“Your speech will be right after Michelle’s. You can go after that,” she informs me.
My shoulders sag in disappoint. I sit through Michelle’s speech on why rescuing a pet from a shelter is better than adopting. Then, I stand up and give mine. The whole point of mine was for Craig to hear it. It seems silly to read it now. It’s personal and embarrassing, but it would have been worth the humiliation if Craig would have been sitting here to hear it. Although, honestly, I’ve been freaking out about reading it in front of him, so maybe this is for the best. Maybe he was never meant to hear it after all. I read my poem from memory, trying to remember to breathe in between lines. I’m shaky and nervous, but I manage.
He opens doors for me,
Says all the right things.
He’s sweet and sensitive,
And wants more than just a fling.
My friends are jealous
Because he’s charming and good.
He respects me and waits for me,
And I should be happy… I should.
But you give me a rollercoaster kind of rush.
And it feels like fireworks from the slightest touch.
You drive me crazy and I complain,
‘Cause it’s that kind of love that’ll drive me insane.
You’re frustratingly intoxicating,
So much so that I can’t seem to go without.
A high I never expected,
Addicted, without a doubt.
Because you send my head spinning.
And I can’t figure you out.
But I’m more alive than ever,
And I like the ‘me’ you bring about.
I should stay away from you.
I should push you far and run.
But then the high is replaced with nothing,
And I’m back to feeling numb.
So I’ll relish in your high,
And I’ll suffer in silence.
Because I’m not alive without you,
But I can’t depend on your reliance.
I can tell everyone’s confused, but it doesn’t matter. It was only really meant for one person and he wasn’t here to hear it.
Chapter 12
Hailey’s going to Michigan to spend Christmas break with her dad and Drew isn’t, despite her asking him to. I can see how upset she is but she keeps insisting that she’s fine. I’m not sure what to do to reassure her, since I’m not entirely convinced that she should be reassured anymore. Maybe she’s right. Drew has seemed distant towards her lately. And the fact that he’s not going to Michigan with her is kind of odd. He’s traveled there with her before and usually jumps at the chance to. She doesn’t offer to take me to Michigan with her as a replacement, maybe because she’s hoping Drew will change his mind at the last minute, or more likely probably because she assumes that I’ll be with my own family. I don’t tell her otherwise, because then I’d feel like it would just be a pity invite. So I pack up my bag to head home to an empty house.
I drive with Hailey, since she’s spending a day and a half at home before her flight leaves. Unlike the drive up here, the drive back home is dull and quiet. We don’t blast the music and sing loudly. There’s a tension in the air that says neither one of us are very happy right now. But we both pretend for the others’ sake. I don’t want Hailey to know that my parents are leaving me alone for the holiday because it’s embarrassing and I don’t want her pity. I don’t want anyone’s pity. I hate it; the ‘I feel so bad for you’ looks. And she doesn’t want me to know how upset she is over Drew, even though she has to know that I know. I thought by now we’d be laughing about how crazy she was to have ever thought Drew would cheat on her. But instead, now we’re both thinking it. She drops me off at my house and I say goodbye, knowing I’ll be visiting her house by the end of the day. Might as well spend as much time there before she leaves and I have no one.
I walk into my house and take in the familiar smell. It looks and smells exactly the same as it did a few months ago, but somehow it feels different. I walk up to my bedroom and start to unpack right away. When I’m done, I lay on my bed and it feels wonderful. I forgot how amazing the simple pleasure of sleeping in your own bed can feel. And that’s exactly what I end up doing – sleeping. Before I know it, I’m being woken up and the first thing I notice is that it’s dark out. I slept the afternoon away. The second thing I notice is too many people in my room. I try to shake off the foggy haze of sleep so I can focus on the faces. Hailey, Drew, and Craig.
“What are you guys doing here?” My voice cracks with sleepiness.
Hailey answers, “We’re stealing you away from your parents for a few hours. I tried to ask them, but I don’t think they’re home…” she trails off in question.
“They went out,” I lie.
“Oh. Okay, come on,” urges.
“Where are we going?”
“We heard there’s a bonfire down at Fin’s because he’s back from college and mommy and daddy aren’t home,” Craig answers this time.
“Who’s Fin?”
Craig turns to Drew, “Private school girls.” He rolls his eyes.
Evidently Fin was quite popular at Drew and Craig’s old high school, because the backyard is packed with college kids returning home for winter break. It’s freezing out, so most of us hang out inside. The ‘bon fire’ is really just a small fire pit and it isn’t enough to warm everyone here in the late days of December in New England. The actual fireplace inside, though, is more than enough. I don’t know a lot of the people here, since Hailey and I didn’t go to the same school as Drew and Craig, so I just sit on the couch with my beer and watch everyone else. Drew sticks with Hailey, looking just as lost as I am. He doesn’t talk to too many people here even though he went to school with all of them. Craig, on the other hand, is completely in his element. I don’t think there’s one person here who hasn’t said hi to him. Or one girl here who hasn’t tried flirting with him. I watch him intently, trying to figure out just when I fell for this guy who is completely wrong for me. He comes over to me and takes a seat on the couch beside me.
“What’s wrong, princess?”
“Nothing. Why?”
“You look bored. Or maybe upset? Did I do something?”
“No. I just don’t really know anyone here, that’s all.”
“Come on, I’ll introduce you,” he offers.
So I walk around with him while he introduces me to more names than I could ever remember. He doesn’t introduce me with a title. Not ‘this is my friend, Val,’ or ‘this is Drew’s girlfriend’s best friend, Val.’ He keeps it simple and I can tell some of his old high school friends are wondering more than just my name. I can see the question in their eyes, ‘why am I being introduced to her?’ but Craig never answers the unspoken question. I stand there, sipping my drink, listening to Craig catch up with old friend after old friend, and then another, and then another. While he’s in deep conversation with some girl who I can tell he’s slept with, I slip away to refill my cup. I can see Hailey and Drew sitting on a chair together, talking. I think about going over to them, but I’d feel like I was intruding. So instead, I slip out the back door to where there’s still a few people hanging out by the fire pit. I feel the bitter cold hit me as soon as I step outside. Although I have a sweater on, it’s not nearly enough to fight off the chill, so I inch closer to the fire and warm my hands over it. Suddenly, I feel a hand on the small of my back. I look over my shoulder and smile up at Craig.
“Hey. You didn’t have to follow me out here. I’m okay. You can go catch up with your friends.”
“Here,” he says, taking off his sweatshirt and offering it to me.
“Thanks.” I pull it over my head and inhale the musky scent of his cologne.
“Looks good on you,” he remarks, raising an eyebrow.
I hit his shoulder, “Shut up.”
“No, really. There’s something incredibly sexy about you wearing my sweatshirt.”
I just look u
p at him without responding.
“Craig!” Someone yells from the doorway.
“Go ahead,” I encourage him. “I’m fine, really. You don’t have to babysit me.”
He looks at me for a moment and then he turns to walk back inside. He stops just before the door and turns back to me, “Val?”
I used to get so mad when he’d call me princess. Now, when he doesn’t, it causes a sting in my chest that I can’t explain. “Yeah?”
“Don’t go anywhere, okay? I’ll be right back.”
I just nod my head. I told him I’m fine. I’m not sure why he’s treating me like a baby, but I don’t fight him on it, either. Honestly, it’s better to have him around. I don’t know anyone here, other than Hailey and Drew, who are in their own little world. And I don’t want to pop their bubble with everything going on between them right now. Back on campus, it’s easier to mingle at parties because there’s always new people. Here, it’s everyone from Craig’s old high school. Everyone knows everyone, except for me. I’m an outsider. So, I just stand around the fire until I’m too cold to bare it anymore, and then despite Craig’s asking me to stay here, I go back inside. When I walk in, I see him doing shots with a big group of people. I don’t go up to him because he’s with his friends and I told him he doesn’t have to babysit me. In the time it takes me to walk from the kitchen to the living room, I watch him do four more shots. When I get to the living room, I search for Hailey and Drew, but don’t see them anywhere. I send her a text.
“Where r u?”
“We left. Craig said u guys were fine.”
Great. I don’t know anyone here other than Craig. And he happens to be downing alcohol like he’ll never taste it again. I make my way back into the kitchen and find Craig making out with some girl. He seriously confuses me. One minute he seems completely into me and the next he’s having threesomes or messing around with a different girl on the change of every hour. I see a side to him that’s sweet and vulnerable and then, bam, it’s gone. And it’s replaced with this guy; the guy who seems cold and heartless. He told me to wait for him outside, while he’s in here doing this. Why did he ask me to wait for him out there? He told our ride to leave and then pretty much abandoned me. I should be angrier, but for some reason I’m not. It’s just so typical of him.
I pat him on the shoulder and he waves a hand behind his back, dismissing me without ever even glancing up from his liplock. So this time I push his shoulder, which actually infuriates him.
“What the hell?” he yells, turning around, his face scrunched in ager. But I see his expression instantly soften when he realizes it’s me.
I cross my arms. “You told our ride to leave. ‘What the hell?!’ is right.”
“Sorry, princess,” He lets the girl he’s holding go and she looks at him with confusion in her eyes. I almost feel bad for her. I can tell the make-out session they were having meant far more to her than it did to him. I want to tell her he’s an asshole, but the dirty look she gives me makes me refrain. “I was coming back out to you when these guys talked me into doing a couple shots with them,” Craig explains.
“I don’t care. Do whatever you want. I’m just letting you know that I’m going home.” I turn around to leave, but he grabs my arm to stop me.
“Wait. I’ll walk you. It’s the least I can do.” I can see the sincerity in his eyes, despite the alcohol on his breath.
“I’ll be fine.” I shrug. “Stay with your friends. Really, it’s fine.”
“Please?” he asks, his eyes begging even though his voice is calm.
“Okay,” I give. “Let’s go then.”
He nods to a couple guys on the way out, but doesn’t even bother saying goodbye to the girl he was holding just a few short moments ago. We walk in silence until we get to the end of the street.
“Do you want your sweatshirt?” I ask him, realizing that if I’m still cold in his sweatshirt, he must be freezing with only long-sleeves on.
“Nah, keep it.”
“Aren’t you cold?”
“Nope.”
“Craig, don’t be stubborn.”
“No, seriously. The alcohol is keeping me warm.” He gives me one of his famous sideways smirks.
“Okay... thanks.”
“Don’t thank me,” his smirk drops. “I was an ass tonight.”
“No, not all night. Just towards the end,” I tell him honestly.
He laughs. “Okay, I was an ass towards the end of the night. It’s just that…” he trails off, looking for the right words.
“It’s okay,” I assure him. “You were with your old friends, catching up and whatnot. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to babysit me anyways.”
“It wasn’t that. Trust me, it wasn’t that.”
I scrunch my eyebrows together. “What then?”
He takes a deep breath and I can tell even before he responds that it’s going to be something he would never admit to me if he were sober. I consider stopping him, but curiosity wins, so I wait while he works up the courage to say what he wants to say.
He exhales loudly and then hesitates before responding, “Everyone thought that we were together.”
I raise my eyebrows in question, but don’t respond, letting him continue.
“It got to me, that’s all.” He shrugs.
“Why would that get to you? Is it really that bad that they think you’re with some spoiled princess?” I ask with more resentment than I mean to.
“What? No,” he answers, genuinely surprised. “It’s because it’s not true. It got to me because it’s not true and I wish more than anything that it was.” His voice is firm with determination. “You’re all I think about. All the time. But I know that you’re too good for me. I mean, I get that. I’m not an idiot. But the fact that they thought we were together… that you could ever actually be with me… it was like a knife in my stomach, because I know it’ll never happen. What I am to you and what you are to me, are two completely different things.”
I stop walking and just stand there, speechless. He’s joked about it a million times before, but this is the first time that he’s sincerely admitted his feelings for me. I think I knew how he felt, but hearing him say it… I’m blown away.
He takes another deep breath and hangs his head down low before he talks again, quieter this time, “Shit, Val. I’m sorry. It’s my own insecurities. Forget about it.”
But I can’t. Not after he said it out loud. The question is, does it change anything? He’s still the same person he was five minutes ago, making out with a random girl and blowing me off. Would that be how we’d end? If I allow myself to be with him, would I end up being that girl with the hurt so clearly registering on her face while he walks away? Because I don’t think I could come back from that. I don’t think I could stand to even look at him again, knowing I gave him my whole heart and he could just dismiss me as easily as any of the others. I look into his eyes with my heart pounding out of my chest. His intense eyes stare back at me.
I feel a tingle of something wet on my skin and I look up into the dark sky to see that it’s just started snowing. It’s unexpected, yet beautiful, falling down in big puffy clusters all around us. With my head still tilted up, I notice the streetlights flickering like someone’s eyelids when they’re fighting sleep. When I lower my head back down, Craig’s lips are on mine. There’s no time to think about it. There’s no time to pull away. No time to protect my heart. In all honesty, I don’t want to anymore. He kisses me fervently and I kiss him back with just as much passion. I grab his hair and press my body closer to his. I can’t get close enough to satiate the hunger. I jump up, wrapping my legs around him as he catches me easily. He presses me up against the side of a nearby building and I let my legs fall as I feel his lips all over me. My neck. My chest. My stomach. It’s like fireworks across my skin. He looks up at me with a hooded gaze and with a husky voice says, “We should stop.”
I want to protest, but once the words leave his mou
th, all sense of reason comes back to my mind. He searches my eyes and I can tell he sees my resolve. He pushes my hair back behind my ear and kisses my forehead as he backs away. I stand there, breathless.
“C’mon.” He extends his arm out, offering me his hand.
I take it and walk with him, only letting his hand go when we get to my house. We don’t talk the whole way, so it feels awkward now. I would think he’s mad at me if it wasn’t for him drawing tiny circles on the top of my hand with his thumb while we walked.
“Good night, princess,” he says when we reach the top of the landing to my house.
“Can you stay? At least for a while?” I ask, my voice sounding so small. I don’t know what I want, but I know that I don’t want him to leave yet.
He looks behind me into the house and I know what he’s thinking.
“They’re not home,” I assure him.
He looks back at me with questioning eyes, but only nods his head yes.
I open the door and turn on the lights, illuminating the empty house. When I look back at Craig, he’s looking around in awe. I grew up in this house, so it doesn’t look like much to me because it’s what I’ve always known. But trying to look at it from new eyes, I guess I can see how it would be overwhelming and maybe even a little intimidating. It’s a big house and my parents have expensive taste.
“Come on in,” I tell him.
He takes off his shoes and walks into the foyer, following me into the kitchen.
“Do you want some coffee or maybe something to eat? I could make you a sandwich. You should really get something in your system after all the shots you did.”
“I’m alright, princess. I think that kiss was enough to sober up any man on this planet.” He smirks at me and I feel my cheeks flush as I look away.
“Okay, well… do you want to watch a movie or something?” I bite my bottom lip, feeling self-conscious. I’m nervous all of a sudden and I can’t control my fast-beating heart.
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