by Christina OW
The one thing I’ll miss the most is being in your arms, looking into your beautiful blue eyes and growing old in our home with a huge yard and a white picket fence, watching our grandchildren play.
I knew with how busy our lives were- me with saving the environment and you blessing the advertising industry with your mad talent that we wouldn’t come around to doing this, and I was right.
When everything got riskier and more dangerous for me because of all the big guns I was determined to take down, it only made this decision easier and clearer for me to make. I didn’t want to leave you alone and I wanted to give you a piece of me so that you don’t forget me, to love and to share our short life together with. This was not how I wanted to go about this but it will have to do.
Sandra already knows about this and she’s got all the details. I bet she must be crying over how crazy this is. She was always a worrier; just don’t let her worry herself sick.
Here goes, don’t freak out just listen- or read. I’m giving you a child, not a grown child yet but my eggs. He or she- I’m hoping it’s a she, will have a piece of you and a piece of me. Our baby will be your push to keep living life as you should be, because I know you aren’t doing so well.
Don’t refuse and don’t fight it, but if you do, Sandra has the legal right to proceed with the procedure. I know I can’t force you to do this but I know she will but I hope you do this willingly, for me.
Not having your child is something I have and will always regret. Please just grant me this one thing or I swear I’ll haunt you until you do. But you will love her as much as you love me if not more and she will love you back. I promise you that. Sandra will help you as much as she can but I’ll always be around to watch over both of you.
Think of the baby as a Christmas, Valentine and Birthday gift.
I will love you forever,
Kristy
I let go of the letter and it dropped to the floor. The shock of it was crushing my chest forcing me to struggle for each breath I took. I felt a flood of tears run down my cheeks. I stood up and paced up and down on the small space.
“She can’t be serious, is this some sort of joke?” I mumbled to myself.
“It’s not a joke. I have all the details.” Sandra was calm, her voice leveled. I was the one hysterically freaking out.
I turned to her running my hands over my face and neck to wipe away the tears. “I can’t do this, what am I supposed to do with a child?” I yelled hysterically.
“It’s what she wants.” Sandra answered me coolly.
“We were supposed to raise our children together. I wasn’t supposed to do it alone.”
“It’s her last wish. If you doubt it...ask her.”
“Don’t patronize me Sandra!”
“I’m going to do as I’m told. I hope you do the same.” She came to me and hugged me tightly before she picked up her purse and left.
I sagged to the floor, my back against the counter my head in my hands.
“I’d missed you. You were gone for a whole month, it felt like a whole year.” Kristy whispered in my ear. She put her head on my shoulder and her arms circled around my neck.
I pulled my head out of my hands and faced forward, “I got your letter today. Why didn’t you tell me?”
She shifted and sat in front of me, “You were having a hard time believing that I wasn’t alive. I couldn’t tell you just yet.”
“Why not? All you had to say was ‘William I froze my eggs, go make a baby!’” I said sarcastically before I stood up and moved away from her.
“Okay, William I froze my eggs, go make a baby,” she spoke behind me mimicking my sarcasm.
I leaned on the couch for support, “Too late, your letter already stole the thunder.”
I felt her hand on my shoulder the other on my lower back, “So, when are we going to do this?” She spoke softly in my ear.
I pulled away from her and stood in the middle of the living room. “You need to be alive for us to do anything.”
“No I don’t. Science can do that, and then we can get a surrogate to carry our little bundle of joy.”
“There is no we, there is just me!” I yelled at her agitated.
“Okay fine, you do all the work I’ll just watch.” She said calmly.
“Yes, I’ll be doing all the work and you’ll just watch.” I paced while I yelled, “I’ll feed it, I’ll take it to school, I’ll deal with its rebellious nature and I’ll be the one to tell it, it was made in a test tube because mommy was dead and unavailable at the time, while you just watch!”
“I didn’t think having a child with me was such a nightmare.” She sounded hurt. I turned to face her. Her face was lowered and her arms were wrapped around her waist. I walked to her and wrapped my arms around her.
“I’m not saying it’s a nightmare, it’s just I don’t want to do it alone,” I spoke more calmly.
She looked up at me, “You won’t be alone. Sandra will help as much as she can.”
“She has her own life to live Kristy, she can’t always be watching over me.”
She pulled away, “Neither will I. But our child can do that. You can take care of each other.”
“I don’t want a child without you.”
“Well I’m not coming back to life any time soon so exactly what do you suggest?” She asked me frustrated.
“No baby,” I said firmly.
“I know once you get over me you’ll move on, and I’m sure she won’t mind you having a child if she loves you.” She spoke softly her voice riddled with emotion.
“I don’t plan on getting over you. You are the love of my life and my soul mate. I just don’t want to have a child both of us won’t be there to raise together.”
“This is what I want for you, for us. A child to represent the beautiful love that we shared, that we still share. It hurts that I’ve never made the time to give you a child but I’m doing that now, please let me!” She pleaded.
I stared at her, into her big brown eyes. I would love to see them on a daily basis. A daughter, running around the house, who looked exactly like Kristy. A little girl, who had Kristy’s laugh, her cry, her temper and her love for life and generous heart. I could see a picture of our family in my head; she was in my arms and Kristy was standing next to us.
But the reality is Kristy is gone, she won’t be in that picture, and it would just be me and our child. If that picture couldn’t be complete then it will never exist.
“No baby.”
She looked at me like I had just stabbed her in the heart. I saw tears dance in her eyes as she took several steps away from me. She stopped, and just stared at me. Her shoulders sagged and her arms looked like dead weight on her.
A weak smile crept over her face. “If you don’t want to I won’t force you,” she whispered.
I felt relieved. I moved closer to her but she moved further away, “I don’t have any other reason to stay. You are fine and you’ll be able to deal with my death better if, I mean when I stop hanging around you.”
My body tightened and my heart beat harder. She was leaving me, again. “Kristy, you can’t...” A sob cut off the rest of my sentence.
“I can’t stay with you. This isn’t how death works.”
“Okay then, I’ll have the baby just don’t leave me!” I begged. I was ready to do anything to make her stay.
“No you won’t. It has to be something you want. And anyway, with or without the baby I’ll still have to leave.”
I felt my legs go dead under me. “No. You can’t!”
She moved closer to me and put her hand on my cheek, “You’ll have a wonderful happy life. That I’m sure of.” She reached up and kissed me lightly on my lips, “Good bye William. I will love you forever.”
Then she was gone.
I panicked. I willed my legs to move. “Kristy, Kristy come back!” I yelled at the top of my voice.
I ran around the apartment, opening all the doors and looking into all the r
ooms and closets searching for her. I ignored the fact that my actions were useless but I needed to do something to get her back. She still had to be here, she couldn’t have left me. Maybe she was just having a tantrum over the baby issue and she was hiding somewhere.
When I couldn’t find her in the apartment, I ran out to the hall way. She wasn’t there. She wasn’t that fast, she couldn’t have gotten that far. I waited for the elevator but it was taking to long to get to my floor so I took the stairs. I ran flying over as many steps as I possibly could. I got downstairs and searched the lobby. She wasn’t there. I ran to the door and looked out at the streets hoping to spot her.
“Sir, are you looking for someone?” The door man asked me.
“Yes my wife.” I spoke fast, frantic unconscious of what I was saying.
“Sir, your wife died five months ago,” he spoke softly.
“I know that but she’s... she’s still...” I felt like I was loosing my mind. I ran back into the building and up the flight of stairs to my apartment.
I felt like I was suffocating. I grabbed my neck and scratched at it, trying to open a new air way. My mind was blank but yet full with the new realization that I would never see her again. She was never going to come back, she didn’t have a reason to- that was what she said.
I tried to control my breathing so that I could concentrate enough to stop this nightmare from recurring. She needed a reason to stay, a good enough reason not to leave me. I could have the baby, but that wouldn’t be enough. She would only stay a while then leave again. I needed a reason, one she would have no other choice but to come back.
I walked to the kitchen and picked up a knife. She needed incentive to come back to me, I’ll give her one.
I rolled my left sleeve up over my elbow. I wasn’t sure what I was doing but I knew it would work. I stabbed my wrist, and then slowly pulled the knife, extending the cut to my elbow. I dropped the knife and watched the blood gash out.
I sat down on the floor and waited for Kristy. If this didn’t bring her back then it will at least take me to her. I sat there and waited, counting each second as it ticked by. I felt weak. A fog was creeping over my eyes. A cool chill out of nowhere made me shiver as the cold ran all over me. I shook my head a few times to keep my head clear. I wanted to be awake when Kristy came back, how else would I know when to stop the bleeding? Or she could always wake me.
I lay down on the floor on my side, over my bleeding arm, letting the fatigue take over me. I closed my eyes, hoping to dream of Kristy and the beautiful little girl we could have had together.
I was going to sleep, just until Kristy comes back and wakes me up.
*
I woke up feeling groggy with an annoying ticking sound in my ear. I looked around wondering where I was and why Kristy hadn’t woken me up. I was in bed and had several wires attached to me and two tubes, one in each arm.
Where was I?
I lifted my head off the pillow but put it back down when a dizzy spell hit me. I covered my eyes with my hand and waited for the room to steady.
“Will, how are you feeling?” Sandra’s voice sounded worried. She pulled my hand away from my eyes. I stared at her, her eyes were red and her face reflected the worry in her voice.
“I’m fine,” I answered her with a smile.
“You shouldn’t have said that.” I turned to see Morris, his lips pressed in a tight hard smile. I was about to ask him why when I felt a hard painful blow to my belly that knocked the wind out of me. “That’s why.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Sandra yelled. I pressed my hand on my belly rubbing at the spot. I looked at her stunned; I’d never known her to be a violent person.
“They have hospital rules against attacking patients.” I said which only provoked another punch. “Sandra how about we talk about it?” I held my other hand over the fresh spot.
“Why did you try to kill yourself?” She yelled tears dancing in her eyes, “you and Morris are all I have left and you want to off yourself!”
“I wasn’t trying to take my own life,” I defended myself.
“Of course not, you were just trying to learn the anatomy of your arm. What better way than, cutting it open, as if you were gutting a fish!” She yelled sarcastically.
I looked at Morris for help but he looked determined to stay out of it. I turned back to Sandra’s fuming face and tried to find a delicate way to put the next few crazy words. “I did that... to bring Kristy back.” I did sound crazy. If mother heard me she would definitely get me locked up.
“What?” Morris blurted out. Sandra just stared at me shocked. If they didn’t think I was crazy before, they did now.
“We were discussing the baby thing. When I said no, she said she didn’t have any other reason to stay around, so she left, for good this time.” I felt a pain in my chest as I said the words out. If she didn’t come back when I lay bleeding in our kitchen, she was never coming back, no matter what I did.
“What?” Sandra echoed.
“You told me to ask her so I did.” I felt like I was shrinking under their perplexed this-man-has-lost-his-mind stare.
“I’m going to pretend I understood what you said and ask you the part that I do understand.” She shook her head and laughed nervously, “I can’t believe I’m asking this but what did she say?”
“She said that she wants me to have the baby.”
Morris moved closer to my bed. “So are you?”
“I don’t know.”
“We’ll talk about that when you are discharged. Right now I need to convince the doctors not to admit you to a psych ward. In the mean time Morris, watch him and make sure he doesn’t try any transplant surgery on himself.” Sandra spoke as she walked out of my room.
Morris sat on my bed and looked at me for a while before he broke out in a loud laughter.
“What’s so funny?”
“I’m just imaging what your mother would be saying right now.”
She wouldn’t think twice about committing me. “You didn’t tell her did you?”
“No, but we told Ron. I should call him and tell him how you are. He’s in Peru.” Morris walked out of my room his phone to his ear.
I looked at my heavily bandaged arm wondering how out of it I was. But I was very willing to die if it meant seeing her again. The thought of living without her hurt me so much but she was right, she couldn’t stay with me, that’s not how death worked.
She was dead and never coming back.
Chapter Eight
After a week in hospital I was released, of course with a parole officer namely Sandra. She watched every move I made, cooked the food I ate and tasted all the liquids I took to make sure I wasn’t trying to poison myself. If I stayed in the shower more than ten minutes she would knock on the door until I opened it, done or not. Once I tried to ignore her and she got someone to break down the door. I tried to explain I wasn’t trying to kill myself and she would nod and agree like she was trying to appease a five year old child. I never before thought of suicide but I found myself seriously considering it with her around for the last two weeks.
I loved her and I understood her fears but she was going over board with all of this. She was exhausting the little sanity I had left. Morris came to my rescue and took her away for the day, but that didn’t stop her from calling me every half an hour. I made it a point to answer each and every call. When she knew that I was okay and still kicking, it would keep her from coming back too soon.
I sat in my living room and turned on the flat screen. I had a six pack of beer at my feet, a bag of chips on my right, a bowl of pop corns on my left and a tray with six burgers on the table. I was going to enjoy my freedom while the warden was away. I looked at my left arm. It wasn’t as heavily bandaged as before. There was light gauze covering the stitches. I had really done a number on my arm, the doctors said it was a miracle I didn’t sustain any nerve damage. He wasn’t happy though when my family wouldn’t put me on suicide watch
but after he met Sandra he believed I couldn’t be in safer hands.
Sandra was responsible, protective, a shoulder to cry on and someone I would want in my corner at all times. I felt guilty putting them all through what I did. It was wrong and very selfish of me, all because I wanted to see Kristy and she didn’t even turn up.
I swallowed the bile in my mouth and washed it down with beer. The thoughts of Kristy hurt, especially when I was in a room alone. Morris was right the memory of Kristy in our home was beginning to torture me. I could feel her memories around me, taunting me with what I could never again have. The art pieces on the walls she bought, the multi light color dishes that she picked specifically to lighten the dark brown kitchen. The cream sofas and white cushions that were to match the gold painted walls of the living room. The sculptures all over the house that were supposed to represent peaceful aura of love and nature- I just called them voodoo stone dolls. The cool blue walls in the bathroom that were supposed to give the semblance of a water fall she had seen on the trip she took with Ron. Our bedroom- the one room she had insisted on decorating herself- it had both of us in there; sophistication for me and simple beauty for her. I don’t know how she got the two to blend but they did, just like we did.
But I have accepted that she is dead and never coming back. I just had to deal with it and keep living my life. I turned my attention back to the game, determined to spend these few hours of freedom enjoying myself and not wallowing in my misery.
It was after dark when Sandra and Morris came back. I had mixed feelings about her not coming at all. I was glad that I wouldn’t have to explain my every move to them anymore and gain my independence again, but I was also scared that I would be alone at night. I wasn’t too sure I would be able to survive it without trying to look for Kristy around the house again. The last time she left me alone I ended up slicing my arm open.