As Charlie floored the speedy little Porsche and took off down the road, Josh stood where he’d been shoved until Stephen tossed him the truck keys Josh had left at the table. Josh slammed his left fist against the wall and then they left together, bypassing the shoe and praying Jessie could handle Charlie’s rage.
***
Charlie zoomed along the highway before taking an exit towards North Van and the mountains. As soon as he reached a secluded road he turned in, then slammed on the brakes and got out of the car.
“Get out of the fucking car!” he yelled. Then again, louder, “GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!”
Jessie got out, trembling. She had plenty of experience with men in various states of blinding white rage, and she was terrified, although in her heart of hearts she was certain Charlie would not, could not, physically hurt her. She stood there by the car in her divine Zuhair Murad gown, no wrap, and one bare foot. With her head down she stared at the dirt surface of the road, and she let him yell.
“Josh?!” he screamed as he paced. “JOSH?! Of all the guys you could be fucking around with, you chose that loser? Why, Jessie? Why him? It’s a little cliché to be banging your co-star, isn’t it?”
Jessie dragged a bare toe through the frosted earth.
“Do you want to know what a loser he is? Listen to this – I’ll tell you what a fucking loser he is!” He stopped pacing and stared at her. “When we were in High School, we hung out a lot. I always knew his family was messed up, especially his freaky father, but then one day the old man asks him to come by the black box studio where he’d been working for the last number of weeks. I had nothing better to do, so I hopped on the Skytrain with him and off we went. When we got there, there was the fucked up old coot with two gorgeous babes in lingerie. Well, there we were, two kids heading up the adolescence hill, and let me tell you, these women were hot.” He paused to take a breath – at least he was calming down a little.
Scared, Jessie looked up at him. She didn’t know if this was a story she wanted to hear, and a part of her wanted to yell at him to stop.
But Charlie continued, still incensed, and now on a mission. “Well, the old man always seemed to have some kind of hate-on for Josh, in fact I can’t remember a day when he was ever nice to him the way a dad should be, y’know, but on this day the guy was pissed drunk and he’d decided to have a little fun. So he got Josh to take off his jean jacket and he made him go over to this big bed he had on set, and he told him he was going to learn something that day, that he was going to become a man instead of this wussy little pukeface kid. Josh was scared; let me tell you, but all I could think was Sweet Jesus, yes, you lucky bastard! I backed off to a dark corner and watched my friend get fucked by these two hot babes, while his dad filmed the whole thing.”
Jessie closed her eyes and winced. This broke her heart. Why must sex sometimes be a terrible, nasty thing that destroyed lives and caused so much pain? She knew from firsthand experience that there was a line between vicious, violent, hateful sex and the sex she experienced with Sandy, and then Josh (with Charlie somewhere in the middle). To her, the latter was the most surreal, uplifting, genuine, extraordinary experience known to mankind. Polarized opposites of the same thing.
Charlie’s voice grew lower as he continued, and Jessie could see him there, crouched in a dark corner forgotten by Josh’s dad, watching this unreal experience. “Josh got off real quick, if you know what I mean, and then all of a sudden his dad starts cursing at him, I mean, really kicking up a Jesus fit. He shuts off the camera and throws Josh’s jacket at him. I look over more closely and I see your lover boy cowering on the bed, crying! Two gorgeous women there, fondling him like in some freaking dream, and he’s crying like a baby! I guess he was embarrassed as hell, but still…” He drifted off, remembering, and Jessie felt a little sad for Charlie, too, only a couple years older than Josh himself and probably pretty freaked out over what this man was doing to his own son.
“Well,” he said, his voice husky. “I got the hell outta there as fast as I could go, and Josh and I have rarely spoken since.” He gazed hard at Jessie. “At the time I thought maybe he was doing Josh a favor, handing him the real deal, you know, not some boobs in a magazine. But now I see that what he did was in fact film a fourteen-year-old kid in his first sexual experience, likely for a lot of hard cash. Child pornography,” he added, looking away. “And I wondered many times since what else Josh’s dad was into, did he force Josh into that shit again – or his sister, for that matter – and also, what the hell did he do with those tapes?”
Softening a little, a hesitant pallid moon peeking out from behind wintry snow clouds illuminating his incensed eyes, Charlie took off his jacket and wrapped it around the shivering Jessie’s shoulders. She was looking up at him with her sad, doe-y eyes and he felt a little rotten for having told her that. But then he added, “You don’t want to get mixed up with Josh, Jessie, no matter how much you hate me for screwing around on you, no matter how much you want to get back at me for my bullshit. He’s a fucked up guy, he’s from a fucked up family, and he’s dangerous. Stay the hell away from him.”
He stood there watching her for a moment as he calmed down, wondering what she was thinking and why it was so damn hard to really get close to her. Then Charlie reached out and gently placed a finger under Jessie’s chin. He tipped her face up so she’d be forced to look at him. “Jess,” he whispered. “I really do love you. You know that, right?”
She looked deep into his eyes and nodded as he softened noticeably. Damn, he thought. I’ve got to become a better man or I’m going to lose this girl.
To her he said, “I’ll do better, Jessie. I swear. No more messing around.”
He meant it, but there was still a layer of anger simmering underneath. That was the thing about loving someone – it was never cut and dry. Emotions are complicated things. Love is like working as a professional actor, like researching and learning a character you are going to play, from the inside out. It is deeply complex, consisting of layers upon layers, like an onion. Looking at his girl now, Charlie felt a rush of feelings pass over him – love, anger, irritation, resentment, annoyance…desire. That’s how he knew his feelings for Jessie were the real thing – his lovers, whom he told himself were now in his checkered past, didn’t raise such conflicted emotions. They were simply the yin and not the yang. They were only the good stuff - joy, fun and lust. Choosing to truly love someone as complicated as Jessie required endless patience and hard work.
Charlie backed off and walked around the car, then hoisted himself into the driver’s seat and waited for Jessie to drop into the passenger side. Freezing, she lifted her cold bare toe and rested it on her shoe, all the while thinking Sweet Jesus, if Charlie had any idea what I’ve been through in my lifetime. I guess he wouldn’t marry me then, would he? ‘Cause I am probably about as fucked up as they come. Once again she buried impending waterworks and hid in that place deep inside for a while, aching to hold a trembling fourteen-year-old Josh and tell him it’s okay, that sex could be so beautiful when you were with the right person that all you would see is radiantly painted rainbows.
When they got to his place, Charlie followed Jessie into the bedroom and retrieved his jacket from her shoulders. He bent slightly and tenderly kissed that place he liked between her neck and shoulder. He started backing away to hang up his jacket, and then paused to reflect on their tumultuous evening together. Caressed by swaths of the cold white moon, Jessie was standing on the side of the bed about to start taking her hair down. Charlie was awestruck by her simple grace and beauty. This recent infatuation with her co-star was unnerving. He cocked his head and let his glance embrace her slender body.
He felt as if he were looking at Jessie for the first time.
She is stunning, no doubt about that, he thought.
“Come over here,” he said softly, dropping his jacket at his feet.
She let her hands fall to her sides and thought on some basic level, Okay, ma
ybe he is sorry and wants to give me a hug. She could barely form thoughts by then, she was so angry and hurt and confused and sad.
Jessie turned and moved to Charlie’s side with the fluidity of a dancer, or perhaps a ghost, floating across the room. He took her wrist, turned it over and kissed it, then let his lips brush softly upwards against the inside of her wrist, her elbow, her bicep. He turned her around and gently unzipped the exquisite gown, trailing the zipper’s path downward with his lips. He knelt on the floor behind her and placed his hands on either side of her hips, and kissed her everywhere, up and down her legs, her buttocks, inside her thighs. After she stepped out of the dress he nudged her delicately against the footboard of the bed and slipped a hand between her thighs. He played there for a moment as she gasped and leaned forward, gripping the footboard, her legs parting and almost giving way beneath her.
Soon Charlie stood and let his hands wander around Jessie to her belly, down between her legs where he could tantalizingly slip a finger inside, then up to her breasts. Charlie buried his face in her hair as Jessie reached behind and unzipped his trousers, pulling them and his boxers down. Charlie was eager by then; Jessie was willing, and they needed this connection in the way that lovers do after confrontations and risk of loss. They needed to close the distance that had accumulated between them through Charlie’s regretful choices and Jessie’s longtime reticence. Their lovemaking that night was like nothing they had ever experienced together; it was unrestrained and raw. In some ways it was a new beginning, in other ways – an ending.
As Charlie slipped himself inside his girl from behind, under his breath he told himself over and over again as his thrusts increased in intensity, “You are mine. You – are – mine. Youaremine.”
Jessie reached further forward and grasped the bedclothes as she let Charlie pleasure her and, in return, take pleasure from her. The night had been excruciating but, all things said and done, this was the man she had a history with. Charlie was the man she would marry. Yet as her body gave in to him, she could feel the agony of loss take hold once again that night, and as she trembled and then exploded around him and he rejoiced, it was all Jessie could do not to cry out in the grief of it all.
Later, as he snored, she cowered on the cold tile floor of the bathroom, held a towel over her face, and let the tears come once again.
***
Chapter Twelve
Josh got a second chance to speak with Jessie in the barn at base camp two days later. She and Charlie had not had any more discussions about Josh, and Charlie made it abundantly clear that he and Jessie were still together, that the wedding was still happening. In fact, he hadn’t really seemed threatened by the possibility she might leave him for Josh – instead, it seemed, Charlie was just angry about who she chose to have some kind of affair with. All day Sunday the couple had lingered at Charles and Dee’s going over details for the wedding - picking out flowers, confirming the menu, sorting details. Jessie went along with everything numbly as Charles jostled Charlie, cracking son-in-law jokes, while Dee stared at her girl, wondering why she was so quiet and unhappy, and wishing Jessie would open up to her.
Sunday night, Charlie left for Europe with a simple hug and a quick good-bye. He wasn’t one to wallow, and he wanted to drop by his club on the way to the airport to have a face to face with the manager he’d hired to run the place. He didn’t seem overly concerned about Josh at that point – Jessie figured he must have thought he made his point, and that was that.
Later, at home, Jessie refrained from contacting Josh or any of the cast, but she had a few messages from Stephen, Maggie and Sue-Lyn. They were all just checking to see if she was okay, and said they would see her on set the next day. Jessie slept fitfully that night wondering if, from his bedroom, Josh could fix his gaze on the same stars she could see from her floor to ceiling window wall. Her bed was hollow, lonely – she adjusted a long leg here, an arm there, moving from side to side struggling for comfort. She finally fell asleep hugging a comforting fleece covered pillow with sorrowful Tedsy watching over her like a guardian angel.
Jessie arrived drearily at base camp at 5:32 a.m. Monday morning.
The entire day sucked – it was one of those typical Vancouver-y mid winter freezing rain drizzles, the kind when the weather is the last straw and people jump in front of the Skytrain. Everyone at Drifters was cold and cranky. Jessie spent the lunch break in her trailer absently listening to Maggie and Sue-Lyn chatter on about changes in the show’s storyline, while it appeared Josh had the company of Stephen and Carter. The girls talked a little about the evening at Annika, and the ensuing drama with Charlie, but Maggie and Sue-Lyn were careful not to say too much. It did become clear, however, that there had been something going on with Jessie and Josh, but that it was now over.
It was after that message got inadvertently communicated to Josh – via Sue-Lyn mistakenly saying, as they stood off set awaiting a lighting change, that she was sorry to hear Josh had gotten hurt over Jessie – that Josh forced the issue and had his say once and for all.
Jessie had just finished her day and changed back into jeans, brown leather cowboy boots, a long sleeved striped T-shirt, and her comfy black North Face marshmallow jacket. She grabbed her bag and water bottle, closed the door of the cast trailer, and was walking with her head down towards the SUV when Josh stole quietly up behind and roughly grabbed her arm.
“Ouch,” she cried, pulling away. Jessie turned sideways to glare at him, rubbing her arm. “I’m not sure if anyone on this planet has gotten the memo, but I’m getting a little tired of being dragged around!”
He glowered straight back at her. “In the barn,” he commanded.
Josh swung around, uncertain whether she’d follow. After a moment he heard Jessie’s small footsteps trotting behind him trying to keep up. She stopped when she reached Sally’s stall; Josh had paused at the door to demand of Pier that he not let anyone in for at least the next five minutes. Outside, Hilda and Sonia were chatting with Maggie and Sue-Lyn at the craft truck, but they all came to full attention and eyeballed the barn at the sight of Jessie following Josh like a chagrined child.
Josh took a deep breath for courage and then stomped down the center of the barn, stopping in front of Jessie. “I need to know what this is,” he demanded gruffly. “If it’s anything, that is.”
She held her own. “Why,” she said, crossing her arms petulantly, “do we need a label?”
Running his fingers through his hair, Josh cursed. “Dammit Jessie, are you still marrying that creep? Because if you are, then I guess what Sue-Lyn said is true – we’re done. But I’m holding out hope for more. I want more.”
Jessie stared at him and swallowed. She’d had tough days in the past but this one - these many moments with Josh, in fact - were up there in the top few.
“Why can’t we just do what we’ve been doing, just hang out after wrap, be together?” But it came out as a squeak. She knew it wasn’t possible. Jessie had learned the hard way that she needed to consider Charlie. That she wasn’t cut out to have affairs.
“Why?” he said. “Because I can’t do this anymore, Jessie. I can’t be your second hand lover or whatever the hell you want to call me. I can’t be second to Charlie. And I sure as hell can’t stand being here on set with you, hiding behind everybody’s back.” He was angry enough that Pier, guarding the door, heard his heated words as well as the ones Jessie threw back at him.
“Well what did you expect, Josh? You knew from the get-go I am marrying Charlie. The whole world knows! Did you think I was going to throw away seven years on a three-week fuck? Is that it? Is that what you thought?”
She reached up and grabbed his black hat, then threw it on the ground. It sat between them like a threat, daring either of them to cross.
Standing there in front of her, his hat and his dignity at his feet, Josh was overwhelmed with assured and final loss. He didn’t know what he had thought, except that it was serenely wonderful, being with her, and
he didn’t want it to end. But there was too much at stake for her, he knew that, and with Jessie’s final words thrown in his face, it seemed that it absolutely had to – end. The word was so final, the pain so acute, he thought he was going to throw up. He turned away from the girl he loved and moved over to the stall nearest him. Held on with his good left hand. Asked her to go. She didn’t move; she couldn’t.
“Jessie,” he said. “Go. Please.”
“Josh…”
“Please. Just go. Go, goddammit!”
Gasping, Jessie went to Josh and wrapped her arms around his waist. She could feel his body trembling as they stood there together, Sally the lone witness to their ruination. Jessie held on as tight as she dared for just a few more moments, whispered his name once just to feel it pass through her lips, and then it was finally over - the exquisite, wondrous loan from Father Time.
A Song For Josh, Drifters Book One Page 21