“Never seen you do that before, Philip,” she said.
“Do what?”
“Make a fuss over any of my corgis.”
“Hmm,” said the Duke. “Well, as you know, Madge, they aren't my favorite animals. But I've taken rather a shine to this chap. Remarkable little beast, really.”
The Queen put a hand to her face to hide a smile. They were watching a documentary about vandalism in inner-city areas and there was a shot of a public building, its wall liberally daubed with graffiti in large white letters. Some of the words were rather rude, at which the Queen looked disapproving and the Duke guffawed.
Many of the messages had something in common:
“What's all that?” asked the Queen testily. “I'm the only person who rules. OK?”
“I know, Madge, I know,” said Prince Philip, and he put a hand to his face to hide a grin.
“How do they write these stupid messages?” asked the Queen.
“With spray cans of paint, I believe,” her husband replied. “Kind of an aerosol gadget— you just press a button and it squirts out.”
“Ridiculous!” said the Queen. “Vandalism like that is so mindless. Imagine doing such a thing.”
“I can't imagine you doing it, Madge,” the Duke said.
“As if I would!” snorted the Queen.
That night, as she settled herself for sleep, she addressed the warm shape lying against her feet at the bottom of her bed. “As if I would, Titus,” she said, and after a moment a small smile flickered across the royal features.
Next morning she sent for one of her ladies-in-waiting. “Would you be good enough,” she said to her, “to do a little shopping for me?”
“Of course, ma'am,” replied the lady-in-waiting. “What was it that you wanted?”
“I think they're called spray cans,” the Queen said. “They squirt paint. I want to decorate something.”
The lady-in-waiting looked puzzled. “Er, what color would you like, ma'am?” she asked.
“Gold, please.”
That night the soldiers on guard at Windsor Castle patrolled, as usual, around the various buildings, pausing beneath the windows of the Queen's sitting room, opposite which, on the other side of a courtyard, was a large blank wall. Not until they had marched out of sight did a shadowy figure emerge, carrying an object, and approach the wall.
Next morning Prince Philip was woken early by his wife, on whom Titus was, as usual, in attendance.
“Come and have a look, Philip,” said the Queen. “We want to show you something.”
Grumbling, the Duke followed her into her sitting room. “Show me what?” he growled.
“Have a look outside,” said the Queen, and he went to the window and looked out. And there on the wall opposite was written in huge golden capital letters:
“Good grief !” said the Duke. “Who did that?”
“I did.”
“You did, Madge?”
“Yes,” said the Queen, fondly stroking her favorite corgi. “I told you, Phil, he's a king among dogs. Aren't you, Titus?”
Prince Philip shook his head in wonderment. “Madge, old girl,” he said, “how could you do such a thing?”
“With this, of course,” replied the Queen, producing the spray can. “It was such fun, Phil. In fact, with all due respect to Great-Great-Grandmama, we are quite definitely amused.” And then they both burst out laughing.
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Text copyright © 2002 by Fox Busters Ltd
Illustrations copyright © 2002 by John Eastwood
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Titus Rules! Page 4