by Clara Bayard
I checked my phone. “Almost midnight.”
“Oh god. Five hours.”
“Impressive.”
She grinned. “We both needed a break, you know? Getting a little tense with the shows starting so soon.”
“Totally understand.”
“He’s been doing so well, I think. Keeping it together. It’s nice to just cut loose for once without having to worry he’ll disappear into a black hole of misery.”
“Mmm,” I said, noncommittally. I’d heard stories about Dex’s excessive partying in the past and rumors that Becca had been a big part of getting him out of the habit, but it didn’t seem like the time to discuss it in detail. “Well, Matthew and I had a great rehearsal and I’m ready to blow off a little steam, too.”
“You and Matthew. Is that…um, a thing?” Becca tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.
“What? No. Just work. And I guess, friends, sort of.”
“I know what you mean. But,” she looked around and then leaned in close. “Be careful with him. He’s shy and talks to you more than anyone else lately. If he’s got a crush…”
“He doesn’t. I’m sure of it.”
“Okay. I just…never mind. Look, I’m being nosy and I’m sorry. But I know you had a thing or whatever with Rick and now Matt…”
I could feel myself blushing furiously, and hoped the dim light would hide it from her. Becca had caught Rick and me kissing once and was nice enough to not interrogate me about it. And if she did, I had no idea what I’d say. I couldn’t really make sense of what was going on to myself, let alone explain it to her.
“I…No. There’s nothing. But it’s sweet of you to be worried.”
She smiled. “Not just about Matthew, either. Maybe it’s being with Dex, but lately I want everyone to be happy and in love. Especially you, Julia. You deserve someone who makes you happy.”
I shrugged. “The only thing I need to be happy right now is great shows every night.” But even as I said it, I realized it wasn’t true. As much as work and the tour meant to me, there was an empty space inside me. One that I’d gotten so used to having I sometimes forgot it existed. But sometimes wind whistled through the emptiness and reminded me it was there. And I wondered if it could be filled and by what.
Thankfully, my moment of maudlin was interrupted by the return of Matthew, bearing gifts of booze. I thanked and toasted him, downed my shot and resolved to just have fun, no deep thoughts allowed.
Fortunately, the alcohol kept flowing and eventually it took all my brain power to keep from falling over when I had to go pee. I slid easily into the flow of the group. We laughed and joked and teased. Bought drinks for strangers and accepted them in return. Before long I was convinced this bar was my new home and everyone in it my family.
Hours later the four of us piled into a cab and arrived back at the hotel, a ridiculous combination of exhausted and giddy. No one was sober enough to be the voice of reason, so instead of going to sleep we headed up to one of the lounges for more fun.
Inside we found my mother, evil publicist robot Christine and a bunch of Dream Defiled’s team. They were sipping champagne and looked oh so civilized. We rolled in like a mob of sloppy idiots, staggering and laughing too loud, getting the attention of everyone in the room.
For once, I didn’t care at all. I was having a wonderful time. The only thing missing was Rick. I’d sent him a text message on the way back, and was hoping he’d respond before I passed out. But in the meantime, I dragged Becca over to the bar and we did yet another shot of tequila. I’d stopped counting at the fifth, but judging from the way to walls were swaying to the music, we’d had around five hundred.
“Water,” Becca wailed at the bartender. Then she turned to me and smiled. “One glass of water per drink or shot will keep us from getting drunk.”
I giggled. “Yes. You’re a genius.”
Dex came up behind her and put his hands around her waist. “That only works when you do it from the beginning, my darlings.”
I threw a cocktail napkin at him. “Shut up. You away with your negativity.”
He chuckled. “Sorry, sorry. By all means, continue with your brilliant scheme to avoid getting drunk. Or rather, drunker.”
“Damn right.”
We were weaving our way across the room to a table when Rick came in. I could barely stand or see, but everything stopped when he appeared. There was a group of people trailing behind him, guys and girls, each looking as plastered as I felt.
Our paths converged in the center of the lounge. “Hey,” he said, looking me up and down.
“Hi,” I muttered, incapable of parsing all the emotions and sensations running through me. I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him, but knew I couldn’t. So I just stood there, staring. One side of his mouth quirked up and I wanted to lick him there.
“Bloody hell, are you two still at war? Stop it and be nice. The sun isn’t up for hours and we’ve all got a lot more drinking to do,” Dex said, slinging an arm over Rick’s shoulder. “Introduce us to your new friends, Rick. Surely they have low standards if they’re with you, and that’s my kind of people.”
The distraction was enough for me to regain my composure and I smiled. Taking Becca’s arm, I strode over to a table and pretty much tumbled into one of the low, soft benches.
She sank down next to me. “Is it me, or is this the greatest night ever?”
“It doesn’t suck.”
We collapsed into a fit of giggles as the rest of our now larger group settled in around us.
At one point my mother caught my eye and beckoned me over. On unsteady feet I made my way to her table.
“What?”
“Are you all right, Julia?”
“I’m fine. Just drunk. Like everyone else in here.”
She sighed. “Just don’t make yourself sick. You’ve got a lot of work tomorrow.”
I rolled my eyes. “Ugh, I know. I have a lot of work every single day. Can’t you just let me have one night of fun?”
“Of course. Have all the fun you want. Just don’t forget why you’re here.”
“As if I could.” I crossed my arms. “May I go now?”
That got another sigh. “Must every conversation we have result in petulance from you?”
I nodded. “Apparently.”
Her mouth hung open with surprise and I took that moment to walk away. But instead of heading back to the group, I walked outside, wanting a moment to myself. The brief confrontation had sobered me up a little and, much as I hated to admit it, she was right. I did have a long day to look forward to, and a hangover wouldn’t make it any easier. I leaned against the wall for a moment, thinking.
“You okay?”
I looked up. Rick was standing in front of me. “Fine. You?”
“I mean, you went over to talk to Laura and didn’t come back. That never seems like a good sign.”
I smiled. “It wasn’t a big deal. I’m just deciding if I want more booze or sleep.”
He strolled over and ran his thumb down over my jaw. “Are those the only options for the rest of this night?”
I closed my eyes at the feeling of his touch on my skin. “Mmm, maybe not.”
Rick chuckled and I looked into his eyes.
“What’s so funny?”
“You’re hammered.”
“So?”
“So you can barely stand. Much as I’d really like to take you upstairs and strip you naked, I’m thinking upstairs and sleeping is a better idea.”
I frowned. “I don’t need you to take care of me, Rick.”
“And I’m not trying to. Trust me, it’s totally selfish.”
“How?”
He wrapped his fingers around the back of my neck and massaged me there. “If you rest up tonight, tomorrow you’ll have plenty of energy for what I’ve got in mind.”
“And what is that?”
“I can’t tell you. Just thinking about it makes me hard.”
; I reached out a hand and felt he was telling the truth. Big time. “Now you really have to tell me.”
“Nope.”
I squeezed the thick length of him behind the thick denim of his jeans. He jumped back out of reach and laughed.
“You’re terrible.”
I grinned. “I think you mean wonderful.”
“Actually, I mean amazing.”
“No point flattering me if you’re not going to put out,” I told him.
“It’s not flattery, just the truth.”
I stood up straight, intending to walk over to him, but my vision swam a bit and my legs wouldn’t work right. “Shit.”
Rick rushed to grab me before I fell. “See? What I want to do is going to require a lot more coordination than you’re capable of right now.”
“Fine. Be a tease.” But I smiled, leaning against him, letting him support me. “Just point me towards an elevator.”
He chuckled. “I’ll walk you home.”
“Okay.”
We made our way down to the elevators and went up to my floor. My last few functioning brain cells recalled the time we’d gotten stuck together. But instead of anxiety at being trapped, my thoughts focused on the erotic encounter that had ensued. I ran my finger across my lower lip, still able to feel the pressure of Rick’s kiss.
“Please stop that,” he said, jolting me back to reality.
“What?”
“Whatever you’re thinking about. You’re practically purring and writhing over there.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” he continued, walking over to put his hands on my hips. “I like it. But I’m trying to be a good guy here. Not take advantage of you.”
“It’s not taking advantage if I want you.”
He groaned. “You’ll be the death of me, Jules.”
I froze at the use of my nickname. Not because I didn’t want him to use it. No, I shocked myself in how much I liked hearing it from him. But all of that was way too much to explain, so when he looked at me questioningly, I just smiled and kissed him softly on the lips.
The elevator doors opened and I stumbled out, managing to make it to my room somehow. Rick walked behind be the whole time. As I fumbled to use the keycard, he laughed.
“Need some help with that?”
“Nope,” I replied just as I dropped it.
He picked it up and opened the door for me, still smiling. “This is different.”
“What? You being less drunk than me for once?”
“That, too. But I meant us. Being nice.”
I considered it for a moment and nodded. “It’s okay. But don’t get used to it.”
He leaned down and kissed my neck before whispering into my ear. “Never. You’re a wild thing, Julia Clark. All claws and teeth and sexy curves. A warrior-woman.”
“I am?”
“God, yes.” He slid a hand down my back to cup my butt and pull me close to him. “You’re ferocious in a way I should hate. But I don’t. I never thought I had a type before, but now I think I’d just never met my type. Until now. Until I met you.”
My eyes widened and I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.
Rick smiled at me, squeezed my ass and walked out the door, tossing a light, “Good night,” over his shoulder.
*
The next evening I was sitting backstage, answering emails on my phone, waiting for everyone else to arrive, but still thinking about Rick. My hangover lingered as a throbbing headache, but I didn’t really mind. Whatever had led to the strange admission he’d made was worth it to me.
I never would have thoughts, mere days before the first show on the tour of my career that work would be the last thing occupying my thoughts. I knew I must look dreamy-eyed and silly, but I couldn’t help it. Things were going so well. Weird and unexpected, but in wonderful way.
Loud voices pierced my bubble of happiness.
“…Three hours late!” someone was shouting
“Get off my ass about it. I said I was sorry.”
Joe stormed past followed by Ryan, the guys’ manager or something. I wasn’t entirely sure what he did, except for always be around and drive Becca crazy.
“You can’t do that. Can’t just bail like that.”
“Fuck, I get it.” Their voices lowered but I could tell they were still close by. “Give me a break.”
I felt bad for eavesdropping, but I still got up to get closer.
“This isn’t the time to get lazy, Joseph.”
“I know, I know. Can we drop it and just get to work?”
“Mate, everyone’s been waiting for you. That’s not okay.” That was Dex. They must be in the green room. He and Becca hung out there most of the time we were between rehearsals.
“Don’t you start with me too. We’re always fucking waiting for your lazy ass to show up for thing.”
“Don’t be a dick,” Dex replied. “This isn’t about me.”
“No, of course not. It’s about me. Always about me. Joe has to be perfect. Always on, always smiling, always in control. Well I wasn’t perfect just this once. Feel free to kill me for it.”
“You don’t have to be like that. Just tell us what happened.”
I peered around the doorframe and there they were. Joe in the hallway, facing into the green room.
“Nothing happened. I wasted the whole goddamn morning waiting to do that stupid television appearance that ended up being thirty seconds long. Then I was tired so I went to my room and called Liss. I haven’t talked to her for three days. I fell asleep on the phone and came down here as soon as I got up. No big story, no big deal.”
“You have to admit, that isn’t like you,” Ryan said.
“Of course it isn’t. I always put this fucking band ahead of myself. Of everything I want and need. So don’t crucify me over a stupid nap.”
Matthew came running past me and I ducked back into the room to keep from being seen. “What’s going on?”
“Joe’s being a whiny brat,” Dex said.
“Fuck you, man,” was Joe’s reply.
“Guys, calm down. Let’s just chill out and get to work, okay?”
“Don’t fucking handle me, Matt.”
“I’m not, Joe.”
“You are. And I’m not in the mood for this shit.”
“Fine. Whatever.”
There was silence for a few minutes and then Dex said something quiet that I couldn’t make out.
“Bullshit!” Joe said. “I’m taking the rest of the night off. You guys can try running the band without me. See how that works for you.” He strode away and I heard a backstage emergency door slam shut behind him.
“Dex, please call Becca. Tell her to find him and bring him back. The rest of you get to the stage.”
I sat back down and sighed. Then I looked up and saw Rick standing in the hallway. He glanced over at where his bandmates were, and then walked into the room where I was and shut the door behind him. His face was dark with rage.
“Fucking idiots.”
I stood up and walked over to him. “It’s fine. Just the pressure getting to everyone a little.
He shook his head. “It’s more than that this time. Joe’s…different. Distant. He spends half his time doing solo interviews and shit, and the other half bitching about being away from his girl. Doesn’t leave a lot of time for playing music.”
“He’s the front man. That’s extra stress for him. Don’t worry so much.”
“Don’t tell me about my band, damn it,” he snapped.
“Sorry. I just want you to know it’s going to be fine.”
“And if it isn’t? If he just decides to quit, go marry Liss and make a million babies? Then what? Where does it leave the rest of us?”
“He wouldn’t do that.” I reached a hand out to touch Rick’s arm, but then pulled it back. “You guys are wonderful together. Everyone can see that. Especially Joe.”
Rick crossed his arms over his chest and blew out
a few deep breaths. “We’re so fucking close, Julia. So near reaching heights we thought impossible. But the higher we climb, the more precarious it is.”
Now I did touch him, placing my small hand over the wide bunch of muscles on his upper arm. The bicep tensed and then relaxed under my fingers.
“Rick, I understand. Believe me, I understand.”
“Yeah. It’s just…I can’t hold it all together by myself. Not anymore. I can’t keep it strong.”
“That isn’t your job.”
“It is. I’m the drummer. The band is like a song. I have to keep the heartbeat going or it all falls apart. Everything splits and runs away into chaos.”
My heart ached for him. I hadn’t realized how hard this was on all of them. And, as someone who’d experienced dizzying heights of fame only to crash down into nothingness, I could appreciate the fear.
“Then just do what you do. Keep the beat going. Let the others hear it and join in. You need all of you to make the song work. Trust them to know that too.”
Rick stared at me for a long time. “You’re right.”
I smiled. “Most of the time.”
He laughed. “You’re full of surprises, sweetheart.”
“You have no idea.”
FIVE
As I’d promised Rick, things did settle down for the guys. They went out and got drunk together and returned a happy family again. Whether or not it would last no one could say, but for the moment everything was okay.
The work was actually coming together very well. The members of the other band on the tour, Playology, finally showed up. We all met and ran through the show a few times. And a few days before we’d be hitting the stage for real, the suits decided the kids deserved a play-date. A night out at Waterfall, a new, giant nightclub that everyone in Vegas was talking about.
Of course, it would technically be work. An official appearance. But we were promised that after an hour of smiling for the cameras and sipping disgusting sponsored cocktails we could just have fun. And the run of the VIP area – complete with a balcony that contained a hot tub. And an open bar, of course.
Between band members, employees, babysitters and assorted others we rolled in as a group of over thirty people. It was the kind of ridiculous scene you see in movies about rock groups. Party buses, bottles of booze and a lot of leather and denim clothes. A terrible cliché, but a fun one.