by Hayes, Piper
“What are you thinking about?” I ask. I assume he’s going to say something about everything that’s gone on with Ben and my father and his company.
“I’m thinking about home,” he says. “I’m thinking how much this feels like home, sitting here with you. Before you make a joke about my apartment in the city, I don’t mean that. I mean this feels like the kind of home I always wanted to have. Do you know what I mean?”
I don’t have any words to express how much I love what he said or how deeply I agree with him. Instead I plant a long, slow kiss on his lips and nod. We sit there and finish off the bottle of wine as the fire dies down. We fall asleep right there on the couch, nestled in against each other.
Blake wakes me at some point in the night and carries me to the bedroom. He kisses me on the forehead and snuggles in behind me. It just feels so comfortable, so right. I’ve never felt this way about a guy before. I’ve never felt this way about myself before. Even if we haven’t used the words yet, I feel loved. This must be what it feels like to fall in love.
When I open my eyes again, it’s morning. I roll over, expecting to see Blake smiling back at me, but he isn’t there. I crawl out of bed and call downstairs, but he isn’t there. I find my phone and turn it on while I wonder where the hell Blake went. It feels like the phone takes forever to turn on. As soon as it does, the messages pop up. They’re from Ben, asking if I’m okay.
Shit. I was going to meet Ben to convince him to help Blake, but then Blake swept me off my feet, and I forgot all about it. For a second, I think about texting him, but I hear the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway. The car stops and I hear a door slam as I make my way to the window. I let out a sigh of relief when I see it’s Blake and that he’s got what looks like two coffees and a brown shopping bag. I find some clothes and meet him at the door.
“I got you a gift,” he says. He places the bag on the table. “It’s a sweater,” he adds before I can open the bag. “It was knit by a woman who lives down the road. All the wool is local.”
I want to be mad at him, but I laugh as I pull the sweater on. “I think my father got into a fight with her when I was a kid. Looking back on it, I think it was a prank, but two of her sheep ended up in our yard one summer and he didn’t find it very funny.” The sweater is thick and warm, and, unlike the blanket from the night before, it’s soft. It’s a bit large, but I like the way it fits.
Blake hands me a coffee. “You look great, Cat,” he says. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was heading out. I wanted to make coffee, and we didn’t have any, so I thought I’d make a trip into town before you woke.”
“Next time, let me know you’re heading out before you leave, okay?” I tell him. I’m not sure if it’s a question or a command, but I don’t like the way I felt when I woke in bed alone.
“I can see how maybe that wasn’t the best idea,” he says. “Forgive me? I was hoping we could go for a walk. There are rubber boots in the mudroom.”
I wonder if there’s anything he’s not telling me, whether he made the trip in order to check in with Damien, or if he had other reasons for wanting to get out of the house. Doubts swirl in my mind as we gear up and head outside. I need to trust Blake. He just has a way of making that harder than necessary. After all the revelations about his past, I wonder if there’s anything he’s left out.
The autumn air is brilliant as we head down to the water. The air is cool and salty. The ocean spray hangs cool in the air as we make our way along the bends of the stony beach. A thin fog hangs farther out over the water, but it’s sunny on the beach. I can feel the sun warm against my back. Blake keeps his arm around me as we walk. I lean against him. It’s calming and I want to enjoy it completely, but I feel like I’m being selfish by wanting this moment. Blake’s mind is probably racing as he thinks about everything that’s going wrong back in New York. I worry that in making me happy, he might be putting himself at risk.
“Is everything okay?” he asks. “You’ve been quiet.”
“I just feel bad keeping you here. I know you have so much going on. I don’t think I understood how complicated or how serious any of it was.”
“All I want to do is stay here with you. You’re the only thing getting me through everything else. I did make a phone call on my way into town but only to make sure nothing had blown up while we’ve been gone. I promise the situation is under control, and you have my complete attention.”
I know it’s stupid, but I feel like part of this is my fault, that Blake would be fine if it weren’t for me or that I could have done something at some point to help him. “I don’t want your complete attention right now. I don’t think I deserve it. I just feel selfish, like I’m only making your problems worse. I should talk to my father. I should talk to Ben. I should be back in New York doing everything I can to protect you.” I think about the meeting with Ben I blew off. Not long ago, my family name alone would have been enough to scare people into helping me. Now, besides Blake, all I have is my broken relationship with my father and whatever my relationship is with Ben. Even if I want to do something for Blake, I don’t know if I can.
“No,” he says. He steps in front of me and stops. He holds my shoulders. “This has been coming for a long time, even before I ever came to New York. There’s a reason why all of this is happening to me, and it has nothing to do with you. You can’t change that any more than I could change the tides. I just want to enjoy the rest of our time here.”
“I do too, but I don’t know if I can.”
Blake laughs. “It never ends, does it?” he asks. “We think we can escape our pasts, but they catch up with us. We could go to the ends of the earth and we’d never be free.”
I shake my head no, but I know he’s right. There’s no avoiding what has to be done. We have to go back to New York. We walk the rest of the way back in silence. We try to pretend that everything is good, but it isn’t. We make it to late afternoon before we decide to head back.
I can’t tell if we’re giving up on a vision of ourselves or if we’re embracing who we really are. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I know as Blake and I head back to the city that we’re heading home and we’re doing so together.
CHAPTER 8
CATHERINE
Sneakers. Skinny jeans. A hoodie. I look at myself in the mirror. I don’t look half bad. I just don’t look like… me. Or maybe I do. Maybe this is the new me. The clothes make the man, is that how the saying goes? What about the woman? I’m not wearing any makeup. My hair is half a mess, and I don’t care. What’s more, I don’t know why I spent so much time caring. I’m alone again in the loft. Blake left early, without telling me where he was going. He said I had to trust him. I told him he needed to trust me. A while after that, I texted Ben to meet me at the same place at noon.
I pick up my phone and slide it into my pocket. I’ve confirmed everything with Ben. We’re going to meet at noon. It will be hours until Blake gets back, but I need to make the most of my time. Eventually he’ll figure out what I’m doing. My only hope is that he’ll understand why.
Outside the loft, the sky is hazy and threatening rain. It’s cool enough that I keep the hood up. I make good time walking, catching the train, making my way into the heart of the city. On the train people jostle as they try to get wherever they’re going. A few young guys dart smiles at me, but no one seems to know or care who I am.
Once I’m off the train, I look over my shoulder now and again to make sure I’m not being followed. The streets are busy as I make my way toward Fifth Ave, and the crowds on the sidewalk are moving in determined flocks across the crosswalks. The clouds are moving even faster overhead. They’re thin enough that I can almost see the blank disc of the sun glowing behind them. It hangs over the Met as I make my way up the front steps. I take it as a sign. It’s been years since Ben and I came here together, but I know he’ll know exactly where to be. I look around one last time to see if anyone is following me, and I hope like hell that I don’t
cross paths with anyone I know.
Inside, I cut across the lobby and turn left. Our spot is in the back corner of the museum. I try to take my time as I walk through the other exhibits. The museum isn’t crowded. I feel like I’d almost forgotten how much it becomes its own world once you step beyond the Great Hall. The din of the city dies away and is replaced with a calm quiet. I wish I could be as calm as the atmosphere around me. I’m on edge when I finally make it to the right gallery.
Ben’s there already, standing in the exact spot I expected, staring at the sculpture we argued about so many years ago, a column of stone that bulges at the bottom and sweeps up to a point at the top. It’s supposed to evoke the essence of a bird in flight. I step beside him and wait for him to notice me. “I barely recognized you when you walked in the room. That’s quite the disguise you have on. If you weren’t so pretty, you’d almost look normal.”
“You didn’t even turn your head,” I say.
“It’s all the training they put us through. Explain to me what I’m looking at,” he says. “I can never remember what’s supposed to be what in this place.”
“It’s Bird in Space,” I tell him. “You knew it well enough to come here.”
“Yeah, two days ago,” he says. “What happened?”
“Blake and I left town for a little while. I didn’t have any notice.”
“I guess that explains a few things. I’m guessing you’re not going to tell me where Blake is right now?”
“I honestly don’t know.” For once, I’m glad Blake didn’t share his plans with me.
“I think I get it, by the way,” Ben says. He nods at the sculpture. “Took me long enough.”
“Are we going to have this argument again?” I ask. “It’s the essence of a bird in flight.”
“See, that’s where you’re wrong.”
“Well, then, what is it?” I ask.
“It’s wishful thinking to believe that anything could be this simple or clean. The statue has nothing to do with a bird and everything to do with what the sculptor thought of the bird. It’s his idea of perfection, turned over again and again in his mind until it’s completely smooth, like a pebble turned in a river for a thousand years.”
I know he’s not just talking about the sculpture. I know he’s talking about me and him and the way we left things. I just don’t know if he’s saying he’s over me or he’ll never be over me. I’m giving up on trying to understand. “He was set up,” I say. “You need to look into a company called M-CORE.”
“He isn’t an angel,” Ben replies. He’s still staring at the sculpture.
“He isn’t the devil either,” I say.
“Tell that to your father,” Ben says. He snorts. “You realize you don’t even know the guy’s real name, right?”
“Blake Warren,” I tell him. “He told me everything. Ben, they were stealing money, covering it up by adding bogus trades to the records, changing numbers, everything.”
“We know a lot more about Carlisle Capital than you think,” Ben says. “And I think Blake was using the situation for cover.”
“What are you talking about? I already told you, he didn’t do anything wrong. Then he left, and he did everything on his own. I don’t get why you’re going after him when there are real criminals involved in ruining my father’s company.”
“We have the paper trail. Even if what you’re saying is true, there’s no denying the fact that Blake manipulated the stock price and debt holdings of several companies, and we still don’t know why. Unless he was being paid off by someone, there’s no way to explain the trades. There’s no way to explain the behavior at all. The companies are barely tied together except for a few of their investors. He broke the law, Cat. He broke the law, and I’m here, once again trying to do the right thing, trying to save you. Please, just tell me you’ll stay away from him. You don’t even have to cooperate with the investigation. I don’t care. I just don’t want to see you get caught up in all of this. I can’t tell you any more than that.”
I snort. “Are you serious? When will anyone in my life think of me as anything other than some timid little flower? I’m so sick of it. You had your chance with me, and you threw it away because you were too afraid to stand up for what you believed in. I have no idea what you think you’re doing now, but it certainly isn’t helping me. If you want to help me, tell me what the hell is going on and let me make decisions for myself. I’m not some kid anymore, and I’m not weak. If there’s something you want to tell me about Blake aside from innuendo, please, by all means, tell me. If not, that’s fine. I came here to ask for your help, but I’m starting to wonder if you’d even be able to help me.” I think about the files in Blake’s loft. I wonder if they connect him to those small companies Ben was talking about. It’s possible, but why would he keep records of his wrongdoing? It didn’t make sense.
“I never said you were weak,” Ben says. He turns away from the statue and faces me. I can see the concern in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him. “My life has been flipped upside down, and I’m just trying to find my way back to some kind of normalcy.”
“No, you’re right. You’re not just some kid, Cat, and I need to respect that. If you’re going to stay with Blake, I just want you to know the risks.”
I sigh. “Sometimes I wonder what the hell I’m doing with my life,” I say. “It just feels like things are spinning out of control, and I’m kind of okay with that. I like Blake, I might even be falling in love with him, and I need to see where this goes.”
“If that’s what you want to do,” Ben says.
“Do you think we can be friends?” I ask.
He reaches his hand out to mine and wraps his fingers around my palm. It’s funny the way the slightest touch or smell or feeling can trigger a memory. As he holds my hand, I can remember how it felt in that summer when Ben was the only thing I wanted in the world. Only now, I feel that way about Blake. “Is that even possible, or am I just delusional?” I ask.
Ben smiles. “It’s possible,” he says. “You’ll have to understand that part of me will always have a hopeless crush on you.”
“I’ll do my best to persevere,” I say.
“I always loved your sense of humor,” he tells me. “Just promise me that if you need my help, you won’t hesitate to call. I mean that. If it’s you or Blake or anyone, if I can help you, I will.”
“Okay,” I say, “but like I told you, he hasn’t done anything wrong.”
“I’m heading out of town soon anyway.”
“Have they decided to drop the case?” I ask.
“The opposite,” Ben says. “I’m following up on one of the strongest leads we have. I’m going to be in Florida for at least the next week looking into someone. I think he could be the key to this whole thing. Has Blake ever mentioned the name Jacob Fletcher?”
It’s a good thing I’m not chewing gum, because I’m pretty sure I would have swallowed it in surprise and started choking. “No,” I say in my least convincing voice, “I have no idea who that could be.”
CHAPTER 9
CATHERINE
Back outside, on the front steps of the Met, it hits me. I’m back in Manhattan. I’m home. I know I should head straight back to the loft and wait for Blake, but I can’t resist a chance to stroll for a while without worrying about the problems that have engulfed my life. If Ben barely recognized me, I doubt a random passerby would think twice about who I was.
I start walking and lose myself for a while, just glad to be back, when a woman in a bright pink coat nearly walks into me. “Sorry,” I say as I take a step to the side and keep going.
“Cat?” she says. “Is that you?”
I turn and look at the woman. It’s Felicity, my ex–best friend. “Hey, Lis,” I say. I wonder if my old nickname for her is too much now that we’re no longer friends.
She squints and narrows her eyes as she looks at me. “Is that really you? You look so different.”
&nb
sp; “I’m trying a new thing,” I say. “This is my official broke girl hoodie.”
Felicity laughs. “It’s a good look on you. The whole thing, not the broke part. You look good, less angry or something.”
“It’s perspective, I think.” I look at her for a second and wonder why I ever got so worked up over what she or anyone else thought. I decide to just tell her exactly how I feel. It’s not worth pretending anymore. “Losing everything helps you realize what and who matters. It really hurt when you guys shut me out, but it was for the best.”
“Just so you know, we didn’t stop hanging out with you because you lost your money. We did it because we weren’t afraid of you anymore. I developed serious self-image problems because of you. I never understood why I wasn’t good enough. Eventually I realized I was, and that you were the problem, not me.”
I want to say something. In the past, my reaction would have been to say something clever and brush the whole thing off, but I don’t want to do that now. I want to tell her the truth. “I’m sorry,” I tell her. It hurts to see the way she looks at me, like she really is afraid of me. I feel awful, ashamed of the entitled brat I was, ashamed that I could hurt someone so badly without even realizing it. “Lis, I’m so sorry. If I can ever make it up to you, let me know.”
She cracks a smile. “I waited for years to tell you that.”
“You should have told me sooner.”
“So we could have stayed friends?”
“So I would have stopped being a bitch,” I say.
“Must be that guy you brought to my party. Looks like he’s been good for you. I really mean that, Cat. You’ll have to tell me what your dad thinks of him.”
“Why do you ask that?” I’m wondering if she has some kind of inside knowledge of Blake and my dad.
“I saw your father five minutes ago walking into a café. Cafe Aix, I think. I assumed you were on your way to see him.”