Special State
or
The Get Your Kids Off My Lawn State
or
The Let’s Lock Up Mexicans State
or
The Land of Old Asthmatics State
Arkansas: The Natural State
Should be called
The Airborne Virus State
or
The Hillary’s Considered Pretty Here State
or
The Mouth-Breathers State
California: The Golden State
Should be called
The Governor Diddled the Cleaning Lady State
or
The State That’s Pulled So Tight San Diego Is Now North of Los Angeles State
Colorado: The Centennial State
Should be called
The Lots and Lots of White People State
or
The Altitude Is Better Than Crack State
or
The John Denver Loved Us but Who Gives a Fuck Now That He’s Dead State
Connecticut: The Constitution State
Should be called
The Gateway to More Interesting States
or
The Would You Like Butter on Your Pastrami Sandwich? State
Delaware: The First State
Should be called
The There’s Nothing Here So Leave Us Alone State
or
The Desperately in Need of a Makeover State
Florida: The Sunshine State
Should be called
The I Have a Coupon State
or
The White Trash and Altacocker State
or
The Shaped Like an Uncut Penis State
or
Land of a Million AARP Members
Georgia: The Peach State
Should be called
The We Miss Slavery State
or
The If You Think We’re Stupid, Try Alabama State
or
The Home of the 3 Rs: Readin’, ’Ritin and Racism
Hawaii: The Aloha State
Should be called
The Kenya of the Pacific
or
The It’s Prettier on Postcards State
or
The Welcome Lepers, We’re Willing to Chance It State
Idaho: The Gem State
Should be called
The Even Iowa Makes Fun of Us State
or
The Other White Supremacist State
or
The If We’re the Gem State, Why Is the Bedazzler So Popular Here? State
Illinois: The Prairie State
Should be called
The Lincoln Was Definitely a Homo State
or
The Prairie Life Sucks State
or
The Chicago and Not Much Else State
Indiana: The Hoosier State
Should be called
The Even We Don’t Know What a Hoosier Is State
or
The Indy 500 and 364 Days of Boring State
Iowa: The Hawkeye State
Should be called
The Drive Through Us Sometime State
or
The Now with Three Black People State
or
The Even Buddhists Are Bored Shitless State
Kansas: The Sunflower State
Should be called
The Attention Homos: Dorothy’s from Here State
or
The Wizard of Blahs State
or
Kentucky: The Bluegrass State
Should be called
A Yawner After the Kentucky Derby State
or
The It’s OK to Whip a Darkie on the Porch State
or
The It’s Not Bluegrass, You’re Just Really High State
Louisiana: The Pelican State
Should be called
The State That FEMA Forgot
or
The Land of Floating Poor People
or
The Tryin’ to Pass Off Cajun and Creole as English State
or
The Enough with Jazz, Learn a Fucking Melody Already State
Maine: The Pine Tree State
Should be called
The Nova Scotia with Dockers State
or
The So Creepy Even Stephen King Gets Scared State
or
The More Old Lesbians Than Wisconsin State