Yes, We're Haitian

by Alain Patron

  As the ashes from the cigar hit the ground, Junior simultaneously comes back to reality. He confides in Emmanuel & Ricardo, “I don’t want to go back to school. I’ll eventually go back, but I need to do something important.”

  “Nope! Everybody is going to say it’s my fault and talk about how much of a bad influence I am on you. Look--I’ll support you in whatever you want to do, but I don’t need this shit right now,” says Ricardo after a heavy sigh.

  “You’re not hearing me! I have to do something for me! This has nothing to do with you!” says an aggressive Junior as he puts his cigar out and begins pointing it at Ricardo.

  Ricardo turns his head and squints in the direction of Emmanuel, who asks, “Are you thinking of a lie?”

  Junior insists Ricardo should look at him while speaking, but he can’t.

  “I don’t mind looking at you, but the ashes are going in my eyes.”

  They all laugh before Junior issues an apology. There’s another knock on the patio door from the inside. This time it’s Jean-Claude Sr., which prompts Emmanuel to advise Junior.

  “That’s the only person you need to convince.”

  Crown of Pikliz

  “Neglected for now, but yo, it gots to be accepted; that what? That life is hectic!”

  - Inspectah Deck

  The question no man wants to answer: Where would the world be without women?

  An enraged Jean-Claude Sr. approaches Junior on the patio, “Ou san respè pou parenn ou? Kiyès ou panse ou ye? Ti garcon, mande pardon anvan mwen kraze dan ou, ok? Pa jwe avè m! (You have no respect for your godfather? Who do you think you are? Young man, apologize before I break your teeth, ok? Do not play with me!)”

  “Kite l 'pou kont li; tout moun ap bwè ak manje bon. Chak fwa Edner bwè tafia, li fè grimace (Leave him alone; everybody is drinking and eating good. Every time Edner drinks rum, he starts trouble),” says Emmanuel.

  "What did I do that was so disrespectful? You take him at his word before even asking me what happened; you just tell me I'm wrong like a child. And, Unc, I appreciate you taking up for me, but I'm grown; I can speak for myself," says Junior to his father and uncle, respectively.

  “You’re a big man now, huh? Big man, I think you drank too much liquor; you need to go take some sleep,” says Jean-Claude Sr., who isn’t impressed with his son’s newfound bravado.

  “How do you take sleep?” asks Ricardo.

  “Big funny man, huh? Junior gets this nonsense from you!” says Jean-Claude Sr.

  Lord Edner, who had been standing in the patio doorway, joins the fray, “This guy Ricardo is the problem! He mark his body like the rapper in the street.”

  Ricardo begins counting backwards from ten.

  “Are you giving everybody time to run?” asks Emmanuel.

  “I learned in anger management to do a countdown whenever I feel like hitting someone.”

  Ricardo hugs Emmanuel before turning to Junior and saying, “I told you they’d blame me. Remember, I’m never wrong about people!”

  “Don’t know if you guys noticed, but he just threatened both of you,” says Emmanuel as Ricardo angrily walks back inside.

  They turn their attention back to Junior, but he interrupts them before they could further reprimand him, “Look, this isn’t about Ricardo or anybody but me, and that’s what nobody seems to want to understand!”

  Surprisingly enough, nobody responds as they allow Junior to continue while listening intently.

  “I appreciate everything that everybody’s done to make sure I grew up without wanting for anything. But now...now I need to know who I am, and I can’t do that if all everyone expects me to do is become my father!”

  Jean-Claude Sr. erupts in laughter and walks back inside after hearing his son’s impassioned plea for independence. Lord Edner soon follows, which leaves a dejected Junior to be consoled by Emmanuel, “You wouldn’t have made it this far in life if you weren’t built for this on your own. You’re a hard-worker & you’re smart, and if my vote matters--I think taking time off from school would be good for you.”

  “I have to agree with your uncle, bro!” says Broderick interrupting Emmanuel, who is none too pleased about it.

  “Don’t ever interrupt me again,” he says to Broderick before walking back inside.

  Junior assures Broderick that it’s cool, and reminds him that everybody’s been drinking. Broderick accepts this then asks Junior what it is that he wants.

  “I keep hearing you say you want to do something different and important, but what exactly do you want? Nobody is going to want to listen to you complain if you don’t have a ready-made solution.”

  Junior motions for Broderick to pour him another drink.

  “Between school and working at the hospital, I never really thought about it.”

  “I have an idea.”

  Back inside, Lord Edner seeks out and finds Edner Jr., and proceeds to give him a stern warning, “Tande m ‘byen, pa patisipe nan dezòd avec Junior! (Do not get involved in any of Junior’s mess!)”

  “Why am I getting in trouble for whatever Junior did?” wonders a confused Edner Jr. Irritate, he exits the party without acknowledging anyone, which is known as an “Irish Exit” to some, but in Haitian culture, this is classified as a B misdemeanor.

  As Edner Jr. makes his way to the front porch, he notices Ricardo pacing back & forth on the sidewalk talking to himself.

  “You realize nobody’s there, right?”

  Ricardo stops pacing, turns & stares at Edner Jr. then begins counting down.

  “Why do you want to hit me? I didn’t do shit!” yells out Edner Jr. while laughing with his hands up as if he’s being detained by the police.

  “Put your fucking hands down; I’m not going to hit you.”

  “You need to talk to my sister about meditating with astrology or something,” says Edner Jr. as he stares at the stars.

  “You’re so stupid; you know exactly how to make me laugh.”

  “Ricardo, let me ask you something; why you always beefing with my parents?”

  “I suppose I don’t fit their idea of what a good Haitian boy should be.”

  “Apparently, neither do I,” says Junior, who walks over to the pair alongside Broderick.

  “This whole night has been like a TV show or movie. Being around y’all family is so enthralling!” says Broderick. “Enthralling! Who talks like this?” asks Ricardo.

  “I’m just saying, the dynamic of all the relationships and rich culture is cool!”

  Rick Ross’ “BIG TYME” is heard blaring out of a galaxy blue 2020 Audi Q8 that makes a full stop in front of Ricardo, who has his hand out as if he’s waving down a taxi.

  “Why are you blasting music if you’re coming to pick me up from a family function?” he asks his mentee, Tyreef Jones.

  “Certain songs you have to listen to at maximum volume; you have to respect it.”

  “That’s your little brother?” asks Broderick.

  “Who that?” asks Tyreef.

  “Nobody!” says Ricardo, emphatically.

  “Don’t mind him; I’m Broderick, nice to meet you.”

  “Broderick? But you’re Black?” asks a confused Tyreef.

  Everyone gets a laugh out of this exchange then continue to shoot the breeze until Ricardo’s phone rings.

  “It’s Lisa; I have to go. Tyreef, we out.”

  “Lisa’s the lesbian you’re dating, right?” asks Junior. “How is she a lesbian if I’m dating her? She’s bi.” “You’re not going to give us a woke speech about being politically correct, are you?”

  “I think you know me better than that.”

  “Ricardo, before you go, let me ask you something. Junior’s real name is Jean, well...Jean-Claude and your last name is Jean, how is that possible? Does every Haitian have Jean in their name or something?” asks Broderick.

  “Americans are named William and have Williams as a last name. Bill is short for William, which means Billy Dee Williams
’ real name is William Williams. So if you want to make fun of names, start with American names.”

  “I didn’t mean anything by it, it’s just interesting how Haitian-Americans have similar names.”

  “None of us are Haitian-American.”

  “You’re all Haitians born in America; you’re Haitian-American!”

  “This country is crazy. A man with a dick can tell people to call him a her, but Haitians, with no traces of American blood, are told we’re a Haitian-American.”

  Ricardo embraces Junior & Edner Jr. with a hug while completely leaving Broderick hanging, causing Tyreef to slap him five instead.

  “Make sure you call me tomorrow!” shouts Ricardo as Tyreef speeds off.

  “Who was he talking to?” asks Edner Jr.

  “I think we all better call him, except for you, Broderick,” says Junior.

  “What was going on with you on the patio? And why did my dad basically tell me to stay away from whatever you got going on? What did you do?”

  “I told them I’m taking time off from school.”

  “What are you going to do instead of school?”

  “I’m going to Haiti!”

  “To do what?”

  Broderick interrupts, “You need me to take you to Monica’s house, Junior?” he asks while completely disregarding the fact Junior & Edner Jr. were having a conversation.

  “Yea, she just got off of work.”

  “What the fuck do you mean you’re going to Haiti?” asks a flustered Edner Jr.

  As Broderick starts his minivan, a 2017 Toyota Sienna, Junior tries to calm Edner Jr. down. “We’ve all had a long day; we’ll talk tomorrow,” he says. Junior hops in the passenger side of Broderick’s minivan before Broderick cautiously drives away, leaving Edner Jr. to question, “What type of person has a family van with no family?”

  With Junior now on board with his plan, Broderick is unable to curb his enthusiasm, “This is going to be pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty good!”

  “Take it easy over there, Larry David.”

  “I don’t understand how you never watched Seinfeld.”

  “Because Martin exists, and like Ricardo says: Must See TV on NBC meant you must see how we don’t have any Black people on our channel.”

  “I don’t understand why your cousin hates me so much,” says Ricardo with a tremor in his voice.

  “It seems like you don’t understand a lot of shit right now, but one thing you need to understand is that this is Monica’s house right here. Thanks for the lift.”

  “I’m not a Lyft, bro, but you’re welcome,” says Broderick as he pulls off.

  “Why’d you take an Uber here?” asks Monica Johnson, Junior’s quasi-girlfriend of three months.

  “No, that was Broderick.”

  “Wait. What? Why’s he driving a minivan?”

  “I don’t know. Today was crazy, baby.”

  They walk inside and lie down on the couch.

  “What happened at the party?” asks a concerned Monica.

  “It was a disaster,” he answers before pausing and taking a deep sigh. “Lord Edner was on some bullshit; my father pressed me because of Lord Edner’s bullshit. I told them I’m taking time off from school, and then they blamed Ricardo--who was getting ready to fight, but he left to go to his lesbian girlfriend’s house. Then they basically laughed at me for wanting to do something other than what they planned for me. It was like a sitcom in there.”

  “I’m actually glad I was at work, but let me ask you this…I understand you want to take time off from school, and I respect why, but what exactly are you going to do?”

  “Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

  “No, we’re going to talk about it right now!”

  “O...k? You know Broderick does a lot of charity work, right? He came up with the idea of traveling to Haiti to shoot a documentary on the people & culture in the aftermath of Hurricane Matthew. Plus, I’ve never been there before; I figure this is the way to get my parents to be cool with me taking ti...”

  “How many times are you going to say the same thing? Taking time off from school. Taking time off from school. Ok, I get it, but your plan is to go from doing what your parents want you to do to doing what Broderick wants you to do?”

  “I don’t sound like that!”

  “I don’t sound like that!”

  “Why don’t you tell me what I should do then, funny girl?”

  “That would defeat the whole pur…you know what? Let’s just got bed,” she says as she begins turning off the lights.

  “I can’t see what I’m doing!” yells Junior.

  “Ain’t that the truth!”

  Ricardo & Tyreef pull up to the front of Ricardo’s complex, where Tyreef notices the lights on in Ricardo’s apartment.

  “You left the lesbian alone in your crib?”

  “The lesbian? What’s wrong with you? And yea, why not?”

  “Nothing, you’re better than me. You think you can hook me up with her girlfriend?”

  “Nah, her girlfriend’s a lesbian. And wait a minute, what happened to your lady?”

  “I had to break up with her.”

  “What do you mean you had to break up with her? You ok? What happened?”

  “I’ll be alright, but, bro…she let her co-worker buy her lunch. She said she just wanted a frosty.”

  “What? I don’t have time for this today,” says Ricardo as he swiftly exits the car. “Get home safe, bro.”

  “It was a Taco Tuesday!” yells Tyreef as he drives off.

  Edner Jr. is tasked with dropping everyone's parents off because they've all had too much to drink. There's an eerie silence as they hop into his black 2019 Lexus GX, so Edner Jr. decides to put on some music. He plays "Family Feud" by Jay-Z as he starts driving, but it doesn't last long because his father refuses to listen to Rap music.

  “What is this nonsense you’re playing with your mother in the car? You a drug-dealer now?”

  “You have your seatbelt on?” asks his mother, Jennifer.

  “Yes, mom; my seatbelt’s on,” he says, laughing through his annoyance.

  After a series of questions about his driving abilities, Edner Jr. drops Jean-Claude Sr. & Tatie Nadi off and waits for them to get inside before driving off. As he arrives at his parents’ house, they’re both sleeping in the backseat, so he decides to take a picture to send to his sister, but the shutter sound wakes them up. Too drunk to ask about the photo, they instruct Edner Jr. to call his sister. They want to make sure she’s safe because she disappeared and didn’t say goodbye to anybody at the party.

  “I have to take this call,” says Johanne to a man sitting on the edge of the bed.

  “You good? Where’d you go? I just dropped mom & dad off, they said you didn’t say anything before you left.”

  “I’m at my friend’s house. There’s always too much drama at those parties; I had to get out of there.”

  “You’re right. Dad almost got knocked out by Ricardo! Plus, Junior & Broderick have some secret plan to go to Haiti because Junior wants to take time off from school.”

  “This all sounds fascinating, but I left the party because I didn’t want to be around that, so why would I want to hear about it now? Listen, I’m being rude to my friend; I’ll talk to you later. Get home safely,” says Johanne before hanging up without giving Edner Jr. a chance to respond.

  “That’s rude.”

  Johanne turns to her "friend" and asks, "You were going to beat my dad up?"

  “No, but I would if you told me to,” says Ricardo. Apparently, Ricardo & Johanne have been covertly seeing each other for some time. However, her parents have known for a while, which is why there’s friction between them & Ricardo. “What’s this I hear about Junior & Broderick having some plan?” asks Johanne as she sits on Ricardo’s lap.

  “I have no idea, but I know there’s something really wrong with that Broderick character. Did you know he’s a Nets fan?” asks Ricardo .

>   “I heard. The Nets are everything that’s wrong with New York.”

  “This is why I love you! Nets fans are trying to gentrify the city, but we’re (Knick fans) not having it!”

  “Did you just say that you love me?”

  “I’m drunk.”

  “No, no, no, you love me! Admit it!”

  “I love you, Johanne?”

  Limb-By-Limb

  “We are free by natural right- -it could only be kings who dare claim the right to reduce into servitude men made like them & whom nature has made free.”

  – Toussaint L’ouverture

  Explore freedom rather than equality. Freedom is our birthright and is non-negotiable.

  The morning after the party, Broderick is sitting at his desk in his apartment when the computer mouse dies. He begins shaking it then proceeds to bang it on the mousepad to try to bring it back to life. Patience has never been Broderick’s strong suit, as evidenced by his insistence of expediting the trip to Haiti. In fact, his entire career has been a series of seizing the moment. Through his company, Live Evil, Broderick provides a platform for stars to promote their own music, sports news, and lifestyle advice to bring them closer to their fans. The eccentric Broderick chose to name his company Live Evil beause it’s a palindrome phrase. He finally plugs his mouse into a charger and decides to record an announcement for his 730,000 Instagram followers.