The Widow and the Orphan

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The Widow and the Orphan Page 10

by J. Thomas-Like


  “I am only going to say this once. You open those ears of yours and listen real hard. Got it?”

  Gabe only nodded the smallest bit.

  “You are not getting rid of me. Ever. I don’t care what you say or what you do. I am not leaving.”

  “Pepper, I–”

  “Shut the hell up!” she growled. “Before this shit, if you had ever laid a finger on me or cheated with another woman, I’d have been out of here in a hot second. Those are the only two things that could have seen the end of this relationship. But I’ll even give you a pass on those things now, because it’s quite clear you are not thinking straight.”

  Pepper’s breath was coming hot and fast, like she’d just run a mile sprint. “Are you hearing me? I don’t give a shit what you say or do, I am never going to give up on you. I will take whatever you have to dish out. I will do whatever you ask or need me to do. But you will never tell me to leave again.”

  Gabe’s entire body crumpled to the floor and he was on his knees just as she had been only minutes before. His shoulders shook with sobs and he covered his face with his hands. “I’m so sorry,” his shaky voice whispered.

  Pepper sank down and wrapped her arms around him. “I love you, you dumbass. With the intensity of a million white hot suns. Nothing you do or say will ever stop that. You can die and I won’t ever stop loving you.”

  Gabe gripped her and squeezed. Pepper had to keep from crying out because it actually hurt. But she would take the pain, physical or emotional, from him if that’s what he needed. For the first time in her life, Pepper Taylor understood what it meant to give all of herself to another human being without any thought for herself.

  Gabe grabbed the sides of her head roughly, bringing his mouth onto hers. He was devouring her in desperation and she was not used to that, but the underlying love was there. It was always there. Returning his passion, she jerked at his clothing while he yanked at hers. He’d gotten his verbal release by shouting at her and now he needed more, a physical release only she could provide.

  * * * * *

  Gabe hugged Pepper to him tightly as they lay in bed. He was deeply ashamed of himself for his earlier behavior. The things he had said to her and done weighed heavily on his heart. He had waited a very long time in his life to find the right woman and now that he had her, he’d tried to throw her away. Gabe wasn’t sure how he would be able to reconcile such ugly behavior and forgive himself.

  “Stop,” Pepper whispered.

  “What, love?” Her voice surprised him. He thought she was asleep.

  “Beating yourself up. I know you’re doing it. I can feel your shoulders tense every time you remember some stupid thing you said.”

  She really did know him. Gabe wondered for the billionth time how he had gotten so fortunate to find Pepper.

  “I’m sorry.” He was apologizing for the morning and for disturbing her peace in the moment.

  “It’s done. I don’t want to talk about it, or think about it anymore.”

  Gabe sighed and kissed the top of her head. That was easy for her to say, but he wouldn’t be able to get the sight of her devastation out of his mind for a long time. “I think I may engage a therapist.”

  Pepper didn’t respond with words, she just snuggled closer to him.

  “I think it might be wise for me to have someone unbiased on which to unleash my feelings and fury.”

  Pepper kissed his chest. “If that’s what you want and need, I’m behind you, babe. As long as you communicate with me, you do whatever you need to do.”

  “Would it bother you if it was a priest or man of God?”

  He felt her breath catch and it took a long moment for her to let it out.

  “No. It’s about whatever you feel you need, babe. It has nothing to do with me.”

  Gabe closed his eyes and felt a little of his guilt fall away. He hadn’t been to church since he was a child, but as people in cancer situations were wont to do, he was thinking very much about God and Heaven and the afterlife. To have such unconditional support and love from Pepper was exactly what he was going to need in the coming weeks and months, whether he deserved it or not.

  Chapter 20

  Pepper wrinkled her nose as she followed Gabe into the “chemo room.” No matter how hard they tried to make it bright and cheerful, it didn’t work as far as she was concerned. The yellow paint on the walls was dull and the too worn chairs lined up against the far end of the room only proved that they’d had too many butts in them for prolonged periods of time. And no matter how much disinfectant they used, the underlying smell of vomit and despair permeated the area.

  “Mr. Seigal? I’m Nora. I’ll be your nurse today.”

  A tall, slender black woman approached them with a kind smile and gentle eyes. Gabe reached out to shake her hand and then introduced Pepper. She led them to one of the semi-reclined, seventies-looking arm chairs and let him settle in before she began going over what he could expect to happen. Nora sat down beside him in the chair Pepper assumed would be for her, so she stood off to the side, listening and watching, loathing every single second of the experience. Hearing the possible side effects of the chemotherapy made her angry. This is the best modern medicine can do? The sour thought roiled around in her stomach, making her feel like she was the one who would be throwing up soon.

  Slapping herself mentally, she was immediately contrite. This was about Gabe, not her. She could hate anything she wanted, but the outward face she would present had to be one of love and support, no matter what. Pepper wasn’t about to show Gabe anything less than her best, especially now that he needed her more than ever.

  “All right, let’s get started then.” Nora stood up and touched Pepper on the arm. “Sorry I stole your seat. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.”

  “Okay.” Pepper sat and reached for Gabe’s hand. “You doing all right?”

  Gabe shrugged. “As best as can be expected, I suppose.” He straightened up and then leaned close to her. “Place is a bit dreary, isn’t it?”

  Pepper nodded and glanced around. “Yeah, I thought the same thing.”

  “Well, your beautiful face will brighten things up.” He kissed her on the cheek, then rested back against the chair. Nora appeared seconds later with a bag containing a clear liquid labeled with a foot long word. In no time at all, she had inserted the needle into Gabe’s port, hung the bag of drugs, and departed to greet another arriving patient.

  “That was pretty smooth, yeah?”

  “So far, so good,” Pepper agreed.

  Not knowing what else to say, they remained silent. Drip by drip, the poison in the bag flowed down the tube and into Gabe’s veins, seeking to destroy the poison in his body.

  * * * * *

  Driving home, Pepper kept looking over at Gabe, expecting something to be happening. Nora the nurse said that every patient reacted differently and there was no way of knowing ahead of time what side effects Gabe might experience.

  “How do you feel?” she asked, not able to help herself.

  “All right, I suppose.” Gabe shrugged his shoulders. “Please keep your eyes on the road, darling, and not on me.”

  Pepper smirked, but turned her face forward. Too worried to be out in public in case he started puking his guts out, Gabe told Pepper he wanted to go straight home. They ate a light lunch and then spent the rest of the day trying to act normal, when neither one of them felt normal at all. Pepper tried to busy herself with laundry and housework so she wouldn’t sit and stare at Gabe. He spent the time in his office working and making telephone calls.

  The suspense was enough to drive Pepper crazy. She didn’t want to hover over him, but she was worried every time she couldn’t check on him the second she felt the urge. If this was what life was going to be like from now on, Pepper didn’t know what the hell she was going to do to manage it.

  Chapter 21

  “We need to talk.”

  Pepper’s head popped up from the crossword puzzle s
he was working while sitting next to Gabe as he received his third chemotherapy treatment. Her guts twisted faster than the bag of bread she’d spun closed that morning at breakfast. “What?”

  Gabe laughed and his eyes twinkled with amusement. It had been a while since Pepper had seen that look on his face.

  “What?” she repeated.

  “You haven’t said a word about the wedding in weeks, love.”

  Pepper slumped in the chair and let the newspaper fall to the floor beside her purse. She held onto the pencil in her hand, pinching and rolling it between her fingers. She had wondered how long before he would bring up the wedding. “Is that all? I really don’t think this is the time to be talking about that stuff.”

  “Why not?” Gabe demanded. “Don’t you want to get married anymore?”

  “Of course I do!” Pepper lied. Well, not exactly lied. She did still want to get married, but she was too afraid to think about it because she didn’t know if it would actually happen. She couldn’t allow herself to get her hopes up only to have them burned to ashes.

  “Then why shouldn’t we continue planning?”

  “Gabe–”

  “Don’t ‘Gabe’ me. I may have cancer, but I haven’t died yet.”

  Pepper turned away liked she’d been slapped. She hated when he said the “d-word.” Or the “c-word.” She wasn’t one to avoid the truth, but she also didn’t see any reason to use the terms constantly, either. “I don’t know. I guess I thought we should wait and see how you do after the first course of treatment before we made any plans.”

  “Bah.” Gabe sniffed. “I haven’t had any reaction to the chemo and plans can always be changed if necessary. I think we ought to proceed in a positive fashion. Let’s organize the affair as though I’ll be in remission and healthy enough to enjoy the celebration.”

  Pepper wanted desperately to do just that, but didn’t know if she could handle the disappointment if something went wrong. She was much more comfortable taking things hour by hour, day by day. Looking into the future brought nothing but pain and fear for her. Even though she was positive and strong for him on the outside, her insides were a roiling sea of despair and fear, though she’d never admit that to him.

  As she stared into his eyes, Pepper knew he was just as scared as she was. Gabe needed a touchstone, something to look forward to. Something to fight for, besides her and the ambiguous concept of a life together. Their wedding would give him something to focus on. Her fears and distress meant nothing.

  “All right. Why don’t we go ahead and set a date then?”

  He pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through the calendar app. “How about a Saturday in January? The twenty-fourth?”

  Pepper shrugged. Dammit that’s so soon! “That could work.”

  “Check. Now, where do we want to have it?” He gazed at her expectantly, waiting for her to bubble over with ideas and thoughts. She knew she had to honor his wishes now, but she didn’t know if she could be fake, so she didn’t even try.

  “I don’t know. We could do it on the beach, right near home. Or, we could do it at the house. Keep it small, just a few friends. Or, we could find a church, if you wanted.” Pepper cocked her head to the side and grinned. “You know, I don’t even know what religion you are. If you are. Are you?”

  Gabe laughed and shook his head. “I was baptized Episcopalian as a baby, but we never really went to church. I guess you could say I’ve lapsed from all religion. It could be that no church would have us.”

  “Heh, a big enough donation will get us in the door anywhere.”

  Gabe laughed and Pepper winced because the sound of it wasn’t nearly as boisterous as it had been as recently as the week before. She hated noticing things like that. “I don’t want it at home, darling. Our wedding day shouldn’t just be another average day.”

  “That’s fine.”

  “And the beach is too unpredictable. What if it rains? What if it monsoons? Or there’s a tsunami?” Gabe’s eyes grew bigger with each disaster he predicted for their nuptials.

  “You’re too funny,” she giggled.

  Pepper listened as Gabe chattered on about his ideas for the wedding and the reception. He didn’t mention anything about a religious service or a church and for that she was grateful. She didn’t know if she could even set foot in one, what with her current state of mind. She mentally stuck her tongue out and shook her fist at the enigmatic God that so many people believed was up there.

  Pepper did like the idea that Gabe was focusing on something positive, but it made her sad that the entire celebration and planning leading up to it would be colored with melancholy and an unspoken doom. How could she get excited when the next likely major event in her life would be his funeral?

  * * * * *

  He sure jinxed himself on this, didn’t he?

  Pepper held a cool washcloth to Gabe’s forehead as he kneeled in front of the toilet, heaving his guts out. If he hadn’t talked about not having side effects, then maybe he would have skated a while longer. Pepper felt so bad for him. His face was gray and he was sweating through his clothes as he continued to throw up.

  “I’m so sorry, Pepper,” he wheezed, the contractions in his gut easing for a moment.

  “Don’t be,” she crooned, mopping his brow. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  When the nausea finally began to lessen, Pepper helped him into shower, washing down his body and massaging his tense muscles and limbs, hoping the water would disguise the tears falling onto her cheeks.

  “I think I feel a little better.” His teeth were chattering in spite of the steamy temperature.

  “Okay, let’s get you to bed.”

  Pepper dried him off and helped him into some fresh shorts and a shirt, then tucked him in. She placed a bucket on the floor just in case. One by one, the kittens found their way into the bedroom and hopped up to snuggle with him. Pepper camped there too, stroking Gabe’s forehead and humming nonsense sounds until he fell asleep.

  * * * * *

  They got the timing down to a science after that. It seemed like within about forty-five minutes to an hour after a chemo appointment ended, Gabe would be overtaken with a violent bout of nausea followed by brutal vomiting. Sometimes it lasted a few minutes, sometimes up to an hour. That part they couldn’t predict.

  Pepper could only follow the same routine each time. Cool washcloths until he was finished. A hot shower afterward and then bedrest until Gabe recovered some of his strength. She no longer offered him food on the same day of chemo, either before or after. If he ate breakfast prior to the appointment, it just came up. If the smell of any kind of food got into the house once they were home, it would just trigger more nausea and vomiting.

  Thanksgiving that year should have been a happy event, spent with Will, Viv, and Jane for the baby’s first. Instead, they stayed home, curled up in bed watching television, nibbling on saltines, and sipping clear liquids.

  Gabe was going into the office less and less, opting to work from home when he had the strength. Pepper wanted to hire a nurse to come in and be there whenever she needed to go to the office or be away from home, but Gabe nixed that idea straight off. “I am not a child. I have a phone. If I need you, I will call.”

  It didn’t matter that she worried herself sick about him when she wasn’t there. Gabe couldn’t see it that way, so she said nothing and did her best to accommodate whatever he wanted or needed. All they could do was hope that when the sixth and final treatment was finished, he would start feeling better.

  “Why don’t you get out of here?” Gabe told her on a Friday morning after his fifth treatment. He had finally managed to keep some scrambled eggs down and a piece of toast, but his color was still pretty pasty and he had needed help to get down the stairs so he could sit at the table for breakfast.

  “Why?” Pepper was finishing her coffee and rinsing the dirty breakfast plates to put into the dishwasher.

  “Because, since you stop
ped working full time, you’ve been stuck with me for days. Have you seen Vivienne recently?”

  “No, but she’s pretty busy.”

  Gabe flipped his napkin onto the table. “Call her immediately and make plans to go shopping this afternoon. Have you found your dress yet?” His face was set and his eyes were squinting with determination.

  Pepper sighed and gave him a tired smile. The last thing she wanted to do was go shopping, surprisingly enough. It had always been her go-to release in the past, but not lately. What she really wanted, besides for Gabe not to have cancer, was a two hour massage, a bottle of wine or two, and a gigantic cheesecake to eat. All of those things. At the same time. But she had responsibilities and she wasn’t about to put her needs first. Not while Gabe was battling for his life. “I don’t know. Maybe tomorrow or Sunday. You’re still recovering.”

  “Nonsense. I’m fine. I will go back upstairs to bed and stay there the entire time you’re gone. I’ll probably sleep the day away. Please go. Get out of here for a while. Take the break you must need.”

  Gabe’s tone was almost pleading and that made Pepper feel even more conflicted. Her gut said she should stay home. Her mind and body agreed with him, wanting to feel the warm sunshine on her skin and the breeze in her hair from the open window of the car. She felt guilty just desiring those things.

  “Well, I’ll text her, but I bet she says no.”

  “You won’t know until you try.”

  “Fine, fine.” Pepper fished her phone out of her bathrobe pocket and sent a note to Viv.

  Hows work?

  Not too bad. I’m actually all caught up at the moment. Are you okay?

  Pepper chuckled. Vivienne never used text speak and always typed out entire words and sentences. It drove her crazy when Pepper would abbreviate everything.

  Yup 4 now. Can u go shopping?

 

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