An hour later, when she left, they were engaged. But then he was alone once more, and gradually he came to his senses. What had he done? He wandered through the public gardens; the beautiful evening had misted over and it was raining. He went back to his rooms. He imagined his flat on the Boulevard Malesherbes with a woman whom it would be impossible to get rid of in the evenings. There would be a woman at mealtimes, always. A woman in his bed, whether he wanted her there or not. When he bolted his bedroom door, as he did every night, he was struck by the thought that a wife could perceive this simple act as unusual and almost insulting. He would never be on his own. He was still young and might one day be persuaded to have a child. Then anything would be possible: a wife, children, a family.
“Ridiculous,” he said out loud, “ridiculous.”
He fell into an armchair, closed his eyes while he collected his thoughts, and then reached a decision: “Impossible.”
With one bound, he was on his feet. Never had he moved so fast. He dragged his suitcase into the middle of the room and started to pack. The next day, he fled. It was strange. He forgot the episode at once. For the next ten years no thought of Lucie Maillard ever returned to haunt him. Even so, in 1925 he heard about her marriage and, three years later, her death. He had learned about both events through the doctor: the first left him indifferent and the second aroused only a brief feeling of compassion. But recently he had begun to dream about her, and as he got older he did so more and more often. Yet, thank God, dreams vanish quickly, and these left just a faint feeling of unease, like a distant migraine, which went away as soon as he had sipped a few mouthfuls of his weak morning tea.
Then it was 1939 and Monsieur Rose stopped having dreams. In fact, he slept less and less. How difficult it was, in this shifting, unstable world, to steer a course with certainty, as one used to do. Monsieur Rose foresaw disasters ahead. He regretted them very much, but as he could neither avoid them himself, nor help anyone else to do so, there was only one rational response: his only concern was for himself, for his own well-being and his own fortune.
He would not have admitted this to anyone; the feeling remained, unformulated and troubling, deep down in his heart. Monsieur Rose was not in any way a cynic. Along with everyone else, he talked about necessity and paid homage to the nobility of sacrifice; he was happy to talk, forcefully, about the citizen’s obligations and rights, but in his mind there was an essential difference between himself and other people: he left the obligations to them, keeping only the rights for himself. It was a natural reaction for him, almost an instinctive one. He could not help but relate everything he saw, heard, or read to himself; he saw the world through the prism of his own preoccupations. As these depended on the fate of the world, this was hugely important to him. Thus his conscience was clear. He was able to convince himself with no difficulty that it was Europe’s destiny that was preventing him from sleeping, and that by abandoning his peace of mind in this way he was sacrificing what he held most dear. What more could he do? He was no longer young and had no children. In any case, he was overburdened with taxes. That was enough.
One day he decided he must rescue as much as he possibly could.
How could he protect his money? Neither England nor America was, in his view, a safe haven. He deliberated for a long time, using all his experience, caution, and skill to make a careful comparison of every country in Europe, as well as in the rest of the world. None of them seemed to be well enough defended or secure enough to act as his strong room. Finally he chose Norway, where he had financial interests.
At the outbreak of war he was at home in Normandy. He drank fresh milk and tended his roses. When he reappeared in Paris in November he was able to smile at some of the stories he was told about other people who had left.
“Really, my dear fellow, you sent your wife off to the Hérault? What a strange idea!”
“So what did you do?”
“Oh, I just prolonged my holiday. September was so beautiful! I have to tell you that I feel perfectly calm, perfectly indifferent to whatever happens to me. An old bachelor like myself …”
Absentmindedly he picked up a paper bag tied with gilt thread that had been left on the table, took a sugared almond from it and, chewing thoughtfully, went on: “I’m no use to anyone, not even myself. Sometimes I feel I’ve had enough. Now I’ve seen two wars. This violent and bloody world disgusts me.”
And so the winter passed. It was now springtime and Paris had never looked so lovely. There was something melancholy, tender, and luminous about the atmosphere—such a rare and precious beauty that, in spite of himself, Monsieur Rose kept putting off the day of his departure.
He had, in fact, made very specific plans: he would spend this summer of 1940 quietly in Normandy. Then he would take a short trip to England. He had been feeling weary and overwrought for some time; the fighting in Norway had hit him hard. He hoped, indeed was fairly sure, that all was not lost. Nevertheless … Yet he had behaved reasonably, with thought, logic, and caution. But reason and caution were gradually losing their hold and their traditional value. As they came into contact with this insane world, they were overturned and came adrift—just as scientific instruments go off course in extreme atmospheric conditions.
Happily, Monsieur Rose’s fortune had been only diminished by the disaster in Norway; it had not disappeared altogether. And he still had his house in Normandy, his china, his pictures, his valuables, and his gold. Nevertheless, he felt angry and bitter, rather like a betrayed lover. Feeling as he did, he dreaded the solitude of the countryside. This splendid Parisian spring suited him better.
It took the night of the tenth of June finally to make him leave. He had slept badly; the sirens had woken him twice and, although he had not gotten out of bed, his sleep had been shattered by their wailing, by the sound of his neighbors hurrying downstairs, and by antiaircraft fire nearby. At dawn he fell deeply asleep and dreamed that he was looking for something, he knew not what, in a strange house, where the doors banged and there were wisps of straw and scraps of wrapping paper all over the floor; someone outside the room shouted at him to hurry up, while he searched desperately for a very dear and precious object or person that he could not find; but he had to leave, and in his dream he was weeping. He was in such anguish that when he woke up his heart was beating furiously. When he discovered what had happened in the night he became very thoughtful. It was time to leave.
THINGS WERE NO BETTER in Normandy. It was ridiculous, he knew. What danger threatened him in this peaceful countryside? In any case, it was not anxiety he felt but a kind of sadness. He felt old, far older than his years. He was out of place in this world. He was a survivor, in fact, of a species that had almost disappeared; his habits and his tastes were leftovers from another era. Something else was needed, he did not know what—youth perhaps? But he was no longer young. He had never been young.
And so he waited.
He did not have to wait long. With one bound the war pounced on Monsieur Rose’s peaceful retreat, like a wild animal bursting from its lair. Once more he had to leave. All his silver, books, valuables, and gold, which he had taken such trouble to arrange so carefully, to hang, label, or lock away, were now in chaos: some were buried in the garden, and the rest piled into the car when Monsieur Rose finally decided to go.
“We should have left yesterday,” said Robert, the chauffeur.
Monsieur Rose had employed him only since the outbreak of war as a replacement for the previous one, who had been called up. He was a short, ginger-haired, puny man who was exempt from military service. He drove well and did not seem to be dishonest. But Monsieur Rose could barely tolerate him and did so only because he couldn’t find anyone else. He spoke with a working-class Parisian accent and was offhand, if not insolent, in his manner. Monsieur Rose liked him less and less. He grumbled, shrugged his shoulders, and was almost rude when spoken to.
They drove all day. When evening came Monsieur Rose was hungry. He was surprised that, in the midst o
f such a disaster, he could feel such normal, healthy emotions.
“Stop as soon as you see a village,” he said to the chauffeur.
He could see only the back of Robert’s neck, the ginger hair under the blue cap.
Robert said nothing, but his big red ears quivered; his back seemed to hunch and the back of his neck to crease; impossible to know how he did it, but seen from behind, and without saying a word, he managed to express so much disapproval, such sarcasm, that Monsieur Rose went purple with anger and shouted, “Stop at once!”
“Here?”
“Yes, here. I’m hungry.”
“And what is Monsieur going to eat? I can’t see a restaurant.”
“I can see a farm. At times like these,” Monsieur Rose said sadly and severely, “one shouldn’t make difficulties.”
“It’s not difficult to stop,” Robert said with a smirk (the car had been stuck for an hour in an unimaginably bad traffic jam). “The problem will be to get going again.”
“Do what I tell you,” Monsieur Rose replied. “Get out of the car and run to that house. Buy whatever you can, bread, ham, fruit … oh yes, and a bottle of mineral water; I’m dying of thirst!”
“So am I,” said Robert. Pulling his cap down over his eyes, he climbed out of the car.
“Well,” thought Monsieur Rose, “I’ll get even with him tomorrow.”
Tomorrow … where would he be tomorrow? He knew there was an airfield not far away, and an army camp a bit farther on. Even farther away there were railway lines, bridges, and large factories. It would soon be dark. Every section of the road hid dangers. He had heard that Rouen was burning. What would have happened to his house? He had left it only that morning and was still quite close to it, yet perhaps it was now nothing more than ashes? Strangely, however, as the hours went by he thought less and less about what he had left behind. If he had lost everything, so be it! He still had his life. His life would be saved. At times like this the future shrinks with dizzying speed. He no longer thought about next year or next month but only about today, tonight, the next hour. He looked for nothing beyond that. He was hungry and thirsty; all he wanted was a bit of bread and a glass of water. To think that it had not occurred to him to bring any provisions! He had thought of everything else. He had locked up the house; filed away letters and business documents; remembered his dress clothes, razors, and stiff collars; but he had nothing to eat. Robert wasn’t coming back. And the house looked uninhabited. Had they all fled?
Robert appeared and said simply, “There’s nobody there. No one’s answering the door.”
“We’ll try a bit further on, as soon as we see a house.”
For a long time they were forced to wait where they were. At last the line of cars began to move. Monsieur Rose tapped on the window. “Here, I can see a light.”
Robert got out of the car. Monsieur Rose drummed the “March of the Little Wooden Soldiers” on his knee. The minutes passed. Robert came back empty-handed.
“There’s nothing.”
“What do you mean, nothing? There are people living there.”
“They’re packing.”
“But they must have a bit of bread left, or cheese, or pâté, at least something to eat?”
“Nothing,” said Robert again. “Monsieur must realize, with all the traffic there is on this road … we’ll get nothing to eat until tomorrow … or next week. If Monsieur doesn’t believe me, he can go and look for himself.”
Monsieur Rose was already getting out of the car.
“I certainly will. You’re too tactless, my boy. I’m sure you talked to them rudely and disagreeably—as you so often do. People aren’t savages, for God’s sake! You don’t refuse to give a bit of bread to your neighbor and anyway,” he finished angrily, “I’m not asking for charity!”
He made his way with difficulty through the cars trapped bumper to bumper. Their headlights were off; people’s heads were tilted back, as their eyes anxiously followed a shadow flitting from one star to another. Was it a cloud or an enemy plane?
He thought he could hear the noise of an engine, but it was just the constant, muffled sound of the crowd, which was rising into the sky: footsteps, voices, bicycles being wheeled over stones on the road, the stifled, gasping breaths of thousands of people, and the occasional cries of children. Monsieur Rose walked away from this with a feeling of relief, as if waking from a nightmare. It seemed to him that he had been miraculously transported back several centuries and that he had become part of one of the great human migrations of the past; he felt horror-struck and ashamed. Rather more quickly than he would normally have done, he walked up the path to the farm. Robert had not been lying. In the main room he saw two women weeping as they threw household linen into an unfolded blanket. An old woman stood at the door, ready to flee, two children in her arms and two more clinging to her skirt. The kitchen cupboard was open and empty.
“There’s nothing, monsieur, I’m sorry. We have nothing left. Look, we only have a little dry sausage left for ourselves, and some milk for the children. That’s all. We’re leaving now.”
Monsieur Rose apologized and retraced his steps.
“I’m going to have trouble finding Robert,” he thought, as from the top of the slope, he watched the black stream winding slowly on.
All the cars looked the same with their mattresses fixed to the roof. His car had probably moved on a bit. He could no longer tell which was his. He walked on and called out, “Robert! Robert!”
At first his voice was strong and forceful, then it became anxious, then frightened, then shaky and pleading. No one replied. Robert had abandoned him; he had gone with the car, the trunks, the silver, and the clothes.
“Bastard! Thief!” howled Monsieur Rose, losing his head.
He ran, stumbling along the top of the bank, looking for he knew not what—an inspector, a local policeman, someone he could complain to, who would protect him. But there was no one. Everyone was fleeing and no one was interested in him.
Finally, out of breath, Monsieur Rose collapsed onto the grass. As he clutched his chest, his hand touched his wallet and he felt calmer. It was as if he had rediscovered solid ground: he felt anchored and strong, ready to take his place in the world again.
“This has simply been a difficult night to get through. I’ll report Robert first thing in the morning and he’ll be locked up. There’s no question of him getting across the border. And if he stays in France, I’ll be able to find him.”
All he had to do now was to get to a town or a village. But how? Everywhere he looked the road was packed with cars, trucks, three-wheelers, motor bicycles with sidecars, and carts, all inching slowly forward; the parcels, boxes, prams, and bicycles piled on top of them looked like rickety scaffolding towers. There was nowhere to sit, nothing to hold on to. No. There was no room for Monsieur Rose! And the crowd of pedestrians was already sweeping him along.
“Well then, dammit, I’ll walk!” he said out loud.
“Has your car been pinched, monsieur?” asked a young man walking beside him. “It’s my bike that’s gone.”
At first Monsieur Rose did not answer. Normally he did not talk to strangers. He looked at the young man, who must have been sixteen or seventeen but was so well-built, sturdy, and tall that Monsieur Rose thought to himself, “He could be useful.”
Was this a throwback to former times, when the only things that mattered were strong muscles and hard fists? The young man could, after all, help Monsieur Rose as they walked; he could find him something to eat, or somewhere to stay.
Monsieur Rose said, eventually, “Yes, my driver thought it a good joke to abandon me. But what about you?”
“Oh, someone asked me to lend a hand repairing a flat tire. I left my bike in a ditch and when I went back it was gone. Luckily I’ve got a good pair of legs.”
“Yes, that is lucky. Have you come a long way?”
“From my school, fifty kilometers away. We were all sent home. I was supposed to go wit
h one of the teachers. But in the end it was such chaos that I never found him. We were bombed, so I left.”
“What about your family?”
“They’re in the country, near Tours.”
“Are you planning to join them?”
“In theory, yes … I set off hoping to do so, but I have to tell you, monsieur, that I’ve changed my mind now. I’m seventeen. I could serve my country. As I said to my father at the beginning of the war, now people must make a choice between leading a heroic life or an easy one.”
“That choice has already been made for me,” muttered Monsieur Rose bitterly, as he stumbled over the stones in the road.
The young man smiled.
“Of course, at your age, monsieur, it’s hard. But I thought I’d join up. I know there’s a camp near Orléans. I’ll enlist; every man ought to fight.”
“What’s your name, young man?” asked Monsieur Rose.
“Marc. Marc Beaumont.”
“Do you live in Paris?”
“Yes, monsieur.”
They went on in silence for a while. They walked for hour after hour. It seemed impossible for the crowd to get any bigger, but from every track and every crossroads shadows appeared, joining the first wave of refugees and walking beside them in silence. People did not talk much; no one complained, no one cried or shouted; everyone instinctively saved their breath for walking. Monsieur Rose’s painful feet could hardly carry him.
“Lean on me, monsieur, don’t worry, I’m strong,” the boy said. “You’ve had enough.”
“I need to rest …”
“If you’d like to …”
They tumbled into a ditch and instantly the young man fell asleep. But Monsieur Rose was at an age when exhaustion overstimulates the mind and drives sleep away. He lay quite still, occasionally covering his eyes with his hands.
“What a nightmare,” he said mechanically. “What a nightmare …”
THE JUNE NIGHT was soon over. In the morning they set off again. There was no food to be had, and nowhere to stay. People slept in the fields, by the side of the road, or in the woods. After forty-eight hours, with his grimy shirt, crumpled suit, and dusty shoes, Monsieur Rose—who had not washed or shaved for two days—looked like a tramp.
Dimanche and Other Stories Page 17