by Hazel Keys
“Amelia…can you drive me home?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake!”
“Sorry. I don’t really want to get busted for DUI. I guess I wasn’t expecting to get this drunk. I know…I’m stupid.”
“You are stupid!”
“I know. I’m really stupid.”
“You are like, the dumbest guy on earth!”
“Really? The whole planet earth? Like even in Antarctica and across the ocean?”
“Yes. Even the islands that haven’t been discovered yet. Even the vanishing Bermuda Triangle. Hell, probably the moon too.”
“I’m the dumbest guy on the earth or the moon? All right, go me!” he said with a drunken giggle. “I love being the first or the last, never in between.”
I sighed. I fought a smile from my face because I didn’t want to give him the benefit of a laugh. He was really asking for a slap in the face.
But dammit, he WAS my friend and a friend always drives another drunken fool of a friend home. I guess that’s always part of the friendship contract.
But boy, was he going to hear it from me!
“All joking aside, you shouldn’t be drinking like that,” I said, lecturing his drunken ass as I drove him home in my car. “What if you slept with someone else? What if you got into a bar fight or something?”
“I thought I did the responsible thing, I called a friend. At least I didn’t drive home.”
“No, David, you didn’t, because you’re a decent person and not a total jerk.”
“Yeah well…apparently I am more of a jerk than I thought I was.”
“And why do you say that?”
“Well Crystal. I mean I told her some things and she freaked out. She said I better go and think about things.”
“Yeah you should! And did you?”
“Well to me, thinking about things means drinking.”
“Uhh!” I yanked on the steering wheel, seeing red and just moments away from slapping David good.
“ Enough with the jokes, David.”
“Oh come on, Amelia!” he said, finally losing all filtering and just unloading on me with a rant I didn’t ask for. “Why are you acting all weird now? You want to be a friend then be my friend! This is the same talk I would have with my friend, my bro, my stag. I mean…you ARE my friend, aren’t you?”
“Yes I am your friend and I have a right to tell you when you’re doing something stupid.”
“No you don’t,” he responded with a rude voice. “You have a right to listen. God, Amelia, how long has it been? Twenty years? Do you remember how we used to talk? We kept it raw, real, unfiltered. You were a friend not a nag. If I wanted this shit I could have gone home to my girlfriend.”
“You mean your fiancée?”
“Yeah my fiancée who’s so happy to have me, and so happy to be marrying me. Obviously, I mean calling me names is the foundation of a good marriage.”
“Well if you don’t like her, for god’s sakes get out of it! I don’t know what else to tell you!”
“I like Crystal. I do. I think the world of her. But if I’m being honest with myself and her—which she hardly lets me do—then I have to admit…”
He shook his head repeatedly, trying to admit the truth to himself. “I’m not in love with her. And isn’t that the cruelest thing a guy can do, is marry someone and not be in love?”
“Yes it is…” I said, without giving much thought to the follow up.
“And maybe, I don’t know, if I never knew you, Amelia, then I could have married Crystal. Because I would think she’s the best available choice and it’s a good life. But then I would be lying to myself every day for the rest of my life.”
He leaned closer to me and looked me in the fact—I could barely keep my hands on the wheel! I kept turning to him and then back to the road.
“Here’s the truth, Amelia. I think you’re acting weird for the same reason I’m acting weird. We’re not friends anymore because we feel something for each other. And I don’t mind being the first to say it this time, because I regret not telling you all those years ago.”
“Telling me what?! David?”
“I’m in love with you.”
“NO you’re not.”
“I’m always been in love with you. Since the time we were children. Twenty years ago, ten years ago. I’ve been in love with you. And it wasn’t because I was afraid to say it. It was because I respected you, god damn it. All your boyfriends…I was doing the right thing.”
“Yeah and-”
“And I’m sick of doing the right thing. You’re not seeing anybody right now. I’ve already screwed my relationship with Crystal up, I have nothing to lose. I love you and I think I want to be with you.”
“No, here’s what’s happening. You are panicking and you’re drunk and you just need to cool it. You’re going to marry Crystal.”
“I don’t want to marry Crystal. Okay, it’s like with my job, right? I know what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. I don’t feel that way with Crystal.”
“And guess what?” I said, slowing the car down and pulling into David’s drive way. “You would feel the same way about me. Don’t deny it! Midlife crisis is not romantic, you know. It just makes you look foolish.”
“Uhh, always so classy, Amelia.”
“No, not classy,” she said with a squint. “Just trying to help you, my friend, my best friend. I want you to make the right choice.”
“Come inside. I want to talk.”
“You are not even talking, you’re spewing all kinds of garble that makes no sense!”
“Fine, then come in and convince me. I’ll eat something, we’ll talk. Like old times.”
I sighed and folded my arms, parking the car.
“Geez, Amelia,” he said with a grin. “When you were thirteen years old you woulda’ said yes in a heartbeat. Now look at us. All this weird sexual tension.”
“There is no sexual tension,” I said spitefully.
“So then convince me to stay with Crystal. Talk to me. Be a friend! I just don’t want to be alone with my thoughts.”
“Why?”
“That’s interesting, isn’t it? Come inside and find out the answer!” He winked and smiled.
I shook my head in frustration. I was getting majorly pissed, and I really felt that maybe our friendship was ending. He was just not the person I grew up with anymore. He was being an ass and it was beyond the terms of our friendship.
I don’t need to babysit a grown man. We have nothing to say to each other, David!
Well, after cooling off for an hour and after David ate something we finally got around to talking like adults—like friends, like normal people. We both sat on his couch and finally reached a place of comfort again.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” I said, sipping some wine. David had been ranting for a while now, though after some snacks he was at least making some sense.
“I regret what happened with Crystal. I wish there were a nice way a guy could tell a woman, I don’t want to marry you. No matter what happens, she’s always going to think he’s an insensitive dickhead.”
“Well yeah because what if a woman treated you that way?”
“I would say, baby, go. If I make you miserable, if you think you’ll be happier with someone else then just fucking go. Don’t stay married to someone you sort of love…”
“Yeah but-”
“I mean hell, that’s what I had to say to you all those years ago, right?”
I stared into his eyes, speechless.
“I was in love with you. You knew it. But you chose someone else. So I did the right thing. I let you go. I wished you well. I wasn’t bitter about it, I just took it like an adult. Sometimes it hurts, but that’s what just life is sometimes.”
“You know what? This isn’t funny anymore.”
“Well now I’m doing what feels right.”
“This isn’t right.”
“No, this isn’t. It’s terrible. Hor
rible. Cruel and completely inappropriate.”
And just like that, like THAT, the dummy reached out and kissed me.
I was caught off guard. It felt surreal. Such a good hot kiss and so unapologetic—like he had been waiting for years to do it. He was a really good kisser, even though I did not kiss him back for at least…six seconds. I admit, I wanted to just do nothing and scare him away…but his lips were so good, his grip was so good, and his desire was just glowing.
I figured I might as well kiss him back, just to entertain him, just to let his curiosity down easily.
But I was stunned to find out that I really wanted him. It had been so long since a man kissed me that way, so long since I felt a firm embrace around my body, pulling me in—desiring me. It felt wrong, it felt greedy and almost sinful. Like I was taking advantage of someone or lusting after them.
Oh God and the way he touched my neck when he kissed me, so starved for my attention, so eager to please—so raw with his emotion. After a few moments, I simply had to stop thinking. It was time to stop rationalizing, time to stop reminding myself what the right thing to do was.
It was just time to feel. I kissed him back and this time we went back and forth until I was breathless. Seconds turned into minutes…full minutes of kissing, making sweet love with our lips.
What are we doing?
That had to be the thought in both of our minds at that moment. I closed my eyes for the first few minutes…when I opened him, he had the most confident eyes I’ve ever seen, even compared to my other boyfriends. I looked shy—I was shy. But he was on fire. He looked at me, into my soul, and kissed me again. His eyes locked with mine and we felt something—something new. Something dangerous.
I didn’t know who he was at that moment. Where was I? What were we now?
Just as I was starting to ask all these questions, our tongues began to touch. Without thinking, I gave him my tongue and took his into my mouth.
Now was usually the part where I giggled when I was being intimate with my date. But this time, it was so intense. It was wrong. It was a risk. Everything was out of place and nothing was predictable anymore, ever again.
Our tongues touched each other and our kisses grew hotter. I almost gasped, embarrassingly loud, when David began lowering his kisses and gently lip-caressing my neck. I had to stifle my excitement, not wanting to be so…over the top! But I felt passion and was ashamed. I didn’t want to have to explain this, defend this…
I groaned aloud, this time quietly, when he began kissing my shoulders. I felt a flutter in my stomach, an almost sickly urge that came from nerves. I was excited but trying in vain to resist.
I wanted to say something—anything. Maybe even a firm NO, like I should have done minutes ago. But all I could say was…
“Aaaahhh…” a big throaty groan as he began kissing my chest, right in the sensitive spot inside my cleavage. God, I didn’t even wear anything sexy—just a black blouse I threw on but he found my breasts quickly, didn’t he? So horny for me…so bad…so unlike the man I thought I knew.
Existential questions flooded me at that moment, wondering how, why, where this was coming from?
“Oh God!” I moaned, as he began unbuttoning my blouse and serenading my skin with gentle kisses, light pecks and tingling sucks.
“I want you,” he whispered taking my blouse off and gazing at my grey bra. I threw it on, my skirt, shirt—everything! I wasn’t expecting this. I didn’t know this was a…date! I thought this was just a meeting, just a talk. And here he was, my best friend, kissing my breasts and putting his hand on me.
My chest was on fire and his hands were lingering on my side, on my shoulders, my arms—all over me where he wasn’t supposed to touch. But I couldn’t say no.
My heart was racing and my voice was cracking from excitement. I felt self-conscious, ashamed, and yet my selfish desires wanted more. Wanted him to please me…I was longing for him. I couldn’t say no.
It took everything in me to finally wake up and come to my senses. I put my shirt back on and cried, almost fighting off a pre-orgasmic shudder…
“WE HAVE TO STOP!”
He listened and backed away. I was just as guilty as he was, wanting more, letting him do obscene, terrible, and very naughty things. God, I could barely look him in the face. I was blushing and flinching. He was also shocked.
We couldn’t even think of a word to say.
“Friends?! Friends?!”
“Sorry.”
“I have to get home,” I said, quickly standing up and tucking my clothes back in. “You’re drunk!”
“Actually…I don’t feel it anymore. The alcohol wore off.”
He stared at me. I waited for another comment. He was speechless too. He wanted to say something. I wanted to say something. Nothing came out. It was this erotically charged, awkward silence where the longer we waited to say something…the less we were able to think of. All I knew is that I had to get home! Get away from him!
Before…before…
Yeah.
We didn’t really say anything after that. I saw myself out and shook my head in agony all the way home. Oh God, what I showed him. What I let him do to me. This was wrong. So wrong.
And yet…it’s all I could think about. Maybe…it was all I’ve been thinking about for a long time.
Chapter 9:David
I haven’t heard from Amelia in a while. Not since our out of nowhere make out session that felt like a hurricane…but in a very hot and humid and clothes flying off sort of way!
I won’t lie…I felt a little dirty for it, but it was the most erotic moment of my life. Undressing my friend, making out with a woman who was marked as “off limits” for so long.
And I know she wouldn’t agree, but I honestly had no idea that was going to happen. Sure, I knew I wanted to talk to her and in my imagination, I was imagining some sort of kiss or handholding. But we went from zero to sixty miles per hour in a hurry. Just thinking about the way she looked…her naturally big breasts and my lips exploring her body…and the way she breathed in little excited sighs.
It was more than I anticipated. She was everything I wanted in a woman. If there was ever any doubt in my mind, it was eradicated that night—that amazing night.
But I fear I’ve done the unthinkable. Amelia’s panic has caused her to avoid me. Maybe she feels ashamed. Or thinks I took advantage of her.
Or…I don’t know. But since she hasn’t spoken to me or returned my call, I can only assume she’s infuriated.
Probably because she liked it, but can’t admit it to herself. Could I admit it to myself? Was I ready for Amelia? Was this a childhood fantasy or was I really in love? I knew what I felt, I felt it in my mind and heart. But her doubts did challenge me. Did I ever feel like this towards Crystal and maybe the thrill just wore off?
I took the hint and decided to go away for a while. Crystal still wasn’t talking to me so I took a long drive south. I stayed in a cabin in the middle of nowhere and took my time walking through the woods, seeing the small businesses of a small town, and making small talk with people I would probably never see again.
Maybe I needed my soul repaired. Maybe I needed to repent for the way I treated Amelia. Maybe I was in the wrong.
No, I thought to myself.I’m tired of apologizing for the way I feel, for the way I always felt. I’ve never not been in love with Amelia. I’ve never grown tired of desiring her, desiring her friendship, her love, her lust, her entire being. Maybe we’re all allowed to do something selfish in our lives. Maybe one thing, and this is it. This is what I want. This is what I want most of all.
What I found out was that for every grand romantic gesture that a person feels in life, someone else has to suffer in that moment. Breaking someone’s heart never feels right, you never forget it or forgive yourself for it.
When I told Crystal what I decided, I didn’t do it for me, or to be honest or other motivation…except that I just knew she deserved better. She didn’t deserv
e to be treated this way and I had to tell her such.
“I’m sorry,” I told her over a very expensive dinner at Olive Garden. She did drink a lot of wine and ordered four dishes which she never finished—probably out of spite. Oh well. “I wish I could have seen this coming. My heart is stupid. My mind is immature. My…”
“Your dick is out of control.”
“Well that goes without saying.”
By now Crystal was over the shouting and the crying—although she made it clear she never cried over losing me, at least not where I could see her.
“You are an asshole, David Brown,” she said with a cocky attitude. “But I’ve decided to let you move on.”
“Really?”
“Yes, because I think you’re going to find that someone like Amelia is not going to make you happy. Guys like you, you think you can just find your true love every thirty seconds. You never take the time to appreciate a woman’s uniqueness.”
I wasn’t about to argue with the woman who was finally letting me go on benevolent terms and surprisingly without throwing any breadsticks, or breaking any glasses or singing to the ceiling about what a dick I was. All in all, it was a fairly quiet affair.
“I think you’re going to be sorry you lost me.”
“Jesus, Crystal,” I said, always a bit too honest. “I’m doing this because I respect you. If I were a selfish man, I would want you and her. I would be a louse, a cheat and a sneak. But I won’t do that to someone who deserves my utmost respect. I don’t regret our time together. It was everything I thought I wanted. But in the end, you just deserve better than me. And you know you do.”
“Yeah well,” she said with a cold shrug…but at least half a smile on her face. “Just so you know, I already got a few offers from some very big guys. Real athletes you know, not the ones that just sell vitamins. One’s a linebacker. The other’s a boxer. And the other…a Tantric Sex Guru.”
I laughed heartily. “That is a hard deal to pass up.”
“But okay, here’s what I have to say to you,” she said finally looking me straight in the eye and losing her stare. “I’m glad you just told me rather than made me some kind of fool. I take my wedding day very seriously.”