In the end, you find yourself reading the small print on the back of a bag of bread mix and thinking about what the Gnome said about home brew. Shite beer, he’d said, unless you add a cofactor. Well, it’s not like you know a lot about brewing to begin with, is it? So you hop on the web and, at considerable risk to your soul, begin searching for websites dedicated to the unclean pursuit.
When the buzzer goes off, you’re queasily engrossed in an account of certain jail-cell antics involving buckets, sugar, yeast, and unspeakable contaminants. The things neds will do to get off their heids . . . you jump, swear quietly, and hit the entryphone button. “Come in.”
You’re standing up when the door opens. Your visitor is probably white underneath the grime, walks with an odd shuffle, and could benefit from a shower and a session at a launderette. He’s probably about twenty and painfully thin. You smile politely. “Welcome to the Issyk-Kulistan Consulate, sir. Would you mind stating your name and business?”
“Ahm Jaxxie. Icannaehingyurrrbagaffbreidmix, likesay?”
Oh, he’s one of them. You nod sympathetically, walk over to the trunkful of INSECT-FREE FAIR TRADE ORGANIC BREAD MIX BARLEY-RYE, and pull out a bag. “One of these?” you ask, remembering to breathe through your mouth as you approach him.
“Gimmedat hingmie.” He makes a lunge for the bag, and you pull it away from him. He wears no specs, which is probably a good thing: He doesn’t look like the type to appreciate the panting contents of the leather sling he’s standing in front of in pornspace.
“You know how to use it, right?” You stare at him. “You know about the cofactor. What is it?”
Jaxxie stares at you in confusion. “Whut?”
“The stuff you add to the bread mix when you’re making beer. What is it?”
“Whut? Ayedinnaekenyeraxent, man. Whityurwantin?”
“What. Have. You. Been. Told. To. Add. To. This. When. You. Brew?” You hold the bag up. Jaxxie’s eyes track the bag like a dog hoping for a treat, oblivious to the gamine sailor boy and the pair of huge leather bears making out lasciviously at his feet.
“Ung. Hingmy. Awthat.” He produces a small glass bottle of tablets from somewhere in his Swiss Army jacket. You peer at the label: Selenium. “Gedditat Hollandunbarrut, likesay? Fuckin’ippies.”
“Very good.” You smile ingratiatingly and hand over the bread mix. “Don’t do anything with it that I wouldn’t do.” You wink at the virtual Marine who’s rubbing his crotch on Jaxxie’s leg and show him the door. Dietary supplements, right. The virtual marine is strangling the one-eyed trouser python and making calf eyes at you: Annoyed, you kill the wallpaper and drop back into beige-walled boredomspace. “Fucking hippies.” You sit back down at the desk and go back to reading up on home brewing. Maybe, you reflect, jailhouse recipes aren’t the best way forward.
You are a lucky man in many respects. You have a house (a genuine, authentic house with its own roof! Not a tenement!), an adoring wife with a respectable and moderately lucrative profession, and two bouncing children who squeal with delight when they see you (although of late you could swear that Naseem is holding back a little, in a faint foreshadowing of adolescent male surliness).
You also have two aunts, an uncle, a mother-in-law, six assorted grandparents, a vast and inchoate clan of in-laws and first cousins and nieces and nephews, and other, more distant relations whose precise proximity to your blood line can only be expressed algebraically—
What you don’t have is privacy.
Privacy is a luxury; to buy it you need to be able to buy space and fit locks, to switch off the phone and live without fear of dependency on others. Privacy is a peculiarly twentieth-century concept, an artefact of the Western urban middle classes: Before then, only the super rich could afford it, and since the invention of email and the mobile phone, it has largely slipped away.
Not that you normally need privacy. Your home life is happily lived in the presence of others: It’s not as if you don’t share a bed with your wife or put up with her mother popping round for a bag of rice and a sink-side chat every day. The other corners of your life you discreetly hide away in public houses and public toilets (although to be perfectly truthful, the latter make you increasingly nervous: You’ve begun to pick your partners for their bedroom décor as much as their looks). Still, once in a while, you want to bring something home with you without attracting Bibi’s attention or the bairns’ curiosity. And so, it’s time to go up to the loft again.
When you bought (or, more accurately, inherited) the house, you knew it had a loft—but not much more. When you first got up there, you weren’t impressed, but since then you’ve fitted DIY insulation and nailed it down with boards and carpet tiles so you can walk around. A loft ladder followed, and LED lighting tiles and mains outlets; you’re hoping soon to have enough cash to pay for a dormer window to replace the Velux. Bibi doesn’t come up here (she doesn’t like ladders—gets dizzy), and you’ve told her it’s a storeroom. Which is true up to a point, but you’ve got a chair and some bean bags and a projection TV and a small fridge for the beer. Before the filth collared you, you kept your waterpipe and a stash up here: But you don’t want Mr. Webber to get the idea you’re living a “disorganized lifestyle,” so you’ve reluctantly laid off the skunk. There’s also a tin-can aerial lined up on Cousin Tariq’s roof, an interesting router running firmware he downloaded off the dark side of the net, and a clean pad he gave you to work on when you got out of nick. But you haven’t spent much time up here since you got the new job.
That’s about to change, isn’t it?
There’s a wee hole-in-the-wall shop just off Easter Road, run by a middle-aged white guy with a straggly beard—Cousin Itt would probably grunt ’ippie on sight—that services the home-brew hobbyists. The shop smells of yeast and hot plastic from the fabber he’s got in the back for running up obscure knobbly connectors; most of the stuff he sells is off-the-shelf, though. When you walk in, he’s deep in conversation with a fat middle-aged woman with crimson hair, whose unseasonal shaggy black coat makes her look like a tank in the sheep army.
You spend a few minutes gawping at the gleaming stainless steel machine—it looks like a dissected automatic washer/dryer—that sits in pride of place on the shop counter. It’s some sort of German vorsprungdurch-technik microprocessor-managed brewery in a box—put in raw materials, select program, leave for a month, drink the output—but you don’t have a thousand euros to spare for it. Then you poke around the shelves for a bit, hunting for the items on your shopping list. The shopkeeper’s still yacking to the woman, who seems to be some sort of local beer monster, and pays no attention to you until you get to the throat-clearing toe-tapping stage. “Aye, sir? What can I do you for?”
You ignore the slip of the tongue. “I need these. And, uh, a siphon. And an airlock, I think.” You’ve been doing your homework, but you’re not entirely sure what an airlock looks like until he steps out from behind the counter and produces a transparent plastic hingmy.
“Boiled water goes here,” he says, showing you how. “Then you stick it in the bung like so. If you’re just getting started, you might want one of our starter packs. What kind of beer were you after?”
“Um, I’ve already got one,” you say: “a present.”
“IPA or Lager?” asks the woman, chipping in. “Is it bottom-fermenting or top-fermenting?”
You look at her blankly. The shopkeeper clocks what’s up and none-too-subtly eyeballs the nosy lass to butt out. “It’s okay,” he says quietly, “I’ve got a starter FAQ on the website. In five languages.” He passes you a card. “If you want, I’ve got a friend who can rent you some cellar space—”
“No, no, that won’t be necessary,” you say hurriedly: “I just need the, uh, apparatus?” Obviously he kens the ethnic angle, thinks you’re wanting the opportunity to quaff a wee bevvy at home with no betraying six-packs.
“Well that’s okay, then. Twenty-four ninety-six, please.”
You hand o
ver the cash and flee, then realize once you’re out of the door that you forgot to ask for a bag and you’re going home clutching a huge plastic bucket labelled FERMENTATION BIN and decorated with pictures of overflowing beer glasses. And he forgot to offer you one! Have these people no shame?
Bibi, for a miracle, is in the kitchen when you open the front door. You head upstairs at a dash and hurl the incriminating bucket up the loft steps before she has a chance to see it. You’ve still got to figure out how to get twenty litres of freshly boiled water up to it, and how to keep it warm afterwards, but at least she doesn’t have to know about you conducting your filthy haram experiments under her roof.
There is, of course, the old electric kettle, if you can remember where it’s lurking. It’s corroded and leaks alarmingly around the water gauge, but you don’t think Bibi threw it out. You clamber down the ladder and go into the kitchen to hunt around. Finally you think to look in the cellar, where the mains distribution board, the gas meter, and several piles of junk lurk villainously in wait for unshod feet. The kettle is resting under a layer of moldy plaster dust in one of the slowly deliquescing cardboard boxes. The cellar smells of damp brickwork, and your sinuses clamp shut in protest before you can beat a retreat. Which is why Bibi finds you in the kitchen, clutching a dusty kettle and breathing heavily through your mouth, when she bustles in with a wheelie-bag full of groceries.
“Help me unpack this,” she says breathlessly, then notices the kettle: “Oh good, are you taking it for recycling?”
“I need it for the office,” you say, then the breath catches in your throat as a convulsive sneezing fit takes hold. “Aaagh! Choo!”
“Not over the saag, you naughty man!” She thrusts a wad of tissue at you. “This bag needs refrigerating. When you’re feeling better?”
You blink red-rimmed eyes at her. “The cellar is damp.”
“Oh dear, has the dehumidifier filled up again?”
“What dehumidifier?”
“The one we borrowed from Martin, silly. Don’t you remember?”
She looks at you with a speculative expression that puts you in mind of a stableman sizing up an elderly mule for the glue factory. You sigh. Now that she mentions it, you remember her telling you something about dampness and a gadget the old guy next door had offered to loan her. “No, no I didn’t,” you admit. “You say it’s filling up?”
“Yes,” she says brightly: “It needs emptying once a week!”
“Damp. In the cellar.” If Sameena’s plans to try and hold a family reunion in Lahore to corral everyone into buying into some kind of extended family takeover of a half-completed hotel complex had worked, you wouldn’t have a problem with rising damp in the cellar. (You might have to dodge the occasional lunatic in explosive corsetry, but it can’t be any more risky than running the gauntlet of the random bampots down the Foot of the Walk on a Saturday night.) Alas, you were one of the idiots who balked at the idea of turning to the hospitality trade. “Besides, it rains too much there!” you moaned at your mother-in-law, regurgitating childhood memories of a June vacation. Oh, the irony.
“Yes. I think it’s getting worse.” Your wife tilts her head on one side as she looks at you. “What are you going to do about it?”
You sigh, deeply. “I’ll see if I can round up someone who knows about such things.”
She hands you a cardboard punnet full of mushrooms. “You’d better. Or we’ll be growing these down there.”
You help Bibi unpack the groceries that need refrigerating, then retreat upstairs to the bathroom, clutching the kettle. Not being entirely stupid, you wash the filthy thing out in the wash-basin, then take it up to the attic and return for a bucket of water (which you manhandle up the ladder precariously, with much sloshing and dripping).
Finally, you glance at the brew shop’s website, where there is indeed a multilingual FAQ. It’s in Arabic, Turkish, and Farsi among other languages, if you recognize the characters correctly: You’ll have to settle for English.
“First boil 20 litres of water and allow to cool to 40 degrees . . .”
You plug the kettle in, fill it up, throw the switch, and all the lights and electrics go out. A few seconds later, you hear Bibi cursing most immodestly downstairs.
You’re really going to have to tackle the damp now, aren’t you? Otherwise, you’re never going to hear the end of it.
On day four of your new occupation, you receive an invitation to a diplomatic reception at the Georgian consulate.
Actually, you received it on day two, or rather your spam filter received it, whereupon it languished in MIME-encapsulated limbo until you could be bothered to skim the contents of the mailbox, swear, then freak out and run squawking in circles.
“You are invited to attend an informal cheese and wine reception at the Georgian Consulate on Brunswick Street on—” (tonight) “—at 7:30 P.M., hosted by the Trans-Caucasian Inward Investment and Tourism Trust. RSVP, etc.”
After about fifteen minutes you wise up and dash off a hasty query to Head Office: Should I stay or should I go? You haven’t been keeping up with the daily bulletins from the Diplomatic Service—they are replete with information about yak wool exports, the lemon harvest, and the urgent need to redress the balance-of-trade deficit, but not so fascinatingly full of matters of statecraft—so you have not the veriest inkling of a clue as to whether the Independent Republic of Issyk-Kulistan is on kissing terms with Georgia, or at war, or something in between. All you really know about politics in the part of the world you represent is that it can be alarmingly personal at times, not to mention bloody-minded, brutal, byzantine, and any number of other unpleasant adjectives beginning with “b.”
There’s no immediate reply, so you call the Gnome. “Help,” you say succinctly.
There’s a brief, pregnant pause. “Help what?”
“I’ve been invited to a diplomatic reception! Help!”
“You’re beyond help, laddie.” He sounds amused. “You’ll just have to fend for yourself. Is it one of the Middle East missions?”
“No!” You swallow. “It’s Georgia.”
“Georgia next to Alabama or—oh, I see. Well you may be in luck, then: They drink alcohol. Just remember not to mention the South Ossetian question, the Transnistrian dispute, Azerbaijani shi’ite separatism, or the existence of Abkhazia. You’ve never heard of any of those places, so you should be able to quaff a free bevvy or six and leg it without giving mortal offence.”
“How do you know all this?” you ask in something like awe.
“I looked it up on wikipedia. Oh, and try to remember, the Russians are not their friends. Have a fun party! Cunt.” He hangs up.
(Cunt isn’t an unusual expostulation from the Gnome; it’s commonly directed at any lucky acquaintance who has gotten to stick their gristle missile in a particularly cute twink, and indicates envy rather than ire. Nevertheless, you feel acutely inadequate: It’s a shame you can’t send the man himself in your place, but he’d probably piss in the punchbowl and start a trade war or something. Just to drop you in it. The cunt.)
There is no reply from the Foreign Ministry, and with a sinking heart you realize it’s Thursday afternoon over here and probably closing in on sundown—they’ll be knocking off early for Friday. You’re on your own. So you apply yourself to wiki-fiddling for a couple of hours of fascinated voyeuristic geopolitical prurience—you had no idea the IRIK had such interesting neighbours. Then it’s knocking off time for you, too, with a few hours to fill until the party.
The shortest route to the Brunswick Street consulate is via Calton Hill, and your favourite pub; so you decide to fortify yourself with some water of life and a pitta wrap before you nip round and do the James Bond cocktail-circuit thing.
The Gnome is not in residence at this time. Neither is Olaf, the Norwegian barman you quite fancy. It’s still quiet—the Friday night meat market hasn’t opened yet—so you sit in a corner and quietly shovel back your ale and chicken tikka wrap. You’ve
got time to borrow a pad, boot an anonymous guest VM, and spend half an hour poking around a somewhat dodgy chat room Tariq introduced you to—one that you’re not supposed to go within a thousand kilometres of during your probation, maybe because it has something to do with the seamy underside of Internet affiliate-scheme marketing. (But they’d have to swab the screen for DNA to prove you were there: And anyway, you’re just looking, aren’t you?) Right now it’s a big disappointment. Nobody seems to be posting there this week—it’s like the usual denizens have all gone on holiday. Or been lifted by the Polis, more like, you think uneasily and log out of the anonymous guest account, which goes poofing up to bit-rot heaven.
With a sinking heart, you stand and make your way round the hill towards London Road, and thence towards the Georgian consulate, which is itself ensconced in a different-kind-of-Georgian town house opposite a row of imposingly colonnaded hotel frontages. Scotland, being one of those odd semi-autonomous states embedded within the EU post-independence and still only semi-devolved from their former parent nation, doesn’t rate actual embassies. Nevertheless, the glowing affluence of a real consulate fills you with mild envy: There’s a shiny black BMW hybrid in diplomatic plates plugged into the charge point outside the front door, and a flag on a pole sticking out of the second-floor window-casement. Not to mention bunting and coloured lights inside the wedged-open front door.
A Scottish woman in a trouser suit and expensive eyewear clocks you and smiles professionally. “Mr. Hussein. We’ve been looking forward to meeting you! Have you had your tea, then?”
Your ears perk up at this decidedly non-Edinburgh hospitality, but your stomach’s been rumbled: You nod. “Alas, yes, Ms.—”
“Macintosh, Fi Macintosh.” She beckons you in like an affable praying mantis—she’s about ten centimetres taller than you, and looms alarmingly. “Notary and assistant to the first consul. That’s Dr. Mazniashvili. Won’t you come in? We have grape juice—or wine, if you’re so inclined.”
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