by Hazel Keys
Of course, I can’t help but wonder if maybe somewhere, whether on the tip of her tongue or in the back of her subconscious, maybe she’s feeling me out. To see if I’m interested? I know she’s protecting herself, which is why she kept throwing her mother in there as a shield from sounding too personal.
But I still wonder if now is the right timing. Not only is this bad timing with Crystal, but if she’s rebounding from a relationship, it’s the worst timing for Amelia too. I can’t seriously do anything, can I? How can I risk a good relationship with Crystal with just a possibility?
I don’t know…maybe this is just a fantasy. A vivid dream that I can’t seem to wake up from. I just wish…I wish I knew what Amelia was thinking.
Chapter 2:Amelia
I never understood my grandmother when she said love is like “blazing hot coals”. I always thought love was heroic, tragic and beautiful. But there’s a dark side to it, one that burns and that destroys everything we hold precious.
I should have paid more attention to all those times I helped grandma put grocery produce away. Love is a living thing, an organism that has an end date. It expires when it’s not protected, it exists only to provide nourishment to our lives.
I’m tired of saying “I love you, I trust you.” Tired of playing the same game that ends the same way every time. Broken relationships, false promises, mistakes. And we have no choice but to let it go—give away little pieces of our heart.
And then there’s someone like David. David, my silly childhood friend who has been there for me through thick and thin. Oh God, if only I could meet a man with David’s compassion, his ethics, his gentle soul. Maybe that’s what every woman wants—a tall, fair and handsome stranger that just happens to want to be friends.
David and I grew up together. We knew each other as children. I think when you grow up with someone, maybe you take for granted their good qualities. Looking back now, in my thirties, I always knew that his “type” would be the type I eventually would want to fall in love with. Caring, unpretentious and yes, a little bit of a wise guy.
But with David, it never felt like anything romantic. It just felt like we were friends. He wasn’t the romantic hero type growing up. He always could make me laugh but I guess when I was younger I didn’t want someone to make me laugh, or make me think. I wanted to feel something. And I got what I wished for, boy did I ever!
And David, David you jackass! Don’t try to tell me you never thought about it! I know for a fact you thought about it because I saw that look on your face that one time, I saw it! And if you ever play dumb with me, I will tell you to your face that I saw it and that you made that face. You know. You know you did!
Oh well, but why get upset about something you can’t change?
I moved on. David moved on. Last I heard he is getting married to some cheerleader. Good for him. The truth is, I never really imagined myself with David. I think we were both just too protective of our friendship to risk complicating it with a hypothetical romance. It’s too iffy, it’s too dangerous. I mean, people lose friendships—they lose everything they are when they try to cross that bridge. And sometimes there’s just nothing there.
My God, we’ve been through so much together. I just think he and I treasure our memories too much to screw them up with a half-hearted romance. And Crystal, what would that do to Crystal?
Oh it’s all silly talk anyway. The truth is, I really just need to talk to David again, as a friend. Mother does so enjoy his company and I have come to enjoy seeing him as well. It makes me feel like we’re teenagers again, just ageless, timeless. God, I don’t want to sacrifice THAT for something quick and cheap. David understands. More than anyone, he understands.
I think maturity is about that, making peace with the things that you will never have in life. We come to appreciate the little things that we have, like friendship, without the obsession to turn it into a hot romance.
I am tired of romance. I am hungry for friendship. And I know David is strong enough to feel the same way.
Chapter 3:David
I managed to put aching questions of my future out of my mind when I went to visit Jake. Jake, a long time friend and for all practical purposes, a body double of Collin Farrell—and a much better man with the ladies, I confess—was drinking on Saturday as always when I showed up with free beer. Free beer of course is the secret password for a stag night.
“David!” he bellowed, taking the free beer and welcoming me to his couch. “How are you, man? It’s been a while. I haven’t seen you since you got engaged.”
“Has it been that long?” I asked, relaxing on the couch and instantly laughing my pressures away. Jake’s laidback attitude to life always helped perk me up through the years.
“Yeah, Crystal’s got you on a short leash, man.”
“Nah, I’ve just been busy.”
“You still selling those vitamins?”
“Yeah. I got three new accounts this week, one of which is a major NFL football coach.”
“Awesome. Can I guess which one?”
“I can’t say, but you could probably guess which one. They’ve had a series of bad seasons over the last several years.”
“Say no more. Put me down for a shipment, will you? Need some Calcium, Vitamin D, Ginkgo biloba and Chocolate Thai.”
“Funny!” I said with a smirk. “I only sell legal vitamins, bruhhh!”
“So you’re really getting married, huh?” Jake asked, flipping on the TV and leaving it on a football game, Dallas versus Miami. “I got to be honest. I never pictured you as the marrying type.”
“Really? Why? You were always the perennial bachelor, not me.”
“Yeah well…Crystal, like okay…Crystal is great and all, don’t get me wrong. Don’t misunderstand this. She’s like really hot, actually. Totally out of your league.”
“I know,” I said with a smile. “She’s amazingly beautiful.”
“But I always pictured you with someone more…intellectual, I guess.”
“Owch…owch!”
“Yeah, that came out wrong. I take it back.”
“Damn, Crystal would kick your ass if she heard that.”
“I know, I know, I didn’t mean it that way. I meant more like…”
“I mean, Crystal went to college. The cheerleading thing is temporary, you know. She’s studying physics, she studies mathematics in her spare time…”
“I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant.”
“Well, it sounds like you were saying…”
“Look here’s what I MEANT. Okay, I’m just going to say it because what I said sounds so much worse. I meant, I always figured you’d marry someone…like Amelia.”
“What?”
“Well yeah, you know, a girl down to earth. Someone…down there on your physical level…boy, I better stop talking. I keep making it sound much worse.”
I laughed. “I don’t care, I’m just curious…why Amelia?” My heart was racing at the thought. No matter how I tried to grow up and put silly schoolgirl crushes out of my head, I always felt that flutter in my stomach when Amelia’s name came up. I felt the instinct to deny everything.
“I don’t know. The way you talked about her. The gleam in your eye. I figured you wanted someone to be friends with. Not some movie star or cheerleader…I mean any guy can get that. Girls that are all about looks are easy. That’s all I’m saying. I know, I’m making it sound much worse. Let’s just watch the game, shall we?”
Jake’s comment, while off the cuff, struck me as profound. I always imagined Crystal as the top of the mountain, someone that a guy like me had to try really hard to win. She was the cheerleader, physically perfect beauty that only rich and powerful men could get. The rest of my life would be devoted to keeping her satisfied, the goddess, thegreat beauty among all other women. So when Jake implied that she was beneath me somehow, it took me a while to get my head around the idea.
“Well…” I said cautiously. “We don’t really fall i
n love with our friends.” By now I was lying. I felt guilty about my amorous feelings for Amelia and now wanted to hide them at all costs. It was like I was back in school again and blushing because of someone’s taunting me, “David and Amelia sitting on a tree…”
But Jake wasn’t taunting me…he was just stating an observation. I couldn’t really take offense to someone speaking the uncomfortable truth.
“No, most guys don’t fall in love with their friends,” Jake said. “But you, I kinda figured you would. You seemed like the kind of guy who would marry his high school sweetheart. Now see, someone like me? I don’t want to marry my best friend. It’s too weird for me. But you, David, you’re a weird guy.”
I laughed. “All right Jake, that’s enough pep talk for a while.”
“No seriously, here’s what you do.”
“Do what about what?”
“Just hear me out. Okay, my gut tells me that you still have feelings for Amelia.”
I took a gulp and shook my head. I was definitely not fooling Jake.
“So here’s what you do. Go sleep with Amelia and then decide if you still like Crystal or if there’s some much greener grass waiting for you on the other side.”
“What? That’s terrible advice! I’m not going to have a one night stand with Amelia and risk losing our friendship.”
“Hmmm,” Jake said with a grin. “Interesting that your first instinct was to avoid hurting Amelia and not Crystal.”
“Well, both.”
“Right but you thought of one before the other.”
I opened my mouth, losing my thought in mid-sentence.
Damn he was right. I fought off my blush, which gave me away and made up some bullshit excuse about how that wasn’t true. But damn it, it was true.
Even if I wasn’t going to cheat, my mind was still putting more value on Amelia’s friendship than Crystal’s heart. What could that mean?
Was it possible that I loved Amelia more than Crystal? Or was Amelia just more important to me than my future wife? This didn’t feel right, any of it. I had to fix this. I had to do the right thing.
And the right thing was, is, and has always been…
Get over Amelia and marry the girl who loves you.
Chapter 4: Amelia
“Amelia, dear, hand me that box,” mother said to me, pointing out the Earl Grey tea inside the cupboard.
She always enjoys it in the afternoon, decaffeinated of course, since she doesn’t like to get riled up at night. Now in her fifties, she still moves with the same spunk that she had thirty years ago. The difference now is that she talks like a woman who is content with life…not expecting anything, or wishing for anything that can’t come true. Her voice is graceful, a little overbearing, as always, and always with a sophisticated way of speaking. I can only wonder if I’ll sound the same in another twenty years—having loved, lost and found redemption in this crazy game called life.
“Thank you,” she said, taking a few bags out and creating the perfect cup of tea. Always dark and bitter, no sugar or cream, just like life! Mother always was austere, even when she was younger.
I went over to her house to help her move some furniture and we decided to make some tea. While chilling out on the couch, she carefully ventured into the territory that mothers always love to encroach upon.
“How’s work? Are you still doing the jewelry making?”
“Ring-designing. I’m trying. I have a few orders already. Getting some new ideas for winter.”
“Well, you can’t live on your father’s inheritance forever. It’s time to start thinking about the future.”
“I make more money at ring-making than you think mother,” I remind her with a squint of my eyes. She can’t help but be a little patronizing, even if every word comes out battered in love.
“And are you still single?”
I sighed. “Yes mother, I haven’t jumped into another bad romance, if that’s what you’re implying. I thought you’d be relieved.”
“Well, of course I’m not relieved. Taking time to yourself can quickly become a lifetime of loneliness. Forgive me for looking out for the future.”
“Nobody knows the future…we live day by day. That’s what I’m doing now.”
Mother sighed. “Amelia, I will not have you become a spinster. You’re still in the prime of your life. Haven’t you heard that thirty is the new twenty?”
“Everybody says that, mother!” I replied, holding my head in frustration. “Actually, I think it’s forty is the new fifty, or fifty is the new sixty.”
“Well, when you’re forty it IS too late.”
I laughed but mother just stared at me, totally without irony. “I’m merely trying to remind you to keep your options open. Have you had any interest from the boys?”
“No, not really,” I finally confessed.
“Who’s the ‘Not Really’?”
“It’s just an expression.”
“No, Not Really means there’s something and I want to know who he is.”
“He’s nobody. Say, did I tell you that I got David to come help us this weekend, with the shrubs and branches?”
“That will be fine,” she replied, but not before a long and thinking silence. “It’s not David, is it?”
“What?” I laughed heartily. “No, mother, he’s already engaged to be married.”
“Hmmm,” she said with a frumpy look. “He always liked you, you know.”
“And I liked him.”
“I’m not talking about that way. I mean he liked you. He fancied you.”
“No? What? David?” I shook my head and giggled, a bit nervously, since this was a very taboo conversation, given mother’s views on cheating.
“Well sometimes a woman can tell. Didn’t you ever notice how often he sought out our company?”
“Well, no, not really. I mean…I don’t know. All I know is, he’s engaged. Maybe a long time ago, there could have been something…but nothing ever became of it, so there’s no point in discussing the past. I treasure our friendship.”
“Well then. Good. Now get to meeting some suitors. I want grandchildren before I die.”
“You’re so subtle, mother,” I said with a smirk. “Very indirect, but I think I understand what you’re saying.”
“There’s nothing direct or indirect about it. Women in their forties have a higher risk of having deformed children.”
“Mother that is not true!” I said with a shake of my head. “Anyway…if all I can find out there is a man less than David, then it’s not really worth looking, now is it?”
“You speak of David as if he’s a paragon of manhood.”
I smiled and she definitely noticed. “I’m not in love with him, I’m just saying, I wouldn’t settle for anything less than him. I want something better than him.”
“Well I always thought highly of David,” mother said proudly. “I always thought you two might grow to like each other.”
“Well we did and we do.”
Mother began the “stare”, an eyes forward, peering into my soul sort of look that always provokes discussion. She was dueling me, wanting to know if I was holding anything back.
“I love David,” I said, correcting myself. “But we haven’t known each other as…you know, that. Even if I did want that…”
I looked at her but her expression never changed.
“I couldn’t do that to Crystal. It’s cruel. Isn’t it?”
“I don’t think anyone could tell you what to do, it’s your decision. And one that you will have to live with, whether you tell him or not.”
“What does that mean, mother? I’m trying to decipher your hidden message here.”
“He’s not married yet. This is your last chance before he is married. And if a man is married, he will never fully give his attention to you.”
“I know, I’m not a home wrecker.”
“Let me tell you one thing,” mother said strongly.
“Oh boy, here we go.”
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“Sometimes the best men you can find are not aggressive and don’t just want to charm you and take you to bed.”
I looked at her in confusion. “Say what? I think I need more of the ‘I want grandchildren’ bluntness to figure out all your code talk, mother.”
“There’s no code talk, big meanie,” she retorted. “I’m saying maybe David is shy and doesn’t just want to come right out and say that he’s interested in you.”
Finally I laughed hard. That’s a big laugh, especially if you know David like I’ve always known David. “That’s where you’re wrong, mother,” I said politely. “David has never had a problem asking girls out or ‘paying attention to pretty girls.’ So he’s just not into it. And frankly, neither am I. The last thing a woman wants to feel is that she has to badger a man into dating her.”
“Well it worked with your father,” she snapped back. “I badgered him good and he came around.”
I laughed so hard I almost spilled my tea.
Chapter 5:David
There is something holy about gardening. I don’t really know what I believe about the universe, but there is something very spiritual about growing life from the earth. It’s an activity that rejuvenates the soul and strips away the triviality of our finances, our worst fears, and even our out-of-reach dreams. This is life, this is really as good as it gets. Growing food, creating flowerbeds, and watching trees bear fruit before your very eyes—it’s magical.
I understand instantly why Naomi, Amelia’s mother, and Amelia herself have taken to their gardening. It may not be a career but it’s a nourishing hobby, maybe even therapeutic.
Of course, I was the one they asked to help clean up the yard. Naomi is getting older and struggles with medical problems, so she can’t do a lot of physical labor, like chopping down crooked trees, mowing out of control and taking shrubbery and dumping it down into the forest pit.