by Xavier Neal
“Would you stop that?” Lordy fusses forcing my attention back up.
Glove tugs at the tie around his neck. “I can't help it. You know how much I hate wearing ties.”
“I know you much you hate wearing you’re grown up clothes.” Lordy chuckles sliding a hand in his black suit pants. “Don't worry. After the grown up dinner, we can go to the grown up bar around the corner.”
“Things should only be around my neck if it's sexually related,” Glove pouts struggling with the tie once more.
“Too much information,” I grumble and look away towards the door that's opening revealing a familiar sight that I'm surprised to see. “Mandy?”
Her face abruptly jerks my direction and puts a smile on her face. “Clint?” Relocating herself beside me and my friends, I make note how Glove has stopped messing his tie, is standing straight up, and looking presentable. Amazing. I'm tempted to call her The Glove Whisperer.
She leans over and gives me a brief hug, a smile planted on face, “Congratulations.”
“Thank you!” She puts a hand on her hip. “What are you doing here?”
“Haven's graduation party is gonna be in the backroom. Is that what you are here for?”
“I wish,” she sighs and pushes her hair out of her face, which is when I swear I hear the faintest whimper from beside me. “Actually, meeting my folks and sister here to reluctantly celebrate my graduation.”
“You don't sound too excited about it.” Lordy says.
“Well how excited can someone be that on the most important day of their life so far, their parents are going to scold them for not picking a career with actual promise and praise their sister for marrying a rich doctor to give them grandchildren?” her exasperation is followed with her clutching her small purse closer to her body.
I open my mouth to respond, but am beat to the punch. “You be as excited as you deserve to be, because you worked your ass off and are more than just a baby factory waiting to be in service.”
At the remark, Lordy and I both furrow our eyebrows. Did he really just say that?
Mandy tilts her head at him and sighs in the sweetest tone I've ever heard her use with him, “Thanks, Michael.”
“Mandy!” Haven squeals rejoining us and hugging her friend.
The two girls get lost in a conversation among themselves and Lordy and I keep our attention on Glove waiting for an explanation. He's not even paying attention. His eyes are still focused on Mandy, the corner of his mouth curved upward. I recognize not only the smile but the look. I know that look. Lordy knows that look. We've both had that look. Shit.
Mandy turns to leave but gives us all a wave before she's gone. It's only then that Glove turns to look back at us. He notices we are staring at him suspiciously and shrugs, “What?”
“This way!” the hostess speaks up over the crowd.
I didn't see what I thought I saw. There's no way. Glove didn't have that look. He couldn't have. It's just not....possible. I know it wasn't possible for me either, but fuck. Do I not have enough chaos running around right now? The added confusion of Glove possibly in love with Mandy would just be too fucking much. Besides who falls in love that fast?
We follow the hostess to the backroom that's got more than enough room to accommodate all of us. There are several tables set up with white table cloths, vases with yellow sunflowers in the middle of most, and three waitresses waiting inside to get us all settled.
The four of us sit at the same time table in the center of the room. Our waitress, Jenny, immediately offers us samples of wine and champagne. Lordy chooses a wine, Glove chooses a beer, and Haven and I have champagne per Mindy's demand.
Conversation between everyone is light and carefree. It feels good. Relaxing. Normal. It's almost like being at her birthday party again except instead of being slaved by thoughts of getting her into bed, I'm slaved to these moments, these smiles being just enough for me. Haven keeps the topics on things related to school or her friends. Anytime Mandy's name comes up, Glove turns into an excited puppy, his tail wagging so desperately that Lordy keeps shooting me looks of concern.
Throughout the meal, everyone wanders over to talk to Haven and congratulate her on her success. On her achievements. And when they say it, we all know, with the exception of Glove and Lordy, that it's much more than just finishing school. It's about finally being stable in life with a haunting past buried.
Towards dessert time, Mindy announces that its gift giving time. Lordy and Glove decide to take it upon themselves to be the ones to play gift servers so I can stay by her side. Lordy hands her the presents, Glove cleans up the trash and stacks the gifts nicely on the table. Simple system.
Anna and Felix got her an expensive bowl mixer thing. Striker got her some expensive thing that makes espressos. I didn't even realize she drank coffee. Lexi got her a set of 10 leather bound classic novels, something Glove wasn't the most cheerful about moving. Guess he never realized books could be so heavy. Doug gave her a gift card to pick out her own present. Mindy gave her an autographed cook book by some fancy Italian chef. I'm just thankful it's not by some French chef. Any more French connection and I may be spending the night boxing out the rest of my frustration. Dad gave her a set of nice baking equipment while Glove and Lordy went half and half on some expensive cooking tools. Finally she gets to my present.
Haven rips the paper off the box and yanks the lid off revealing a black apron with sunflowers all over it with the words “The Future Mrs. Walker” written in cursive in the middle.
Mindy quickly gasps, “You're not proposing, are you?”
Haven's eyes settle apparently desperate herself to hear the answer. For the first time however, I can actually see she wants the answer to be the opposite of what it once was. My stomach turns. There's a sharp pain in my heart.
“No,” I swallow the sadness that the girl I wanna marry doesn't wanna marry me. “Not today...”
The crowd looks relieved, but Haven the most. She offers me a sweet smile doing her best to hide her true feelings. But it's too late. The damage is done. “Thank you, baby! It's perfect.”
I nod and put on the best facade smile I can as the dessert is delivered. The attention in the room shifts and returns to the state it was in, but I feel like I'm suffocating. Each wall feels like it's coming closer and no matter how hard I breathe it doesn't stop the feeling like it's going to crush me. I rub my fingers through my hair. What's happening to me?
Abruptly, I stand up and get ready to rush out of the room. Confused, Haven asks, “Where are you going?”
“Bathroom,” the lie falls out of my mouth.
With that, I exit the room aware of the eyes that are the back of my head but not being able to deal with it right now. I head straight for the front of the restaurant where I bust out the front door and am smacked in the face by the cool fall air. The sounds of the busy downtown roads are actually soothing. Slowly I stroll around towards the side of the building, long inhales being the only thing to keep me grounded.
“Fancy meeting you here,” a soft voice speaks up.
My eyes look up to see Jenny sitting beside the building, a cigarette dangling from her fingers. For the first time of the evening, I really give this girl a good look. Her hair is pinned high on her head, her olive skin made up, her uniform pressed to perfection, but the look in her eyes is that of someone who's lost hope. I would know.
“Shouldn't you be in there? Isn't it your girlfriend's big night?”
I don't respond. My face clenches tighter I don't need the guilt of running away from the scene. All I needed is a moment to fucking really just breathe. To find control again.
“Not much of a talker?” she keeps pushing at me, but I merely turn my attention back at the busy road where the sun is setting. “Strong and silent type huh? No wonder she likes you.”
Likes me? Wow. Likes me. My girlfriend likes me. Once upon a time it was clear to strangers she loves me. Now I've managed to fall down the pole back t
o elementary school liking. Fuck. Me.
“Hey.” she stands to her feet, puts out her cigarette, and crosses over to me. “I won't tell them you escaped out here.” Looking down at her I raise my eyebrows. “I'll lie and say you had to take a phone call. Cool?”
With a short nod I sigh, “Thanks.”
“Yeah.” She pulls hand lotion out of her pocket, I assume to hide the smell. “Don't mention it...”
And she stands there slowly rubbing the lotion in almost like she's waiting for me to say something to her. But if I wanted to talk I wouldn't have come out here to be alone. And if I wanted to talk to someone about something it wouldn't be to a stranger. To someone who has no idea what's going on. To someone who...isn't biased.
“I just...” the words are wandering around in the air as I shake my head still staring in the distance. “You ever feel like your life is spiraling into a never ending void of chaos and not matter what you fucking do you can't...stop it?”
Sliding the lotion back in her pocket she offers me a faint grin, “Every goddamn day.”
And with those words she circles around back heading the way I assume she came. Shockingly enough I suddenly feel the slightest ease. There's something about knowing that I'm not alone in feeling this way that makes it just a little more bearable.
6 Days til School
The sound of Mindy's car engine humming is the only sound besides our breathing that fills the car. My head leans against the head rest eyes plastered outside the window. I do my best to remain calm, but it's hardly working.
“Wanna talk about it, Slugger?”
I grunt, “I'm fine.”
“Is that why you've got a death grip on my door handle?”
My eyes glance down to the sight she's describing. Surprised at myself, I shake my hand loose from it and shut my eyes. The amount of stress that I'm suffering in only seems to be increasing. After Haven's graduation, I thought things would get better. They should've gotten better. We should've gotten closer and been spending time together. And yet. A groan escapes me.
“Slugger...”
“I'm fine.”
“How's your swim training?”
Adjusting my jeans, I shrug. “Better. My time is up. Way up.”
“Good.” She pats my thigh lovingly. “Really good to hear. And your run time?”
“Better.”
“Marksmanship?”
“Ideal.”
“Good, Slugger! Sounds like you're ready.”
“Almost.”
“And Haven? Is she ready?”
Her name that once made me smile makes me grind my teeth. It gnaws at me now. Reminds me of things that once were. Reminds me of when she used to adore me. When she used to spend time with me. When we used to get lost in one another. When I mattered.
“Slugger--”
“She doesn't know.”
“What?!” Mindy snaps loudly at me, her voice hitting that motherly octave. “What do you mean she doesn't know?” I don't answer. “Why haven't you told her?”
“I--”
“Do not say you haven't had time.”
“It's the truth!”
“How do you never have time?”
“She's never home!” my inability to remain calm apparent. “First it was school! Now it's job fairs and interviews! She's been home in time for dinner once since her graduation and been home twice at night before I crashed! Explain to me when I'm supposed to tell her!”
“Make the time, Slugger,” she smoothly says. “Because if you don't tell her, I will.”
In a mumble I say, “You're more likely to talk to her than I am.”
Hearing that she sighs and attempts to change the subject. “Are you excited about your birthday?”
“Am I ever?”
“I thought this year might be different.”
“Because?”
“Because you have friends. Because you have a girlfriend-” she cuts herself off mid thought and follows with. “Has she even mentioned your birthday?”
I'm not even sure she knows my birthday is coming. Scrubbing the back of my neck I don't respond. I turn my attention back out the windshield, “Where is it we're going?”
Mindy glides off the highway onto the access road and effortlessly pulls into the drive through of a Starbucks, the movement so fluid it felt as if almost no time passed between the question and her answer. “To get coffee.” When I look at her sarcastically she asks, “Do you want anything?”
A new life? My old relationship with my girlfriend? To bury my French replacement in training six feet under? I doubt any of that is on the menu next to low fat or decaf options. “No, thank you.”
“Suit yourself,” she hums and places her order with just as much cheer as before. Once she's drove around the corner in line behind a small sports car she points. “Open the glove compartment.” Doing as instructed I pull out a small velvet box with a bow on top. I look up at her a sarcastic look on my face. “Go on. Open it.”
I lift the box open and inside is a small bronze key. “Jewelry? How'd you know?”
“The sarcasm, Slugger.” she shakes her head approaching the window and handing the woman her card.
“What is it?”
“A key.”
I do my best not to snap at her again and let out an exasperated breath. “To what?”
“And that...is where we're headed.” She turns putting her coffee in the cup holder.
Not in the mood to argue any more I slump back down against the seat, my eyelids heavy in annoyance. There's not another word said as she pulls out of the parking lot and crosses the street to a storage facility. She types in a pass code. The gates slowly open and she drives to the end of the lot, takes a right, and heads straight for a unit in the back corner.
The moment she's parked in a space, she shuts the engine off and looks at me, her coffee back in her hands. For a moment, she says nothing. Contemplation clearly all over her face. I just don't know what's causing it.
“Mindy...why are we here?”
With a deep exhale she clinks her nails again the cup. An obvious tick that she thinks this going to be a difficult discussion.
“Do you remember when Jamie died, and your father boxed away all her things?”
It's the memory that sticks out more than any others with him. Of course I do. I simply nod.
“And Whiskey told me, he told you that I kept all those things he tried to throw out.” Our unexpected fishing trip floats back towards me. At that moment, I look down at the key in my hand. The one staring at me. My past. My memories. My mom. “Well I made three keys to the storage unit. One for me. One for him. One for you.”
I continue to stare the box. Mystified. What am I supposed to say? What the fuck could I possibly say?
“Slugger...I didn't know as much about Jamie as I wish I had, but I know the important things like how much she loved your father. How much he loved her. And how much she loved you.” My eyes dart up. There's a small tear in the corner of her eye. “And I promised myself when I moved her things, I would take care of you the best I could. That I would raise you as close as to being my own son as possible. That I would never let Jamie's memory be buried with her.” That explains why she calls me, Slugger. Maybe even her immediate approval of Haven. “Now...you don't have to use that key, but I thought maybe it was time you at least were given the choice.”
I wet my lips and pull the key of the box. It's light. As a key should be. I've handled enough to know what they feel like yet I expected this one to weigh a ton. “Has dad...”
“Not yet, Slugger.” she fidgets with her hair bun. “I don't think he'll be ready until he's learned to love again. If he learns to love again.”
My head nods. Slowly. So slow it feels almost like I'm not even moving it. Do I want to do this? Do I want to be surrounded by one of the only women I've ever loved? By the one woman who left me? Can I? Can I put myself through this? Don't I have enough shit to deal with?
“
Mindy--”
“Before you decide against it, which is where you're leaning because I know you better than you think, maybe with everything else that's going on in your life, this could be a little peace you're looking for.”
Peace. The complete opposite of chaos. I could use peace. Hell, I could use a minute to focus.
She unlocks the door, and I feel myself reaching for the handle. I need this. I need to face those memories. Maybe if I do, it'll make it all the easier for me to face what's going on with Haven.
I toss my head forward. “Is it that one?”
“Yup.” her finger does a slight point.
After clearing my throat, my voice hoarsely asks, “Will you come with me?”
She gapes. I give her a moment. I'm a little shocked myself.
“Are you sure that's what you want?”
Without hesitation I answer, “Yeah.”
“Then of course,” the words are so breathless it almost sounds like they weren't said.
The two of us slide out of her SUV and head towards the storage unit. I can do this. I can make this happen. I can face the reality inside. I. Can. Do. This. My hand rises to unlock the pad. It's shaking. Rocking. Unsteady. Fuck. Story of my life right now. Get a grip, Marine! You can do this! When the key is finally in the lock, I make a quick turn and there's a very distinct click. It's loud. It's strong. It feels like it can be heard echoing through the parking lot. Suddenly, it feels like my chest is constricting. Caving. I can't do this. I can't fucking do this right now.
I lean my forehead against the closed door. My eyes squeeze shut. The air seems too thick. Too condensed. Too harsh. I wait for Mindy to say something. To push me. To push me to go inside. To yank me to go back to the car. Anything. But she doesn't. She just stands there silently. Her breath no less shallow than mine. This feels too real. Like if I open this door she's just going to be there waiting for me.
“Open the door, Slugger,” he groans at me adjusting his watch.
I give him another look. He's now rubbing his chin. He has on that jacket that only means one thing. He's going to do what he always does tomorrow. Leave. I push the thought out of my head. I hate that he leaves me, but whatever. Not like I can make him stay.