by Molly Harper, Stephanie Haefner, Liora Blake, Gabra Zackman, Andrea Laurence, Colette Auclair
“Seriously, you’re not pregnant, are you? That could potentially fuck up the plans I’m calling you about.”
Stephen always has a plan of some sort brewing. As much as I usually hate his plans, he did take the book I wrote and sell it. He turned my novel into more than a literary homage to the small town I grew up in: he made it into a bestseller. He even managed to option the movie rights to an indie wunderkind celebrity’s production company, who insisted they would “bring the book to life with beauty, integrity, and passion.” They sounded so damn earnestly excited about the whole thing that, for a second, even I wanted to dress in vintage jeans and ride a fixie bike to work while drinking kombucha out of a mason jar.
I understand, acutely, that Stephen is a big reason my quiet little book has become successful. In much the same way, I know that had my husband not died, I never would have buried myself so deeply into the thousands of words that eventually became a novel. It’s strange how the sucky, terrible, heartbreaking things in life can sometimes sprout surprisingly positive things over time.
I roll my eyes and tilt my head back, then all I can see is the bank of fluorescent lights above me. Staring, I focus my gaze until small black spots begin to cloud my vision. “Of course I’m not pregnant. Last time I checked, I’d need to have sex for that to be a concern. It’s for my charming, lovable, and dimwitted sister.” Then I let my eyes close and give a sigh. “What’s up, Stephen?”
Waiting for his response, I silently brace myself before he inevitably roars into the phone again. It always seems like he’s yelling, which he probably is compared to most people, given that Stephen’s version of an appropriate noise level is drastically off the mark. He also loves to use his speakerphone, which never helps. He’s a big deal. Just ask him.
“Kate, my darling, we are about to make some real money.”
I can almost see his toothy, eager grin in front of me. When I originally tried to find an agent, I figured it would be someone quiet and bookish who liked to watch Colin Firth movies in the dark. Yet somehow I ended up with a guy who is like a caricature of a Hollywood celebrity agent, brash and borderline insane. Our relationship works for reasons that still elude me. Although a mutual appreciation of mockery seems to help.
“Are we going to start smuggling drugs inside my books?”
“No, smartass. Ever heard of The Evelyn Summers Show? Or Hal Abrahms?”
“She’s on cable, right? That overwrought women’s channel? The other guy is a late-night show on after my bedtime.”
“You got it.”
“Isn’t she the one who used to be on some soap opera?”
“Yeah, that’s the one. Used to play Alicia on The Bel Air Belles.”
“Christ, what a name. What does this have to do with me?”
“They want you for both shows. One will be a daytime slot; they have a book segment every other Thursday, in between the casserole cooking segment and pointless weight-loss tips. She’s all about tapping into the Iowa housewife’s inner goddess, crap like that. The show’s got a huge following and a great time slot. Right after that horribly irritating decorator guy that makes centerpieces out of other people’s trash.”
“I draw the line at participating in any on-camera cooking demonstrations or makeover segments.” As I start toward the cash register, old Mrs. Weck is already giving me a serious stink-eye for talking on my cell phone in the store.
“Calm down. No cooking, no mascara. All you have to do is go and be the Kate the world will love. Smile and do that wink thing you do. The Bible Belt won’t know what hit them.”
“What about the other thing?”
“After Hours with Hal Abrahms. He’s on after the big guys. LA in two weeks. Then Evelyn’s show ten days after that.”
“Why would the Hal Abrahms people want me on their show? Aren’t they usually about surgically enhanced actresses and pop stars?”
I cringe a little at the idea of being on display again, trying to seem normal in front of an audience, just as I have for the last six months at the endless book signings, web chats, and appearances Stephen has arranged. But these are the opportunities I, like every other aspiring novelist, fantasize about. So even when my country-girl fretting tries to get the best of me, I remember all those times I sat in front of my laptop, bleary-eyed but imagining, what if?
“Let’s not overthink the ‘why’ of it, just do it. Shit like this doesn’t usually happen to people who aren’t named J. K. Rowling. All I know is some producer’s wife read the book and has been raving about it. She met you at a signing with a bunch of other urbanites harboring city-slicker fantasies about a bucolic country existence.”
Stephen laces each word with disdain and fascination. As a man who believes that New York is the epicenter of the universe, and Los Angeles its close and only second, the idea that anyone would want to step one foot in rural America leaves him completely mystified.
“Somebody will call me with the rest of the details?”
I toss the pregnancy test down on the counter and look old Mrs. Weck straight in the eye, practically begging her to tut under her breath just so I can say something off-color about my loose ways with so many, many men. Before she can take the bait, Stephen starts in again.
“Would it kill you to muster some enthusiasm?”
“You’re not the one who has to get on television and appeal to the masses. You’re not the one who’s going to have to answer questions about characters and motive and inspiration. I mean, I know the tragic young widow thing makes for great television, but it’s also my life. Do I have to let every housewife in America in on that?”
Stephen picks up the phone handset. I hear the distinct click and know I’ve hit a nerve—no more speakerphone. He is going to yell straight into my ear.
“Yeah, you do, because it’s the truth. You’ve been stuck in that crappy little town for so long and everybody knows you as the little newspaper girl. But you’re a writer. The women that watch these shows want to be you, even with your baggage. They dream every day of waking up and having half the fucking talent you do!”
He’s breathing heavily now and I have to pull the phone away from my ear. Mrs. Weck is holding her hand out for some money. I dig a twenty out of my back pocket and hand it to her with a smile, then turn my attention back to Stephen.
“OK, jeez, you don’t have to yell. Calm down.”
“Sometimes, Kate, I just gotta yell to get my point across. I’ll have them call you with the details. Get your nails done and a haircut. If I know you, you haven’t gotten it cut since I saw you last.”
Before I can respond, Stephen hangs up. I mutter a few descriptive words under my breath to feel like I’ve gotten the last word in. Mrs. Weck is looking at me expectantly, holding my paltry change in her hand.
“Would you like a bag, dear?”
Propriety would suggest that I should say yes, but instead, I decline. Proudly. Strolling out into the sunshine on Main Street, I toss my reckless baby sister’s pregnancy test in the air and catch it, again and again.
In the bathroom at The Beauty Barn, where my sister works, she sighs heavily and acts as if she hasn’t done this all before. Lacey is the classic overly dramatic prom queen, beautiful in a way I never quite understood, with bottle-blonde hair, full curves, and a lightly freckled nose that is almost too tiny for her face. She is the girl who should have moved away from town but never did. Graduation day was the worst day of her life. She cried for hours, not because she would yearn for Crowell High, but because she didn’t know who she was without it. Junior college in Langston lasted two semesters before she came back. The Beauty Barn was thrilled because nobody can handle the high school prom season rush as well as Lacey.
She isn’t pregnant (never has been, for the record), and once I smooth her hair back from her frazzled face and gently admonish her for being so stupid, I walk back to my office. At the Crowell Times, my official title is assistant editor, although I’m also the office manager, form
er owner, current mortgage holder, and head writer.
For three generations, our family held court as owners of the local paper. When my father died, Lacey got the life insurance money and I got the paper. When my husband died, I hated everything for a while, including the paper. I sold it out of grief and confusion, yet without regret. It was the right decision, no matter how many people told me otherwise. Because I sold the paper to Herm Stein, my father’s best friend and longtime editor, all I lost was my name at the top of the masthead, which I never cared much about anyway.
Lacey never wanted to work at the newspaper; she worried the press ink would stain her clothes or that one of her friends might see her in the office with Dad dressed in his dorky press apron and green visor cap. I spent every day I could there, loving the smell of fresh ink and relishing the bustling noise of fingers tapping on keys. I liked nothing more than my father smiling at me in the most genuine way on those days, as if he could see the future so clearly, just by looking at my face.
After finishing my day at the paper, formatting some obituaries and trying to fix the copier for the hundredth time this week, I head out, the evening sky rich and dark above. The heady scent of a Montana spring fills the air, signaling impending rain that will likely last only long enough to dampen the dust on the dirt roads. As I drive, the distinct pull of a low tire on my car begins to tug the steering wheel, followed by a loud popping noise that means I’m about to take a long, lonely walk on a country road.
Involuntarily, I make a high-pitched guttural noise like a Saturday-morning cartoon. Think Yosemite Sam muttering, yelling, and groaning. Slamming the car door helps, but I know I’ll still have to walk because I’m on my own, without a spare to change, even if I could remember how. The spare is sitting in my garage, leaning against the wall where I left it a year ago, right after I discovered it was flat. Procrastination at its finest.
The rain starts in as soon I begin walking, before I can even finish cussing about the blown tire. Ducking under a large tree, I crouch down at the base and lean back into the trunk, realizing this is one of those moments when husbands come in so handy. Quiet except for the spattering rain and the sky so murky gray it looks like a tornado might appear out of nowhere, I lay my head against the bark and try to avoid the tears that might escape if I let them. Because if I do, then the sensation of being abundantly alone will be all there is.
2
Two weeks later, trying desperately to leave the house on time and hoping to avoid missing my flight to LA, I head out the door while awkwardly dragging my heavy suitcase behind me. I’m running on less than two hours of sleep because I couldn’t shut my brain off last night, and despite how a few more minutes in bed might have been justified, I want to drop by my neighbors’ place before I leave town.
A small makeshift road runs between the home James and I bought seven years ago and the neighboring ranch just south of us. The day we moved in, somewhere in the middle of unloading endless truckloads of boxes and belongings, Tom and Sharon appeared on our doorstep, bearing a twelve-pack of cold beer and a bag of potato chips. Before the beer was even half gone, Tom had helped James fix all the squeaky kitchen cabinet doors and Sharon had made me laugh enough times that my cheeks ached a little. After that, the road between our homes grew more rutted because of the near-daily coffee breaks Sharon and I shared. Over time, our words grew so honest and easy that it sometimes felt like Sharon was actually my sister and Lacey was merely my cousin, nine times removed.
I let myself in through the kitchen door of their farmhouse, which has been on this acreage for eighty years. Occasionally, when I put my hand over the tarnished black doorknob, I can feel the energy of all those years of backbreaking work, pain, and joy. Tom and Sharon are merely the latest in a long line of eponymous Montana ranching couples who have worked this land, the sort of people who grew up their whole lives knowing what the future held and never spent a second regretting or resenting it. In their reality, there are no weekends off, no holidays, and certainly no 401(k)s.
Inside, Sharon is at the sink chopping stew meat for the slow cooker and petting the cat with her foot. Her sandy brown hair is pulled back into a loose ponytail and the early morning light through the window makes her tawny complexion look almost angelic, like she is starring in a coffee commercial.
“Hey, sweetie, are you headed for the big bad world of California?”
“Yup. My Denver flight leaves at two o’clock,” I say, bending down to pick up the cat. “Hello, Mr. Kitty.”
Sharon pauses from her chopping and looks back at me from the sink. “Are you OK? You look like you can barely keep your eyes open.”
Letting my shoulders fall a little, I muster a half smile. “I was up most of the night worrying about forgetting to pack something important. Like underwear. Or toothpaste. Or my sense of humor.”
Sharon turns and leans back against the counter, cocking her head to get my full attention. “Is this what you want?”
I sit down at the kitchen table and let the cat nestle into my lap. “No.”
I sigh rather dramatically, and the sound of it in my own ears reminds me of the absurdity in acting overwrought about having some success. Every amazing what if I imagined is happening, and every satisfying validation of being a real writer is waiting for me. Those things just happen to be a world away, in the strange land of LA, a place where people remain convinced dreams do come true, even for widows and wannabes. I take a deep breath and focus on the good stuff, then silently repeat all the wise atta girl mantras I sometimes depend on.
“I just never really expected any of this to happen. TV shows and stuff. I’ll be fine once I get there.”
Sharon looks at me like a mother hen, worried and proud at the same time. When James died, Sharon was at the house every single day, making sure I hadn’t killed myself overnight and trying to get me to eat something. She helped me to the shower when I could barely get out of bed because of the exhaustion from crying all night. She watched me grieve like my heart was hanging out of my chest and the house itself practically heaved on its foundation when I sobbed. After someone sees you like that, there isn’t much you can hide behind.
Quiet overtakes the room and only the noise from the clock ticking and the cat purring breaks the heavy weight of waiting for Sharon to say something that will remind me why this is OK. Why I belong out in the world, where James isn’t but I remain. Why living a full, successful life without him isn’t a betrayal.
“Kate, this is a good thing. Embrace it. Heck, enjoy it if you can. Maybe even just a little.” She raises her eyebrows and waits to turn her gaze until I nod, signaling that I’m listening.
Stroking the cat once more, I look at the clock. “I better go.”
The cat jumps off my lap to amble into the living room, while I shove the kitchen chair under the table and move to hug Sharon. Grasping tightly for a moment more than necessary, she squeezes around my waist with her thick arms and mumbles something about staying safe in the big city before pulling back and finally releasing me. In the seconds just before I turn to leave the room, I want nothing more than to believe she’s right.
This is a good thing.
Embrace it.
The Stratton County Airport is nothing more than a landing strip that serves a handful of small independent pilots and their planes. There are no gates and no boarding passes. Most of us are here only to make our way to Denver, where one can board a real flight on an actual plane. Today, it’s just me and my luggage plus a few bags of mail piled in the back of Sam Graff’s old Cessna. I crawl in and wave good-bye to Montana for a few days, already missing the way the sun glints off the Blackfoot River in the early evening light. It always reminds me of James, casting his fly rod with a sensual grace that inevitably tore my heart into tiny shards of desire. Even nearly three years later, I miss his body in a way that weakens my breath.
LA is balmy and bordering on too warm when I arrive; even inside the airport terminal, the air feels t
hicker on my skin. Drastically different from home, where the perpetually dry air does nothing but skim over everyone in dusty gusts. Grabbing my luggage off the carousel, I scan the terminal for the driver the production company promised.
“Ms. Mosely?” A tall college-age kid appears in front of me, holding a set of car keys in one hand and a bottle of water in the other.
Pulling my shoulders back to take him in, I tip my head to the side. “Yes?”
“I’m Gavin, your driver. I’ve got a car to get you to the hotel.” When he hands me the bottle of water and drops a full smile, there is nothing to see but his teeth. So straight and white I wonder if he does commercial work on the side. “May I get your bags?”
Apparently, this is how the world works when Hal Abrahms wants you on their show. Pretty men with perfect teeth show up and hand you unanticipated bottles of water while simultaneously anticipating that you may need help with your bags. It’s splendid and slightly baffling.
He leads me out to a large black sedan, shiny and clean like it just came off an assembly line. After loading my bags into the trunk, he holds open the back door and I have to drive my gaze away from his beautiful mouth and the way the sleeves are rolled up on his cheap white dress shirt revealing his forearms, where sinewy muscles run enticingly down to his wrists and hands.
I have a thing for arms. Not biceps, although those are nice, too, but strong forearms are enough to do me in. It doesn’t take much, I guess, for a woman who has been alone for a few years and can count on one hand the times she’s had sex in those same years.
But these forearms are attached to a kid. I force a depressing calculation to consider the age difference. I’m thirty years old, and he looks young enough to need a fake ID. The kind of advanced math required to figure that out makes it easier to focus all of a sudden.
Gavin smiles and tries to make polite conversation during the ride. While I can only see his eyes and the top curve of his mouth in the rearview mirror, the polite grin is still evident from the turn of his upper lip. Before he can tip his head up enough so that I might see his full mouth in the reflection of the mirror, I turn to stare out the window and try to ignore how much I miss these things. Strong forearms. The curve of his mouth when he grins. A man who smiles when you walk into a room.