Worth Every Risk

by Laine, Terri E.

  Making sure the food isn’t too hot to eat, I set it down in front of her, along with a plastic cup of milk and a spoon. I’m not sure how safe forks are for kids. Violet digs in while I heat up my plate. It’s the same food, only a larger amount.

  When I sit down next to Violet, I want to laugh. She has potatoes smeared all over her cheeks.

  “Violet, is it good?”

  “Good.” She grins with her mouth full, and ordinarily I would be grossed out. But not now. I could kiss her she’s so cute.

  “Chew your food real good for Dada.” The last thing I need is for her to choke. I wouldn’t know what the fuck to do. “And don’t put too much in your mouth at once, sweetie pie.”

  “Sweetie pie,” she repeats. She does much better with this meal than with the cereal. Green beans, however, are a source of entertainment for her. I find her making little designs on her tray with them, or at least that’s what it seems like.

  “Eat your green beans, please.”

  “Beans. Pleeeez.” Then she makes a scrunched-up face. Guess they’re not her favorite.

  I take a bite of mine and say, “Yummmm.”

  She takes a bite and says the same, but that face goes all crazied up and then she shudders. It’s so comical I laugh. So does she. We do this several more times until she won’t take any more bites. I give her a pass. She really must hate the things.

  When we’re both done, I wipe her down, making sure there’s no residual food anywhere. Then there’s a knock on the door. I have an idea who it is. Grabbing Little One out of her chair, I go and answer it. Owen stands there with his daughter.

  I invite him in and the girls start playing when I set Violet down.

  “Andi asked me to check in on you … to see if you might need anything.”

  In a terse voice, I answer, “You can report back to her that everything is under control.”

  “Oh, I don’t think that’s—”

  I’m not interested in anything he has to say. “No, I’m sure it isn’t. I’m not exactly excited about getting checked up on. By you or anyone. I’m fully capable of handling my own daughter.”

  His mouth sags open, then it clicks shut. “I see. Well, I’m happy to see you’ve decided to take part in Violet’s life. A child needs her father.”

  This time it’s my jaw hanging open. “I’m not sure what Andi’s told you, but clearly you have the wrong information. Now, is there anything else?”

  He suddenly squares his shoulders and pulls himself up to his full height, which doesn’t come close to my six-three frame. “As a matter of fact, there is. Andi is important to me. I care about her. If you’ve come back to cause her problems, maybe you should rethink that. She and Violet were fine before you came to town.”

  Crossing my arms, I stare him down, just as I would an opponent on the field during a timeout or a foul. “Is that a fact? All I can say is, Owen, my man, you are in the dark. You know absolutely nothing about this situation, or me. And if I were you, I’d keep my nose out of this business.”

  The puzzled expression lets me know that Andi has told him nothing about us or this. He thinks she’s an angel. Let him. He’ll find out soon enough on his own.

  Suddenly, he blurts, “Holly, come on, honey. We have to leave.” His daughter skips over to him and they head out the door with Violet yelling, “Bye bye.”

  I do feel a bit guilty, because he’s been good to my daughter. Plus, Violet and Holly are friends. But he’s another one who believes I’m a deadbeat dad. Andi is going to set the record straight with everyone.

  Violet and I watch more TV until she starts to nod off on my lap. I make her brush her teeth before I take her to bed. After I read her another story, she begs me to get into bed with her. I accommodate her wishes, with the intentions of getting up and sleeping on the couch. But that never happens. The next time I wake up, the sun is shining in the room and it’s almost eight in the morning.

  Looking up, I see Violet staring at me.

  “Dada. Potty.”

  Great. I hope she doesn’t leave me a surprise again like she did yesterday morning.

  “Okie dokie. Let’s get up.”

  I walk her to the bathroom, where she goes. It’s quick and it’s only pee-pee, as she tells me. I wash her hands afterward and have her wait outside so I can do the same. Then when I’m done, she brushes her teeth. I borrow her toothbrush and brush mine. She zips out of the bathroom like someone zapped her butt with a cattle prod, and the zooming begins.

  “Mama.”

  Andi’s bedroom door is closed.

  “Ssh. I think Mama’s sleeping.”

  “Look.” She runs to Andi’s room, and before I can stop her, she’s inside and almost waking her up. Andi must’ve been tired, because she’s asleep on top of the covers. I fold the blanket over to cover her up and take Violet out of there so she can sleep. Then I hunt for some breakfast to make.

  When I check the freezer, I find frozen waffles. After suggesting them to Violet, she starts repeating the word over and over, so I’m sure they’ll be a win.

  Feeding her waffles is considerably easier than cereal. I’m learning more and more every day. After I clean up the dishes, Violet wants me to count her toes. We play all sorts of games, from hide-and-seek, to the tickle game, to story time. We’re on the couch and she’s snuggled on my chest when Andi finally wakes up.

  “Sorry, I didn’t intend to sleep this late. I saw you spent the night in her bed.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t plan on that either. I lay down and fell asleep.”

  “I know how that goes,” she says, rubbing her eyes.

  Better to get what needs to be said off my chest now. “Look, Owen came by last night. I want you to clarify something with him. He seems to think I have now just decided to become involved in Violet’s life. That’s the last straw, Andi. I don’t deserve that. From now on, it’s nothing but the truth.”

  Fifteen

  Andi

  I stare at him a moment.

  “Let me set the record straight. I asked Owen to check on you because you might have had a concussion the other night and I was worried about you. And yes, I also wanted him to see if you needed help with Violet because I knew you wouldn’t ask. But I didn’t have him come over because I was somehow worried you couldn’t handle our daughter.” I take a cleansing breath before moving on. “Furthermore, I didn’t tell Owen anything about you. Whatever he said to you, he came to those conclusions on his own, because my personal life isn’t something I share easily. You of all people know this about me.”

  The animosity between us is palpable, and his humorless chuckle reflects that.

  “I thought I knew you.”

  “Mama.” I glance down at Violet tugging on the hem of my shirt. “Poopie.”

  Everything I’m about to say, I swallow and smile at my daughter. “Let’s go.” To Chase I say in a softer tone than I feel, “Thank you for staying, but you are more than welcome to leave.”

  I stand in the doorway with a pasted smile on my face as my daughter goes potty.

  “Fineesh,” she proudly announces.

  I’m grateful she’s quick because Chase has almost made his way over to me. I don’t want to talk to him anymore. It hurts too damn much. She and I make fast work of cleaning up and washing her hands before I hand her a treat. The candy had been Owen’s idea, and it has worked so far.

  “So that’s how it’s done,” he mutters.

  With Violet nearby, I don’t chance a response and nod. Violet rushes to him, explaining her potty success in a mix of words and gibberish. I feel like a dead man walking, so I go to the kitchen to tackle lunch while I still have the energy to do it.

  Just as I put everything back in the fridge, Chase comes in. I glance over to see Violet is busy with one of her shows, so I prepare myself for another verbal beating.

  “Yes?” I hiss.

  He takes a second before answering.

  “You look tired, Andi. Why don’t you ta
ke a nap?”

  “I can handle this,” I snap, more out of weariness than anything else.

  He reaches over and turns my shoulder so I face him. It takes monumental effort not to lean into his touch.

  “As much as I hate that you kept Violet a secret from me, I can admit you’ve done an admirable job taking care of her. I’m sure you have another overnight shift and that Owen normally helps you out.” His jaw muscles grind together, but he forces the words. “I’m here. Go get some sleep.”

  I turn away because I can’t take his consideration. It only reminds me of the man I fell in love with.

  “I’m fine. I can sleep when Violet does. I’m sure you have things to do, like your career. Don’t you have to get back to Italy or something?”

  He spins me around to face him. Before I know what’s happening, he’s wiping a tear that’s spilled down my cheek. I hadn’t realized it. My body feels numbs from everything.

  “I’m not going back yet. You let me worry about that. We need to take Violet home to Waynesville.” Panic wells in my chest. “Andi, it’s going to happen. You’ll have some time off in a couple of days, won’t you?” I nod. “We can go then, unless you can arrange time off sooner.”

  “Chase,” I plead.

  He shakes his head. “You can’t hide her anymore. I won’t lie to my parents. And it won’t be fair to yours if they hear about our daughter from mine.”

  I cover my mouth. If I’d thought it had been rough dealing with Chase, my brother and parents are going to be devastated.

  “We’re going to get through this.”

  I can’t handle the distance between us, and finally I dart past him, saying, “I just need a minute.”

  I quietly go to my room and close the door. I curl up on my bed for a good soaking-your-sheets kind of cry. At some point, I drift off. When I wake, the clock reads well past lunch. I shoot out of bed in search of my daughter. I breathe when I find her dancing around singing to herself in the living room with her poor seen-better-days doll. I’ve tried replacing it, but she’ll have nothing to do with the new one. When I look, Chase is cleaning up the kitchen. Lunch!

  I walk over to him. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

  “It’s okay.” He’s being way too nice. I wait for the other shoe to drop. “Hungry?”

  I think about it. “Yes, actually. Is there any chicken left?”

  It’s almost odd how normal our conversation is.

  “I saved you some.” He places a sandwich in front of me. And then normal is gone. “There is something else we should discuss.” I bite into my food, knowing I’ll probably lose my appetite at some point during this conversation. “I can’t go to Italy without Violet.” I nearly choke. “If you think about it, Andi, it’s only fair.”

  I vehemently shake my head. “I can’t go to Italy.”

  His expression cools. “I wasn’t asking you.”

  My jaw drops. “You expect me to just hand her over?”

  He gives me a duh face.

  “It won’t be forever. Just until the season’s over, and we’ll come back.”

  Every reason why this can never work pops in my head.

  “And who will watch her when you’re at practice or games all over the world?”

  This is my gotcha moment. Only he has a reasonable answer.

  “I’m sure I can find a temporary live-in nanny that you can approve of.”

  The idea of someone else taking care of my daughter kills me.

  “And you think a nanny is better than her mother?”

  He snaps back, “Do you think Owen is better than her father?”

  I close my eyes, the fire in me extinguished because he’s right, and let go of my next retort. “And what am I supposed to do?”

  “You can play house with Owen for all I care, Andi. You owe me this time.”

  I sputter my next words. “Chase, she’s my world. I know you need to bond with her, but I just can’t imagine living one day without her.”

  “Welcome to my world,” he says.

  We glare at each other. But truthfully, I have no other reasonable argument. So I play my final card.

  “And if I don’t allow it?”

  “I’ll fight you.”

  He has the financial means to take her completely away from me.

  “And no doubt you’ll win,” I spit out. He tilts his head toward one shoulder in a half-shrug. “And you want to take her now?”

  “Yes.”

  Food forgotten, I press my lips together and stare at the ceiling before glancing back at Violet. “How can I live without her?”

  “There is one other option.”

  Hope blooms in my chest. “What’s that?”

  “Instead of me hiring a nanny, you can come with Violet and stay in my spare bedroom. If anything Fletcher said to me makes total sense, it’s that she needs you as much as she needs me.”

  Spare bedroom? Clearly, this isn’t an invitation to be a true family.

  “What about my job?”

  “It’s your job or your daughter. Maybe you could take a leave of absence? What’s more important, Andi? I’m not going to leave Chicago without her.”

  Sixteen

  Chase

  Andi stares at me, foot tapping the floor. She’s angry, that I know. “So, my job can be sacrificed, but yours can’t.”

  “Come on, Andi. That’s not the real reason.”

  “No? Sounds like it to me. Why don’t you stay here in Chicago then?”

  Grinding my teeth at her suggestion, I say, “I already answered that. You’ve had her for two years. I’ve been denied that by your choice not to tell me I had a daughter.”

  “I love my job,” she says. “I can’t just give it up.”

  “Why not?”

  “It’s not every day you find one like mine.”

  “You’re a nurse, Andi. You could be a nurse in Italy if you want.”

  She laughs. “It’s not that easy, and I’m not just a nurse. I’m a neonatal nurse. I work with prematurely born or post-surgical babies in intensive care. Some of them weigh only three pounds and are so sick. Imagine how tiny that is.”

  Three pounds. That’s barely anything.

  “How did you get into that?”

  She shrugs. “I was pregnant and wanted nothing but a healthy baby, I guess.”

  “So what do you do?”

  “Some of them are born with addiction problems, and we have to get them through that; some of them are multiples and born early. Some have heart defects and have to have surgery. There are so many things that can go wrong, and when I look at Violet and see how healthy and happy she is, I thank God it all went okay.”

  “Hmm.” I never thought about all of that. “With all your experience, couldn’t you get hired in Italy? Seems to me you’d be of great value to any hospital.” And I mean that in all sincerity.

  “I’m not licensed in Italy. I don’t speak the language or even know how to go about doing that.”

  For the first time in the last hour, I smile. “That’s easy. Max could tell us.”

  “Max?”

  “He’s my agent, and the knower of all. I could have him look into it.”

  “Oh.” Andi frowns.

  “Andi, I’m serious about having her with me. And I’m also serious about taking her back to North Carolina to meet our families. This secret shit is over.”

  She hangs her head, but I have zero sympathy for her. I can’t even imagine what her parents will say … or mine.

  “My mom is going to shit,” she says.

  “So is mine. But we’re adults and can handle it. Besides, Violet has a right to know them too. Look at what she’s missing out on. My God, she would be so spoiled.”

  Andi huffs. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

  Speaking of Violet, I glance over at the sofa and she’s sound asleep. “Looks like we missed nap time.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I think I’ll head home.”

&
nbsp; “Chase, I don’t want things to be rocky between us.”

  A bitter laugh escapes me. How can it not be?

  “Andi, how can you expect anything else?”

  “What I meant was, it would be nice if we could work things out. Without having to go to court.”

  She’s absolutely right. I would hate to drag this out. It wouldn’t be the best thing for Violet, either.

  “I agree, but I’m not backing down on this.”

  “I know. Do you want to come back for dinner?”

  Her invitation surprises me. I’ve thrown a ton of shit her way, but she hasn’t backed away from it. Yes, she’s not happy about it, but I can’t blame her.

  “Sure. Can I bring something?”

  “If you want anything alcoholic, you may want to bring that. I don’t keep that stuff around. I don’t drink much ever since I had Violet.”

  “Okay. What time?”

  “Is six okay?”

  “You tell me. You’re the one who’s cooking.”

  “Six then,” she says.

  I wave as I quietly leave, careful not to wake up Violet.

  The walk home does me good. I’m able to clear my head away from Andi’s apartment. But the farther away I get, the more convinced I am of my plan. This is the perfect time for the move. Violet is young. We wouldn’t have to worry about school. If Andi wanted to work, Max could find her information on getting licensed. She would also need a work visa. We were so great together once. I would’ve done anything for her. And the reality is, I still would. Why did she do this? The betrayal is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. The deep ache in my heart is bone deep and so unexpected because I still love her so damn much.

  A call to Fletcher is in order. He’s my compass and my barometer.

  “How’s it going?” he asks.

  “Okay. Violet is so fucking cute, man. You wouldn’t believe.”

  “Told ya. They’re something, aren’t they?”

  “I told Andi I was taking her to Italy, with or without her.”