It looked like it was going to be a beanie.
Cat guts! What had he forgotten to say? ‘Student approaching!’ he yelled.
‘Squeak!’ The mouse tried to wriggle free when his jaws opened. Boo snapped them shut again.
‘Squeak!’ said the mouse reproachfully.
‘What?’ The gorilla stared at Boo, its hand around its ear. ‘Speak up, puppy dog! What did you say?’
‘He said “Student approaching”,’ shouted the old woman disgustedly. ‘Blasted students. Haven’t had a good bogey to bash for months. Come on,’ she said to Mervin the Magnificent. ‘There’s Biff! Bam! Bingo! up in the dining room this morning. Bet I can Biff! Bam! you senseless in half an hour. And there’re tentacle scones for morning tea, too. We can keep an eye on the wormhole from the tea-room window.’
Suddenly the wool vanished from around Boo’s throat.
‘Th—thank you …’ he began.
But the ancient Heroes and their wheelchair and walking frame were already creaking away.
Boo blinked, finally free to stare around, the mouse dangling from his mouth. He had never dreamt that the school would be like this!
The wormhole had come out in a hollow surrounded by cliffs, deep in the heart of a hard sparkling mountain of black crystals rimmed with yellow. The sky above was red; even the light around Boo seemed tinged with flames, a deep pulsating fire. Thin grey smoke filled the air, with tiny threads of black and yellow. And below …
He gulped, making the mouse bob up and down in his jaws.
‘Squeak!’ protested the mouse. But Boo just stared down.
Down, down, into a pit where the world swirled and bubbled, red and vicious. What is this place? thought Boo frantically.
Blub, blub, blub went the molten rock below. The ground shivered in a tiny earthquake, then grew still.
And then he realised. He was in a volcano.
Boo gulped again. He’d come to the wrong universe! Who’d put a school in a volcano?!
Heroes, he thought. What could be more heroic than a volcano as a school?
Something flickered past his nose. It was a bat with shiny black wings and red sparks for eyes.
‘Squeak.’ The mouse wriggled again, trying to get free.
‘Tuff luckff, mouff,’ said Boo. He stared around again, trying to make out shapes in the smoke. There was the deeper black of a cave entrance, and paths, too, leading up through the cliffs. A sign on one of them said, ‘Danger! Wheelchairs crossing!’ High up on the cliff was another sign: ‘Rest in Pieces’.
So he was in the right place! But where was the school?
‘Hey!’ It was a girl’s voice. ‘Some thing’s come through the wormhole!’
‘It’s pretty small, whatever it is.’
‘It doesn’t look like a bogey. Much too small and dumb-looking!’ said the first girl’s voice. ‘And what’s that in his mouth?’
They must be students too, thought Boo in relief. They’ll know where I should go!
Suddenly Boo realised what they saw. Not the tough werewolf Hero he and the Werewolf General had planned, dressed in red and blue silk, striding out of the wormhole. Instead, he was a small, ruffled puppy, crouched among a tangle of wrinkled shirt and pants.
With a mouse in his mouth.
‘Errrrrrk!’ It was the first girl’s voice. ‘A mouse! A mouse!’
He had arrived.
10
Why You Don’t Sniff a Princess’s Bum
‘Shut up, Princess.’ The second girl’s voice was softer. ‘You’re supposed to be a Hero. Heroes aren’t afraid of mice.’
‘Huh,’ said the first girl. ‘I can beat you at Heroing any day, Yesterday. Big slithering things with fangs — no worries. I just don’t like mice.’ She peered down at Boo. ‘I’m not very fond of puppies either. Especially smelly ones.’
‘I think he’s cute,’ said the girl called Yesterday. ‘Look at his curly tail!’
Cute! Boo’s mouth opened in his best warning growl.
‘Squeak!’ yelled the mouse. It leapt to the ground and scurried back up the wormhole.
Boo hardly noticed it go.
‘Er, woof!’ he growled, in what he hoped was a good deep Hero voice, as he hurriedly began to shake himself free of his clothes. ‘I’m not a dog.’
‘Oh, yeah?’ said the girl — Princess, that was her name. ‘Four paws, lots of fur. You’re a woof-woof.’
‘Princess! Don’t be mean!’ said the girl called Yesterday.
Boo tore the last tangle of shirt off his fur and looked at the girls. Both were about his age. Yesterday was tall, and skinny as an ice-block stick, and sort of brown. She wore a drab brown dress down to her knees, made of some strange leather and roughly trimmed with a knife. She had long brown hair and brown skin, too, as if she spent a lot of time in the sun. Her feet were bare, and so tough looking she didn’t even seem to be uncomfortable on the hot ground.
But Princess! She was … gold and glowing. Boo decided she was the most glorious girl he’d ever seen!
She was the most heroic girl he’d ever seen, too. Even her hair was heroic! It was the same rich yellow colour as old Ms Shaggy’s fangs, and her eyes were as green as one of the dead slugs Mrs Bigpaws kept in the fridge as a special treat for the pups.
Princess was dressed in the most sensible human clothes Boo had ever seen, too: just a wisp of silky pink skirt and a pretty pink top that left her tummy bare. There was a small crown on her head.
Cool, he thought, wagging his tail hopefully. It’d be easy to sniff her bum in clothes like that. Then he’d really know what she thought about him! He padded forwards, dragging his pants behind him. He shoved his nose up her leg and …
‘Eeeerk!’ said Princess again. Suddenly Boo felt one of her sparkly pink sandals kick him in the chest. Hard. ‘What in the Otherwhen do you think you’re doing?’
‘Um, sniffing your bum?’ said Boo, trying to untangle himself from his pants again.
‘Sniffing my bum! My actual bum! How dare you?! Do you know who I am? My dad would have you beheaded for that!’
‘Cool it, Princess,’ said Yesterday. ‘No one here’s impressed that your dad is King of Puke.’
‘That’s Pewké, pronounced “Pookay”, you peasant,’ said Princess, tossing her heroic golden hair. ‘And I don’t like dirty little puppies sniffing my bum. Especially when they’ve just swallowed a mouse.’
‘No, I didn’t. It escaped,’ said Boo.
‘You know, he looks more like a wolf to me,’ said Yesterday, looking at him critically. ‘Look at his jaw, and the shape of his ears. A wolf puppy, anyhow. Anyhow, dogs and wolves always sniff bums. It’s how they tell if you’re friendly or not.’
‘Oh, right. Nice. As though I’m going to be friendly after having my bum sniffed!’ Even with her face all screwed up in distaste Boo had never seen anyone as gorgeous as Princess. ‘And I’m Princess Princess, remember? Princess Princess Sunbeam Caresse von Pewké, to be precise.’ Princess Princess fluffed her heroic hair. ‘Dad knew I’d be coming to the School for Heroes one day. So he made sure everyone still called me “Princess” even with the dumb school rule.
‘I think Princess is a great name! And I only smell bums when I can’t smell your widdle.’ Boo sat back on his haunches. ‘If you’d like to do a widdle I could smell that instead,’ he added helpfully.
‘How dare you?! That’s it. I’ve had enough …’ began Princess Princess.
‘Shhh. I mean shhh, Princess Princess.’ Yesterday looked as if she was going to smile, but didn’t quite know how to. ‘He’s new here, remember?’ She held out a hand. It was long and thin and brownish too, with calluses along the fingers. ‘Hi. I’m Yesterday.’
Boo sat on his haunches and held out a paw. ‘I’m Boo.’
Princess Princess snickered. ‘Hey, it’s like the joke. You know, about Boo.’
Yesterday frowned. ‘Boo who?’ she asked.
‘There’s no need to cry!’ said Princess Princess
triumphantly, just as a bell began to peal somewhere deep inside the black cliffs around them.
‘Ha, ha,’ said Boo. He put his paw down and stood up, his tail between his legs, and tried to give a doggie grin.
‘We’d better get a move on or we’ll be late for class,’ said Princess Princess. ‘I’m top of every class, you know. Bogey recognition, Wham! Bam! Pow! Zoom!ing …’
‘And modesty,’ said Yesterday softly.
Princess Princess frowned. ‘What did you say?’
‘Oh, totally,’ said Yesterday.
Princess Princess shrugged. ‘I don’t know what the teachers are thinking of, letting a dog in here.’ She smiled suddenly. Princess Princess’s smile was like a sunrise, thought Boo, poetic for the first time in his life. Or a sunrise with pearly white teeth anyway.
‘Of course! You must be a new guard-dog!’ said Princess Princess. ‘Sit, boy! Sit!’
Boo sat before he’d realised it. Sweat was beginning to drip down his fur. That volcano was hot! ‘Um … no, I’m not a guard-dog,’ he said. ‘I’m a Hero. Or I’m going to be one, anyhow.’
‘What?’Princess Princess’s laughter wasn’t like a tinkling stream. But Boo decided that tinkling streams would sound a lot better if they sounded like Princess Princess. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Woof-woofs can’t be Heroes. Even if they can talk. Three-headed Bulgoonians, yes. Vampire turtles, sure. But not little puppies! Yesterday, take Boo-Hoo here down to the kennels. It doesn’t matter if you’re late for assembly — no one ever notices you,’ she added, striding off.
Boo watched her go, then turned back to Yesterday. She was regarding him curiously, her big brown eyes wide. Her dress smelt strange, Boo decided, like some animal he couldn’t quite recognise. He would have liked to sniff her closer, but was afraid she’d be as angry as Princess Princess had been. ‘I know you’re not a dog,’ she assured him. ‘You really are a new student, aren’t you?’
‘Yes,’ admitted Boo. He peered down at the bubbling magma again, then around at the black cliffs and the even blacker entrance to the wormhole. There was a strange ledge of rock above it, he realised, shaped just like a bed. ‘I’m a werewolf actually. Um, where is the school?’
‘Here, of course.’ Yesterday gestured at a big dark cave further along the cliff. ‘That’s the entrance over there.’
‘In a volcano?’
Yesterday shrugged. ‘I think the heat is good for the old Heroes’ arthritis. Plus it’s, well, sort of heroic, I suppose, living in a volcano.’
‘But isn’t it dangerous being in a volcano?’
‘Only when it burps,’ said Yesterday. ‘I think that’s where the Hero bit comes in,’ she added dryly.
Another bell clanged deep in the cliffs, its shrill tone overpowering even the glug, glug, glug of the magma. ‘Come on.’ Yesterday began to hurry across the hot black rock towards the cave entrance. ‘You’d better see Dr Mussells.’
‘Who’s he?’
Yesterday didn’t break her stride. ‘The Principal. Didn’t you know?’
Boo shook his head as he scurried after her, leaving his tangled clothes at the wormhole entrance. The smoke from the lava tore at his nostrils, and his paws already felt like they were about to become werewolf kebabs. But if Yesterday’s bare feet could take it, he was sure his paws could too.
Yesterday glanced behind to check that he was padding after her. ‘All new students have to see Dr Mussells first. He decides what class you’re going into. But it’s nearly always Level 1. That’s the class Princess Princess and I are in. Most of us in Level 1 have only been at the school for a few weeks.’
‘She’s wonderful, isn’t she?’ breathed Boo, wagging his tail at the memory of Princess Princess’s yellow hair.
‘Princess Prinny?’ Yesterday sighed. ‘I suppose so. By the way, watch out for wheelchairs. There aren’t any speed limits at Rest in Pieces.’
‘How fast can a wheelchair go?’
‘Fast,’ said Yesterday. ‘Especially when it’s being driven by a Hero. The retirement village is up there,’ she added, gesturing up through the smoke to where the cliffs loomed above them. ‘Heroes like to have a good view of everything that might be happening, like a bogey invasion. The school is all down on this level.’
‘Do … do you really think it’s okay my being here? Being a werewolf I mean.’
A smile hovered at the edges of Yesterday’s mouth but didn’t quite make it. ‘You wait till you meet Dr Mussells,’ was all she said.
Boo trotted at her side. It was all too much to take in — the bubbling molten rock, the choking smoke, the smells of rock and strangers …
‘Aaaaaaghhhh!’ yelped Boo.
Yesterday peered down into the pit hidden under what looked like a normal stretch of black rock. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked politely.
‘Woof! I mean, yes.’ At least the pit had a soft layer of ash at the bottom. Boo shook the ash off his fur, embarrassed again. He ought to have smelt the pit coming. But at least he’d been in wolf form. If he’d fallen down the pit in Two-Foot form he could have broken one of his legs. ‘Um, are there lots of these?’ he asked cautiously.
‘Pit traps? A few. They’re to make us think where we’re putting our feet. Or maybe just so the oldies watching up in the tea room can have a good giggle. Come on, I’ll help you up.’ She bent down and grabbed hold of his collar.
‘No, I’m too heavy …’ began Boo, then stopped as he felt himself firmly hauled back onto the path.
‘I’m stronger than I look,’ said Yesterday. She still hasn’t smiled, thought Boo. Does she ever smile?
‘Um, should we do something about that?’ Boo nodded towards the now open pit trap.
Yesterday shrugged. ‘No need. One of the Aaaagh!ers will cover it up again. Till someone else falls into it.’
‘Ughers?’ enquired Boo cautiously.
Yesterday shook her head. ‘Aaaagh!ers. Zoom!ers teach us how to Zoom!. Wham! Bam! Pow!ers teach us about —’
‘Wham! Bam! Pow!,’ finished Boo.
‘You’ve got it. And Aaaagh!ers teach us about things that make you go Aaaagh! Mostly by leaving traps for us to learn not to fall into. Come on,’ she added. ‘Dr Mussells’s office is just through that cave there.’
‘The one under the big long rock that looks like a black banana?’
‘That’s it,’ said Yesterday. ‘I’d better run or I’ll be late for assembly. See you later!’
11
Doom! Doom!
Boo padded along the hot stone floor of the corridor. Wisps of yellow smoke oozed from the walls. A bat flickered by. Boo shivered. Despite the heat he felt cold … cold and alone.
He wished Yesterday were still with him. The School for Heroes was so much bigger than he had expected. He’d passed a dozen empty caves already, with round windows carved into the black baked rock, looking out onto the smoky air outside. Some of them had swords on the walls, or battle-axes. But none of them looked like a Principal’s office.
Maybe he’d gone the wrong way.
Another bat flickered past, its red eyes vivid against the black of the walls. Boo turned to watch it go, just as a door opened, and an elderly chicken came out. It towered over him, its feathers grey and tatty-looking, and its red comb gnarled and straggly. Only its claws looked sharp and savage. It carried a laptop under one wing.
‘Um, excuse me,’ he barked politely, trying to look like he’d never chased a chicken in his life. ‘I’m looking for …’
The chicken gazed down at him wildly. ‘Clawk! Clawk! Clawk! Clawk! Clawk! I see doom! Doom!’ it clucked. ‘There’ll be crying and lamentation and utter defeat! Escape, if you can! Doom! Doom!’
‘Er, I’m looking for the Principal’s office,’ said Boo, not sure whether he should be running for his life or if the chicken had just gone gaga.
‘Principal’s office?’ The chicken peered down her beak at him vaguely as a few grey feathers fluttered to the ground. ‘Do we have a Principal’s offi
ce? Ah yes, I remember now. It’s the second door on the left.’
‘Um, thank you.’
The chicken strutted off down the corridor leaving wisps of feathers behind her.
At least he knew where he was going now. Boo took a deep breath and tried to cock his tail up at a jaunty angle as another bat flickered through the smoke.
This was it!
‘Hello, down there!’
Boo peered up as the headmaster swung down towards him. Dr Mussells’s biceps rippled under his lilac silk shirt. His teeth gleamed white.
Boo stared. He’d never seen anyone with muscles that bulged like that!
Dr Mussells would have been absolutely terrifying, if he hadn’t been only thirty centimetres tall and at least 150 years old. And a monkey.
The headmaster swung by his tail from the light fittings in the smooth stone ceiling and held a grey furry hand down towards Boo. ‘Boojum Bark, isn’t it? We’ve been expecting you, boy, er, wolf. Welcome to the School for Heroes.’
Boo reached up a paw and shook the Principal’s tiny grey hand. ‘Woof! I mean, thank you, sir.’
‘So you want to be a Hero, eh? Hope you’re not barking up the wrong tree by coming here. He-he-he.’ Dr Mussells let go of the light fitting and jumped down onto his desk. ‘Get it? Barking up the wrong tree! But I’ve had a good report on you from the Werewolf General. You show great potential, I gather. Good man, er, wolf, your Werewolf General.’
The Principal leapt onto his chair and leafed through the documents on his desk. ‘Gave the Greedle a gutful, did you? Impressive, very impressive. Shows guts. Guts — gutful — get it?’
‘Um, I didn’t really give it a gutful of anything much,’ admitted Boo. ‘I just threatened to widdle in the ice cream —’
‘Exactly. Real heroic drama there,’ said Dr Mussells, reaching under his desk. ‘Make a good mini-series. Always useful for a Hero to star in a mini-series. Makes a good break from fighting bogeys. Like a banana?’
Lessons for a Werewolf Warrior Page 6