Emergency tracheotomy tube.
Weapon. (Think The Bourne Identity.)
WINE OPENER. It has a myriad of uses:
Opens wine bottles.
Pops open beer bottles.
Punches holes in olive oil cans.
Cuts open boxes.
Cleans under fingernails.
TABLE CRUMBER. Also a multipurpose tool:
Cleans crumbs off table.
Tongue depressor in a pinch.
Scrapes dog shit or gum off your shoe.
PEPPER MILL. (Would you like fresh ground pepper? How I hate saying that.)
GUM. (Keeps your breath minty fresh and covers up the fact you’ve been drinking on the job.)
NARCOTIC SUBSTANCE OF YOUR CHOICE. Waiters can be a walking pharmacy. I’ve seen servers with:
Cigarettes.
Hip flask of booze.
Leftover Vicodan from the dentist.
Prozac. (Should be in the water.)
Crack.
Advil, Tylenol, Alleve, Oxycontin.
Marijuana.
Chocolate.
LATEX GLOVES. (Now most waiters don’t carry this but I do. It’s a habit left over from my days working in a psychiatric hospital. You never knew what bodily secretions you’d encounter—you know, vomit, blood, semen, urine, feces, spinal fluid. Well, the same holds true for a restaurant.)
CELL PHONE. I hate them but most waiters have one. Good for:
Calling home.
Calling 911.
Calling a cab.
Calling your therapist.
Calling your bookie.
Calling your drug dealer.
Using built-in camera to video coworkers doing the wild thing in the linen closet.
DUPE PAD. Some uses are:
To write down orders.
For writing down that cute girl’s number.
Doodling unflattering caricatures of customers.
MATCHES. For:
Lighting birthday candles.
Lighting cigarettes/cigars.
Covering up the foul stench in the employee bathroom.
Burning the place down. (Use dupe pad soaked in Bacardi 151 as a starter.)
GEAR TO BE STORED IN LOCKER:
Additional narcotizing substances.
Extra shirt and tie. (In case you get splattered with food or aforementioned bodily substances.)
Extra socks. (Helps ward off “swamp foot.”)
Talcum powder. (When you’re walking all day you might get “the chafe.”)
Preparation H. (Standing all day gives you hemorrhoids.)
Band-Aids.
Hand sanitizer. (In case you touch something gross.)
Tissues.
Condoms. (You might actually get lucky with that cute girl.)
Spare pens, table crumbers, and wine openers.
Copies of all applicable labor laws.
Resignation letter preprinted and signed. Insert date when needed.
Firearm where permitted by law.
Acknowledgments
My brother got me my first job in the restaurant business, so I guess I have to blame him for everything that came after that. Thanks, bro! I’m sorry I sucker punched you at Amici’s.
I’m indebted to Farley Chase, my agent at the Waxman Literary Agency, for convincing me that this book was possible. I’m deeply grateful to Emily Takoudes for her insightful and graceful editing and to Ecco’s publisher, Dan Halpern, for giving me the opportunity to bring this book to fruition. I would also like to thank Eleanor Birne at John Murray for her editorial comments and Emily’s editorial assistant, Greg Mortimer, for his contributions.
Ben Hammersley and Jason Kottke merit a special note of thanks. I am also indebted to the inestimable Laurie Pietsch for her warm words of encouragement and to my tech-savvy friend Charles Prothero for patiently explaining everything I didn’t know about computers. I’m also grateful to my friend Andrew Barone for his years of steadfast support.
A special thank-you goes to all the staff who ever worked with me at “The Bistro.” To my customers Barry and Clarice and Bob and Linda, thanks again for all your kindnesses. (And the tips!) Thanks are also due to Christy; Jen; Launa; Tara; Patrick; Liong; the Poker Boys; Carmen Giglio, DDS; Peter Schessler; Dr. Michael Lynn and Richard; and Tina for their years of friendship and support. Thank you, Renee! My eternal gratitude to Richard Binkowski and Harry Dawson for showing me the power of words. Thank you, “Rizzo,” for showing me how to be a Waiter Jedi. Profound thanks to the late Rev. Msgr. Theodore Humanitski for all the life lessons he taught me. “One day we shall hold the star in our hand and ring in the triple hymn of the heavenly chorus!” See you there, Ted.
Finally! A gigantic thank-you to all the wonderful people who read and commented on my blog Waiter Rant over the past four years. Thanks for your support!
This book is for all of you.
About the Author
THE WAITER waited his first table at age thirty-one. In 2004 the author started his wildly popular blog, www.WaiterRant.net, winning the 2006 “Best Writing in a Weblog” Bloggie Award. He is interviewed regularly by major media as the voice for many of the two million waiters in the United States. The Waiter lives in the New York metropolitan area.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
Credits
Jacket design by Allison Saltzman
Jacket photographs © Luca Pioltelli
Copyright
WAITER RANT. Copyright © 2008 by Waiter Rant LLC. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub Edition © JUNE 2008 ISBN: 9780061801235
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